Here it is just in time to celebrate the anniversary of the creation of the Mads on Mobius continuity; the last story IN the continuity. So without fur- oh, wait; previous MSTings in said continuity should be listed for those new to it.

Tricks of the Trade
Orcium
Seeing Stars
Vixen in the Labyrinth / Holloween [sic] Spirits

It even inspired others for their own host segments:

Blood and Metal: MSTied by Shay Caron
Merry Christmas: MSTied by Cedric Henry
The T-Bone Saga: MSTied by Michael Reid

That's all I gotta say `bout that.

[Season 8 theme]

[Safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk]

[Mike, Tom, and Crow surround the desk reading various books. This goes on for a few seconds before Mike looks up.]

MIKE: Ah, hi there; welcome to our neighborhood. No off-the-wall sketch for today. We just need our own quiet time. We can't be entertaining all the time.

TOM: And anyone who's watched us on KTMA knows that.

CROW: Hey!

MIKE: So we're just catching some slight R&R and such. Nothing's gonna happen here.

CROW: Nope.

TOM: Not one bit.

MIKE: Not at all.

CROW: Won't happen.

TOM: Might as well get a snack.

MIKE: Talk with your loved one.

CROW: That is if you've spent enough time away from your computer and TV to get a loved one.

TOM: Absolutely.

MIKE: So nothing interesting will happen here.

CROW: Nuh-uh.

TOM: You couldn't find less happening.

MIKE: Correct.

CROW: In fact, this is all just some dumb gag that's being used to pad out this prologue.

TOM: Yeppers.

MIKE: We'll just agree that nothing will happen.

CROW: And nothing will happen.

TOM: No.

MIKE: If, by any slim chance, you do see something interesting happen here please notify us.

CROW: Or get some professional help.

TOM: Not necessarily in that order.

MIKE: Nope.

CROW: Nope.

TOM: Nope.

[All pause and look at each other for a moment, then return to their reading. Reading goes on for a minute or so before Commercial Sign flashes. Mike taps it without looking up.]

[Commercials]

[SOL bridge. Mike and the `bots are a wreck.]

MIKE: Aw, man! I can't believe that happened!

TOM: Tell me about it! I still smell like Toilet Duck.

CROW: Let us all hope and pray that a thing like that will never happen again.

MIKE: Amen.

CROW: To think that could happen here! Of all places!

TOM: During a commercial break even! That never happens during a commercial break!

MIKE: Except for- [Mads' light flashes] Oh, the Super Friends are calling. What?

[Mobius. Outside amidst the village. Periodically, a Mobian will run by shouting something. Observer takes center-screen.]

OBSERVER: Mike! Robots! Something terrible has happened!

SONIC: [Running by] Way past! Way past! Way past! Way past! Way past!

[SOL]

TOM: What?

[Mobius]

OBSERVER: You see, the planetary alignment is just right, and now everyone on this blasted world can't help but spew their catch phrase!

BUNNIE: [Running by] Sugah! Sugah! Sugah! Sugah! Sugah! Sugah! Sugah!

[SOL]

TOM: So why aren't you affected, eh?

[Mobius]

OBSERVER: Do you really believe me to be that shallow?

T-BONE: [Running by] WESTSIDE! WESTSIDE! WESTSIDE! WESTSIDE! WESTSIDE!

OBSERVER: And frankly this is just driving me bonkers.

SONIC: [(Again) running by] Do it to it! Do it to it! Do it to it! Do it to it! Do it to it! Do it to it!

OBSERVER: Especially the blue one that's nothing but catch-phrases.

ANTOINE: [Running by] Sacré bleu cheese! Sacré bleu cheese! Sacré bleu cheese! Sacré bleu cheese! Sacré bleu cheese!

[SOL]

TOM: Well, it's not like we'd be that shallow either. Why, we're more three-dimensional than-

MIKE: MOVIE SIGN!

TOM: No, Mike, we don't-

CROW: Bite me!

MIKE: Crow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOM: Oh no!

GYPSY: [Rushing in] Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart!

MIKE: We'll be right back.

CROW: [Random sexual comment]

MIKE: CROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOM: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHH!

[Mobius]

OBSERVER: You think you've got it bad.

[Pearl and Bobo run by, Pearl in uncontrollable evil laughter.]

BOBO: Lawgiver! Lawgiver! Lawgiver! Lawgiver! Lawgiver! Lawgiver! Lawgiver!

OBSERVER: I've got a headache this big.

PEARL: Nelstink! Nelburger! Nelsonic! Nelstone! Nelsoneddie! Nelstupid!

BOBO: [Random monkey sounds for no reason.]

[SOL]

GYPSY: Richard?

MIKE: Movie.

GYPSY: Base. Hart.

MIKE: Sign... CROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CROW: Bite me! It's fun! Bite me!

TOM: Brainy, isn't there anything we can do? It's like I'm stuck in a Dr. Thinker MSTing up here!

MIKE: Crow!!!!!!!

[Mobius]

OBSERVER: Nope, sorry. All we can do is wait it out.

SONIC: [Running by] Jelly and jam time! Rock 'n roller time! Up, over and gone! Yeeha!

OBSERVER: [Pause] ...The hell? Anyway, the perfect planetary alignment should dwindle in a couple of minutes. If everyone is cliché then it's their own fault. By the way, Pearl wanted me to send you this double-length fanfic before she vapor-locked. It's called "Chaos Race" for some particular reason and is written by a couple authors you should know and love.

DAVEY: [Running by] Phrack! Phrackin' A! Phrack you! Phrack this! Phrack it!

OBSERVER: Believe me, you have my pity for this whole stupid situation.

SONIC: [Rushing in-screen] Juice time! Motor time!

[Observer holds out his fist as Sonic runs into it.]

SONIC: Ring t- oof!

OBSERVER: Enjoy.

[SOL]

[Tom is banging his head on the counter repeatedly.]

MIKE: We'll be right back.

GYPSY: Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart!

CROW: Sex!

MIKE: Crow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GYPSY: Richard Basehart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CROW: Bite me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Alarms]

ALL: FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...safe...]

[Tom whimpers as Mike carries him in. Crow follows behind.]

MIKE: It's okay. I'm back.

TOM: I know.

MIKE: D'ohhhh.

CROW: Hehehe.

As the sun rose over the disaster zone that was Robotropolis, a single ray of light somehow penetrated the smog that shrouded the once proud city.

MIKE: Santa's coming down from heaven to make it all better!

It struck a tiny flower

TOM: Your Honor, we contend that said ray did strike my client, the flower.

that had been hidden for years, easing it out of its cocoon with the promise of new life.

CROW: Wouldn't the plant be dead if it hadn't gotten any light for years?

The plant slowly, almost cautiously, unfurled its leaves to catch the wisp of sunlight. Gradually, it began gathering energy to launch its long dormant seeds, intending to spread them all over the city...

TOM: Is that supposed to be symbolic?

...only to be hit by a stray laser shot from a hoverbot, which burnt the flower to ashes as Sonic raced by.

"Aw, man. I was hopin' to pick that for Sally. Now I'm really mad."

MIKE: I was saving that laser blast for later!

Sonic turned down a dead end, leapt up, jumped off the alley wall,

CROW: Shouldn't he be slamming some Dew right about now?

and buzzsawed through his pursuer. The hoverbot crashed into the wall while Sonic ran off, rounding a corner just in time to miss seeing the sunlight vanish.

Tails was waiting in the junkyard, lowering a set of binoculars from his eyes as Sonic ran up. "Did you get it?"

MIKE: [Whiny] I don't get it.

"I got it." Sonic brandished a plastic card in his fist.

CROW: "Here's Knuckles' credit card. Let's go shopping!"

"One Identicard,

TOM: Oh, great, Syntho-Flavo-Blah all over again.

good for all the synthesized food we can

MIKE: [Sonic] Stuff in our cheeks.

carry away.

TOM: So they're risking their lives for cafeteria macaroni and cheese?

Just in time, too...I'm getting tired of nothin' but

CROW: [Sonic] Cannibalism.

salads.

MIKE: That darned healthy eating will be the death of us!

So, anything happen here?"

"Not much. You missed a great sunrise, and the start of an eslip."

TOM: Aw, no, Dolly from the Family Circus is visiting this fanfic!

"You mean eclipse?

CROW: [Tails] No, I mean a slip. Sally was taking her's o-

MIKE: [Sonic] Alright, gimme those binoculars!

There ain't supposed to be one of those anytime soon."

"Well, one happened." Tails handed his binoculars to Sonic. "See for yourself."

CROW: [Sonic] Duh. I can't see it if it's already over. I'm not THAT fast.

Sonic took the proffered vision aid

TOM: Sounds kinda like Piers Anthony.

and looked through it. "That's no eclipse, Tails."

MIKE: That's my wife!

TOM: [Simultaneously] That's a space station!

[Mike and Tom look at each other for a moment.]

His voice took on a note of worry as he saw what was sillhouted against the sun. "That's the Floating Island."

"Where Knuckles lives? What's it doing here?"

CROW: Looking for his credit card.

"Good question.

MIKE: [Tails] Which one? I asked two.

Maybe Sal will know."

CROW: Sure. The heroes of the series have no idea what the Floating Island's doing there but a supporting member of the cast will.

They sped off in unison back to Knothole.

TOM: Oh, great. "Tails headed back to Knothole."

******

MIKE: So call your local cable operator and tell them "I wanna see Starz!"

Chaos Race

Part 1:

TOM: The Crap Begins.

             Chaos

CROW: Race.

MIKE: As previously mentioned.

Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi

CROW: Aack! Not them again!

TOM: I thought I recognized that scene break!

[Legal disclaimer:

This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications,

MIKE: Uh-huh...

Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely

MIKE: Yup...

distribute this story, so long as:

MIKE: Sure...

a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who

MIKE: Great...

distributes the story, and

MIKE: Whatever...

b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.

MIKE: Lovely...

In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.

MIKE: Why didn't you just say that in the first place??

Copyright (c) 1996,

CROW: "Copyright copyright 1996"?

all rights reserved, et cetera.]

******

"Sally!" Sonic burst in through the door just ahead of Tails. The noise of

TOM: His tail followed seconds later.

their entrance was enough to wake the Princess, who did not look pleased.

MIKE: [Sally] Eek! Boys!

"Do you two know what time it is? The sun isn't even up."

CROW: You'll wake him!

"It is too up."

TOM: [whiny Sally] Is not.

CROW: [whiny Sonic] Is too.

Sally started to respond, but decided it was too early to argue with Sonic.

MIKE: Not a very good remake of "The Taming of the Shrew," is it?

"Then why is it so dark?"

TOM: It's too early to argue, but she will, anyway.

"'Cause the Floating Island's blockin' the sunlight."

"Sonic, Knuckles would never be crazy enough to move it this close to Robotropolis."

CROW: Except in this story.

"He is now." Sonic offered the binoculars to Sally. "Check it out."

MIKE: [Sally] They're binoculars. So?

Sally took the binocs, walked over to the window, and looked to where the sun was. With just her naked eyes, she could make out something large in the air between her and Mobius's star.

CROW: So, NASA hired Rush Limbaugh?

She almost dropped the binoculars out of shock when she used them.

TOM: "The -- he's mooning us!"

"Wake the others. I have a bad feeling about this."

As Sonic and Tails raced to comply, Sally muttered to herself, "What is that echnida doing here?"

MIKE: He's bringing you a spell-checker, hopefully.

CROW: Still can't spell "echidna".

******

Deep in the bowels

TOM: Ew!

CROW: That is not a good way to start out a new scene.

of Robotropolis, Packbell monitored a live satellite video feed. Most of the picture looked as it had for years;

MIKE: Uh, Packbell, you forgot to hit the "Refresh" button.

almost all of the damage that the Freedom Fighters had inflicted was mercifully hidden by the smog,

CROW: [Packbell] I can't see it, so it's okay.

and very little else in the satellite's field of view had changed much since the coup.

TOM: De grace.

The most recent significant change was the circular top

CROW: Packbell spun while waiting for something to happen.

of the Floating Island, which seemed to crawl across the screen at a snail's pace.

MIKE: See, that's El Niño's fault too.

A data box

CROW: Do you have Data box? Well, you better let him out, then! Ha ha ha!

superimposed on the video showed that the island's speed was actually 20 kilometers per hour, which was a decent clip for something that large.

From a ventilation shaft

TOM: Can ya dig it?

behind Packbell, Snively watched the same image. That was not all he was watching, for a robot that he had reprogrammed had just entered the room.

Packbell turned towards the diminuitive servicebot, curious. "Why are you here?"

CROW: See, when a mommy servicebot and a daddy servicebot love each other very much...

"REQUEST CLARIFICATION REGARDING REASON FOR NOT ATTACKING FLOATING ISLAND."

MIKE: [Packbell] "Denied!"

TOM: [servicebot] "Request explanation of denial."

MIKE: [Packbell] "Denied!"

TOM: [servicebot] "Request explanation of denial..."

"You can't figure it out?

CROW: "You're no Summer Sanders."

Ok, I'll tell you. That island is headed directly for Robotropolis."

TOM: "It's made of robyptonite! It'll destroy our enemy, Superhedgehog!"

"LOGIC INDICATES TERMINATION OF POTENTIAL THREAT BEFORE IT CAN LAND ON ROBOTROPOLIS BASE IS DESIRABLE."

ALL: Oww!

CROW: Why do machines scream in this world?

"I will terminate it. But I want it as close to us as possible when we shoot it down, to make it difficult for those Freedom Fighters to harrass my workerbots

TOM: "Keep mooning them and giving them Wet Willies and wedgies."

while they salvage the island's wreckage. And now I have a question: why did you bother me about this? You are not programmed to ask such things."

MIKE: How dare you try to anticipate upcoming orders!

The servicebot made no reply.

TOM: [servicebot] Uhh... 42?

"I see." Faster than Snively could perceive, Packbell whipped out a laser rifle

MIKE: [servicebot] Uh, sir, before you do that, I just want to tell you that I found the location of--

and scrapped the 'bot. "You're fired."

MIKE: [servicebot] Oh, well, never mind.

Snively frowned at the waste of a robot,

CROW: [Snively] Yick. Robot waste.

but balanced that with the knowledge that it had served its purpose in extracting Packbell's plan.

"But the real question," Packbell mused out loud, "is what that echinda is doing here."

TOM: Oh, look, a new spelling for "echidna".

******

"Mon,

MIKE: Dieu!

will somebody remind me what I am doing here?"

"Filling a promise to someone who saved your hide."

TOM: How do you fill a promise?

MIKE: Maybe a promise is one of those really obscure English units that nobody uses, like a dram or a slug.

CROW: Yeah, I think there are sixteen pennyweights in a promise.

Knuckles glared at the responder, then reminded himself that what she said was true. Amy Rose had saved his life when his attempt to buy some supplies had turned into an ambush.

CROW: Is that the same Rose that got clobbered earlier?

MIKE: That was a generic flower.

If she weren't so sweet, Knuckles knew he would blame her for the surprise. As it was, he was suspicious of her just happening to be in the right place at the right time. "A promise to take you to Knothole. Which is the only reason I let you up here. But what I still don' understand, girl, is why?

TOM: A daring story technique in which nobody has any reason for being where they are, or doing what they're doing.

If you got somethin' at Knothole, couldn't you just walk?

CROW: "Sure, let me walk down the Floating Island to Knothole."

TOM: Idiot.

Or stay there?"

Amy Rose stared off into the Great Forest, searching for any disturbance that could mark the Freedom Fighters' base. "It's been so long since I was there, I don't remember where it is anymore."

TOM: [Knuckles] Neider do I, girl, so we're in big trouble.

"So, why'd you leave? What's changed since you left, that you wanna go back now?"

"Sonic."

"That hedgehog?

MIKE: "No, the walnut. OF COURSE I mean the hedgehog!"

What you want with him?"

Amy's face hardened into a look of cold determination. "I want him.

CROW: Whoa! Hormonal for a 10-year-old!

TOM: Hey, wait, I thought Amy was sweet on Tails!

MIKE: I think this is a prequel.

Princess Acorn stole his heart,

CROW: Ick, just like in "The Temple of Doom."

but with Robotnik out of the way, she'll be too busy running things to keep me from stealing it back.

TOM: Man, she sounds--

MIKE: Don't say it.

TOM: She sounds just like--

MIKE: I'm warning you.

TOM: She sounds like a--

MIKE: Stop right there!

TOM: Like a hedgehog Marrissa!

CROW: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

And that is exactly what I intend to do."

"Riight. Sure you will."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Umm...err..."

CROW: Oh, that explains it.

Knuckles paused as the Chaos Emeralds, which he was telepathically linked to by virtue of being their guardian,

TOM: So he mind melds with a rock. That's about the gist of it.

signalled that he was slightly off course.

MIKE: And the rocks are smarter than him.

"Hang on, course change."

CROW: "Port 30 degrees. Arrhh, matey!"

The island shuddered a bit as the emeralds, at Knuckles' command, altered the island's direction so that it was headed for Knothole instead of for Robotropolis.

******

Packbell was not happy when he heard the status update. "What do you mean, it changed course?"

"DIRECTIONAL SHIFT CONFIRMED. FLOATING ISLAND NO LONGER HEADED FOR ROBOTROPOLIS."

TOM: [Packbell] Hey, didn't I just blow you up?

"It looks like I'll have to use my backup plan, then.

MIKE: Dur-hey!

Prepare the image seeking missiles; we'll have to take the island intact."

CROW: We want it in one piece! Blow it up!

In the shaft,

TOM: Can ya dig it?

Snively quickly recalculated, updating his own plans.

******

Knuckles hefted a backpack in his arms as the island slowed to a stop. "There. Knothole is directly below us."

"How am I going to get down? You locked away the rope ladder we used to get up."

CROW: "We're going to drop a glass filled with water just before you jump off."

Amy kneeled on the edge of the island, unable to see any distinguishing marks in the forest canopy just below the island's bottom.

"Put this on." Knuckles

MIKE: Said handing her a clown wig.

handed the pack to Amy.

"Ok..." Amy strapped it to her front, out of fear that the spiky quills along her back would puncture it.

TOM: So now the chute will just whap her face off.

Knuckles put her hand on a handle attached to the pack's straps. "Pull this if you want to live."

MIKE: In other words, don't touch it.

"Huh? Why?"

"'Cause now, you will..." Knuckles lifted Amy over his head. "...GET OFF MY ISLAND!" He threw her over the side.

TOM: Hm. I think he has some issues here.

MIKE: [Knuckles] Now, where is my camping equipment?

CROW: [Amy] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Amy had enough presence of mind to pull the handle, which deployed the parachute that she had just put on.

******

"Well, that explains it." Sonic was staring upwards through the binocs, where he saw something being dropped

MIKE: [Knuckles] Oh, crap. My shoe.

on Knothole with a parachute.

"What?"

CROW: "I have only one huge, weirdly shaped eye with two pupils."

Sally gazed upwards, but could only see a vague movement at the island's edge.

"Floating Island express.

TOM: When it absolutely, positively has to be delivered at half the speed of crawling.

Looks like Knucks wanted to make a delivery. I just hope Packbell doesn't take the hint and look for Knothole here."

TOM: Nah, that'd be... oh, what's the word?

MIKE: Intelligent?

TOM: Yeah, that's it.

"So what did he drop?"

CROW: A log.

"I can't tell, it's too far away. Tails, could you escort whatever it is away from us, just in case? Sal and I will meet you where you land."

"Sure thing." Tails flew straight up as fast as he could.

TOM: {BONK }

MIKE: "We're inside, silly."

TOM: "D'oh."

******

After tumbling around for a bit,

CROW: She broke every bone in her flippin' body.

Amy resigned herself to drifting on her back for the rest of her flight. She started to daydream as she floated, which stopped her from hearing a familiar whirring,

TOM: And got ground to hamburger by a helicopter prop.

or from noticing that she was being pushed away from straight down. Amy did notice when Tails put his face in hers.

MIKE: "BOOGA BOOGA!"

"Amy? Are you alright?"

"Tails?" She spent a few seconds waking from her daydream, then hugged Tails fiercely. "Tails! It's been so long..."

CROW: This reminds me of Marrissa and Jay... [pause] ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

"Eew! Lemme go!" Tails struggled to get out of the female hedgehog's embrace.

Amy did as asked, then saw Tails brushing himself off. "What's the matter?"

"You put girl cooties on me."

Amy giggled,

TOM: "Hehe. Sexist pig."

then craned her neck to see downwards.

CROW: What neck?

"Is Sonic here?"

"Yeah. He-"

Amy interrupted Tails by taking off her parachute.

MIKE: It's just slowing her down.

"I can't wait to meet him." She let it go, and dropped like a rock.

CROW: So when's she going to meet up with Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse and Eddie Valiant?

MIKE: Tails didn't dare save her; he was afraid of cooties.

TOM: {Splut}

Tails flew down, faster than she fell, and caught her. "Can you at least wait 'til we're on the ground?"

She looked back up at Tails, and smiled mischeviously. "Hurry it up then, or I'll kiss you."

"Do it and I drop you right now."

"You can't drop me if..." Amy threw her arms around Tails again.

MIKE: "...I've got your wallet."

"...I'm hugging you."

Tails sped towards the ground as if his life depended on it.

TOM: But couldn't slow down fast enough to prevent them from smashing against the ground like a pair of overripe melons.

******

TOM: And there are their remains right now.

Sonic and Sally had lost sight of the parachute, so they kept pace with how Tails had been pushing it. They heard a noise behind them and, as one, turned around to see an airborne ball of orange fur and pink quills heading their way.

CROW: Why is everyone DayGlo colors on this planet?

"Help,

MIKE: I need somebody.

help,

MIKE: Not just anybody.

getheroffme!"

CROW: You know, Getheroffme was one of the most important leaders of the Anglo-Saxon tribes in the century before Christianity was brought to Britain.

Amy had wisely stayed away from Tails' tails, so he was able to steer them towards the now-smirking hedgehog and squirrel.

As they neared, Amy released Tails and used her momentum to go into a cartwheel. She landed on Sonic's upper torso, knocking him down.

MIKE: "You didn't need that ribcage, didja?"

"Sonic!" Amy proceeded to cover his face in kisses, only missing his lips. Unnoticed by anyone else, a scowl briefly darkened Sally's face at this sight.

TOM: Anyone else but who?

"Hey, Amy, cut it out," Sonic laughed.

CROW: [Sonic] Wait until Sally's not around and we can--D'oh, wait...

"Oh, sorry, it's just so good to see you again." Amy stepped off of Sonic, beaming.

"That's alright, but - hey!" Sonic started to get up, but Sally pulled him upright all of a sudden.

MIKE: "Girls, girls, there's only so much hunka-hunka burnin' hedge to go around."

She gave him a long, deep kiss that eventually made Sonic go limp in her arms.

CROW: [Tails] Uh, Sally? I think he ran out of air there.

Tails turned his face away and covered his eyes in disgust. Behind Sonic, Amy went from shock to anger to barely controlled rage.

TOM: The Random Emotions Sequencer! New, from Galoob!

MIKE: So, from shock, to anger, to anger.

Sonic's eyes were closed, but Sally's were open just to see this. Sally smiled through her kiss, which just made Amy madder.

When Sally came up for air,

CROW: By that time, my lungs were-

TOM: Ahem.

CROW: Sorry.

Sonic asked, "What was that for?"

"Nothing, my love."

Sonic straightened out at this. "'My love'? You've never called me that before."

MIKE: "Sure I have, sugar dumplin'."

Tails had returned his gaze to the scene. "That's because she's almost never met any of your other girlfriends before."

Sally and Amy both looked to Tails. "Other girlfriends?"

"Yeah. There's Aunt Sally, Amy Rose, Tiara Boobowski..."

MIKE: Okay, Crow, get it over with.

CROW: [Excited] 'Boob'owski! I think I know where she got that last name! Boobowski! Yes!

MIKE: Done?

CROW: [Calming down] I guess so.

"Tails!" Sonic looked around, blushed, then cleared his throat nervously. "Umm, T2 and I need to have a little chat.

TOM: "Now listen; quit going into the past to keep people from giving birth! It's annoying!"

Hedgehog to fox, you know?"

Amy and Sally were glaring at each other.

MIKE: [Bitterly] "New shoes?"

TOM: [The same] "Not since Robotnik destroyed all the centers of commerce."

MIKE: "How's the family?"

TOM: "Captured. Turned into evil robots."

MIKE: "How's the lawn?"

TOM: "Dead."

Neither replied verbally, so intent on each other that they had barely heard Sonic.

"Right. We'll be back soon." Sonic grabbed Tails by the arm and ran away.

None of the four noticed a flock of missiles streak overhead.

CROW: I thought that ended back in the seventies?

TOM: Not exactly a Ron Chaffee in the bunch, is there?

******

Mighty the Armadillo

ALL: Had a very shiny nose! And if you ever saw it! You would even say it glows!

was as happy to see Amy leave as Knuckles was. "Sheez,

MIKE: "Amy and her 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'"

just because she saves your hide means that you gotta risk this entire island?"

"Well excuse me, mon, but I be da

TOM: [Knuckles] Silly talkin' weirdo.

Guardian o' the Chaos Emeralds. I'm the one who determines where dis island floats to. I promised her anything I could do, and what does that crazy girl ask for?"

MIKE: A refrigerator carton. I don't know why.

Knuckles shook his head. "Next time, you get the supplies - you can't be tricked into makin' dat kind of promise. Besides, what's Packbell gonna do to us way up here? Try to shoot us down?"

Mighty pointed. "Sure looks like it."

Knuckles turned around just in time to see two missiles incoming. He ducked,

MIKE: ...then goosed.

TOM: Yup, that'll keep your island from shattering.

as did Mighty, letting the missiles fly overhead.

"Only two?"

MIKE: He's awfully relaxed about coming within half a degree of gyroscopic tolerance of becoming remains.

"Packbell must be goin' after us, not de island. Here they come again!"

Sure enough, the missiles had turned around.

CROW: They got scared of the island, and ran away.

Each had been programmed with the visible image of their target, its infrared signature, and data for every other sensor Packbell could cheaply include;

TOM: Just because he's going for total annihilation is no reason not to be frugal.

one missile had been launched for each known inhabitant of the Floating Island.

Knuckles ran ahead of his missile,

[Mike and Crow look at each other in silence.]

summoning the speed that he had once used to race Sonic.

Mighty was not as quick.

MIKE: In fact, he just stood there drooling in his own world.

CROW: "Duhh, what's a missile?"

"MIGHTY!" Knuckles saw the missile detonate directly in front of Mighty. The warhead's explosion, tinged an odd green instead of the usual bright orange,

MIKE: Oh, that means he's not dead permanently.

swallowed his friend up before Knuckles' eyes. "You will pay for that, android. By the Emeralds, if he does not live, neither will you."

TOM: If you buy the Random Emotions Sequencer, you will also receive a coupon for the Random Accent Device!

He knew his threat was wasted on the missile since Packbell would not bother to monitor its camera, so Knuckles made a mental note to repeat his vow when he saw Packbell again...if he lived that long. As he ran, explosions elsewhere on the Floating Island showed Knuckles that the other missiles had all found their marks.

******

CROW: See? All six of them, right there!

The quiet that followed Sonic's departure was so charged that a robot could have run itself on it, and recharged its batteries at the same time.

Eventually, Amy broke the silence. "How DARE you kiss my Sonic."

TOM: "You're supposed to kiss the visitor's Sonic, out in the linen closet."

Sally was just as angry as Amy, and she let it show. "Your Sonic? We went through this last time you were here.

CROW: Please, don't go into a flashback on our account.

That hedgehog is royal property.

MIKE: He's not her hero! He's her slave!

Keep your hands, and lips, off."

"You don't own him. He can choose who he wants to love."

TOM: "And I'm gonna make him choose to love me."

Amy's voice froze to the point that Sally thought she saw icicles on her breath. "And he will choose me."

"Sonic deserves far better than you." Sally smirked as she taunted Amy.

MIKE: "He deserves a hormonal, taunting jerk like me."

"You're just a peasant."

"At least I'd have time for him. After all, unlike a certain princess..." Amy jabbed a finger at Sally as if to toss it like a dagger.

CROW: Like that would do any good on a gloved hand, anyway.

"...I'm not so busy running everything that I'd ignore Sonic. Besides, you're a squirrel, and Sonic is a hedgehog.

MIKE: "He'd love a racist fathead like me."

Who do you think he would fit best with?"

CROW: I'm not saying, but I have caught him looking at dirty pictures of gerbils on the Internet.

She smiled, retracted her hand into a fist, and extended its thumb towards her chest.

TOM: "Yup. Me. The head cheese. Marcus Junius Brutus himself."

CROW: Unfortunately, she jabbed herself a little too hard and suffered severe internal injuries. She died early the next day.

Sally's fur seemed to turn red,

MIKE: Used some dyes on it.

CROW: Princess Dye! Yuk yuk.

but then Amy realized that the red was from Sally's skin. "How dare you! I have known Sonic for far longer than you have. You only noticed him after he...after WE started fighting Robotnik. I know he loves me, even if he rarely says it. What does he say to you?"

Amy only growled in reply.

"Ooh, that much, eh?" Sally was starting to lighten up, having, in her mind, won the discussion. "Well, let me tell you what my Sonic and I..."

TOM: I'm getting some "Pod People" flashbacks.

Sally's retort was interrupted by a massive explosion that rocked the Floating Island, shaking it to a point that was visible even from the ground far below.

MIKE: [Marvin Martian] Resulting in an earth-shattering KABOOM.

******

Oblivious to the both the chase far above and the arguement he had left behind, Sonic came to a halt far out of hearing range of his duelling girlfriends.

Tails had been flying just above the ground as he was dragged along. When Sonic stopped, Tails landed rather than spend the energy to stay airborne. "What'd you do that for?"

"'Cause it ain't nice to make Sal and Amy jealous like that."

CROW: Well, it's entertaining to emotionally torment the adults around you, but it's still not nice.

"What do you mean? They asked a question, so I answered with the truth." Tails cocked his head. "Wasn't that right?"

TOM: Now I'm getting "Bobby's World" flashbacks.

"Well, umm," Sonic started, but was at a loss for words.

CROW: [Sonic] Hey, you're right! Emotional deception and petty squabbles are pointless wastes of precious energy and time! Thanks, Tails, you're the best therapist I've ever seen!

"Look," he eventually said, "girls are a bit different, you know...

MIKE: [Sonic] See, you lie to them, and tell each of 'em they're the only one for you. That way you can have all the girlfriends you want!

sometimes it's better not to tell them everything in detail, or they might get upset."

CROW: "Yeah, 'cause girls are dumb."

"So that's why you never told Amy that you love Aunt Sally?"

Sonic winced at the memory. A long time ago, the blue hedgehog had been on a routine mission in the Great Unknown, when he and Amy accidentally met. For her, it was love at first sight. Amy was nice and friendly, and Sonic liked having her around, but his love already belonged to Sally.

TOM: It was kept in a mayonnaise jar at Funk & Wagnal's since noon today.

Not realizing the true reason for Amy's affection, he did not tell her about his relationship, and Amy never asked. She was just happy to be with him. So, when Sonic returned to Knothole, Amy learned of Sally the hard way.

CROW: By reading the special "Sonic Really Loves Sally" four-issue mini-series from Archie Comics.

He still vividly remembered the shocked expression on Amy's face when Sally rushed up and gave him a long, deep welcoming kiss.

TOM: "There goes his nose!"

CROW: And he couldn't forget the look on Amy's face when she walked in on him and Sally...

For weeks, Sally and Amy vied for Sonic's love, neither one recognizing that Sonic had already chosen Sally. Eventually, Amy left Knothole, but she never forgot him. Her love only grew while they were apart.

"Look, Sonic...I'm sorry."

Sonic got on one knee so he could make his eye level even with Tails', then put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "It's ok, big guy. I just hope they don't fight again."

MIKE: After all, you've just thrown two passionate people together, riled up their emotions, and left them without supervision. What could happen?

"Maybe we should..."

CROW: [Tails] Split them between us!

Tails' suggestion was interrupted by a rumbling from above.

MIKE: Winnie the Pooh's flying and he's got a rumbly in his tumbly!

As Sonic and Tails looked up, they saw seven colored points of light streak away from the Floating Island.

TOM: Aw, no, our subplot just blew up!

******

Knuckles tried the old trick of stopping in front of a wall, waiting, and dashing out of the way just before the missile hit. Unfortunately, the missile turned too quickly. No matter what he did, the echnida could not

CROW: Get the authors to spell his species right.

shake his pursuer, so he headed for the one thing that could save him: the Chaos Emeralds.

Knuckles raced for the Chaos Chamber, located deep under the surface of the island. Just as he was about to leap into the tunnel leading to the chamber, Knuckles tripped over a rock and landed flat on his face, heavily dazed.

MIKE: He picked the wrong day to start wearing high heels.

The missile tried to change course, but before it could, it had flown into the narrow tunnel. Having lost its target, the missile hurtled downwards.

CROW: Try as he might, he can't get away from the missile. When he acts stupid, it misses him. What message is this trying to convey?

A loud explosion, which shook the whole island, was the last thing Knuckles heard before he passed out completely.

******

Instinctively, Sally plucked her minicomputer from its usual boot holster, and flipped it open. "Nicole: what caused that explosion?"

MIKE: "Where in the world are the Chaos Emeralds?"

"WORKING..."

TOM: I'm going to go out on a limb and say 'explosives.'

Sonic and Tails raced up just as Nicole finished its computation.

"EXPLOSION TYPE: STUN EXPLOSIVE - ANTIPERSONELL MISSILE WARHEAD. EXPLOSIVE FORCE INCREASED BY UNKNOWN METHOD, EXPLOSION LOCATION SUGGESTS CHAOS EMERALD INFLUENCE LIKELY."

Amy stopped scanning the skies. "Was that Packbell's missile, or..."

CROW: Are you just happy to see me?

Nicole interrupted, "WARNING:

MIKE: "DO NOT TAKE SHAMPOO ORALLY."

KNOTHOLE VILLAGE IN DANGER. CHAOS EMERALDS HAVE BEEN EJECTED FROM FLOATING ISLAND BY EXPLOSION. REMOVAL OF CHAOS EMERALDS DISALLOWS MOVEMENT OF FLOATING ISLAND. LACK OF CHAOS ENERGY WILL CAUSE FLOATING ISLAND TO FALL IN TEN HOURS."

Sally's face mirrored her quick comprehension. "And it's right over Knothole."

TOM: [Nicole] I JUST SAID THAT, YOU DINGBAT.

"ANALYSIS INDICATES DESTRUCTION OF ALL BUILDINGS AND CREATURES IN KNOTHOLE TEN HOURS FROM NOW UNLESS ALL CHAOS EMERALDS ARE IN PHYSICAL CONTANCT WITH THE FLOATING ISLAND SIMULTANEOUSLY BEFORE THEN."

CROW: Duh. That's what you'd expect to happen when a huge chunk of land falls out of the sky and lands on a village.

"Nicole, where are the Chaos Emeralds?"

"STILL AIRBORNE FROM EXPLOSION. COMPUTING PROBABLE LANDING SITES..."

TOM: So it blows a cave sky high but no rubble lands on the village.

A holographic map of the nearby portion of Mobius popped up, with seven dots

MIKE: And a yakko.

distributed in a rough circle. Each dot was colored to match the emerald that it stood for.

Sonic snapped

CROW: And became an ax murderer.

his fingers. "If Packbell's using stun warheads, he's probably gonna try to take the Floating Island. It'll be hard to return the emeralds with his 'bots all over the place.

CROW: Us? What've we got to do with this?

TOM: Our involvement in this fanfic is fictional.

CROW: Aargh!

We'd better juice back and get the others. Grab on."

CROW: [Sonic] Amy! Not there!

Sally and Amy both hugged Sonic quickly. Sally shifted around to try to "accidentally" knock Amy off,

MIKE: She's jealous enough to stoop to MURDER?

but Amy lightly pressed her quills into Sally's stomach to ward off the attempt. Sonic and Tails took off

CROW: Sally and Amy's heads so they'd quit jabbering.

, faster than either Sally or Amy could travel alone, and returned to Knothole in a matter of seconds.

TOM: The future of commuting.

At the village, most of Knothole was already discussing what the Floating Island's presence could mean. They had assembled to wait for Sally, Tails, and Sonic to return with whatever had dropped; their reaction to Amy was mixed. More than a few were concerned that she meant bad news for Sally, but most just welcomed the child as a long-gone friend.

MIKE: Despite having never met her before.

Sally waited for the reaction to die down before addressing the crowd.

TOM: So she waited 5000 years? See, 'reaction', and nuclear, and plutonium's half life... oh, forget it.

She pointed to two Mobians, then to herself. On her gesture, Bunnie and Antoine came forwards.

MIKE: Do you, Bunnie, take this Supporting Character to be your lawfully designated Second Banana?

Bunnie was one of those acting friendly towards Amy Rose.

CROW: But she was only acting. She was secretly plotting a way to take out both Amy and Sally at once so she could have Sonic all to herself.

She smiled, reached over, and mussed up Amy's head quills

MIKE: And sliced her hand up.

as she asked, "What're you doin' back heah, you rascal?"

Sally responded before Amy could. "We have a problem. The Floating Island will fall in ten hours unless we can get the Chaos Emeralds back. And it looks like Packbell may attempt to take the Floating Island in that time. Can we evacuate Knothole before then, while still keeping Packbell off the island so we can safely return the emeralds?"

Anotoine shook his head. "Zat would be empossible, my prinzess.

CROW: "Well, what if we just evacuate the popular people?"

Ahur most recent attack on Robotropolis resulted in many wounded; without vehicles, eet would take twelve hours to move zem far enough away. Zat eis if we abandon all of ahur heavy equipment,

TOM: [Antoine] Like zees accent.

and do not even try to defend ze island."

MIKE: So it turns out all this time their defensive strategy is 'hope Robotnik is too stupid to find us.'

"Then we have no choice: we must recover the emeralds. Nicole: display map."

TOM: [Nicole] I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT, DAVE.

The same holographic map appeared. Sally pointed to the appropriate parts of it as she continued.

CROW: "This is the Toobular Boobular region, and over here's the Tushital Crackular."

"We need everyone to help evacuate Knothole and defend the island, so I can only assign a few to search for the emeralds."

MIKE: Even though we just established that was impossible for us to do.

She looked around.

TOM: Quick, everybody take notes.

[Mike pulls out a pad of paper and begins writing, while Tom reads the fic to him.]

"Sonic, you get the blue and grey emeralds, then return here."

TOM: Okay, Sonic is going for the blue and gray emeralds...

MIKE: [muttering and scribbling] Sonic...blue...gray...

Sonic saluted.

CROW: "Ow! I forgot I had no forehead."

"Right away." And was gone, leaving only a sudden breeze to mark his passage.

CROW: [Sally] You will of course need your Omni and this new Voyagers History Book to help you correct the course of...oh, he's gone...

Sally's fur was ruffled,

CROW: "Bunnie, quit going around rufflingeveryone's fur!"

but she did no bother to smooth it. "Antoine, you go for the yellow emerald, then work your way around.

TOM: ...and Antoine's getting the yellow one...

MIKE: [muttering and scribbling] Antoine...yellow...

You think you can do it?"

CROW: Only at the humiliating cost seeing Antoine in a scene relevant to the plot.

"But my prinzess," Antoine began, his knees starting to tremble.

CROW: "I am turning into Colonel Klink!"

"Wouldn't it bee better if I stayed here and helped ze others with the evacuation?"

"Ah, stuff it, Ant," Bunnie interrupted, "Ah'll get that gem!"

TOM: No, wait, scratch that. Bunnie's getting it.

MIKE: Oh, okay. [Erase, erase, scribble, scribble.]

"I'm afraid not," Sally said to Bunnie.

TOM: Wait, Bunnie's not going for it.

MIKE: D'rrrgh. [Erase, erase, scribble, scribble.]

"I need you to coordinate the defense of the Floating Island.

CROW: "Uh...shoot at stuff moving up that isn't us?"

I think Packbell's already knocked out the inhabitants; you'll have to wake them up. If we don't return in six hours,

CROW: We'll be back later.

evacuate as many people as you can." She sighed. "If we take that long, you can assume we won't be coming back."

"W-won't be coming back?"

CROW: "Well, okay, coming back right at the climactic moment of the plot, then."

Antoine's face turned pale, making him look like he would faint any second. "Um, my prinzess, perhaps we should not be going unaccompanified?"

"I'll go with him!" Tails piped up, pleased of the opportunity to finally go on an adventure.

CROW: And botch it instantly.

Before Antoine could react, Tails grabbed hold of his arm and was ready to speed off.

TOM: OK, Antoine and Tails together are going for the yellow...

MIKE: Sure this time?

TOM: Yes.

[Mike scribbles some more.]

Sally looked a bit worried, but finally nodded in agreement. After all, Tails was old enough to be a Freedom Fighter, and because of his flying abilities he was probably the best one she could find for this task.

CROW: Yeah, flying is much better than experience in stealth, orienteering, search operations, and personal combat.

"All right, but be careful. I will go for the remaining gems."

TOM: ...and Sally's getting the rest.

ALL: [double take] HUH?!

CROW: The hero of the series and the one most able to defend himself only gets two of the emeralds, it takes the sidekick and a minor character together just to get one, and the lesser-powered love interest is going for three?!

"All right!" Tails smiled broadly, then took off in the opposite direction with Antoine in tow,

CROW: "Quit draggeeng me! OW! Zare was a brokeen bottle zare!"

leaving just as much wind as Sonic did. The breeze ruffled Sally's fur again, exactly countering what Sonic's wind had done.

TOM: [Butt-head] Huh huh huh, Sonic farted!

"I want to come too!"

Sally turned around to find herself face to face with Amy, whom she had completely forgotten about.

MIKE: [Sally] Gaaah! Don't do that!

"No. You stay here and help the others," Sally replied, with a sharp edge to her voice.

"I have as much right to go as you have! I made Knuckles bring the island here in the first place; it's my fault that he's in trouble now."

Bunnie looked from Sally to Amy, then back to Sally.

CROW: Then Amy, Sally, and Amy. It really didn't lead to anything.

"Are y'all sure you two should be workin' togethah?"

Sally thought for a moment, then grinned. "Yes. And after all, we have...

TOM: The chance to murder one another.

unfinished buisiness to take care of. Why not take care of it at the same time?" Before Bunnie could object, Sally grabbed Amy and ran off.

******

Packbell studied the pattern of seven dots that had been superimposed on the satellite's picture. "Attention, SWATbot batallions two through seven:

MIKE: You're first up for the Three-Legged-Robot Race.

prepare to intercept the Chaos Emeralds. Coordinates will be provided shortly. Your orders are to harrass the Freedom Fighters,

TOM: "Call them names like 'pootie-pants' if you must."

and capture them if you can. The Chaos Emeralds themselves are a secondary objective. If there are no Freedom Fighters present when you arrive, secure the emerald and wait.

CROW: Remember to use the buddy system when crossing the street.

Hoverbot squadrons Beta,

TOM: Alpha, Gamma...

Foxtrot,

TOM: Garfield, Peanuts...

and Dino:

TOM: Hoppy, Bam-bam.

attempt to secure the Floating Island. Hoverbot Alpha, prepare to launch." At the flick of a switch, the room shut down,

MIKE: "Oops."

and Packbell ran to leave it.

"I wonder where he's going in such a hurry?" Snively crawled out of the shaft

TOM: Can ya dig it?

once Packbell had left, turned the room back on, and studied a map of

MIKE: DOOM.

CROW: [Snively] Hmm, imps around that corner, go here for the red key...

Robotropolis. "And using hoverbot Alpha, too...Robotnik's old craft." He looked around to make sure he was alone, then started typing away.

TOM: PLZ SEN MEE NOOD BUNNY PIX THNX.

"Good thing he thinks I'm dead, or he'd have better security.

CROW: "Using 'packbell' for a password! Ha!"

Like he could lock me out of Robotropolis's computers. I designed them for Robotnik, and even he could not have locked me out entirely."

After finishing his typing, Snively turned the room off again.

MIKE: Ugh!

CROW: Please. Put your shirt back on.

He cackled as he headed for SWATbot batallion two, "Now the robots shall deliver the emeralds to me. With the power of the Chaos Emeralds, Packbell and the Freedom Fighters shall all be my slaves.

TOM: No, wait, that's the power of Greyskull I'm thinking of.

And even if I only get one, I can still come out ahead."

******

"Owww...mon, dat hurt." Knuckles woke up in front of a smoking tunnel, covered with dirt and rubble. "Now where's..." He froze as his telepathic call to the Chaos Emeralds went unanswered.

MIKE: [Knuckles] Mon, I can't believe it takes four rings for da machine ta pick up.

Looking around, he realized what had just happened. "Uh, oh...this is not good."

Within minutes, Knuckles was kneeling besides Mighty,

CROW: "Will you marry me?"

checking for a pulse. "C'mon, Mighty, you can't die on me..."

TOM: C'mon, Mighty, we know you can! Can't die on me, you're the gingerbread man!

As if in response to Knuckles' command, Mighty's pulse beat once under Knuckles' finger.

CROW: [Groucho Marx] Either this armadillo's dead or my watch has stopped.

Pressing a bit harder, Knuckles felt a weak sign of his friend's survival.

MIKE: And pressing harder still, he snuffed out his friend's tentative hold on life.

Almost at the same time, a scent drifted into Knuckles' nose.

TOM: [Knuckles] Ah mon, that Sonic musta farted again.

"Wait...I know that smell.

CROW: No accent...

Dat be stun gas."

CROW: Accent!

Knuckles inspected a nearby shard of the missile that had taken down Mighty. "Packbell wanted us alive.

MIKE: For absolutely no reason other than to let them defeat him later on.

Well, he won't get us." He removed his hand from his friend. "Wait here, mon. Knuckles be right back with da emeralds. Everything's gonna be ok."

Near the center of the Floating Island,

CROW: There's cream filling.

a shaft

TOM: Can ya dig it?

had been drilled to allow access to the island's vast interior. A corkscrew ramp ran around the shaft's

TOM: Can ya dig it?

perimeter, terminating at a pit opening at the surface and a hidden cave opening on the bottom. As Knuckles ran down this path, he mused that the same chaos energy that had magnified the warhead's explosive power had also lessened its stun power.

ALL: HUH?

CROW: The Return of the Son of the Fanfic Luck.

The emeralds seemed to delight in chaos, even though they supposedly only possessed enough of a mind for telepathy, and certainly not enough to experience happiness.

MIKE: Because intelligent rocks would make mocking the show too easy.

As he got to the bottom, he noted that a few treetops were just below the shaft's

TOM: Can ya dig it?

exit, as they were when he had parked the island to drop Amy off.

MIKE: So Amy's endless fall turned out to be about 27 feet, then?

He leapt down to a tree, climbed to the ground, and once again tried to contact the emeralds telepathically. He only sensed one, so Knuckles took off towards it. As he ran, he yelled,

TOM: "Run, Forrest!"

"Packbell! You messed with my friends, you messed with my gems...now, android, you mess with ME."

CROW: And with that cliché note, we're out of here. [All leave]

[...safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk]

[Mike, Tom, and Crow are present.]

MIKE: So... Knuckles and the Amazing Technicolor Emeralds, eh?

TOM: Yup.

CROW: Yup.

[Suddenly, the ship shakes violently as a loud crash is heard.]

MIKE: WHOA! Cambot, Rocket #9!

[R#9. It seems that Knuckles' Floating Island has risen so high it collided with the SOL, which is now atop the island.]

[Cut to a forested area of the island where Mike and the `bots have already exited the ship. They're walking around a tad confused when Mighty comes in with a high voice.]

MIGHTY: De plane! De plane!

[Knuckles walks in, and he too has a high voice.]

KNUCKLES: Hello, and welcome to da Floating Island. I ahm de silly talkin' dude of dis here place, an-

MIKE: Hey, wait, whoa-whoa-whoa. What has happened here?

CROW: Yeah, mind providing any exposition?

KNUCKLES: Yes, certainly... dude.

CROW: Dude, yes.

TOM: Yeah.

KNUCKLES: You see, without my emeralds, I've been forced to keep my island in de skies by keeping it full of nitrogen.

M&TB: WAUGH!

KNUCKLES: Dah! I mean helium. Of course.

M&TB: Phew.

TOM: So what the hell is [voice suddenly becomes high] with your voices? You sound absolutely ridiculous! I mean your voices are so stupid now, tha-.......... Hey! Wait!

MIKE: [High voice] Heh. Cool.

TOM: Oh, shut up, Nelson.

CROW: [High voice, singing] We represent the lollipop guild...

TOM: Stop!

CROW & MIKE: [Singing] The lollipop guild...

TOM: No!

ALL BUT TOM: [Singing] The lollipop guild!
Weeeee represent the lollipop guillllllllllllllld...

TOM: SHUT UP!

MIKE: Oh, alright.

MIGHTY: Jeez, what a grouch.

MIKE: Hey, uh, Knucksy? You do realize that you may have used too much, haven't you?

KNUCKLES: How so... mon?

MIKE: Well, there's obviously a leak somewhere.

KNUCKLES: Yeah? MIKE: And, well, you're in space.

KNUCKLES: WHAT?

MIKE: And, well, you're in space.

KNUCKLES: WHAT????!!!

MIKE: And, well, you're in space.

KNUCKLES: Oh no!

MIGHTY: Space is a vacuum! A vacuum!

CROW: So?!

MIGHTY: If stay outside in space, we'll bl-

[All spontaneously combust. Odd pause.]

[Commercials]

[All walk in as if nothing had happened and give no explanation.]

MIKE: [Humming] Do do do do do....

Chaos Race

Part 2: Blue

CROW: Buckle my shoe.

Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi

TOM: [Speed Racer announcer voice] Unbeknownst to Adrian and Alessandro, Chaos is secretly their older brother Rex who disappeared several years earlier.

[Legal disclaimer:

This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications,

ALL: [Singing] Archie's here... da da, da da...

Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely distribute this story, so long as:

a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who distributes the story, and

b:

MIKE: The Nets don't get past the first round of playoffs.

the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.

In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.

CROW: Not even if God asks you to.

Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.]

MIKE: Yadda yadda, I don't really know the rest.

******

As Sonic raced towards the blue Chaos Emerald's location, his mind pondered the recent turn of events. He distinctly remembered the last time Amy had been to Knothole...

[All make standard flashback noise. Mike stands up and waves his arms around to give it a pseudo-wavery feel.]

******

It all started on a routine mission. Sally had intercepted broadcasts about SWATbot activities near the far side

TOM: ...by Gary Larson.

of the Great Unknown, several days away from Knothole, and Sonic had volunteered to check things out. Nothing important had happened for weeks, so this was a welcome change of pace for the hedgehog.

When he reached the end of the rocky, barren Great Unknown, Sonic decided to stop for a chili dog break. He had just settled down

CROW: With his wife and 2.5 kids.

in a clearing in a nearby forest, when he heard someone crying. Following the sound, he found a pink hedgehog girl, sitting on a log.

TOM: [Singing out of key] There's a hog on a log in the fog filled bog out by the frog, there's a hog on a log...

MIKE: Stop.

As he walked up to her, she lifted her head and looked at him with tear filled eyes.

CROW: Sonic stared in horror as the girl hefted her head and then threw it at him.

"Um, hi there." Sonic said for a start. "What are you doing here all alone in the woods?"

"Our...our village got attacked by SWATbots," the little girl replied between sobs. "I ran away...I just ran, and then I hid in the trees.

MIKE: "Uh, well, I'm not in a tree now, but if I was, that's where I'd be."

I'm too scared to go back alone."

Sonic sat beside the girl and gave her a hug.

TOM: {CRUNCH!}

"No problemo. I'll get you back home safely, or my name isn't Sonic the Hedgehog!"

The girl's face brightened. "You're Sonic the Hedgehog? Oh boy,

CROW: "I'm in more trouble than I thought."

I've heard so much about you. You're my hero!"

TOM: Ten seconds to revelation of crush... [starts counting down]

"Who hasn't?" Sonic smirked as he picked up the hedgehog, who cradled in his arms and smiled back at him with gleaming eyes.

TOM: ...zero - And we have revelation of crush!

******

The hedgehog's name was Amy Rose. Sonic asked her a few questions about the village she came from, then raced off,

CROW: Sucker!

letting Amy point the way from the safety of his embrace.

CROW: Oh.

It was worse than he had expected.

TOM: She was heavy!

Setting Amy down, Sonic surveyed the damage.

MIKE: "It'll take me days to get back in shape!"

Most of the houses were destroyed or burning, and there were no living beings anywhere.

CROW: AOL Headquarters.

"Don't worry, Amy." he said, trying to comfort her as best as he could. "You can come with me to Knothole. There's lots of nice people there, you'll like it."

Amy glared at him.

TOM: "I can't believe you said that to me."

"You mean I can come with you?"

"Sure. If you want."

"Of course I want! I always dreamt of being with you."

CROW: There is something vaguely disturbing about that line.

Amy sighed happily, clasping her hands together.

MIKE: "Mosquito; there, got it."

******

Sonic decided to search the village alone, to keep Amy from seeing more of the destruction. He had told her to wait for him in one of the houses that was still intact.

CROW: Which was unfortunately an outhouse.

"Oh, man. I hate it when this happens," Sonic lamented, while walking through the empty streets and abandoned homes. "Looks like this round goes to Robotnik. When I get my quills on that lard bucket..."

"HEDGEHOG! PRIORITY ONE!"

TOM: OSTRICH! PRIORITY SEVEN!

CROW: BEAGLE! PRIORITY PI!

Sonic twirled around,

MIKE: "Oh no! I've got boogie fever! There's nothing I can do!"

to find himself standing face to face with a SWATbot, lasers aimed directly at him. This one had probably been left behind

TOM: Because he was tricked into going on a snipe hunt.

to make sure that none of the villagers had escaped. Sonic prepared to dash away, but wasn't sure if he could outrun a laser blast at this distance.

"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!"

CROW: "YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!"

the robot droned, waving its laser.

TOM: "DAAHHH, HOW DO YOU AIM THIS THING?? DOYYYY!"

"YOU WILL COME WITH ME TO THE TRANSPORT SHIP FOR ROBOTIZICATION!"

MIKE: Or come to the robot ship for transportation. I'm not sure.

"Leave him alone," a familiar voice suddenly screamed.

TOM: Oh no! It's granny! Get out of that tree, granny!!

Amy had jumped up at the SWATbot from behind, and was now banging on its head with her fists.

CROW: You-brute-you-brute-you-brute-you-brute-you-brute-you-brute-you-brute!

The robot reached upwards to pull her off...

TOM: "Still a bit early in the season -- I'll just leave her in a basket on the kitchen counter and let her ripen."

...and was almost instantly cut in half by a well-placed Sonic Spin. The short moment of distraction was all Sonic had needed.

He looked at Amy. "Way past! Amy, I could kiss you."

MIKE: "You'd never selfishly put all the Freedom Fighters and the Floating Island at risk of horrible death!"

Amy's face lit up in delight. Before Sonic knew what was happening, she had already planted her lips on his.

CROW: If she cultivates to a uniform six inch depth I'm gonna vomit.

After a few seconds, Sonic pulled her off him. "What was that for?"

Amy blushed. "Well, you said..."

"Oh, right."

MIKE: Who are you, again?

She threw her arms around him and held him tightly. Not knowing what else to do, he hugged her back.

******

In the following days, as the pair made their way back to Knothole, Amy more than proved her adoration for Sonic. Wherever Sonic went,

CROW: The lamb was sure to go.

Amy followed as best she could, and tried to snuggle up to him whenever she got an opportunity to do so.

TOM: So that's why she came back - she wants child support!

Finally, they reached their destination, and jumped into the hidden entrance together.

CROW: The author's Fruedian slip is showing.

Sonic let go of Amy as they entered the haystack, only to run into Sally as he left it.

Had Sonic known what the result of Sally's kiss would be, he would have covered Amy's eyes.

TOM: She couldn't understand the concept of using a tongue.

As it was, Sonic was in for weeks of bitter rivalry. Every time he tried to have a good time with Sally, Amy interrupted. Every time he tried to talk with Amy, Sally interfered.

MIKE: When Second Grade Goes To War!

Just when he was about to break up one particularly loud shouting match, Amy stormed away. At first, he thought Amy had just gone somewhere to cool off, but when she did not return, Sonic realized that Amy had left Knothole forever.

TOM: Well, actually, it'd have to take him forever to determine that.

MIKE: Thank you, Tom.

TOM: See, it's a simple application of the Godel Incompleteness Theorem...

MIKE: Okay, Tom.

TOM: And the resulting indeterminacy of any system robust enough to include arithmetic truths...

MIKE: Fine, Tom, you get a gold star on your paper.

TOM: Yippee!

******

Sonic's mind snapped back to the present as he saw a blue glow straight ahead: the blue Chaos Emerald. He leapt towards it, hands outstretched, only to see it dissapear into the bush it rested on.

CROW: ...And he's dropped that catch... the crowd goes wild. It's a misfield... what do you think, Gary?

Startled, Sonic turned around, ran back to the plant, and dove into it.

"Shiny!"

TOM: And suddenly Ranger Rick pays Sonic a visit.

He poked his head out of the bush, to see a small packrat holding the emerald. The packrat was very young, about one headspan shorter than Tails,

MIKE: So about ten feet shorter, in Mobian terms.

and poorly kempt. Sonic knew that there were some packrat families living in the Great Forest on their own, hiding from Robotnik. "Maybe this kid got lost," he thought, "or his family's been roboticized."

CROW: "Or maybe they banish anybody with an IQ of less than three."

Sonic remembered a more pressing duty

MIKE: "Uh, where's the little hedgehog's room?"

when he saw the packrat carrying the emerald away. He jumped out of the bush.

TOM: [Daffy Duck] Greetingth, Fat Friar! I am Robin Hood!

"Hey, that's my emerald," he yelled.

MIKE: Well, an acquaintance's anyway.

"Hand it over!"

The packrat leapt back in surprise as he noticed the hedgehog, and protectively shielded the gem. "No! I found it! It's mine!"

TOM: [Yoda] Mine! Mine! Mine!

"I don't have time for this." Sonic zipped up to the rodent, grabbed the emerald, and tried to pry it from the child's grasp. "Nng...let go!"

CROW: I knew that deep down Sonic was only a bully.

The packrat clung to the gem as if his life depended on it.

MIKE: Well, his existence in this subplot does, anyway.

"No! Go away! It's mine!"

TOM: [Yoda] Mine! Mine! Mine!

MIKE: Enough of that!

Sonic pulled harder. "I...said...let..."

CROW: Spock!

The emerald popped free. Sonic climbed on the packrat to grab the gem, but slipped off.

TOM: Suddenly keeping the gems wrapped up in banana peels seems like a bad idea.

Before he could get back up, the packrat lunged for the emerald and grabbed it with both paws.

Suddenly, the rat was engulfed in blue energy,

CROW: Aw, it's just potential energy.

which poured out of the emerald like nothing Sonic had ever seen before. Even a power ring held less energy than this gem. The energy stream lasted only a few seconds, but by that time, the packrat was already glowing in a pure blue, frowning at the hedgehog.

MIKE: The experiments with crossing a rat, a Smurf, and a glow worm go horribly wrong.

Sonic stepped away from the packrat. "Whoa...cool off, kid. I didn't mean it bad. Just give me the emerald and I'll leave." He reached for the stone.

The next thing he remembered was a collision with one of the nearby trees,

CROW: Thus completing the triangle of ski-related deaths.

which the packrat had thrown him into.

"GRRR...YOU! TRIED TO TAKE MY GEM," the packrat growled.

TOM: "There can be only...wait."

Sonic rubbed his aching

CROW: Bacon.

head. "Uh-oh. Way uncool...how on Mobius can I defeat a packrat with Chaos powers?"

MIKE: "Maybe I can express the problem better in...a song!"

He got up again, and pulled his backpack free from some of the lower tree branches. It opened as he did so, revealing a Power Ring inside. "Wait a sec, maybe this could work..." He turned to the packrat. "Hey, blue boy!"

TOM: Suddenly, Vision makes a repeat appearance.

The packrat advanced on Sonic.

Sonic stepped backwards, slowly gaining speed.

CROW: By taking a single step?

"Yeah, you. Just 'cause you're blue don't mean you're cool.

TOM: Actually, it is. And so are a couple of the secondary colors.

Bet you can't catch me!" He quickly built up a fast pace. Before long, he was halfway to earning his name again. Looking over his shoulder,

CROW: What shoulder?

he saw a blue silhouete as it accelerated to match his speed. "What, you wanna race? Ha!

MIKE: [Packrat] No! You just dropped your keys!

Nothing beats the blue blur, not even another blue blur." Sonic ran faster.

TOM: And smashed into a tree at 200 MPH.

The azure packrat kept up, slowly closing in on Sonic.

"This calls for some serious action." He pulled the power ring out of his pack, held it up, and quickly absorbed its energy. "Juice time!"

CROW: Ooh, I wanna turn into shiny liquid metal and go skating around this little basin by a Capri-Sun sign until the security guard comes!

Twin sonic booms echoed throughout the Great Forest as Sonic lead the packrat on a supersonic chase. Sonic had almost made it back to Knothole when he noticed that his pursuer was starting to slow down.

Just as they reached the entrance to Knothole, the packrat collapsed from exhaustion. The blue glow faded away, with no more chaos energy remaining to power it.

MIKE: I suppose Knuckles won't be able to use it anymore then. What a dumb waste!

Sonic, on the other hand, had only extended his power ring's life with his own energy, and still felt ready to run.

TOM: This isn't supposed to be SCIENCE, is it??

He walked back to the packrat and smirked. "See? I told you I'm the Fastest Thing Alive."

CROW: "Don't you listen to my theme song? Do you have some kind of attitude problem?"

MIKE: Nice of him to gloat over an opponent near death.

"Sh...shiny,"

TOM: En...Entertainment... and Playmates... present...

the packrat whispered, still holding on to the gem with both paws, but with no strength left. It would be easy to take it now. Sonic put his hand on the gem,

MIKE: "Hm, you don't seem so feverish. I think you'll go to school today."

but as he looked into the kid's big, tear-filled eyes, he just could not bring himself to pull.

"Look, I really need this emerald. Our home and a whole island is at stake..."

CROW: And my needs are inherently more important than yours.

The packrat just sobbed.

Sonic could not bear to push the kid away. "Boy, this looks like a mondo big problem here," he said to himself. "What am I gonna do?" He sat down next to the packrat to think of a solution.

TOM: Tragically, by the time Sonic had managed to think of a possible solution, the island had crashed into Knothole, killing everybody still there.

Something dragged on his quills. Looking at his back, he saw that it was covered with leaves and tiny branches, which had been stuck there during his fight. "Eww! What else could go wrong," Sonic lamented. He pulled a small mirror from his backpack,

MIKE: Never go on a top-secret commando raid without your beauty supplies.

and started combing his spikes back to their former glory.

TOM: You know, I would question Sonic's priorities, but he is the protagonist so clearly this will have to be the right thing to do.

As he stroked them back into place, he noticed the packrat looking at him with wide eyes.

CROW: [Packrat] What are you doing??

"Ultra shiny!"

"Huh?" Sonic looked around, wondering what the kid could have meant, then his gaze fell on the mirror. "The mirror? But that's nothing special, it's just..." An idea formed in Sonic's head.

MIKE: As opposed to his kidney?

"Hey, you wanna trade? Shiny for shiny?"

The kid released the gem and grabbed for the mirror faster than Sonic could blink, and admired his reflection. "Yay! Ultra shiny!"

TOM: This kid's a mental mountain.

Sonic picked up the emerald from the ground, relieved. Then he smiled. "You wanna have more shinies?"

The packrat gazed into his mirror, then looked up. "More shinies?"

MIKE: Packrat: Portrait of an Anthropomorphic Shinies Addict.

Sonic pointed to the stump that lead to Knothole, only a short distance away. "All the shinies you could want.

CROW: [Sonic] See, you just wait until nobody's looking, then you jump into the fountain and scoop up all the shinies on the bottom.

And I'm sure they can help you find your parents, too."

TOM: Unless they're dead, which they most likely are.

"Hooray! Shinies!" With a look of pure awe on his face, the kid leapt into the stump.

MIKE: [Packrat] Forget my parents, just give me those shinies!

Sonic looked at the emerald, and admired his reflection in the blue crystal as it smirked back at him. "Now, am I cool, or what," he said to himself, grinning. He knew that, unlike Amy, this kid would not run away.

TOM: Of course, it took him three months to notice Amy had run away.

As he prepared to speed away, he heard the packrat's arrival in Knothole.

"Shiny!"

"Who are you," Bunnie's voice replied, "and what d'yuh think you're doing on mah arm? We are busy with an evacuation here."

CROW: If Rogue and the Trix Rabbit had a child...

"Shiny! Shiny!"

MIKE: Bo biny, banana-fanna fo finy.

Sonic laughed out loud as he ran towards the grey Chaos Emerald's crash site.

CROW: "Hope you enjoy life in hell, there, Bunnie! Ha ha!"

******

Packbell laughed out loud as he held the grey Chaos Emerald in his hands. "What fools those

MIKE: Mortals be.

Freedom Fighters are. The other emeralds hold incredible power, but the grey one is the Master Emerald.

TOM: [Packbell] "Uh...you folks at home buying this?"

With it, I can control all the others. Those idiots might beat my robots, but I have already won. It doesn't matter how many of the other emeralds they find; when they bring the emeralds back to the Floating Island, I shall be there, and this emerald shall take the others right out of their hands. All I have to do is wait..."

MIKE: [Packbell] In the meantime, I'll practice my histrionic laughter some more.

A brief surge in his speakers' power levels made Packbell's laughter sound like thunder as he walked away.

CROW: [Packbell] It is funny... Well, I guess you had to be there... Wait, I was. [All leave.]

[Commercials]

[SOL. Crow is at the counter, flipping through an all Lara Croft issue of Gamepro. Servo slowly approaches him from behind, breathing heavily. Crow turns and notices him.]

CROW: Oh, hi, Tom. I just found a code that will allow you to see Lara nude! But don't tell Mike, or... [notices Tom's heavy breathing] What's the matter?

TOM: Shiny...

CROW: Uhm, Tom, I think the fic's getting to you. Hey, wait, what are you... aghhh!

[Servo tackles Crow and they disappear behind the counter.]

MIKE: [Walking in, seeing no one] Say, Crow, have you seen my Gamepro around? Crow? [Looks down] Oh my God! Servo, what are you doing?!

[Yanks Crow out of Tom's clutches.] Tom, what's gotten into you?

TOM: [Violently] Shiny mine! [Lunges for Crow as Mike quickly pulls him above his shoulder, causing Servo to fall to the floor.]

MIKE: [To Crow, lowering him to the floor.] Are you all right?

CROW: Oh, yeah! He's just snapped is all... again.

TOM: [Getting up of floor] Give me shiny!!!

MIKE: [Looks around, notices mirror lying on counter, and grabs it.] Uhm, here's a shiny!

TOM: [Lunges for it] Shiny mine! [Mads' light flashes]

TOM: Button shiny! [Goes for it]

MIKE: Hey, no! No! [Shoves Tom away while he taps the button.] No! Down! [Tom whimpers.]

MIKE: No!

[Mobius. Outside in the village. Pearl is lounging in a hammock. Enter Observer.]

OBSERVER: Hm...

PEARL: Hm...

OBSERVER: Sure is warm today.

PEARL: Tell me about it. It's always spring on this planet.

OBSERVER: Except when it pertains to the plot.

PEARL: Yeah, there's that... Y'know, living on a planet inhabited by furries that aid in my goal to drive Mike insane... really sucks.

OBSERVER: Hm?

PEARL: There's nothing to do now.

OBSERVER: Oh, c'mon. Bobo finally has plenty of other people to bother, and ... and I can't think of anything else to list here.

PEARL: Well, y'know, Brain Guy, I frankly can't wait for Mike to finally blow this place up. We've never stayed more than five experiments on a foreign planet and what is it now?

OBSERVER: [Muttering] Well, uh, we got here, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, comic book, that weird "Cedric Incident" that apparently happened in another dimension... [Aloud] Uh, about eight or nine.

PEARL: There, see? Too long. Mike? Blow this place up. W-

OBSERVER: No, I wouldn't do that.

PEARL: Because?

OBSERVER: Well, you see, Sonic fans can be the touchiest little stinkers. They even wished death upon several official writers and artists for not doing exactly as they wished, so-

PEARL: So basically, they'd search and destroy.

OBSERVER: Exactly.

PEARL: Man... So, what do we...?

OBSERVER: We just up and leave.

PEARL: Just... leave? Without leaving the debris of this world behind us? Isn't that breaking an old tradition?

OBSERVER: We didn't blow up Rome.

PEARL: Well, duhhhhh. We wouldn't exist if we blew up Earth's past.

OBSERVER: Well, I would.

PEARL: Shut up.

OBSERVER: Yessum.

[Enter Bobo.]

BOBO: Whoo-hoo. That Sonic can sure play cricket. I'm so exhausted. So, I miss much?

PEARL: We're leaving.

BOBO: What? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

OBSERVER: Baby.

BOBO: Give me one good reason why we should leave!

PEARL: We're bored.

BOBO: I'm not.

PEARL: Tough nipples.

OBSERVER: Listen, I'd hate to just hear this complaining as we're driving away, so why don't we make a little game out of it? We'll personally show you at least three reasons why we should get the hell out of here, and you come with us and get the hell out of here. We can't find that many reasons, we stay. Deal?

BOBO: What was that part after you said "listen"?

[SOL. Mike and Crow are tossing the mirror to each other while Tom unsuccessfully tries to recover it.]

MIKE & CROW: [More or less to the tune of "Ring Around the Rosie"]
Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyahhhhhh, nyah!
Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyahhhhhh, nyah!

[Alarms]

TOM: Fanfic sign shiny!

MIKE: Let's move it! It's fanfic sign!!

TOM: SHINY!

[Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...safe...]

[All enter] TOM: Shinyshinyshinyshinyshinyshiny...

[Mike smacks him upside the head.]

TOM: Ow. Thanks.

Chaos Race

Part 3: Yellow

CROW: So it makes sense that Antoine is in this one.

Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi

[Legal disclaimer:

TOM: Despite the zingy taste, it's bad manners to eat your neighbor's car battery.

This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely distribute this story, so long as:

CROW: You don't let the Canadians get hold of it.

a: no recompense of financial value

MIKE: In an embarrassing situation, both Adrian and Al forget how to spell "money."

is received or given by the person who distributes the story, and

b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.

In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.

Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.]

******

"Gee, Antoine, I never knew you could stay silent for so long."

TOM: I'm happy, but...

Tails slowed down his flight, set his friend on the ground gently, and landed. "You can relax now.

CROW: "Ew! Not that kinda relax!"

I'll have to rest a bit before carrying you any further."

Antoine did not move a muscle.

"Antoine? You ok?" Tails waved a hand in front of the nearly white, tailless fox, prodded him with a finger,

MIKE: Is it ripe yet?

and watched in surprise as Antoine tipped over backwards.

CROW: Obviously French to use a Jerry Lewis schtick.

Antoine caught himself just before he landed, snapping out of his reviere. As he spoke, he slowly recovered his natural brown color. "What was zat being for?"

"You were frozen stiff. You wouldn't talk to me.

MIKE: I have a feeling we're drifting apart.

I thought something happened to you."

"To moi? Do not be silly. Ah am perfectly ahlright. Now, let us get goeing. Ze Princess has aurdered us to find ze yellow emerald.

TOM: You know, if this goes on, France might invade Japan just to get back at the Sega corporation.

We must depart without delay..."

"We're almost there."

Antoine blinked, looked around, and saw Great Forest's border miles behind him. At the moment, he was standing on a barren, sandy plain that was a corner of the Great Desert.

CROW: Great, great, great, great...

TOM: I'm surprised that it isn't the Great Island that's gonna land on Knothole.

"How did we get zo far?"

MIKE: We called Ikea and had them deliver...oh, oh, 'so far,' I see.

"I carried you. Don't you remember...oh, I get it. You paniced."

"Paniced? Moi? Ah told you before, do not be silly. Ah never panic."

CROW: [Antoine] Ah just was een pain from hearing my badly wreetten dialogue.

Tails giggled. "Sure, Antoine. You were just pretending, right?"

"Well...ok, maybe zis once even I, Antoine DeCoolete, was scared. But zere was being a good reason. Just before we left, I remembered where we were going."

TOM: That's a good time to remember where you're going.

"There's nothing scary about it."

"Au contrair, mon ami.

MIKE: [Antoine] Mah accent vould make Gambit take elocution lezzons!

Rosie told me about it many years ago. Eet was a place of evil,

CROW: EuroDisney?

even before Robotneek came along." Antoine stroked his chin briefly. "She nevar deed specify what kind of place, now zat I think about it."

"Aunt Rosie didn't tell you what it was?"

"No, just zat it was evil. Ah shudder to guess what it could have been: a den of cannibals, an experimental roboticizer, a monster's lair..."

MIKE: A setting for a Spice Girl's Concert...

"It's a casino."

Antoine paused, stared off into the distance, and sheltered his eyes with his hand. "A casino?"

"Yeah.

TOM: "It's called the Great Casino."

You can't quite see it from here, but Sonic and I went there once.

CROW: Sally was pretty mad after we came back with each others names tattooed on our butts.

I guess it's deserted now."

"A casino?

TOM: YES!! IT'S A CASINO! JEEZ!

Rosie made eet sound as if eet was ze worst spot in ze Kingdom of Acorn."

CROW: [Snort!]

"Maybe it was. But it's not anymore, thanks to Robotnik.

CROW: "Ever since it moved to the Kingdom of Banana."

Besides, I think Aunt Rosie just doesn't like gambling." Tails cracked a smile. "You should've heard her when Sonic and I got back. We kicked Robotnik big time, hung around to play the slots a bit, and actually won some money.

MIKE: "Ben Stein's, I believe."

Aunt Rosie said Sonic was corrupting me. The whole village heard, 'cept for you. You were on guard duty at the time, so you were...too far away to hear." Tails wanted to say "asleep", but he figured that Antoine would not want to be reminded of that at the moment.

TOM: Or of the mess he had left at the spot he slept in.

"Ah was scared of a casino?" Antoine's fur was starting to bristle. "We shall see about that. Come on, Tails, we have an emerald to find." He set off towards their destination.

Tails walked briskly to keep up, his tails still a bit tired from the flight. "Hey, wait up. What's the big rush?"

MIKE: Well, Manhattan Island dropping on their heads in half an hour.

"Zis ees only ze first emerald we were sent for. Packbell's robots will probably beat us to it if we do not hurry."

CROW: STOP THE FANFIC! In the first part, Sally sent Sonic after two emeralds, Tails and Antoine after just the yellow, and went after the other three emeralds with Amy!

"Alright, hang on..."

TOM: Okay, we can go. No, wait, hold on a second. No, we're ready. Wait.

Tails took off, grabbing Antoine as he passed overhead, and accelerated towards a building near the desert's edge.

******

Tails nearly crashed into the casino's revolving doorway.

CROW: He's a "special needs" freedom fighter.

He sailed through its empty doorframes, whose glass

TOM: So the glass door is now a sentient life form?

had long since been removed; then dropped Antoine on a large cushion before landing, falling on his face, and skidding to a halt on the lobby's thick carpeting.

MIKE: That's some rug burn he got.

Antoine picked himself up and ran over. "Mon dieu! Do not be telling me zat you are practicing Dulcy's landings." He checked his friend over for injuries, and was relieved to find none.

"I'm fine,"

CROW: I thought he was more chunky.

TOM: D'oh.

Tails wheezed between gasps of air, "just tired. You're heavier than you look."

"Hmm? No, it ees my uniform zat ees being heavy." Antoine dusted his jacket off and patted his ceremonial sword's scabbard.

CROW: And he was wearing his ceremonial uniform because...

MIKE: Because he's very, very lonely.

"Eef you had given me some time to prepare,

TOM: I'd have baked a cake.

ah would have changed to a lighter one." Antoine lifted Tails off the ground,

MIKE: [Antoine] I kiwwed the wabbit. {sob} Poor widdle bunny...

noticing that Tails was limp from exhaustion. "I shall find ze emerald while you recover."

TOM: Wouldn't it have been easier for all concerned to let Antoine WALK?

"But how..."

CROW: Try looking!

"Ze emerald crashed in from above, no? Therefore, it would have left a hole in ze roof. I just have to find zis hole, then follow it down." Antoine looked around. "Of course, even scanning ze whole roof will take a while."

MIKE: Being that they're inside! On the bottom floor!

"Maybe I can help."

Antoine turned around, to find a pig who had snuck up behind him. The pig was dressed in a surprisingly clean three piece suit, top hat, and polished black boots, with an old fashioned monocle and jeweled walking stick.

TOM: Wow! We've wandered into a Thomas Nast cartoon!

He had apparently eaten very well over the years;

MIKE: Yeah, he's such a pig.

his suit was a tight fit, but just loose enough to keep all but his hands and head from showing.

CROW: Isn't this what a suit is supposed to do?

MIKE: It's called pointless exposition.

"And who are you being?"

CROW: Is that a zen question? I was never good with those.

"I am Cap I. List, owner of this fine establishment. But you can call me Cap. Heck, you can call me just about anything.

TOM: "How about !&$@#... OW!"

I'm just glad for the company. No one's been around here since...hey! Look who's back. It's the furball who took me for some serious moolah. How ya doin', kit?"

Despite his exhaustion, Tails managed to smile.

CROW: [Mumbling] "Jackoff."

"You said you could help? Do you know..."

"...where that glowing yellow rock that gave this place a new skylight is?

MIKE: "Sorry, haven't seen it."

Yep, I sure do. Tell ya what, I'll show you where it landed."

TOM: "It hit me in the head, wiped out all my happy memories of life. You want some tea?"

"Mon ami! Zis is being wonderful. I am in your debt, sir."

"Hey, no problem. No problem at all. Just leave your friend here.

CROW: That way he can get captured and prolong the story even more.

It's a bit of a climb to the roof - the elevators died some time ago -

MIKE: I still hear their voices at night.

and I don't see why you have to exhaust yourself more than necessary."

"Will he be safe?"

"Of course he will.

TOM: "MWAHAHAHA!"

Why, there's nobody here 'cept for you, me, him, and Missy."

"Missy?"

"Oh, that's right, you haven't met. Oh, Missy, come here, please."

CROW: [Whistle] Good, boy.

Antoine's eyes nearly leapt from their sockets when a workerbot, who looked like it could have been Cap as a robot, walked in from the shadows. "A w-workerbot?"

MIKE: Obviously the pigs here are rubbing off on him. He's beginning to talk like Porky.

"Missy here is...was my wife,

CROW: And female clone.

TOM: Yech!

before Robotnik got ahold of her. I didn't want to fight, but she wouldn't listen. She's always been strong willed. Well, when Robotnik came by, he roboticized her and left her under my command, to guard the casino. He said that she was a reminder of what would happen to me if I ever

TOM: Left the toilet seat up again.

disobeyed him." A tear rolled from under Cap's monocle. "I didn't dare resist. At least this way, I got to keep Missy...what's left of her, anyway."

CROW: Yeah, Robotnik decided to leave the owner of the casino un-roboticized because...he...didn't want to tangle with the Department of Gaming?

"Are you sure it is being alright to trust her?"

TOM: No!

"Sure I'm sure. Missy was programmed to take orders only from Robotnik, Snively, or myself. Packbell never got added to that list.

MIKE: See, leave your beeper off for one lunch and you miss all the great stuff.

Robuttnik and Snidely can't give her orders from beyond the grave, so she'll only obey me now.

TOM: Wait, Robotnik's dead?

MIKE: No wonder he didn't screw up too much this story.

And if I order her to help Tails recover, she'll do that." Cap made a hand gesture, then pointed to Tails.

TOM: [Cap] Make Tails recover. No, not make Tails into a slipcover! STOP!

"ORDER ACKNOWLEDGED." Missy walked up to Antoine, then held her arms out. "IF YOU PLEASE."

MIKE: Are they Siamese?

"Well...do you trust them, Tails?"

Tails nodded his head. "Why not? They're cool."

CROW: So even if there's a chance they're working for Packbell, it's all right to trust them because they're "cool"?

"Ok." Antoine placed Tails, still limp, in Missy's arms. "Take care of him."

TOM: [Maniacal laughter] Take extra good care of him!

Missy turned and left without saying a word.

"What'd I tell ya? She only takes orders from me. Now c'mon, I've got to show you my new skylight."

******

Missy walked into a room that was strewn with machinery, and two things that reminded Tails of roboticizers.

MIKE: [Tails, humming] Doo doo doo doo; nope, doesn't mean a thing to me. La da doo doo doo...

"Is this where Robotnik did you?"

ALL: GYYAAACK!

Tails had gotten his breath back, but he was still tired.

The workerbot plodded on silently.

"Oh, sorry, guess you don't like being reminded of that."

TOM: [Missy] NO, I JUST LOOOOOOOOOVE TALKING ABOUT MY LOSS OF INDIVIDUALITY.

Missy placed Tails on a metal chair, then walked to a corner of the room.

MIKE: [Tails] Uhm, what's this metal helmet for?

"Look, I know you aren't programmed to talk to me, but this is a bit spooky." Tails was so tired that he almost slipped off of the chair. "Could I rest somewhere else?"

Missy returned with a long rope and started to loop it around Tails' body.

CROW: Sayyyy...

"Thanks." Tails tried to drag himself to an upright position. "This way, at least I won't fall off.

TOM: Dumber than a bowl full of hair.

It's a little tight, though. Could you... waitaminute..."

CROW: Natural selection in action, ladies and gentlemen.

Tails suddenly realized that Missy had tied his paws together. The workerbot looped the rope around his ankles, tied it securely, and started looping it around his legs.

MIKE: Rabbit comes out of the hole, round the tree, sees his shadow, teases the fox, fluffs his ears...wait. No.

"Missy, what are you doing? This isn't funny!" He struggled against the bonds, but to no avail. Missy just looped the rope around Tails a few more times, tied it off, and then walked out of the room.

TOM: [Missy] TIME FOR MY COFFEE BREAK.

******

Antoine marveled as he travelled across a catwalk overlooking several roofless enclosures, each one shining as if it had been built from pure gold. "Ah have never dreamed of so much wealth..."

"That's just paint.

CROW: "That's all I used to glue together this catwaaaAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHH!"

Real gold wouldn't stand up under the beating those rooms used to get." Cap snorted.

MIKE: Well, he is a pig and all.

"Course, it tricked more than a few gamblers into thinking we could cover the huge payoffs we promised. Not that they ever won, mind you."

CROW: [Cap] And if they did, we'd shoot 'em. Cut down on the number of people who tried to win, I'll tell you that!

"And eef they had?"

"They couldn't have. We rigged all the games with large bets. That was the real game: find out how much you could bet, and still have a chance of winning. We never told anyone in so many words, but if they couldn't figure it out..." Cap shrugged. "...their loss."

TOM: Their loss that they aren't psychic.

Antoine turned a wary eye to the pig. "Sir! Do you mean zat zis casino cheated honest Mobians out of zeir money?"

MIKE: Morality is for losers.

"Money was power, so I pursued it with all my heart. But now, I realize that money isn't everything. I would have given it all to keep Missy." Cap sighed.

TOM: "I hate explaining the moral of the story."

"But Robotnik wasn't interested in money. And now, this is all I have to show for my work." Cap gestured to the vast, empty floor below.

"So, where is ze Chaos Emerald being?"

"Hmm? Oh, that. Almost there." Cap hustled a few steps,

CROW: Proving that disco isn't dead.

opened a small door that lead into a dimly lit room, and motioned Antoine to enter. After a few more steps,

MIKE: They both got lost.

he tapped a spot on the ceiling with his walking stick, which caused a panel in the roof to slide back, revealing a jagged hole about the size of his head. "It came in here." Cap then pointed to a hole in the floor, which looked like it had been ripped out by a falling object.

Antoine looked at the roof's hole, then scanned the ground. "Ah do not see ze emerald. Ees it below?"

"Yes."

"Hmm...how to get down?"

TOM: I'll throw down a Jello mold, first.

"I'm afraid you won't. I need the emerald for my own purposes first, so you'll have to stay here until I'm done with your furry friend." With that, Cap slammed the door shut and locked it from outside.

MIKE: Holy cow! That was unexpected!

"Cap, what is ze meaning of this?" Antoine shrieked. He ran to the door and tried to open it, but it refused to budge.

******

Tails was still struggling against the ropes when Cap arrived. Even if he had been at full strength, Tails could not have broken the bonds.

CROW: Are sidekicks trained to get captured all the time?

As it was, Cap did not even notice Tails' efforts.

Tails looked up. "Cap! Something must be wrong with Missy! She just tied me up and..." He stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Missy walking in right behind the pig. A glint of yellow shined from within her robotic hands. Tails squinted to see what it was.

MIKE: A 'Have A Nice Day' button.

"Nice job, Missy."

TOM: "Take ten hours off."

Cap said, looking at Tails. "Sorry to have to do this, furball, but it's you or her."

Cap walked over to the machine's control panel, took the yellow object from Missy, and placed it inside the machine.

CROW: No! You put the 3.5 emerald in the 5.25 slot! Now we'll never get it out!

"What the...that's the Chaos Emerald!" Tails blurted out. "You had it all the time! Why didn't you tell us earlier?"

Cap sighed.

TOM: [Cap] I was setting you up, dickweed!

"This machine is a deroboticizier I've been working on for quite some time now.

MIKE: Most corrupt businessmen are expert engineers, after all.

I've been trying to find an adequate power source for months, with no luck. Then guess what just dropped in?"

CROW: Duhh, a thimble?

Cap closed the panel again and flipped a switch, starting up the machine's generator. "Unfortunately, this emerald will only let me transfer roboticization.

TOM: 'Cause that can be done, you know.

I have to roboticize someone to deroboticize Missy.

CROW: How does he know that?

I would've done your friend,

ALL: Spew!!

but he was easier to bump off."

Tails' eyes widened in disbelief.

MIKE: If you can't believe your corrupt mob bosses, who can you believe?

******

"Oh no! I ahm doomed! Doomed!" Antoine wailed, still desperately pulling on the door. Even thinking of what this crazy pig could do to him gave him the creeps.

CROW: He instantly regretted mentioning it was pork chops night.

He dearly wished that he never had agreed to go after those stupid emeralds. If Tails had not made him come, he would still be safe and sound at home.

TOM: Waiting for his crushing death from above.

He tried his best to stop his knees from trembling.

Tails...this reminded him of something. Cap said he wanted to do something to Tails!

"No! I will not allow zees!"

MIKE: No more zees! The alphabet ends with y's now!

Antoine said to himself with new-found bravery. "I will save him from zees evil swine!

CROW: Is that or is that not an insult?

Zere must be a way out of here."

Almost without thinking, Antoine whipped out his sword

TOM: Oh, so the real reason he was dressed in his ceremonial outfit was for PLOT CONVENIENCE!

and jammed it into the doorjamb. Thankful that it was not purely ceremonial, he gripped its hilt and pulled with all his might. With an unpleasant CRUNCH, the doorbolt gave way and sprang out of its frame.

MIKE: And he saw the next door just behind it!

After taking a moment to steady himself, Antoine yanked his sword free

CROW: Again, I question the choice of language.

and took off in pursuit of Cap.

******

"Hey, look at it this way. At least you'll live."

TOM: You'll be a souless machine, but you'll live.

Cap made a gesture to Missy, who picked up the tied fox, placed him on the machine's left platform, then walked to the right one.

"You-you don't have to do this, Cap," Tails argued. "Aunt Sally and the other Freedom Fighters have also been working on a deroboticizer. It can already deroboticize someone for a short time..."

"Sorry, kit. I've been trying to build a deroboticizer for years, and I miss her so much...I want her back NOW."

CROW: Netscape...NOW!

"Tails! Where are you?"

MIKE: He went for FAYYYYYYYGO!

a slightly trembling voice suddenly yelled, coming from the casino lobby.

"That's Antoine," Tails shouted with joy. "Ant, I'm MURF!"

TOM: "I'm blue, my name is an adjective, and I live in a village made of mushrooms."

Cap had quickly pulled out a large piece of cloth from his suit

CROW: Cuz every suit has always had a large piece of cloth in it, y'know.

and shoved it into Tails' mouth. "Oh, no you don't! Not when I'm so close!" He flipped another switch, causing the glass tubes of the deroboticizer to come down, trapping Tails and Missy inside. "And now for the final part..."

MIKE: The blinky stuff!

Cap moved his hand to a big red button in the middle of the control panel.

Tails' eyes bulged.

CROW: "That rope is tied too tightly around my-"

"MMM-MMMM!!"

MIKE: That's fine cookin'!

TOM: [Simultaneously] Bop!

[Mike and Tom stare at each other once more.]

Cap hesitated for a second, then pushed the button.

TOM: {Fwoosh!} [Hums "Mighty Science Theater."]

The machine started to hum. Yellow beams surrounded Tails and Missy...

...and abruptly stopped when, with a loud *CRASH* and a shower of sparks, the panel went to pieces. A sword vibrated where it had been thrown, sticking right in the middle of the mess.

MIKE: Message for you, sir!

"What?" Cap turned around, only to be knocked aside by a snarling Antoine,

TOM: Oh no! He's got rabies!

sending Cap to the ground.

Antoine winced. His throw had come too late. The machine had been activated.

MIKE: Didn't they just say that the yellow beams stopped?

TOM: Yeah.

MIKE: So what's he so concerned about?

CROW: Maybe it's a combination deroboticizer-coffeemaker, and it's making decaf instead of regular.

MIKE: Maybe...

"Non dieu!

CROW: There is so a God, you blasphemist!

What ahm I going to do now?" Inside the glass tube he could see Tails' body stiffening, his fur slowly turning into a metallic grey.

MIKE: They're flocking him!

There was only one chance.

"'Ere goes!" The fox grabbed the closest piece of equipment, smashed the glass tube where Tails was trapped, and pulled him out. More sparks came from the machine. The beams turned from yellow to a bright white, and finally disappeared.

TOM: Isn't it convenient that destroying the bad guy's machine always undoes the damage it did?

In one fluid motion, Antoine dove forwards, snapped up his sword, swung it around to cut Tails free,

CROW: [Tails] MY EYE!!!

and brought it back to just short of Cap's throat before the pig could get up again. "Fraize."

TOM: Frasier?

Cap's eyes were glued to the blade as if it was the only thing in the room. "P-p-please

CROW: "...Eddie!"

don't hurt me. I only w-wanted Missy back..."

"And you've got her," a female voice spoke from near the roboticizer.

MIKE: You mean DEroboticizer.

"Missy?" Cap almost sat up into the blade on hearing her voice, but when he felt its pressure, he settled for just shifting his gaze to his wife.

TOM: Another big, honkin' slab of plot convenience to the rescue.

"In the flesh. Now you, young fox, put that sword away this instant. You could hurt someone!"

CROW: Duh! That was the point!

Missy, now deroboticized, still looked so much like Cap that she could have been his sister.

TOM: Augh!

MIKE: I...need to go wash my hands.

She was even wearing a tuxedo that could have been one of Cap's spare suits.

CROW: So a transvestite pig married to her twin brother...

ALL: ...BLAUGH!

Antoine backed off, levelling his blade at the two of them.

"Missy! I missed you so much..." Cap rushed over to his wife to try to embrace her, but she pushed him away.

MIKE: I forgot our anniversary again, didn't I?

"You! How could you try to turn this poor little fox into a robot, just to save me?" Missy reproached him. "The Cap I knew was different. Greedy, yes, but he still had a kind heart!"

"But, Missy...I didn't want to do it. I simply had no other choice. I was all alone, with no one to help me...and I was scared."

CROW: Baby.

"We came for ze emerald." Antoine interrupted. "We would have gladly alped you eef you had asked, but you did not. Is zees not right, Tails?"

Tails was still sitting on the ground, checking over his body. Having found no robotic parts,

MIKE: "My belly button used to be an RS-232C port, right?"

he breathed a sigh of relief, and cast an evil glance toward Cap.

TOM: [Cap] What?!

"You would have just...helped us? If we'd asked?"

MIKE: Tails OFFERED help before you tried to zap him! Remember??

"Oui."

Cap was at a loss of words. "No-no one's offered that since before the Great War.

CROW: More great...

I...I feel so ashamed." He looked at Tails. "Can you forgive me, kit?"

"Uh..." Tails looked at the couple. It must have been pretty hard for Cap to live with his roboticized wife for all those years. And he had sounded so happy after Missy had finally been restored to normal...

Tails grinned. "I forgive you, under two conditions!"

"Conditions?" Antoine, Cap and Missy asked in unison.

MIKE: How dare you presume to be angry at people who attempted to snuff out your young life!

"First, we take the Chaos Emerald back to its rightful owner." Tails stood up, opened the smoking panel, and removed the emerald.

"And second...?" Cap asked hesitantly, expecting the worst.

TOM: "You try listening to Antoine for two hours straight."

"Second, from now on you will call me TAILS!" Tails could not help but giggle. Antoine and Missy smirked.

"But...but of course...Tails!"

MIKE: {Sigh} So we're okay, then?

Tails smirked again, and walked over to Antoine.

TOM: [singing] There's a whole lotta smirkin' goin' on!

"Alors. Then let us be going," Antoine said, moving towards the doorway.

Cap exchanged a glance with his wife. "Missy, should we tell them?"

"Yes. It's the least we can do."

"Tell us what?" Antoine had stopped in the doorway.

CROW: You've got toilet-paper stuck to your foot.

"Robotnik had a minor supply depot here. That's where I got the parts for the deroboticizer. He ordered us to tell no one, and set Missy to kill me if I tried to make anyone stumble across it. Once Robo-tink bought it, I turned his orders around: we weren't to tell anyone, even Snively or Packbell.

TOM: Yeah. And he was allowed to give orders because?

But we were still stuck with the stuff, so I fixed up the place and waited for someone to come. Now that you're here, and Missy's herself again, we can give you access to the supplies."

"Alright, show us zis depot."

******

Antoine and Tails followed the pigs cautiously, watching for possible traps but seeing none. "How much further?"

MIKE: [Cap] It's right inside this door. You two go first. Make sure to move all the way into the room so we can fit. Don't worry, we won't lock you inside. And that roof that looks like it could slide down? Don't worry about it!

"Not long, no sir. Right here, in fact." Cap pushed a button that opened a hidden trap door.

CROW: [Antoine] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

TOM: [Cap] Sorry; guess I shoulda asked you to move.

Beneath was a stair case, and a sight that had both foxes staring in awe.

Tails was not content to just stare for long, though, and quickly flew in to get a better look at the depot. "We could keep going for years with this stuff."

Antoine followed the pigs inside. "Oui. Eef zey are not trapped for boobies."

CROW: It's already captured Pamela Anderson.

"Perish the thought, good sirs. Robotnik made sure none of his enemies even knew about this place. Booby traps were unnecessary.

TOM: Because accidental discovery is impossible, even if you follow the robots picking up supplies from here.

Why, he even had a cargo transport making regular runs to this place...at least, he did until we shut it down to keep Packbell from finding us."

MIKE: So a sudden stop in business transactions is less suspicious?

"Does eet still work?"

"Sure. It's right over here." Cap pointed to an oversized, weaponless hoverbot, with a huge rear

CROW: [Snickers]

hatch.

CROW: Oh.

"Hmm. Tails, I am thinking. Perhaps ah should be taking some of zis back to Knothole, yes?"

Tails quickly slowed to a hover, then looked back at his friend. "This isn't the best time, Antoine. Remember the emeralds?"

"Yes, oui, I would be safeguarding the yellow one as well."

TOM: [Antoine] Beesahdes zee fact zat we were only sent for zee yellow emerald...

"But...I could use your help with the rest of 'em. Packbell's robots are probably already near the green emerald."

MIKE: But Sally and Amy are going for that one!!

"All ze more reason for me to make sure we do not lose what we have."

"Oook, if you say so."

TOM: Oook? Tails is a monkey now?

CROW: I'm tellin' ya, he and Bobo just hang out together too much.

"So, how are you going to get to the green emerald? I mean, you can fly, sure, but you're in no shape to fly all the way over there and back. Would you like a ride, sonny?" Cap started walking towards a large door on one side of the depot.

"Only if it's fast."

TOM: "You've never heard of the Robotnik Falcon? She made the Mobius run in twelve parsecs. She's fast enough for you, young man."

Cap chuckled. "Always the speedster, aren't ya? Well, you'll like this." He pointed with his stick to a small, sleek hoverbot that could have easily fit inside the transport twice. "Only enough room for one in there, but it goes faster than even Sonic.

CROW: So why didn't it ever occur to Robotnik or Packbell to use one of those things to turn Sonic into high-speed roadkill?

You might even beat Packbell to the next gem, if you hurry."

"Yahoo!"

TOM: Alta Vista! Dejanews! Mst3kinfo!

Tails was inside in a blink. "Catch ya back at Knothole, Ant."

Missy tapped a wall panel in a few specific places, causing the depot door to open into a concealed passage to the outside. Tails' craft was out of sight in no time.

MIKE: As is any respect I originally had for this fanfic, after reading this chapter.

[All leave]

[...safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk]

CROW: How dumb are they?

MIKE: Glad you've asked! Brainy has set up the same intelligence test he gave us for the Mobians. Now we can find out exactly how smart, or lack thereof, they are!

CROW: ...I was being rhetoric.

MIKE: ...Oh... well, you'll find out anyway.

[Mobius. Hut interior. Desks are lined up in schoolhouse fashion with the core Sonic characters and then some present. All of them are working on exams.]

SONIC: Psst, Amy. What's the answer to number 27?

AMY: Nineteen.

SONIC: The capital of Iran is nineteen?

AMY: Uh... yeah.

SONIC: Alright...

SALLY: Hey! Why are you talking to Amy?

SONIC: Uh-

AMY: He just prefers me, is all.

SONIC: Uh-

SALLY: Yeah?

SONIC: Uh-

AMY: Yeah!

SONIC: Uh-

SALLY: Yeah?

SONIC: Uh-

AMY: Yeah!

SONIC: Uh-

SALLY: Yeah?

SONIC: Uh-

AMY: Yeah!

SONIC: Uh-

SALLY: You anteater! Take this. [Sally jumps from her desk (knocking it over) and starts battling in a cloud of cartoon-style dust.]

SONIC: Uh........ so it was nineteen you said?

[Pan over to Pearl, Observer, and Bobo.]

OBSERVER: Reason number one: they're dumber than a sack of hammers.

BOBO: So?

OBSERVER: Well... okay, they're your type, but it's still a reason.

BOBO: I suppose so.

AMY: [Offscreen] Ow! My unbelievably huge eye!

[Commercials]

[All enter]

Chaos Race

Part 4: Purple

Written by:

CROW: Nobody.

Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi

[Legal disclaimer:

MIKE: "I don't want this; I disclaim it completely."

This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely distribute this story, so long as:

TOM: Nobody is forced to read it.

a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who distributes the story, and

TOM: Mike, please tell me that doesn't say what I think it said!

MIKE: What?

TOM: That the authors think people will pay for this story!

CROW: Hey, the story's better than the Sonic comics that Archie printed.

[Tom groans]

b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.

In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.

Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.]

******

Faster than most eyes could track, Princess Sally Acorn dashed down a path she had traveled more times than she cared to count.

MIKE: Four.

It was one of the many paths that lead from Knothole's entrance to the meadow surrounding Robotropolis. She recognized every tree; the forest animals that scattered out of her way

TOM: As she proceeded along her path like a juggernaut.

seemed like old friends. The shadow cast by the Floating Island just made it seem as though night had already fallen, until she left the shadow behind.

CROW: Oh, poor Alec Baldwin must be crushed!

Most familiar of all, though, was the part that she wished she would never have had to experience:

MIKE: Her high school reunion.

TOM: [Simultaneously] The Adam Sandler-Pauly Shore double feature.

[Pause]

BOTH: Will you cut that out?... D'oh! Stop it! STOP IT!

Robotropolis itself. Merely seeing the former capital of the Kingdom of Acorn reminded her why she had to retrieve the purple Chaos Emerald before the city's residents did.

CROW: Her sister double-dog-dared her to.

The abrupt change from fresh air to barely tolerable smog

MIKE: Whoever smelt it dealt it!

CROW: He who denied it supplied it!

put her instincts on alert, but she knew Packbell would be too distracted to deal with her at the moment. Sally was more concerned about the hedgehog she carried, whom she still considered untested.

TOM: "I hate exams"

She put Amy down and lead her into the city, carefully avoiding detection.

CROW: Her radar detector was dead, however, so she was soon pulled over for speeding.

******

The emerald's course had been plotted

TOM: Rather badly.

to one of Robotropolis's few remaining power plants,

MIKE: Where the aggressive corporate daisies hang out.

where the electromagnetic fields would severely hamper any robotic sensors. Any life form would have little trouble finding the emerald - but most such forms in the city were not in a position to care about it. As far as Sally knew, there were only four types of life present:

CROW: Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Clyde.

TOM: What about Sue?

CROW: She was the cute one.

byproducts of Robotnik's experiments, most of which led deliberately short, painful lives; a few traces of nonsentient life,

TOM: Like Neilsen ratings families.

primarily rodents,

MIKE: Like Hollywood agents.

that struggled to eke out an ecological niche;

CROW: Like Comedy Central executives.

billions of Mobians who had been turned into robotic slaves, almost too far gone to still be called alive; and two Freedom Fighters, who did not intend to stay for long.

TOM: They had a jazzercise class in the morning.

Amy Rose, on the other hand, was stunned by the sheer contempt for life that Robotropolis oozed. She had been to the city a few times before,

MIKE: To visit the Tick.

but it was still new enough to her that she sometimes thought it was just a nightmare. "I wish Sonic was here to help us," she said. "I always felt safe when he was around. He never let me out of his sight..."

"That's 'cause he wanted to make sure you won't cause any trouble," Sally replied dryly.

TOM: Well, more trouble, anyway.

They were on a death defying mission to

CROW: Defy death.

save both Knothole and the Floating Island, and all Amy could think of was Sonic.

"No, he did because he loves to have me around. I always stick up for him, and I believe in him."

MIKE: And in Ted Koppel.

Sally frowned. "I care for him too. You just want him because he's cool and popular..."

TOM: And he's got study hall same period as you...

"You care for him? You've never let him know that you love him. You order him around, and flirt with every guy who comes your way. How is that caring?"

MIKE: [Sally] Well, I care when he flirts with other people.

"What?" Sally stopped in her pace. "I never flirted with other guys!"

CROW: "So I pinched Antoine's butt once..."

"Oh yeah?" Amy grinned smugly. "Remember Griff, the Freedom Fighter from the underground city? Sonic told me everything about it. Case closed!"

"That...that was just because Griff was so handsome. Sonic knows I love him.

TOM: [Sally] Unless I find another more handsome guy - then you can have Sonic.

We go for walks, sit under the moonlight...snuggle..."

"Well, I would too if you'd stop hogging him!

MIKE: [As Sally] "Well, why don't you stop hedging him then?"

You're always around him, every minute. I can't get close 'cause you won't let me!"

Sally nodded. "That's right. I won't let you because

CROW: I want to hook you up with Crash Bandicoot.

you don't need to. Why don't you find someone your own age?"

ALL: Oooooooo!!!

"Why don't you find someone your own species?"

MIKE: Well, they were all roboticized and work for the forces of evil now.

ALL: Chick fight! Chick fight!

Sally wanted to give an adequate reply, but a noise coming from a nearby alley caught her attention.

ALL: Aw, man.

She quickly ducked behind a nearby garbage pile, pulling Amy down with her as a SWATbot walked by. "Still hasn't changed their timers," she thought.

TOM: That'll save us two, maybe three painful scenes.

"Packbell's getting sloppy."

CROW: Which is like UPN's programming getting stupid.

"Oof! Was it something I said?" Amy gasped, unaware of the robot. When Sally had pulled her down, she had looped her arm around Amy's neck, barely loose enough to allow Amy to speak and breathe.

TOM: And other science facts.

MIKE: You know, covering her mouth might work better.

"Shut up, for heaven's sake," Sally whispered. "There's a SWATbot nearby!"

She was too late. The robot sentry had already stopped, turned around, and started to walk toward the garbage pile, laser ready to fire.

TOM: We should've checked the recycling schedule!

"Great, now we've been spotted," Sally thought, while ducking deeper into the pile and cursing herself that she had taken Amy with her on this mission. "Let's hope he won't find us..."

MIKE: [Sally] Nobody's hiding in the garbage. Don't come over here and look. There's really nobody here, honest!

Suddenly, a small metal arrow zipped past Sally's head and pierced the SWATbot's armor, vital circuits, and power supply, sending sparks everyhwhere. The robot made a few jerky moves, then fell to the ground with a *CRASH*.

CROW: A crash?

MIKE: No, a *CRASH*!

It remained motionless, useful only as scrap.

"What..?"

TOM: Huh?

CROW: ..the heck?

MIKE: Where'd that come from?

Sally turned around, to see Amy

TOM: Wasn't Amy in a headlock last time we saw her?

holding a small gun-shaped object with a bow-shaped piece attached to the end of its barrel.

CROW: Barrel-shaped barrel?

MIKE: Notice it shoots arrow-shaped arrows. Clever, huh?

"Nice gadget, huh?"

TOM: Eh, fair episode, but Don Adams is good in anything.

Amy smirked while inserting a new arrow. "I brought this in case I had to deal with SWATbots. Works every time."

"Now listen here, young lady," Sally growled. "Next time, be more careful. Just because Sonic always takes risks doesn't mean that we should do the same."

"Oh, you prissy princesses are all the same," Amy pouted. "Prissy. Sonic likes how I handle things. That's why we fit together so perfectly."

ALL: Chick fight!

Sally sighed. "Listen, I'm not going to stand here and bicker on this! Let's ask Sonic himself who he prefers, as soon as we get back!"

CROW: Let's see some scratching and biting!

"FINE! I can't wait to hear his decision."

TOM: Doodily-doodily-doodily! [Sonic] But I like Nicole!

Sally took her microcomputer from her boot. "Nicole, can you locate the emerald?"

CROW: Darn.

MIKE: Patience, Crow. They have to try to kill each other sooner or later.

"AFFIRMATIVE, SALLY. THE EMERALD IS LOCATED IN THE POWER PLANT 50 METERS TO YOUR LEFT," Nicole replied.

MIKE: Right.

TOM: No, left.

MIKE: Left. Right.

TOM: No, no.

MIKE: Right?

TOM: No, left.

MIKE: Okay.

TOM: Right.

MIKE: Okay then.

TOM: No, no, the left!

MIKE: It's left?

TOM: Right!

"Ok, let's go!"

******

Amy and Sally reached a huge platform overlooking the generator array. The power plants were about as close as anything in Robotropolis got towards waste management: they burned organic refuse

MIKE: That's exactly how I feel after too many tacos.

from the rest of the city, and used the rising smoke to turn turbines which generated electricity. Even here, the atmosphere was not actually toxic, but it smelled as if it were.

CROW: Um, if you tried to smell toxic stuff, wouldn't it kill you? How could you know what it smells like?

When the power plants were operating at 100 percent of their designed capacity, only special acid-proof robots could safely operate below the platform, whose air filters recycled the acidic vapors for use elsewhere. Packbell had been running the plants at above 100 percent ever since his takeover.

TOM: Causing it to burn out and become useless in hours.

Even though the plant occupied a full square kilometer of Robotropolis, and was hundreds of meters tall, Robotnik's insistence on a polluting design had ultimately worked to his disadvantage:

CROW: He could no longer tell a cabbage from a lettuce.

Mobitropolis's smaller power plants had, before Robotnik wrecked them in his takeover,

MIKE: Given generously to the United Way.

produced many times as much power with no pollution.

TOM: Why does Robotnik or Packbell suddenly sound like a villain from Captain Planet?

Totally oblivious to this, Amy's thoughts were still centered around Sonic.

"He's going to like *me* better!"

"Yeah, right." Sally nodded in anticipation. "Now, can you please give it a rest? We have to find the emerald. Start searching!"

CROW: File not found.

They both started to search the platform. The ventilators, which spared them from the acidic sauna

MIKE: Whoa, I've had some acidic sauna's too, man.

meters below, projected enough of their machinery through the platform to turn it into a giant maze.

"Once Sonic even brought me a flower when I felt glum..." Amy sighed, lost in her thoughts.

"Just one?" Sally snorted, unable to stand it any longer.

TOM: Why do we hafta put up with this attitude of her's every month?

She walked over to Amy, and turned her around. "Listen here, pencil head! Sonic is mine! I have known him longer than you, and I give the orders around here!"

"Boyfriend stealer!"

MIKE: Denture wearer!

"He was never your boyfriend to begin with!"

CROW: Yes he was! I have the paternity papers to prove it!

"'Cause you stole him from me!"

TOM: How can she steal him if he wasn't her boyfriend?

MIKE: Never mind, it's never wise to get involved in an argument between females.

"I'm a princess. I will go out with whomever I choose. Sonic is mine. Go find your own boyfriend."

"Go find your brain!"

TOM: Take it to the Wizard!

"Don't talk back to me, young lady!"

Amy grinned. "I'm not one of your Freedom Fighters, I'm a free hedghog.

CROW: How do you pronounce 'hedghog'?

TOM: The same way you just did.

CROW: Oh... wha-huh?

You can't command me. I will talk back to whomever I choose!"

Sally was getting really mad now. "Watch what you're saying, little girl..."

"Don't call me a little girl,

TOM: "I'm a vertically challenged second-sexed pre-adult."

you egotistical excuse for royalty," Amy cried back, inwardly seething.

"Go jump in a roboticizer!"

With that, Sally leaped at Amy. They both rolled over the ground, fighting furiously.

CROW: Finally...

"There's only one girl fit for Sonic, and that's me!" Amy screamed.

TOM: I'm tailor made to fit him!

"There's not enough room for the both of us, you pink pin cushion!"

MIKE: They suddenly break out in an exchange of Snidely Whiplash/Dr. Smith insults!

At this close range, Amy could not turn around to use her quills, and thanks to her reliance on her pistol, she was not very experienced in hand to hand combat.

CROW: She was, however, very experienced at things like snuggling.

Sally, on the other hand, was in her element. She saw Amy trying to curl up,

TOM: This doesn't exactly have the oomph we were hoping for, does it?

and countered with a well aimed uppercut. The force of her blow sent the

CROW: I guess not.

hedgehog flying across the roof. She watched with satisfaction as Amy crashed

MIKE: In fact, I don't really care how this ends, as long as somebody gets beheaded.

into the back side of a projecting air vent.

CROW: Oh, yay. Her back has snapped.

Sally climbed a nearby railing to get up again, and dusted herself off.

MIKE: [Singing] She gets knocked down, but she gets up again, you're never going to keep her down!

"There! That should teach you not to mess with a princess, you EEK!"

TOM: Oh yeah? Well you're a YIPE!

The railing she had leaned on suddenly gave way, and she fell over the edge of the platform.

In an instant, Amy dove forwards toward Sally,

CROW: ...and pushed her.

and managed to grab her outstretched hand. Sally looked down at the generators below,

MIKE: Which were down.

which were working so far over their design capacity that arcs of electricity played between them through the deadly miasma. One of the arcs nipped at Sally's heels, prompting her to grab Amy's arm with her other hand. Only then did Sally realize why she was still above the vapor.

TOM: Would that be because the laws of gravity were repealed?

MIKE: Did Sally suddenly gain the ability to fly?

CROW: Or did she just forget to look down?

MIKE: Is it the ten-foot thick plexiglass wall under her feet?

Sally looked at Amy, and for a brief moment, she was afraid that Amy might just drop her.

TOM: Please?

A moment that seemed like an eternity to her. Eventually, Amy's arm slowly pulled her upwards, until she was safely back on the platform.

CROW: Then she was pushed off.

TOM: [Amy] I wanted the satisfaction of making you fall myself.

"Why...why didn't you let me fall?" Sally was panting heavily, fear having made her forget to breathe.

CROW: Well, 'cause the Sonic fans get all whiny every time you do fall to your death.

"You could have had Sonic all to yourself."

"No way! Sonic will choose who he loves.

MIKE: Himself.

I will make him love me because of who I am, not because I'm the only one left.

CROW: [Amy] Anyway, I'm still working on offing that Boobowski girl. There are three more after her, before I get to you.

Besides, we're after the purple emerald, right?" Amy's other hand grabbed the gem, caught on some wiring just below the railing Sally had fallen through.

TOM: Dah- Jeez!

MIKE: Packbell magically intercepts the gray emerald without explaining how, but he misses the purple one that landed right next to his headquarters!

"Purple is the color of royalty, so you should have it." She offered it up to her opponent.

Sally snatched the emerald from Amy, then paused to consider what she had just said. "Yes, royalty should have it..."

One thought screamed in her head,

CROW: You mean that Michael and Janet Jackson video?

but Sally would not let herself give voice to it: "...the one who has earned royalty, not the one who was born with it."

TOM: Okay, so how the hell is that relevant?

[All leave]

[...safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk]

TOM: Wow, Amy changed from a vindictive, whiny, dreamy little girl to a selfless, heroic young lady.

CROW: In other words, the author came up with a lame way to make a point about sportsmanship between competitors.

MIKE: How much you wanna bet that she's not back to normal by her next scene?

CROW: Sorry Mike, she's definitely going to be the same whiny Amy we know and hate.

MIKE: How about you, Tom?

TOM: Same here.

MIKE: Cambot? [Cambot nods no]

MIKE: Oh well, it's not like I could do anything with any money I'd win.

[Mobius. In the village. Sonic is sitting on a bench staring at the sky.]

SONIC: Heh heh... birdies... [splat!] Oh yuck!

[Enter Amy Rose]

AMY: Hi there, Sonic.

SONIC: Hi there... uh... Pinky.

AMY: Tee-hee. That's a cute nickname.

SONIC: Yeah... nickname...

AMY: [Sitting down next to Sonic] Soooooooooooooo...

SONIC: Yeah?

AMY: Soooooooo... hell with it; kiss me.

SONIC: Huh?

AMY: Kiss me!

SONIC: But Sally-

AMY: Yeah, Sally. She can go lick my-

SALLY: Hi, Sonic.

AMY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

SALLY: Messing with my property again, eh?

AMY: Yours!??

SALLY: Yeah! Move it, Pinky!

AMY: How DARE you call me that!

SONIC: Huh?

SALLY: You moo-cow!

[They do battle once more.]

SONIC: "Moo-cow"?

[Pan to the right where Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are.]

OBSERVER: Reason number two: They're attracted to stupid people, spreading the gene further.

PEARL: Yeah, the last thing I wanna see is girls going ga-ga over you.

BOBO: Hm... reasonable enough.

[Commercials]

[All enter]

Chaos Race Part 5: Red

TOM: [Singing in a rich voice]
The blood of angry men!
Black - the dark of ages past!

Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi

MIKE: Produced by: Two guys and a computer

TOM: Catered by: These guys' moms

[Legal disclaimer:

This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications,

CROW: So stop snickering already!

Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely distribute this story, so long as:

a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who distributes the story, and

TOM: Does that mean I could trade the story for a Pentium II?

MIKE: I think so.

TOM: Cool.

b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.

In other words,

CROW: Bliggelty bloppelty snoogelty snop.

don't sell it, and don't alter it.

Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.]

******

Sally raced to the edge of Robotropolis with Amy in tow,

TOM: Amy shouldn't have parked in a tow-away zone.

toward the area where they expected to find the red Chaos Emerald. As she ran, she secured the purple Chaos Emerald with a strap on the inside of her vest. "Nicole, can you locate the emerald yet?"

CROW: [Nicole] AFFIRMATIVE. IT IS SECURED WITH A STRAP ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR VEST.

"AFFIRMATIVE, SALLY. ACCORDING TO MY SENSOR READINGS, THE EMERALD HAS LANDED SOMEWHERE IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE."

TOM: Do the anthropomorphic pixels know they're in the Forbidden Zone?

"Forbidden Zone? That doesn't sound so good," Amy interrupted. "Why is it called that?"

CROW: Maybe because it's forbidden?

The squirrel finished positioning the gem, snapped the strap shut, and gestured with her free hand. "Because this place is full of bad magics.

TOM: Thank you, Leela.

No one knows why, but long ago, several mages staked out their own territories in here, and altered the land to conform to their wishes.

MIKE: But since that's the plot of a Mage fan fic, we'll move on.

Mobotropolis was founded, in part, by refugees from this place. Those who cast the spells made everything they saw do as they wanted. For the others, however, it was intolerable at times."

CROW: Sigfried and Roy kept showing up.

"Kinda like what Robotnik did with his roboticizer?"

"I guess it was.

MIKE: Maybe...well, no.

I never thought of it that way before. There are paths between the zones, if you know which landmarks to follow." Sally stopped and pointed to a faintly glowing line on the ground.

TOM: "Forbidden Zone This Way. You must be this tall to be forbidden."

"This must be where it starts. The zone's borders were marked for all time by its magic."

"Wait, there's a sign." Amy pointed to a wooden plank, which had long since fallen from its rotted post. "I can't read it."

CROW: Maybe you should flip it over? The writing's on the other side.

"Let me."

MIKE: You're holding it upside-down.

Sally's minicomputer was in her hand before Amy could blink. "Nicole: translate."

TOM: [Nicole] It says "Eat at Joe's."

"WORKING...WARNING: FILES FOR THIS LANGUAGE INCOMPLETE. TRANSLATION WILL BE OF INFERIOR QUALITY."

MIKE: [Sally] Damn Windows 95.

"Incomplete files?" Amy regarded Nicole quizically. "I thought it had complete files on everything it was programmed with."

CROW: Are you casting doubt on my magic plot advancer?

Sally grimaced. "It usually does. But some of the ancient languages are so old that the knowledge was partially lost over the time. Nicole, give us your 'inferior' translation."

TOM: "TWAS BRILLIG, AND THE SLITHY TROVES..."

"'YOU ARE ENTERING A ZONE OF JUSTICE.

MIKE: NOT OF SIGHT AND SOUND...

YOU MIGHT HARM YOURSELF.'"

"Huh." Amy pondered for a few seconds. "That doesn't sound like a warm welcome."

CROW: It took her a few seconds to figure that out?

Sally looked around, seeing ruins and orange, cracked dirt all around.

MIKE: Look at that. We're walking on the surface of a giant cantaloupe.

"We'll find out soon enough, I guess. Right now, let's get what we came for. Hold on." She picked up Amy and took off.

Nearby, a creature stepped from the shadows.

TOM: WHO RANG THAT BELL?

CROW: There is no bell.

TOM: Oh. Uh...bye, then.

"So, the thieves have arrived. But I will get back what is rightfully mine!" It glanced after the females, then sped away.

CROW: No maniacal laughter?

******

The duo followed Nicole's directions

TOM: "Leftish."

to an ancient structure. Most of the building had deteriorated over time, leaving only the exterior walls intact. Even those walls were in poor shape; the only remaining decoration was an engraving of some scales over the main doorway.

MIKE: "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night...hey!"

Whatever its function had once been, the edifice's interior now served only as a container for a jumble of tall weeds.

TOM: Hmmm, a building with scales in the zone of justice. Could it be a courthouse?

"I don't get it. The emerald crashed right here." Sally puzzled over an emerald-shaped hole in the ground.

CROW: Hey, no, don't tip me over I'll fall iiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnn!

"Packbell's robots aren't here yet, so who could have taken it?"

MIKE: Like there's nobody else on Mobius who would want the Godlike powers conferred by a Chaos Emerald.

"Packbell isn't coming, I'm afraid. Hehehehehe," a snivelling voice sounded from behind them, making them turn around. Hidden in the shadows at the far corner of the building were five SWATbots and a cloaked figure,

TOM: And Jooooe.

standing in front of a hoverbot. They moved into the light as the pair turned.

"That voice...

CROW: Guest appearance by Rocket J. Squirrel.

who are you?" Sally yelled across the field while putting her computer back on its boot sheath.

"Has it really been that long, Princess? Then allow me to introduce myself again. I am Snively..." The figure tossed aside its cloak with a flourish, revealing the face of Robotnik's lackey. "...the Great!"

Sally and Amy gasped in unison.

TOM: You have got to be joking.

"But you're dead," Sally protested.

CROW: [British] I got better.

"Rumors of my demise have been exaggerated, for all our sakes.

MIKE: Well, in Snively's case, just because of the glee it gave everyone.

You got to focus

TOM: "... then click the shutter"

on Packbell, Packbell got to focus on you, and I got to crawl around a city I helped create, hiding for my very life!" Snively's voice had picked up a tone of hatred that only Robotnik's had had. "Oh, yes, we all came off the better."

CROW: Oh yes.

MIKE: Yup.

TOM: Glad we're all in agreement with that.

Sally folded her arms. "And just what part of Mobitropolis did you build?"

MIKE: [Snively] Well, I changed a light bulb once. Doesn't that count?

"Only its demise. I was talking about

CROW: Shaft!

Robotropolis. With Robotnik gone, that should have been MY city.

MIKE: I called dibs!

But nooo...Packbell's AI had to malfunction, forcing me to play dead."

"Malfunction? Looks like he just took over."

"He was supposed to be subservient to me, not just to Robotnik.

TOM: But once we got put in gym class together he couldn't stop giving me wedgies.

He never did follow my orders, though, unless I convinced him of my reasons."

MIKE: Wow, intelligent artificial intelligence. What a concept.

"Gee," Amy giggled, "that doesn't sound like a robot. Mr. Packbell must be a person."

Snively frowned. "Enough of this.

TOM: Now are you gonna gimme the emerald or do hafta whine endlessly some more?

I'm here for the emerald. I'd rather take you alive for roboticization, but if I have to destroy such potentially useful workerbots..." Snively sighed. "...so be it. Now hand it over!"

"But we don't have the red emerald."

MIKE: "We only have the purp--MRRPH! Sally, why can't we tell him we have--AWK!"

"I can see that, you fools. I'm talking about the one you've already 'liberated'."

CROW: Now the emeralds want equality, too.

Sally drew her vest tighter,

TOM: Say...

protectively guarding the purple gem inside. "The Chaos Emeralds are no good apart."

MIKE: Except back there where we saw them giving that packrat super-speed and the deroboticizer power.

"That's not your concern, princess. And since you don't seem willing to give me what I want..." Snively snapped his fingers. "SWATbot KP7672,

CROW: Isn't that Ken Penders' AOL address?

step forward!"

One of the SWATbots stepped out of the group and aimed its laser at Sally.

"I've upgraded this robot's circuitry." Snively grinned evilly.

TOM: Now it'll screw up twice as fast!

"If you move, it will fire, and it will hit you with its first shot.

MIKE: Yeah.

TOM: Right.

CROW: Sure.

You may be able to run almost as fast as Sonic now, but even he can't outrun a laser beam.

TOM: The eternal conflict: Real physics versus Cartoon physics.

There is nothing you can do except let me take the gem."

MIKE: Snively continued to taunt them with "Nanny-nanny, poo-poo."

"We'll just see about that." Sally dashed to the side, but the SWATbot fired before she could budge more than an inch. The last thing she saw before darkness consumed her was a beam of white light, which hit her directly between the eyes.

******

CROW: All six of them.

"Yo, Red, I'm back. It's time to go."

TOM: PimpBot pays another visit to Conan O'Brien.

The red Chaos Emerald rose into the air, circled for a bit,

CROW: Got dizzy, vomited, and fell back down.

then flew towards its caller.

"I will not give you up, Red. And Purple shall also leave this place with us."

TOM: Is he talking about the gem like it's a sentient object?

He sighed.

MIKE: By the way, we're an interesting new perspective that's been carefully hidden from the story until now.

"I never thought she would stoop to this, but the years, they have changed her."

CROW: The nerve of her saying the Backstreet Boys are better than Hanson!

The gem stumbled in its flight, then sent a note of distress to its master.

"What?

TOM: "I think he's trying to tell me something! What is it, boy?"

Purple be in trouble?" He clenched his fists, baring the spiked knuckles for which the Chaos Emeralds' guardian was named.

MIKE: Spike.

******

Amy could only stare in horror as Sally collapsed. At the same moment,

TOM: Somewhere, a bird chirped.

the firing robot's head exploded.

CROW: Relative of yours, Tom?

"Wha-" Snively backpedalled to avoid the falling robot body. "Seems like Packbell doesn't build SWATbots as well as I did."

TOM: So the policy of randomly blasting the ones that show any sign of motivation doesn't work?

He looked at the heap of scrap metal.

"What are you trying to do, Snively, insult us?" Amy shouted defiantly, "If you're going to stop us, the least you could do would be to scrap your defective 'bots."

MIKE: The year 2000 bug really hit Mobius hard.

She reached for her weapon, but stopped when the remaining SWATbots all trained their lasers on her.

"Do it and fry, hedgehog," Snively sneered as he stepped towards Sally's limp body. "I'll take that emerald..."

CROW: And while she's unconscious, I'd might as well-

"No you won't!"

CROW: Darn.

A red blur dashed in, seemingly from nowhere, and headed straight for Snively.

TOM: The red emerald talks?

"Knuckles!" Amy shouted with joy.

MIKE: Wrists! Earlobes! Teeth!

Knuckles' fist was positioned as a battering ram, and his lead him directly to Snively and the SWATbots. Snively could not get out of Knuckles' way, so he ducked.

CROW: He couldn't get out of the way, so he gets out of the way.

Fortunately for him, Knuckles tripped over Snively, slamming the echnida to the ground.

At the same moment, an unseen force knocked Snively down.

TOM: Harvey the Rabbit: Hitman.

Knuckles quickly got up. "Ha! Didn't feel a thing."

MIKE: I only landed on my head.

He turned around, and knelt by the would-be dictator. "Hey, ain't you s'posed to be dead, mon? Don' worry, Knuckles'll fix that." He raised his arm, then brought it down like a jackhammer.

Knuckles' eyes rolled up, and his body toppled over unconcious.

TOM: "Aw, man, I had too much Chinese..."

******

In all the confusion, Amy had managed to grab Nicole, which had slipped from Sally's boot as she fell.

MIKE: Slipped out of the secured, accident-proof container.

CROW: Again.

Something was wrong here, and she had to find an explanation for this.

"Nicole, do you have any information about a 'Zone of Justice'?"

TOM: Well, Superman and Wonder Woman were hanging around earlier...I know Aquaman was really hot on the concept.

"USER UNKNOWN. PLEASE STATE IDENTITY."

MIKE: PLEASE RE-TYPE PASSWORD.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess I haven't spoken to you before. I am Amy Rose, but you can just call me Amy."

CROW: But my friends call me Skip.

"SEARCHING...RECORD FOUND." A miniature hologram of Amy appeared above Nicole. "NAME: AMY ROSE. STATUS: FREEDOM FIGHTER. ALIAS: ROSY THE

TOM: Riveter?

RASCAL."

"'Rascal'?" Amy blushed. "Sonic told you, didn't he?"

"AFFIRMATIVE.

CROW: HE SAID YOU WERE A PSYCHO BITCH AND SHOULD BE SHOT ON SIGHT.

SONIC HEDGEHOG CREATED FILE ON AMY ROSE. IDENTITY CONFIRMED. SECURITY PERMISSIONS ALLOW UNRESTRICTED USE OF THIS DEVICE."

TOM: Maybe she'll find a way to screw up even more.

"Good. Now, do you have any information for me?"

MIKE: Uh...no. Sorry.

"AFFIRMATIVE, AMY. ACCORDING TO THE LEGENDS, THE MAGES WHO CREATED THIS ZONE MADE IT TO BE A PLACE OF PEACE, WHERE NO ONE COULD BE WRONGED."

CROW: Those foul mages!

TOM: You can see why they were exiled from normal society, huh?

"A zone of peace, huh?" Amy thought out loud. "And a sign that you might harm yourself..." There was only one way to find out.

MIKE: Put on a chicken suit and do The Hustle.

Turning to the SWATbots, she yelled, "Hey, SWATbots, now that your leader's out of it, why don't you just put down your guns?"

"YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO GIVE ORDERS, FREEDOM FIGHTER."

CROW: WE ARE PROGRAMMED TO SHOOT ALL FREEDOM FIGHTERS ON SIGHT... UM... IT'S OUR UNION BREAK NOW, APPARENTLY.

Amy took a deep breath. "Ok, you asked for it." In a flash, Amy pulled out her arrow gun and pointed it at the closest SWATbot, ready to shoot.

MIKE: This will cover you with shaving cream.

She was hit by several laser blasts, followed by some nearby explosions.

TOM: The Power Rangers had obviously returned from space.

CROW: Yes! Amy bites the dust!

The pink hedgehog opened her eyes again. She was not hurt.

CROW: They never die, do they? NEVER NEVER NEVER!

MIKE: Take a deep breath, Crow. It's going to be all right.

But the SWATbots were all lying on the ground, totally destroyed. "Phew. Thought so." Amy sighed, looking at the smoking remains of the robots.

TOM: Smoking is injurious to health.

Snively tried to get to his feet, but slipped and fell down again.

MIKE: This guy couldn't intimidate moss.

"You haven't seen the last of me," he announced with a weak voice.

CROW: We haven't seen the first of him.

"Hoverbot, initiate evacuation protocol!"

The hoverbot extended a claw from a recessed compartment, accelerated,

TOM: And ran over him.

picked up Snively as it passed, and sped off.

Amy smirked as she walked over to the red emerald, which had followed Knuckles like a stray puppy.

CROW: But aren't all puppies sentient on this planet?

TOM: We apparently have opposing views on what "sentient" means.

She reached out to take it, only to have Knuckles' hand snap up and grab her wrist.

"Don' even tink about it." Knuckles sat up, rubbing his head.

MIKE: The Denorex side tingles...

"Mon, what happened? I feel like I punched myself."

"You did. That's what the Justice Zone's magic is:

TOM: Confusing and ill-considered.

if you hurt anyone else, you just wind up hurting yourself. When you tripped, Snively was knocked out. When the SWATbots fired, they damaged themselves."

CROW: So what happens if you commit suicide in this zone?

MIKE: Uh... hm...

"Then what happened to Sally?"

"She thought she was dead. I guess she fainted from shock."

"She may be after I get through with her.

TOM: She may be fainted? She already is!

Nobody steals my emeralds and gets away with it."

CROW: Tell that to the other subplots.

"What are you talking about? We didn't steal any emeralds."

MIKE: And we didn't steal no bike neither!

"Oh, yeah?" Knuckles turned Sally over, letting her vest fall open

CROW: Ooooo.

to show

CROW: Uh-huh?

the purple gem.

CROW: Drat.

"Then what's that doing there?"

TOM: Uh...nesting for the winter?

"We were trying to get the emeralds back to the Floating Island."

"Oh." He was temporarily nonplussed, but soon recovered.

MIKE: System error. Restart or cancel?

"Forget it. I'll get the gems back by myself. If it hadn't been for you, the Chaos Emeralds never would've left my island. I don't need you to keep messing things up." Knuckles sighed as he checked Sally for damage. "Should've known she'd never steal."

CROW: But I didn't, anyway.

"You two know each other?"

"Kind of. She spent a summer on my island, once."

TOM: We had fun, we had joy, we had seasons in the sun.

Finding no injury, Knuckles removed the emerald from Sally's vest,

CROW: Whoops. Sorry. Didn't mean to cop a feel there.

touched it to the red one, and watched them hover together as if attached by a steel rod.

TOM: Why a steel rod? Why not a plastic rod, or an aluminum rod or a wooden one?

He knelt to pick up Sally. "C'mon, this zone gives me the creeps."

CROW: [Knuckles] And I need to see where I left my accent.

******

Sally abruptly started crying as soon as Knuckles carried across the border. "Nooo...S-sonic, I never got a chance to say goodbye..." Her eyelids were shut tight, and nothing below her mouth visibly moved.

MIKE: So she became a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.

"One of us should wake her up."

TOM: Somebody in this story should do something without warning us about it first.

CROW: Yup.

Knuckles placed his hand under Sally's head. "Salllly...c'mon, princess, you don' wanna sleep forever."

MIKE: [Sally] I'm not sleeping, I'm dead you idiot!

"Huh?" Sally's eyes fluttered open. "Knuckles? Wha...what happened?"

"Well, you -" Knuckles' statement was cut off when Sally liplocked him.

CROW: Good point. Let's not talk.

Amy looked back just in time to see this. "One summer?"

Knuckles, unable to speak and unwilling to move his head, gave Amy one thumb up.

TOM: Tasty and nutritious.

CROW: He didn't see what she gave him in response.

Amy's fury was plainly visible. "First she tried to have Sonic all to herself, and now Sonic isn't even the only one she was after! How could she? How long's she known Sonic? A month?" Amy stormed off.

MIKE: And nobody realized she was gone forever for months.

Sally broke off too late to see Amy. "Who was that?"

TOM: Maybe the other person in the story at this point.

"Some crazy girl. Why'd you kiss me?"

CROW: Mon.

"I'm never going to see Sonic again, but you're here. I guess it was fate..."

TOM: Even though you're nothing like Sonic I'll kiss you instead.

"What, did Sonic leave you?"

MIKE: Mon.

"We're dead..."

TOM: "Sonic's gonna kill us when he finds out about this."

"No, we're not."

CROW: Mon.

Knuckles grinned. "You only tink you be dead."

CROW: Mon mon mon.

Sally gasped, and looked around. "You...but I...how

MIKE: Huh... what... who... what-what-what... duh... huh...

could I have survived that?"

"You be tougher than you think.

TOM: Mon.

So, what were you doing with my emerald?"

MIKE: Mon?

Sally patted her vest where she had hidden the purple gem, then saw the object of her search floating behind Knuckles. "I was trying to get it back to you."

"That'd be much faster if I came along, no?"

CROW: Depends how much time you spend making nookie, doesn't it?

"We thought Packbell had already taken you out, with his missles."

"Ha!

ALL: WAUGH!

Ain' no robot gonna get the better o' me! 'Specially not the Tinker Toy In Chief. C'mon, let's get the other emeralds."

CROW: Not since Tom Sawyer has an accent been so cleverly described in text.

Sally reached to her boot. "Ok, just - WHAT?!?" She stared in near shock at her empty boot sheath. "Omigod, where's Nicole?"

TOM: [Knuckles] Girl, you named your computer? You be crazier dan I thought.

"That computer o' yours? I saw Amy walking off wit' it."

MIKE: Mon.

"I can't find the emeralds without her. Which way did Amy go?"

Knuckles pointed, and quickly lifted Sally from the ground to prevent her from giving chase. "Why's Amy so 'portent?"

TOM: Mon.

"Not Amy, Nicole.

MIKE: [Knuckles] My name's not Nicole.

She's got a map of the Chaos Emeralds' crash sites."

"You be 'ferring to yo' computer as a 'she'?" Knuckles shook his head. "C'mon,

CROW: Are you taking me to the big place?

TOM: Yes, Sally, you'll love it at the big place.

I'm taking you home. Blue and Yellow are already on their way back to the Floating Island.

MIKE: They always keep a twenty in their socks in case they need to call a cab.

Amy's gonna get Pink, and..." He massaged his forehead.

CROW: Ohhh, YES! I'm a miracle worker.

"I can't sense Green or Grey."

"How do you know Amy will beat Packbell to the Pink emerald? And how will she get it back in time?

TOM: Find out next time! Same Hedgehog Time, same Hedgehog Channel!

She can't run as fast as we can."

Knuckles grinned. "'Cause I already trashed the 'bots that were headed for it.

CROW: Duh-huh! Me smart!

Trust me, girl, Amy's gonna do just fine. With all the magic in the Forbidden Zone, she may even beat us back to Knothole."

TOM: Or she may be turned into a green, two-headed mutant. Never know...

"That's why we've got to stop her. She could stumble into something dangerous, and..." Sally struggled against Knuckles' grasp, but could do nothing.

"Don' worry. From what I've seen of her, she'll be alright."

MIKE: A little helplessness is good for a brat.

[All leave]

Knuckles sped off for Knothole, still carrying Sally.

[...safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk]

[Very elaborate Christmas decorations surround the bridge. A eighty piece orchestra is playing a little prologue to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" very enthusiastically. Mike and all the robots rush on screen with caroler get-ups. They sing:]

MIKE: The last hour 'fore Knothole was crushed, my acquaintance gave to me,

ALL: 12 SWATbots marching,
11 screwed-up planes,
10 Robotniks screaming,
9 Snivelys cowering,
8 maids a-milking,
7 plot contrivances,
6 Chaotix members,

GYPSY: 5 Power Rings,

ALL: 4 silly names,
3 is a magic number,
2 of Tails's tails,
And a Chaos Emerald!

[The music wraps up and everyone speaks rather than sings.]

MIKE: [In an enthusiastic "Whaddaya think?" sense] Huh? Huh?

CROW: ...Who the hell wrote this sketch?

[Mobius. The dust cloud is still present with fighting sounds. Sonic sits there a bit bored.]

SONIC: Uh... hm... girls?... Girls?... Hm... [Walks away.]

[Fighting continues. Amy's head suddenly pops out of the cloud of dust.]

AMY: Uh, Sal? Our hunk just dumped us.

[The dust clears, revealing that Sally hadn't been there at all.]

AMY: Wha-huh?! [Looks left as the camera pans over to Sally sitting on a stump.] You were there the whole time?

SALLY: Well, most of it. My back got sore. I needed a chuckle.

AMY: Ohhhh... I feel like a moron.

SALLY: Well, you are. But before you murder me, lemme explain why; you're fighting for something you know will never work out in the end. Unless some self-insertion guy comes in to steal my heart with Sonic oddly not minding, my love is always his. You're a minor character that's lucky enough to not represent an author.

AMY: Even though you shot me thinking I was.

SALLY: Sonic did, actually.

AMY: Oh yeah... I've been fighting for the love of someone that tried to wipe out my organic existence. Thanks, Sally. You are a true friend... Aside from being a bitch and all.

SALLY: Oh, you!

[They both laugh among themselves as we pan right to Pearl, Observer, and Bobo.]

BOBO: Hm, they managed to settle their differences, give an intelligent speech, and keep this so-called gene from spreading. I guess this means we can stay?

PEARL: Um...

BOBO: Ha ha! I beat you! Ha ha ha ha!

PEARL: Brain Guy?

OBSERVER: Yup. [Observer clubs Bobo with a baseball bat. Bobo falls down unconscious.]

OBSERVER: Hm... I suppose I'll be the one stuck dragging him to the van.

PEARL: Yeah. My back and all.

OBSERVER: Yeah... Jeez! [Throws down the bat and attempts rather shakily to drag Bobo by the head-fur.]

PEARL: And it's back into the thee-ay-ter with you, Nelson. But first, a word from our sponsor.

[Commercials]

[All enter]

Chaos Race

Part 6: Green

MIKE: Well, finally. An emerald colored emerald.

Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi

[Legal disclaimer:

This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone.

TOM: So don't blame us.

Permission is granted to freely distribute this story, so long as:

a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who distributes the story,

CROW: That means you, Phil.

and

b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.

TOM: So that would be before the spell checking, proofreading, and editing?

In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.

Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.]

**

MIKE: Plus...

*

MIKE: ...Equals...

***

In the long swath of jagged peaks known only as the Dark Mountains,

CROW: Wow. They aren't the "Great Mountains." This is starting on the right foot!

MIKE: D'oh!

TOM: Crow! Now you cursed it!

CROW: ...Heh...whoops.

one peak seemed to be missing. Its corresponding mountain thrust up from the earth, only to suddenly level off halfway up.

MIKE: The Plateau of Wile E. Coyote.

A miniature mountain rose in the plateau's center, as if whatever force had deprived the mountain of most of its top had left the tip behind. The area was now devoid of life, although a road winding up the peak to an observatory on its top indicated that someone had once lived there.

TOM: Oh, that's the evil scientist who used the super-magnet to try to beat Superman.

The many machines in the observatory, most rendered nonfunctional by time, bore silent testimony to the resident's vile nature.

CROW: So machines are inherently evil?

TOM: I knew it! This story was actually written by the Unabomber!

A statue had once identified this person, but the edifice had long since rusted and collapsed into an unrecognizable pile. Only an inscription on the statue's pedestal still bore its maker's name: Ivo Robotnik.

MIKE: Look upon his works, all ye mighty, and despair.

This observatory had once been Robotnik's favorite hideaway, where he plotted his takeover of Mobius when he could not use Robotropolis, but it was now deserted.

CROW: Obviously, Robotnik didn't adequately fund the historical societies once he took over.

The area might have been left to sleep forever, a forgotten footnote in Mobian history, if not a certain green meteor had shattered its slumber.

TOM: Chaos Emerald, or fanboy being brought into the Sonic universe?

******

Inside the observatory, a capsule large enough to hold a small Mobian

CROW: Or a large sectoid.

hummed to life, as did the building's main computer. The capsule opened with a hiss, to reveal a robot that looked as if, at one time, it had been intended to resemble a monkey.

MIKE: Now it was intended to resemble an antelope, but it still looked a lot like a monkey.

Most of its skin was metal, and a light bulb protruded from its skull. The robot opened his eyes, which seemed to gleam with evil intelligence, and looked around the dark room, confused.

TOM: Hey, this isn't Robotnik's observatory! It's Dexter's Laboratory!

"Good afternoon, Coconuts," a snivelling voice greeted him from the darkness.

CROW: If it's snivelling, it's Snively!

Coco replied out of habit, in case whatever had activated his capsule was listening. "Good afternoon. What does Robotnik want?" He looked around. "And why are the lights out?"

TOM: ["Snivelling voice"] Shh, we're throwing Robotnik a surprise party.

"I'm afraid that Robotnik is not here anymore.

MIKE: He moved to New Jersey, the root of all evil.

He left this place long ago," the voice replied.

"He left?" Coco jumped to his feet and slowly paced arond, waving his arms in the air desperately.

CROW: Suddenly, Mighty the Armadillo seems like a sober, reasoned character to drop in.

"Oh, I *knew* that something like this would happen! Robotnik never tells me anything. He only orders me to cleaning duty all the time!

TOM: And then keeps my banana tied to the ceiling next to some crates.

No one bothers to tell me what's going on!" He ran a finger through the inches of dust that had collected on the capsule's outside. "And look at this mess!

MIKE: I can't leave you kids alone for a minute!

It will take days to clean it up again." He stopped, squinting into the darkness. "Who are you, anyway?"

CROW: He's snivelling, so he's obviously Snively! No wonder Robotnik could never kill Sonic, with help like that...

A cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows.

TOM: [deep breathing] "I am your father."

"I am Robotnik's nephew, and first in the line of command." He stretched his body, trying to appear taller than he was. "My name is Snively - the Great!"

CROW: "No, seriously. Who are you?"

"So why did you activate me?"

MIKE: We were out of good ideas.

"Robotnik sent me on a very important mission. He needs the green Chaos Emerald that has crashed into this building a short while ago. Unfortunately, I lost all my SWATbots in an earlier encounter with some Freedom Fighters, so I need all the help I can get."

CROW: He only managed to scrounge up six SWATbots? He might as well give up now.

Coco pondered for a moment.

TOM: "Hm... I sure am coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs..."

"Ok, then let's get Scratch and Grounder.

MIKE: Hmm, baseball names.

They can help, too."

"Good. If we find the gem in time, I'm sure that Robotnik won't order you to do cleaning duties ever again!"

TOM: Seeing as how he's dead, and we mean it.

"No cleaning duty anymore? That's great! Finally he will realize my true value!

CROW: Someday, he'll be promoted to be Dilbert's co-worker.

Let's go!"

"In fact, Robotnik won't give orders to *anyone* ever again," Snively thought to himself,

MIKE: "Hey, I heard that!"

TOM: "Oorg! I keep forgetting to not think out loud!"

grinning evilly, while following the robot monkey upstairs.

MIKE: Robot monkey janitors battle chaos emerald seeking echidnas.

CROW: Suddenly I miss the evil purple robotic ferrets from space.

******

In a small attic near the building's top, a rat's nest of wires had been arranged to look like a nest.

TOM: How... convenient.

CROW: I was expecting it to look like a coffee-cup.

Inside the nest was a large, metal egg, with a prominent crack around its midline. A few of the wires had fallen apart over time; one of the larger ones sparked at its severed end.

MIKE: This is not the way to make people confident in microwave ovens.

It was here that Coco headed first.

TOM: "Hope you don't mind; I keep the car keys up here."

Carefully avoiding the live wire, he grabbed the egg's top and pulled. The egg popped open, revealing a robot that looked like a giant chicken.

MIKE: Coming in...5..4..3..2..1. Yes. We have now been completely abandoned by God.

Unlike Coco, it had been enlongated vertically, almost as if it had been stretched like rubber.

TOM: Oh, one of those Rubik's Cube spinoff items.

The robochicken was sitting in a lotus position, blissfully unaware of its

CROW: ...impending role as a sandwich filling.

surroundings. Seeing no hope of putting the wires back into place, Coco grabbed the sparking wire and held it to the other robot's back.

"YE-HOW!" Scratch leapt to his feet in an instant.

MIKE: We've activated one of the Duke boys!

"I'm up! I'm up!" He looked around for his master, but saw only Coco and Snively.

Coco dropped the wire. "Hello, Stretch. It's been a while."

TOM: "Whatever happened to your line of toys, Mr. Armstrong?"

"That's Scratch, CocoNUTS. And don't do that again, or I'll tell Robotnik!"

"Robotnik is not here, but he sent his nephew." Coco pointed toward Snively.

CROW: [Scratch] You know, we could just rebel entirely.

"He needs us to find a missing Chaos Emerald. Come on, let's find Grounder."

Coco walked out of the room. Scratch followed, his face reflecting his mind's blankness.

MIKE: "I like french fries."

"Chaos Emerald?"

CROW: They would have been better off leaving him disabled.

******

A short mine shaft

TOM: Can ya dig it?

lead from the observatory's bottom to an underground cave.

CROW: The whole population of Kalgash is down there, hiding out from the eclipse.

The cave's only access to outside air was through the shaft,

TOM: Can ya dig it?

as evidenced by the change in atmospheric composition Coco and Scratch registered as they travelled. Had any living creatures accompanied them, they would have noticed a different smell.

The cave seemed to be littered with inverse stalactites and stalagmites.

MIKE: And other geology words.

Everywhere Scratch and Coco looked, cone shaped holes had been drilled into the walls.

CROW: Someone has clearly been mining the place for ice cream snacks.

Only four green objects broke up this landscape, three of which looked like they had probably caused the holes.

Coco picked up the smallest of the objects.

TOM: This. I'll use this to play Monopoly.

It was a cylinder, with a face that looked like it had been created out of spare parts: a drill bit for a nose,

MIKE: Like Pinnochio.

gauge-shaped cameras for eyes,

TOM: Like Mickey Mouse.

and a flexible metal mouth.

CROW: Like a coatumundi.

Coco grinned, held the robot head with both hands and started to shake. A hard *clunk* was heard from inside the head.

"Hey, stop it. You're making me dizzy," the head spoke.

"'Lo, Grounder.

TOM: I thought grounders were low by definition.

Pull yourself together. We've got work to do."

"Oh, ok." One of the other parts, a rounded box on treads, started moving towards the head.

MIKE: Hey... wait... a robot shaped more or less like a bird...

CROW: Yes?

MIKE: ...a tubby one with no legs...

TOM: Uh-huh?

MIKE: ...created by one human, but are currently being commanded by a different one...

BOTS: So??

MIKE: ...Never mind.

The other two, which looked like arms with drills instead of hands, tunneled their way into the floor, shot up next to the box, and landed in sockets designed for them.

TOM: Oh, see, this is the part of engineering known as the "cool stuff" module.

The assembly retracted its arm drill bits, extended machanical hands where the drills had been, and grabbed the head piece from Coco, placing it on a socket in the body's top.

MIKE: Autobots! Transform and move out!

"Hey, something's wrong!" Grounder blinked at his behind for a moment, then removed the head again, turned it for 180 degrees,

CROW: And baked for 65 minutes until a toothpick inserted in center came out clean.

and placed it back on its socket. "There."

Snively made a face as if he had just bitten into a grapefruit.

MIKE: "Maybe I should've stayed dead."

"Oh well. I guess this will have to do," he sighed.

TOM: Wait! Snively's not in the mine shaft. He doesn't know about Grounder

yet!

"Now let's find that Chaos Emerald. We will start upstairs."

MIKE: In the Chaos Emerald room.

"Uh...what's a Chaos Emerald, again?" Grounder looked to Scratch with a blank expression on his face.

Scratch whispered something into Grounder's audio sensor.

TOM: "You're so sweet, Grounder, you're the only one who ever understood me, kiss me, please..."

******

The hoverbot Tails was piloting had taken him to the observatory faster than he could fly. He had tried to get some rest during the trip after setting the hoverbot to autopilot,

MIKE: Well, cruise control, anyway.

but it seemed that he had just dozed off when the proximity alarm woke him.

CROW: Then he discovered he'd flown around the planet seven times.

Below him, he could see the building that had once been Robotnik's base.

Tails smirked. "Piece of cake. I'll just land, find the emerald, and be off to Knothole faster than Sonic can eat a chilidog."

TOM: Chili dogs. Chili dogs. Is there any piece of incidental characterization other than lousy accents and chili dogs that anyone can use in a Sonic fanfic? Please? Anything at all?

He landed the hoverbot, got out, and entered the building.

Then everything went black.

CROW: Oop, animators ran out of money.

MIKE: Well I guess that plan didn't work.

******

Sinvely grinned as he rubbed his rifle where it had just hit the now-unconcious fox on the head.

TOM: He's rubbing with a wee bit too much enthusiasm.

"What's Tails doing here? Sonic can't be far behind," Coco deduced. "I'd better put him in the holding cell."

Snively motioned with his rifle. "No. Leave him in my custody.

CROW: I can screw it up way better than you.

You go search for that Chaos Emerald." "Are you sure? Wherever Tails goes, Sonic is sure to follow."

MIKE: I thought it was the other way around, wasn't it?

"Find that emerald fast, then, so I can get out of here before he shows up. Check out the area

CROW: Wh-

with the observatory's telescope,

CROW: -at?!

if you want to be sure no one followed him." With that, Snively lifted Tails up, and walked off.

TOM: "Now for our honeymoon."

******

"Go away, it's my turn now!" Scratch pushed Grounder away from the large telescope, then held his eye to the lense, trying to make something out.

MIKE: Take off the lens cap first!

"Hey, I wasn't finished yet," Grounder protested, pushing back.

TOM: Not since the Dinobots has the comic relief hurt so badly.

"I can spot Sonic much faster than you. You looked through this thing for ten minutes straight, without seeing anything." Scratch closed one eye, then put his other up to the telescope's viewer.

CROW: Oh, so that's how you use one of those things.

"Hmm...that's strange, everything looks green."

Coco, who had just walked in,

MIKE: Was still going coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.

needed a few seconds to fully contemplate this. "Green?"

TOM: "Who put Jello in the telescope?"

******

Tails woke with a headache, to find himself tied up on a chair.

MIKE: [Tails] Wow, that was one heck of a party last night...

"Oh no, not again," he wailed.

TOM: One.

"I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning.

TOM: Two.

This is just not my day..."

TOM: Three.

MIKE: What are you doing?

TOM: Counting the cliches.

"Ah, so you're awake!" Snively was holding a laser rifle, its buisiness end aimed at Tails' nose.

TOM: Four. Wow.

MIKE: At least he didn't wake up saying "Where-" or "Who am I?"

TOM: True.

"Snively? But you're dead."

CROW: I am? Well that would explain why my flesh is melting.

"Almost, but not quite. Now, where is he?"

"Who?"

MIKE: No, he's on first.

"Sonic. He'd never let you do this alone."

"He doesn't know I'm here. He's chasing down the other emeralds right now."

TOM: Boy, it's awfully nice of Tails to spill the beans so quickly, considering that Snively wouldn't kill him because he's more valuable as a hostage.

"Then who's your backup? Or did you sneak out of Knothole?"

"Antoine, but he chickened out."

CROW: Hey, heh heh, wh- heh... why did the Antoine cross the road? Heh heh!

MIKE: [Deadpan] I give up, Crow. Why?

CROW: Because... hehe... because- HAHAHAHAHAAA! Okay, okay, now wait. {Sigh} Okay. I'm better... Because he... {Snort} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Snively lowered his rifle. "Chickened out?

TOM: "We ought to team up to be a special all-coward force."

Let me guess, he's safeguarding the yellow emerald. I'd better recall that squad, then."

CROW: Yes, let's all recall them. Remember when they did that thing?

MIKE: Oh, yeah, they were a fun squad. That was really cool.

TOM: Yup. Nice recollection. Let's move on.

He spoke a few commands into a communicator, then turned back to Tails. "I am willing to make a deal with you, little fox. I'm going to let you go, if you don't tell Scratch, Grounder, or Coco what happened to Robotnik..."

CROW: [Snively] Here, let me tell you some more information that you can use against me.

******

Coco whistled a merry tune as he strode away from the telescope. The emerald had fallen down the telescope's shaft,

TOM: Can y-... wait...

breaking most of its lenses.

TOM: What are the odds of that?

CROW: It's a fanfic. Probability doesn't apply.

Coco now held the emerald, and was polishing it with a rag as he walked.

Scratch and Grounder were whispering as he approached.

MIKE: [Coco] Talking about me?

Coco held up the emerald. "When I bring this to Snively, he will make ME the leader of the Super Sonic Search and Squash Squad,

CROW: But I'm more of an asparagus guy, really.

so then you'll have to obey MY orders!"

MIKE: Uh, they already were.

"Well, then let us lead the way, great Coco." Scratch made an inviting gesture

CROW: Deh-

towards a door.

CROW: Jeez.

Coco proudly marched toward it.

ALL: Oh-ee-oh. Yo-ho...

"Uh, a person with such a high rank shouldn't carry things himself," Grounder objected. "I'll take that emerald for you."

"Oh, right." Coco handed over the emerald and walked through the door.

TOM: Hey, the elevator's brok-AAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!

No sooner had he passed through than Scratch slammed it shut behind him.

MIKE: Holy cow! I did not expect that!

"Hey, this isn't the way to Snively. It's a storage compartment," Coco's voice yelled from inside. "Let me out! Help!"

TOM: I'm allergic to quadrotriticale!

"Now WE will bring the emerald to Snively," Scratch yelled back. "And then WE will command YOU around!"

CROW: Commando squad, or first grade recess? You be the judge.

He laughed his trademark laugh.

TOM: Scratch's laugh, copyright 3229 Mobian.

"Yeah," Grounder affirmed as he put the emerald in a large storage compartment in his chest. "Now let's go find him."

******

"I don't make deals with evil people like you," Tails stated firmly.

MIKE: Only people with evil intentions like Cap.

"You'd just trick me anyway."

"No, honestly," Snively replied. "All I want is the green Chaos Emerald. Once I have it, I'll leave. Just don't tell anyone here what happened to Robotnik."

TOM: Let me keep repeating the weakness of my fragile authority, since you can't possibly use that to undermine me!

"Why?" Scratch preceeded Grounder through a door opposite from where Tails was ready to exit. "What happened?"

"He's dead."

MIKE: "Uh -- was that the part you didn't want me to tell?"

Tails turned his body to face the robots. "Didn't you hear?"

Scratch's lower jaw fell off and hit the floor. He bent over to pick it up, and snapped it back into place.

CROW: I guess that makes him SSSSSSSSSMOKIN'!

MIKE: No!

CROW: ...Sorry.

"D...dead?" Grounder slowly vibrated in place, then pointed a drill-tipped arm at Snively. "But you said Robotnik sent you!"

TOM: I...took a long time getting there.

"So I lied." Snively shrugged, then pointed his laser at the robots. "But I was first in command after Robotnik."

CROW: In the same way that Prince Charles will someday rule Great Britain.

"Oh, yeah?" Tails smirked. "Then how come Packbell's running Robotropolis?"

"Packbell?" Grounder kept his drill pointed at Snively.

"Your replacement."

Scratch looked from Snively to Tails. "Shouldn't we be taking orders from him, then? It sounds like Packbell was Robotnik's second, not Snively."

TOM: Wow, rational thought!

MIKE: Of course, this is information based off of an enemy that they haven't yet even attempted to verify.

Grounder opened his compartment, and brought out the gem. "Let's give it to Packbell. He'll know what to do with it."

CROW: He'll eat it! Packbell eats everything!

"No, I was his second! Packbell was subservient to me!" Snively was livid with rage.

TOM: You guys! [Sobbing] You're making this so hard!

"You will give the emerald to ME!" He grabbed for the gem, but Grounder rolled out of reach.

"Packbell will probably make us commanders when he gets the emerald," Scratch continued with glee.

MIKE: Or he'll blast you for the suggestion that you did well in retrieving the emerald.

Tails shook his head. "He wouldn't. Robotnik dumped you here because you always failed to capture Sonic, and now you think Packbell would act different?

CROW: Well, he is even dumber, keep that in mind.

You don't have the brains for commanding anything. You probably don't even know your own shutoff codes."

TOM: Oh, good grief.

CROW: Can we spank Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi?

MIKE: Yes.

"Sure we do," Grounder stated. "Sigma Octo Nova Ire Crisis..."

TOM: Isn't this the part of Sesame Street where they count up to 20 in Spanish?

"No, wa-" Scratch's interruption was itself interrupted, as both robots deactivated.

MIKE: I'd say "natural selection in action" but, heh, they're synthetic.

"Well done." Snively stepped toward Grounder's still open compartment and took the emerald. "Finally! It's mine! But, where's Coco?"

TOM: Yes, where is Coco? Why, let us find out, shall we?

******

TOM: We wish to discover what has become of Coco, and now... Coco:

Coco banged against the room's walls,

MIKE: Mommy?

but was unable to even dent them. The sealed compartment had been designed like an airlock, in order to store vapors and liquids whose capacity to escape far exceeded Coco's.

MIKE: Mommy I'm scared and in the dark place again!

The substances had long since been removed, as had the interior controls.

MIKE: Mommy, I called ollyolly oxenfree and they won't let me out!

Resigning himself to his fate, Coco plugged himself into a power outlet, and proceeded to wait for someone to free him.

CROW: Why would there be a power outlet in a holding tank for liquids and gases?

TOM: You got me.

******

Snively looked around, but saw no active robots.

CROW: Hey! Yo'!

TOM: [Whistles] Down here!

"Never mind. All that counts is the emerald."

Tails struggled. "Ok, looks like you have what you wanted. Now let me go."

Snively just grinned. "No. I'm sure you will be quite useful later."

MIKE: In Snively's defense, Tails did break the bargain they were trying to reach.

With that, he grabbed the tied fox by the scruff of his neck and carried him away.

"Hey, no fair!" Tails protested. "Help! Leggo!

TOM: My Eggo!

HELP!" Snively could barely keep a grip on the twisting kitsune.

CROW: Have to hope Child Services doesn't see this scene.

"Don't struggle. You're only making things worse for yourself."

TOM: Quick, Tails! Stop, drop, and roll!

MIKE: But he's not on fire.

TOM: Oh. Then quick, Tails, give up and die!

"Worse for you, you mean."

"I don't think you understand." Snively held his rifle up to Tails, so that the fox's nose almost entered the weapon's barrel. "Whether or not your body lives is your choice.

CROW: Whether your viability as a character endures is up to Archie comics.

Either way, it will come with me."

MIKE: Yeah, a dead Tails will make the perfect bait for a trap for Sonic!

Tails growled in reply.

******

When Snively piloted the only remaining functional hoverbot away, with a laser rifle, a Chaos Emerald, and Tails

TOM: ...Walked into a bar...

as his cargo, the observatory once again had nothing but time. A sudden blizzard mercifully covered the edifice's scars, leaving only the outline of a monument to a lost cause.

MIKE: Um... yeah... bye.

[All leave]

[Commercials]

[SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the counter.]

MIKE: So, what the hell was going on there?

TOM: Yeah. Crow? We don't do this often, but we're counting on your fanboy-ish-ness to explain this whole chapter to us.

CROW: It's simple, see? Sonic the Hedgehog managed to release TWO television series at the same time, one on Saturday morning and the other in a less successful syndication. In other words, we're READING A CROSSOVER!!

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

MIKE: God! Scary.

TOM: No, wait a minute. How can you seriously crossover what's basically the same show? Sure, it's different characters, but it's from the program of the same name!

CROW: See film Star Trek: Generations for answer.

TOM: Hmm...

CROW: See what I mean? You cannot crossover two versions of the same program successfully. No matter what you do with it, it cannot be done.

MIKE: What if spin-off characters return to the original show?

CROW: Nope.

TOM: There has to be some exception.

CROW: Absolutely not.

MIKE: I think you'll hafta be a wee bit more open-minded than that, Crow.

CROW: You'll just hafta face facts, guys; there's positively no way in Kentucky that a show can successfully crossover with itself.

[Gypsy rushes in.]

GYPSY: Mike! We're receiving a transmission from a UFO!

MIKE: Wow.

GYPSY: Not only that, but it identifies itself as the Satellite of Love!

MIKE: Huh?

MAGIC VOICE: Beaming in Joel, Crow, Gypsy, and Beeper.

[FWSSH! Said characters appear in their KTMA format.]

M&TB: Whoa!

KTMA JOEL: Hey there.

KTMA GYPSY: [Mumbles]

KTMA CROW: Hi.

BEEPER: Beep.

MIKE: Greetings.

GYPSY: Welcome.

CROW: Yeah, hi.

TOM: Beep... uh, I mean hello.

[All just stare at each other.]

MIKE: Soooooooo... how'd you get here?

KTMA JOEL: Cosmic rift.

MIKE: Ah...

[Silence]

KTMA GYPSY: [Mumbles]

KTMA JOEL: Guess we'd bet- better go.

GYPSY: Why?

KTMA JOEL: ........`Cause.

KTMA CROW: Bye.

BEEPER: Beep.

[FWEESH! The KTMA crew disappears. A beat of silence.]

CROW: There! See? I told ya!

TOM: Rub it in.

MIKE: [Phonetically] Oh gee what could be worse.

[Alarms]

MIKE: [Phonetically] Ah yes that would be it. Fanfic sign.

[Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...safe...]

[All enter]

Chaos Race

Part 7:

MIKE: Lucky us.

Pink

TOM: And the Brai.

Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi

[Legal disclaimer:

This story is based on characters created by

CROW: Magic elves.

SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely distribute this story,

MIKE: Which goes to show what a lax society we live in, these days.

so long as:

a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who distributes the story, and

TOM: Somebody explains what all those legal-type words mean.

b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.

In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.

Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.]

******

"That faithless, thieving, low-down...Princess!"

MIKE: Nasty words for Grace Kelly.

Amy was still grumbling to herself as she marched across the Forbidden zone,

CROW: [in a march cadence] Oh, after-this-part-and-the-others-before-there'll-only-be-one-em'rald-LEFT... LEFT... LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT...

unsucessfully trying to calm down. "Sonic deserves much better than her. Isn't that right, Nicole?"

Amy had left Sally's minicomputer on ever since she swiped it.

MIKE: So all the batteries were sucked out by the time Amy asked it something.

"COMMAND IMPOSSIBLE. MORAL JUDGEMENTS BEYOND PRESENT CAPABILITIES OF THIS DEVICE."

"Can you tell me who Sonic prefers?"

TOM: There's this little red-headed girl he knows...

"SONIC HEDGEHOG IN LOVE WITH SALLY ACORN."

"That's a lie! Sally just programmed you to say that."

"NEGATIVE. RESULTS OF INTRAPERSONAL DIAGNOSTIC CONFIRMED.

CROW: WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

DIAGNOSTIC INSTALLED WHEN THIS DEVICE WAS CREATED."

"And who installed it?"

MIKE: [Nicole] I dunno, the driver information files are corrupted.

"KING ACORN DIRECTED INITIAL SOFTWARE INSTALLATION."

CROW: He wanted Linux, but Sally forced him to install Nintendo!

"Huh. He probably altered it to say whatever Sally wanted to hear."

"PROBABILITY: LESS THAN 1 PERCENT."

"Yeah, sure, you wouldn't know." Amy caught herself, then was glad that Nicole did not care about her sarcasm. "So, where's the pink Chaos Emerald?"

TOM: [Nicole] I don't care.

The map that Nicole had displayed earlier appeared, zoomed in on the pink dot's location.

"How do I get there?"

MIKE: [Nicole] WALK.

Nicole projected a thick line along the ground for a short distance. As Amy followed it, the line dissapeared behind her and extended ahead.

With nothing better to do on her walk,

CROW: Like avoiding the booby traps...

Amy's thoughts turned to her memories...

******

TOM: Flashback! Kiss myself! Ha!

Amy had dreamt of Sonic many times, ever since she first heard of him. For weeks, almost all of her spare time was spent researching what little she could find about Sonic and his friends. The more she found out,

MIKE: ...the less she liked...

TOM: ...and the more it resembled a White House investigation.

the more Amy became determined to meet her new hero.

CROW: Found out everything except that he has a steady girlfriend.

Thus, it was no surprise that Amy was dreaming about the hedgehog when an explosion woke her.

TOM: [Amy] Sonic exploded!

Looking out her window, she saw Robotnik's robots trashing her village and capturing the residents.

CROW: [Amy] Santa did make my wish come true!

Before they could draw near, Amy leapt out the window and hid. Ducking from shadow to shadow, she snuck away from the attack, then ran off into a nearby forest.

MIKE: [SWATbot 1] Gee, George, I seem to have left my heat sensors at home.

TOM: [SWATbot 2] Yeah, me too.

MIKE: [SWATbot 1] Ya did? Uh-oh. Um, hey! Did anyone here remember their heat sensors?

BOTS: [Misc. SWATbots] No.

MIKE: [SWATbot 1] Oh, golly. The boss ain't gonna be none too pleased.

******

Hours later, Amy's panic subsided as the sounds of transports loaded with new workerbots faded away.

CROW: Just like old soldiers do.

The final, horror filled screams from the roboticizer still echoed in her mind. Finally in control of her thoughts again, Amy cried uncontrollably as she realized what had happened.

TOM: They roboticized the Easter bunny!

She knew that if Sonic had been there, the robots would never have gotten close to the village. Amy wished, with her heart and soul, that Sonic would come for her. But she knew that, given the vastness of Mobius,

MIKE: And her intrinsic lack of worth as an independent person.

and the fact that she was hiding at the moment, there was no way that Sonic would just run up to her from wherever he was.

Until he did.

TOM: So he didn't until he did.

CROW: Uh... yeah.

******

Amy did not recognize her hero at first; all she saw through her tear filled eyes was a blue blur.

MIKE: I thought he was always like that anyway.

When she finally blinked the tears away, her fear left with them.

CROW: Fear tears. Fear tears. Fear tears. Fear tears. Fear tears.

After a brief chat,

TOM: Which eventually turned into a flame war.

Amy directed Sonic back to her village. She had already seen the robots wreck the place, but the scorched, empty shells reminded her anew of what had happened. Sonic seemed to sense this,

CROW: "Hey, I was through this town a year ago, and I don't remember it being a burned out, post-apocalypic hulk...did something happen?"

since he asked Amy to stay behind. Amy agreed, but silently followed him anyway. She felt safer with him as close as possible.

MIKE: So she can't follow a clear direction for five minutes. Good addition to the Freedom Fighters here.

As it turned out, both of them were fortunate that she had come along. When Amy saw Sonic at a SWATbot's gunpoint, she leapt on the robot's head,

CROW: Isn't that what Ewoks do?

intending to bash it in.

MIKE: The robot laughed so hard it got a short circuit and was rendered helpless.

All she got for her efforts was a pair of sore fists, but her distraction allowed Sonic to attack.

TOM: Unfortunately, he missed Amy.

Amy was so happy to see Sonic unhurt that she gave him a kiss. Sonic's hug left no doubt in her mind of his feelings for her, even though they had just met.

MIKE: Sure, you can tell anything about a relationship from a hug.

CROW: "He feels amicably indifferent towards me!"

******

After touring the village, Sonic took Amy back to the forest. When night fell,

TOM: Sonic had to sweep the broken night under the rug and hope no one noticed.

they came to a relatively clear area. Doubting that they would find a better camp site any time soon, Sonic suggested that they sleep there.

CROW: And "sleep" they did.

"And..." Sonic shoved a spike into the ground,

TOM: Oh, is that what they call it now?

securing the last corner of the tent. "...there. All done."

Amy looked around, but only saw the black tent. "Huh? Isn't there anything else we have to set up?"

MIKE: [Amy] You still have to put on your Tarzan outfit.

"Nope. This tent's got all we'll need." He crawled inside.

CROW: Goo goo.

"Come on."

Amy was, at the time, short enough to just walk inside. The tent's interior was slightly less spartan than its exterior, but it still seemed lacking. "Where's the sleeping bags?"

TOM: In limbo, with your grammar.

CROW: [Sonic] We don't need any sleeping bags for what we're gonna do tonight.

"No need. There's an air matress in the floor.

MIKE: Air mattress. That's a real good design for a pair of hedgehogs, isn't it?

My unc designed this."

TOM: Unk?

CROW: Ugh. Groogy ukka blog.

He crawled back to the entrance, and zipped it shut. "This tent can keep the inside warm no matter what it's like outside, if there's a heat source in here.

TOM: Even if it's blazing hot outside, it'll be warm inside?

There's a panel that's been storing heat all day. I just need to switch it to release mode, and..." A click. "Oops, must've forgot to set it this morning."

MIKE: You can tell by the way it clicked.

Amy giggled. "Is that what that was? I fiddled with it while we were looking for survivors."

TOM: [Sonic] Oh great, I suppose you also threw out all those boxes labeled FOOD.

"Oh, great. Now it won't have any heat to store until tomorrow. How're we supposed to keep from freezing tonight?"

MIKE: Well, it is the eighteenth of July.

"We could snuggle." Amy walked over to Sonic and did just that.

"You little rascal...you shut it off on purpose, didn't you?"

CROW: You went through my backpack, picked out items you couldn't identify, and adjusted the controls of something you'd never seen before, just so we might be a little chilly this evening!

Although she could not see his face, Amy knew that Sonic was smiling. Sonic mussed up her head quills. "Hey, that would make a nice nickname for you.

MIKE: "Amy the nitwit who keeps screwing people up with her stupid, petty games."

'Rosy the Rascal'. You like it?"

Amy giggled again, and snuggled closer. Then she fell asleep in his arms.

******

TOM: Wait, so, the only person to ever call Amy 'Rosy the Rascal' was Sonic, and he includes it as one of the ten most important bits of information about her on their Master Computer File?

MIKE: Boy, permanent records cover everything on Mobius.

The next morning saw the two hedgehogs munching on fruit that Sonic had produced

CROW: Huh?!

from his backpack.

CROW: Oh.

"Gee, these are delicious," Amy said between mouthfuls. "Where did you find them?"

TOM: Vegetable aisle, next to the Gummi Worms stand.

"In the village ruins," Sonic replied while chewing.

MIKE: "Mff mmuffah mmmmf mph mm."

"Better that we have 'em than leave them to rot."

Amy looked up from her contemplation of a grape,

TOM: "Oh this poor grape! What did it do to deserve such a fate as to be eaten by me?"

a tear forming in her eye. The mentioning of her former home was all that was needed to bring the ugly memory up again.

Sonic started to stroke her head quills.

CROW: Ow! Ow! Owie! Ow! Owie! Owie! Ow! What was I thinking?

"Hey, don't cry.

MIKE: [Sonic] I didn't mean to bring up the subject of the excruciating destruction of everyone you knew and loved.

TOM: [Amy] WWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

MIKE: [Sonic] ...Oh, hell...

Everything will be alright." He reached into his backpack, then brought his hand forward to attach something to Amy's head.

CROW: Is he gonna implant a hamburg into her head?

"C'mon, smile for me. Or it'll ruin the whole picture." He handed her a mirror from his backpack.

MIKE: [Sonic] Here! Here's a shiny!

Amy reached up with one hand to smooth her quills, but stopped when she saw her reflection. Sonic had tied a pink ribbon around the quills on her forehead. "Oh, Sonic, it's beautiful. Thank you. I will always treasure it." She gave Sonic a hug, burying her face in his chest.

TOM: Jeez, why doesn't she just declare her undying love for him right now?

He squeezed her back,

MIKE: And toothpaste came out of her head.

then felt her tears moisten his skin.

"Sonic, will I ever see my family again?"

"Sure you will, someday."

CROW: "I mean, it stands to reason in that you aren't getting any younger."

He smiled. "I promise."

"Thank you." She looked up, not returning his smile, but at least her tears went away. "Seriously, can we do it?"

CROW: [Sonic] Sure, you can go see them right now. Just point this laser rifle at your head...

Sonic's smile dissapeared as he sighed. "Yes, but we're gonna need all the help we can get. You wanna help?"

Amy let Sonic go, knowing what he wanted to hear, and only too happy to say it. "Do I ever.

MIKE: [Sonic] Darn!

I will not rest until every workerbot has been freed from Robotnik's slavery. I swear..."

"Whoa, take it easy," Sonic smirked. "You need to get a bit older first, and more experienced.

TOM: But how's she going to get experience if she doesn't fight the badnasties?

Pounding SWATbots' heads usually doesn't work."

CROW: Except when she does it.

******

They picked their way through the forest, and then the Great Unknown, over the next few days. During their travel, Sonic found a pink ribbon and gave it to Amy. She swore that she would always treasure it as a reminder of him, even if they got seperated.

TOM: We just read this a screen ago. Give us a little credit - we have a longer attention span than that, don't we, guys?

CROW: Huh?

MIKE: I'm sorry, what'd you say?

Amy woke at dawn the next morning, to find herself in Sonic's arms.

CROW: She wondered how she got shrunk down to three inches tall, but figured she would have to make the best of it.

Although she was too groggy to see well, she could feel the wind of Sonic's transit.

TOM: I'll take 'phrases that sound dirty' for $400, please.

"What's going on?" she asked.

Sonic smiled at her. "Shh, we're almost there."

"Where?"

"Knothole, of course. That's where you're gonna live for now."

"Knothole?" Amy perked up at this,

MIKE: With Folger's in her cup.

rubbed the sleep from her eyes,

TOM: Call it what you want, but eye boogers are eye boogers.

and saw that she was in the Great Forest. "We're going to Knothole? You mean, I get to live with you there?"

"Well, I'm sure I could arrange for your hut to be next to mine, if you want."

"Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou." Amy snuggled closer to Sonic's chest.

CROW: She's like a reverse alien. She's trying to get into his chest all the time.

Sonic giggled. "I'll take that as a yes." He skidded to a halt. "And here we are."

Amy looked around, but saw only trees. "Where is it?"

MIKE: [Sonic] Well, we haven't actually built it yet. We're still collecting bids for an architect to design the place.

"This is one of the back doors." Sonic pulled on a vine, which caused a stump to open.

TOM: Rube Goldberg eat your heart out!

Amy looked into the hollow stump from Sonic's arms, and saw a hole leading into darkness. "It looks scary."

"Don't be afraid. You'll love it." Sonic jumped in.

Amy screamed and covered her eyes as they plunged onwards.

MIKE: [Sonic] Oh, wait, it was the other pit! AAAIIIIUUUGGGHHH!

Eventually, she felt a soft, but scratchy, pile stop her motion. She uncovered her eyes to see that she had landed in a haystack,

CROW: And she'd found her missing needle.

and that Sonic was no longer holding her.

The blue hedgehog was brushing hay off himself next to the stack when a squirrel with red hair, a vest, and boots marched up.

TOM: An entire planet of people who can't wear pants.

"Sonic! I heard everything from Robotnik's communications."

Amy cringed in sympathy for Sonic, expecting him to be punished for failing to save her village.

MIKE: But then she remembered he was a main character, and above all discipline.

But instead, Sally rushed up and brought her head to his, then hungrily kissed him.

TOM: [Chewing noises]

Amy could only stare in shock as Sally's kiss proceeded, and was returned by Sonic.

When Sonic came up for air,

CROW: They oughta invent the kiss snorkel.

Sally noticed Amy. She walked up to the newcomer

TOM: Oh no! Not that story again!

and extended her hand. "So, you must be the one who got away from Robotnik's squad. Nice job. My name's Sally. Yours is...?"

MIKE: [Amy] You boyfriend-stealing bitch!

TOM: [Sally] My, that's a weird name.

Amy snapped out of it, burrowed deeper into the haystack, and began to cry.

Sally looked to Sonic behind her. "Shy, isn't she?"

Sonic walked to the pile of hay, and brushed a few strands from Amy's face. "Hey, it's ok. She's cool."

Amy choked back her sobs. "No...no it isn't."

CROW: Amy's face puffed up as she choked for air and mentioned she was allergic to hay.

Sonic pulled Amy from the haystack, then lifted her head to his head's level. "What's the matter?"

"She kissed you."

TOM: [Sonic] Well duh.

******

What followed were worst weeks of Amy's life.

MIKE: Driver's Ed.

She tried to keep Sally away from Sonic, and was not surprised when Sally replied in kind.

When Sally finally confronted her, she ran away in tears. She knew that Sally could keep Sonic away from her as long as she tried,

TOM: All this fighting over an egotistical, self-centered nitwit whose only real power is that he's a blue clone of The Flash.

and that this would cause Sonic stress. There was no sense in possibly dooming Mobius over a love triangle, even if she was involved in it.

MIKE: RIGHT.

CROW: Yes.

TOM: Yet she still started this wretched crisis.

She knew that Sonic could beat Robotnik if he tried, and she knew that, if she and Sally kept fighting in front of him, he might get discouraged and give up.

TOM: What kind of logic is that? In these love/war stories, having one girl makes the male hero fight harder to keep her safe. Why wouldn't Sonic fight twice as hard if he had two girls?

Her justification grew even more elaborate over the years, keeping pace with her growing mind.

CROW: Right.

Then came the day that she heard of Robotnik's demise. She immediately struck out to find Knothole, only to realize that she had forgotten its location.

MIKE: And what her name was.

Amy might have spent months searching the Great Forest anyway, had she not happened upon Knuckles, and thus upon an easier way...

TOM: Suckering.

******

Amy's rememberance ended as the path abruptly stopped. "Nicole, where's the path?"

MIKE: [Nicole] SEGMENTATION FAULT AT MEMORY ADDRESS 3462674253227. PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE, OR CTRL-ALT-DEL TO REBOOT.

"CHAOS EMERALD WITHIN 5 METERS OF CURRENT LOCATION. PATH UNNECESSARY."

Amy looked around, but saw only grey rock. "Where is it?"

"You shall get what you want," a voice echoed from nowhere.

CROW: [Amy] That's nice, but where's the emerald?

"Who was that? Whoever you are, I want the pink Chaos Emerald!"

TOM: And a pony, too!

A pink mist billowed up in front of Amy.

MIKE: Is this like a Dungeons and Dragons thing?

"What the...Nicole, what's happening?"

"MAGICAL ENERGY DETECTED. SOURCE: UNKNOWN."

"Oh well...looks like there's only one way to find out." Amy walked into the mist.

CROW: And was turned inside-out.

After a few steps, she was entirely unable to see her surroundings.

TOM: [Amy] I CAN'T SEE!! I CAN'T S- Oh, I had my eyes closed.

"I could really get lost here. I wish Sonic were here to help me."

Almost instantly, Sonic appeared by her side. "Hey, Amy, you need help?"

"Sonic! I thought you were searching for the blue and grey emeralds."

"Got 'em. Sal told me you ditched her, so I thought I'd come give you a hand."

"Really?" Amy thought this sounded like an excuse.

"Well, don't tell anyone, but it was a great excuse

MIKE: [Amy] Boy, it's like you read my mind!

TOM: [Sonic] So, we were reading your mind...

to be with you, and not let Sally come between us."

MIKE: Crow, no jokes about three-ways.

CROW: Awww...

Amy smiled. "Hey, this is great!

TOM: This can't possibly be a delusion or a dream sequence!

I always wanted to have a few moments alone with you, and do all the things Sally usually does. Talking, snuggling, kissing..."

CROW: Tick-eating...

MIKE: Burrowing...

TOM: Snickering at the ferrets...

As if on command, Sonic swept her up and gave her a longer, deeper kiss than she had ever seen him give Sally.

CROW: Sonic's tongue started boxing Amy's uvula.

Amy was overjoyed. Part of her mind told her that something was wrong, but she did not care.

TOM: She always ignores the intelligent sector of her brain.

"Ha! Sonic is mine," she thought in triumph. "Sally can get run over by a hoverbot."

In the distance, Amy heard a scream, followed by a heavy *THUMP*.

"Huh? What was that?"

Sonic just shrugged.

They both ran towards the sound. Suddenly, Amy saw Sally in the mist ahead of her, underneath the largest hoverbot she had ever seen. The 'bot had obviously run over the squirrel, and was now slowly settling down on her spine.

MIKE: Obviously confusing 'squirrel' for 'Sealy Posture-pedic.'

"SALLY," Amy shouted, running up to her and trying to pull the lifeless body out from under the vehicle.

TOM: Always immediately move a seriously injured victim. Especially with spinal injuries.

Sally did not move.

Amy pushed against the hoverbot. "Sally! I won't let you die. Get off, you stupid piece of junk!" Then she saw Sonic, standing a few paces away, looking at the scene.

MIKE: [Sonic] Cool.

"Sonic! Aren't you going to help her?"

Sonic did not budge.

CROW: "Huh?"

"Isn't this what you wanted? Why should I help?"

"What's wrong with you?" Amy screamed, "I thought you would...you would...love her." She stopped, looking intently at the hedgehog. "You're not Sonic, are you? The Sonic I know always loved Sally. You can't be real." A tear fell from her left eye. "Ohhh, I've been such a fool.

[Mike applauds]

TOM: Finally!

CROW: You got it, sister!

I can never have him. If I try, it will only hurt both of us.

TOM: Even more.

For his sake, I must let him go."

A globe of nothingness swept out from Amy. It took away the mist, Sonic, Sally, and the hoverbot, leaving only what she had seen before.

CROW: The holodeck powers off and it turns out to be the most ludicrious "Next Generation" crossover episode ever.

At her feet, though, was the pink Chaos Emerald.

"Huh?" She picked up the gem. "I don't get it."

MIKE: I'M SHOCKED!!

"As your illusions dissapeared," replied the voice, "so did mine. I am the magic of this zone. When I was created, I was given a desire to make all who come here happy.

CROW: What a fool I was.

But I soon realized that I did not have enough power to grant all the wishes that were hidden in these visitors' minds, so I used illusions.

TOM: Petty, silly, transparent illusions anyone not brain-dead would see through, but illusions nevertheless.

I have given final peace to millions over the ages, by making them think the world complied with their fantasies until they starved, their sensation of hunger wished away.

CROW: That's incredibly sick.

Few can dispel their inner illusions as you have just done. In those rare cases, my illusions do not work, but since they are so rare, I can afford to change the world for them."

ALL: [singing] I can cha-he-ange the world!
I will be the sunlight in your universe!

"'Final peace'? Eww...no wonder this zone is forbidden."

TOM: "Oh, grody. Dead stuff."

"You shall get what you want."

"No more illusions?"

"If you carry no more."

MIKE: [Amy] Lemme check my purse.

Amy closed Nicole, put it on top of the Chaos Emerald, held the gem over her head with both hands, and stared at it.

TOM: Uh...she stared at the top of her head?

CROW: You seen their eyes? They can.

"I want..."

MIKE: Chipple-riffic ice cream.

The emerald, Nicole, and Amy were gone in a blaze of pink energy.

[All leave]

[...safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk]

[Crow is sitting alone Indian-style on the counter. He talks without moving his mouth.]

CROW: Hm, I sure could go for some pizza now.

[In a pink flash, a pizza lands on his head. The Mads' light also flashes.]

CROW: Hey, I just got my wish! What else could I wish for?... Some dinner music would be nice.

[As soon as a piano lands on him, we immediately cut to...]

[Mobius. All the villagers are surrounding are surrounding a stage in the middle of the village. Pearl is on top of the stage with a microphone, Observer is on drums, and Sonic plays guitar. The Widowmaker can be seen in the background where Bobo is fiddling with the child-safety lock in a futile effort to exit the vehicle.]

PEARL: As you all should know by now, Brain Guy, Bobo, and myself are leaving your planet shortly.

CROWD: Awwwww...

PEARL: But it isn't all in selfishness... well, mostly, BUT... maybe we can express our feelings on this case better... in a song. Hit it, Son Hedgey Hedge!

[Music starts and singing follows.]

PEARL: I remember the time way back when
You hated me for bein' human.
You wanted me dead but decided not
When you saw Mike and his robots.

TRIO (Pearl, Observer and a muffled Bobo):
We don't want Mike to blow this planet up
Else the Sonic fans would lynch us.
So for your safety, we'll hafta up
And leave in our Microbus.

PEARL: We got Smilitis, but we got well.
"Holloween" made Mike go through hell.
So he tried instead to show Christmas to you
So we sent him more Bookshire doodoo!

TRIO: We don't want Mike to blow this planet up
Else the Sonic fans would lynch us.
So for your safety, we'll hafta up
And leave in our Microbus.

[In enters a flat dog and the crowd cheers. The music continues but the next few lines are spoken.]

PEARL: Why look, everybody! It's a special guest here at the great farewell bash: PaRappa the Rapper!

PARAPPA: Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls!

OBSERVER: How would you like to do a little song for us?

PARAPPA: Oh, c'mon...

SONIC: One humanoid, Japanese game sprite to another? Please?

PARAPPA: Well...

PEARL: [Handing PaRappa the mike] Go on!

PARAPPA: Okay. [Rapping]
Remember when Tails was hooked on drugs
And you three were covered in Spam?
Then Vision came, hypnotized you all,
But thanks to Pearl, he went KABLAM!!

OBSERVER: That was very good.

SONIC: Yes, ah-

PARAPPA: P to the A to the R to the A...

SONIC: Uh-oh...

OBSERVER: He's gonna pay for it. He shifted attention away from Pearl.

PARAPPA: PaRappa's the name, I rap-

PEARL: Yer outta here, 2D-Fruity!

[She kicks him hard enough to have him fly over the crowd. The microphone twirls through the air until it lands in Sonic's had where he continues the song.]

SONIC: Remember when Pearl turned Davey-Kins
More evil than the seven sins?
He then tried to rule our planet...

[SOL]

MIKE: But I'm the hero!

[Mobius]

ALL: Oh, just can it!

[Observer has swiped the mike during the scene shift.]

TRIO: We don't want Mike to blow this planet up
Else the Sonic fans would lynch us.
So for your safety, we'll hafta up
And leave in our Microbus.

OBSERVER: T-Bone thought he was really rad
But WESTSIDE-boy cud ownlly speel bawd.
We rid the world of self-insertion turds...

[Music stops with an awkward pause.]

PEARL: [A cappella] It's hard to think of rhyming words.

[Music starts again.]

TRIO: We don't want Mike to blow this planet up
Else the Sonic fans would lynch us.
So for your safety, we'll hafta up
And leave in our Microbus.

PEARL: [Slowly] Yes, leeeeeeave... in my Miiiiicrooooo-...bussssssssssss...

[The crowd cheers, while the band bows and takes thanks. The sounds continue over the commercial bumper.]

[Commercials]

[All enter]

Chaos Race

Part 8: Conclusion

TOM: I conclude that this fanfic is way too long and relies on too many old and tired clichés and morality lessons.

Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi

[Legal disclaimer:

CROW: You dissin' my claimer? You dissin' my claimer? Ain't nobody 'lowed to dis my claimer.

This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely

MIKE: Ignore this story and any stories that are written as a result of it.

distribute this story, so long as:

a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who distributes the story, and

b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.

In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.

Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.]

******

Sonic and Knuckles almost collided as they raced for the entrance to Knothole from opposite directions.

TOM: Now let's take a look inside the cyclotron!

Sally, still in Knuckles' arms, barely filled the gap between them when they stopped.

Sonic was not amused. "What the...let go of her. She's mine," he declared.

MIKE: Didn't you see the little tag?

CROW: Poor Tails. Sonic's got two girls, Sally's got two guys, and what does Tails have? Two tails.

"Yours?" The echnida set Sally down. "She be no one's, unless you've been treatin' her like a slave." He bared his fists. "You become a slaver, mon?"

TOM: Uncle Tom's Cartoon.

"Slaver?" Sonic stepped back into a fighting pose. "You're calling me a slaver? That's it, you asked for it."

MIKE: [Knuckles] No, no, mon. Heh. I said "shaver" - like you shaved off your quills or something? Heh heh.

"STOP IT!"

TOM: Sunny Funny?

Sally got up and held them at arm's length. "You two seem ready to fight at the drop of a hat. I've fought with enough allies today; I don't need you two to go at it now."

CROW: I bet Howard Stern would love to see them going at it.

MIKE: No, this would be two guys going at it. Stern likes to watch multiple girls.

Sonic and Knuckles unclenched their fists, but kept wary eyes on each other just in case.

CROW: "You're not going to turn into a werewolf on me, are you?"

TOM: "Nah, not this week. You?"

CROW: "No, not up to it."

"Good." Sally turned to Sonic. "Amy's going for the pink emerald; have you heard anything from Antoine and Tails?"

CROW: Just lots of crying.

MIKE: Now either Antoine or Tails will suddenly arrive.

Before he could answer, Sonic had to duck as a hoverbot transport nearly ran him over.

TOM: Well there you go - all Robotnik had to do was run Sonic over with a hoverbot!

The hoverbot landed, bounced, and skidded to a halt.

MIKE: Looks like Launchpad McQuack is flying that hoverbot.

The hedgehog got up, and saw the others already punching away at the vehicle's doorpad, trying to open it.

TOM: Mom! Mom! I called for the front seat and he's trying to grab it!

CROW: No fair! I called freeze on seats last time we were in there!

TOM: But that was over two days ago!

CROW: Yeah but I called a 3-day extender!

TOM: No fair, you called one last week and you can't do that twice in a month!

CROW: I had a pass card 'cause I gave the front seat up to you last month!

MIKE: You all quiet down or I'm turning this fanfic around and going right back home.

Sonic ran to help them, but Knuckles had already managed to force the door open.

TOM: [Door] Ow! You booger!

The echnida was inside instantly, quickly followed by Sonic and Sally.

CROW: And Slimer and Skippy and Sully and Slappy and Slippy and...

Sally had to stifle a giggle when she saw the hoverbot's pilot, whose neck was encased by Knuckles' hands.

Sonic was the first to speak. "Let him go, Knuckles. He's harmless."

MIKE: And if Knuckles keeps that up, he'll be headless as well.

"Leesten to 'im. Ah am 'armless in ze extreme."

TOM: I got hit by a zap ray and turned into a snake. It's kind of inconvenient, but I love eating entire cows at once.

Knuckles regarded Antoine.

MIKE: See? There's Ant right on schedule.

"The way you tried to run us down, I should leave you armless. But alright." He dropped the fox.

TOM: And picked up the squirrel. Nobody really knew why Knuckles liked to carry animals around, and nobody was about to ask.

Sally glanced around at the hoverbot's full cargo bay. "Where did you find all this? And where's Tails?"

Antoine produced the yellow

CROW: Snow.

Chaos Emerald from underneath the controls. "Ah thought eet best to safeguard what we had found. Tails went for ze green emerald without me."

MIKE: [Sally] So when are you going to answer my first question?

"You..." Sally froze. "You abandoned him?"

TOM: No. I mean yes. I mean, sure. I mean, was that wrong?

"Umm...well...oui. But ah have ze utmost confidence zat he shall reteurn unharmed, with ze emeralds.

MIKE: This is a fanfic afterall.

Speaking of which..." Antoine handed the yellow gem to Knuckles, who touched it to the purple emerald. "...do we have what we were to find?"

CROW: [Sally] No, we're still working on the meaning of life, but we've got most of the Chaos Emeralds.

"Well," Sally counted off on her fingers,

TOM: "What's the thingy that comes after one again?"

"Tails is going after the green emerald, Amy's on the pink one, we have red and purple, and you came back with yellow. That leaves blue and grey. Sonic?"

CROW: "I got a rock."

The hedgehog shook his head as he produced the blue emerald. "I couldn't find the grey one. Packbell probably got it before me."

TOM: I mean, uh, he probably has it, since I didn't feel like looking or anything.

He did a double take. "Wait a minute. What do you mean, 'Amy's on the pink one'? You didn't just...?"

MIKE: Hey Sonic, I think you should be more concerned about what Packbell will do with the gray emerald. Y'know, the master one? Doesn't Knuckle-head tell you anything?

Sally nodded. "We had no choice. She took Nicole with her,

CROW: "They eloped!"

and Knuckles refused to track her down."

MIKE: "And we ran out of gas and it started to rain, and... and-and..."

"With all those robots out there? That's suicide!" Sonic turned to leave.

TOM: So I'd better go kill myself.

"I have to find her!"

Before he could leave, a blaze of pink energy formed in front of him.

CROW: Suddenly a Romulan beams down!

When it faded, Amy Rose was giving Sonic the most meaningful kiss she had ever given him. The pink Chaos Emerald and Nicole tumbled out of mid-air, both sliding to their respective owners.

MIKE: BONK! BONK!

CROW: [Sally] Ow!

TOM: [Knuckles] Ow!

When Amy let go, Sonic was stunned, standing there with his mouth open. But when he looked at Amy, he saw tears running down her face. "I realized who you love, and who you have always loved," she said calmly.

CROW: He hasn't always loved Sally. There was that Tiara Boobowski, among many, many others...

"You'll never love me, at least not as much as you love Sally." She turned her back on everyone, trying to keep them from seeing her crying. "You should have told me."

Sonic put a hand on her shoulder.

MIKE: What shoulder?

"I couldn't. I knew it would break your heart to know the truth.

TOM: "Besides, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

I...I just couldn't bear to make you feel so bad. You're my friend, Amy, and I never let my friends down."

CROW: [Sonic] But I'm not above crushing their spirits once in a while!

Sonic turned away from Amy, only to have Sally rush up and kiss him even more deeply than Amy had.

MIKE: I heard that mono spreads rather rapidly on Mobius.

He could only catch his breath when Sally finished. "What...was that...for?"

TOM: [Sally] Um... I forget.

Sally smiled. "Oh, nothing. I just remembered why I ever liked a certain hedgehog, that's all."

MIKE: Care to let us in on the secret?

All three of them felt a rough landing,

CROW: Huh?

and turned as one towards Antoine.

TOM: [Antoine] Hey you two! Get a room!

"Zorry to interrupt, but while you lovebirds were taking care of buisiness,

MIKE: [Singing] Everyday!

ah decided to get ze road on ze show."

"That's, 'show on the road'," Knuckles corrected.

CROW: Apparently Antoine sapped all of Knuckles' accent.

"I don't know if we can do much with only five emeralds, but we've got to try. Who knows, maybe Tails will make it back in time with Green, too."

"So?" Sonic tapped his foot impatiently. "What're we waiting for?

MIKE: [Sally] Well, I was hoping we'd have a musical number first.

Let's get back to the island."

Knuckles rolled his eyes.

TOM: Whiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr...

CROW: "Wheeeeeeeeeee!"

"From what I heard of Sir Charles, stupidity should not be in your genes. But in your case, maybe a recessive one came out." He sighed. "Where do you think Antoine's just taken us?"

CROW: HUH?

TOM: Even if they were wrapped up in their business, wouldn't they notice the acceleration?

******

Sure enough, the hoverbot had landed on the Floating Island, near the ruins of the Chaos Chamber. The Freedom Fighters, along with the revived Chaotix, had already secured the area.

CROW: Despite the fact that most of the Freedom Fighters can't fly and wouldn't be able to get on the island.

TOM: Not to mention the fact that the only attack was a swarm of precisely targeted missiles that all detonated long before any of them even knew about what had happened.

Bunnie greeted them as they approached.

MIKE: [Bunnie] Ah just flew up heah from Knothole an' boy are mah arms tired! Ha ha ha!

"What took y'all so long? Much longer, and this here island wouldn't be called 'floating' anymore."

TOM: [Bunnie] Now kiss mah gritz!

"Indeed." Mighty pointed to a speck on the horizon, which rapidly grew larger. "Although I had expected Packbell to attack again before you got back."

MIKE: Sheesh. Do fictional characters just make appointments with each other to pull off these coincidences?

Everyone turned to look at the single hoverbot. They all knew it could not be a threat;

TOM: Antoine had just lost control of the ship again.

if it tried to attack, its enemies were in a position to strike it down before it got its second shot off.

But instead of attacking, the hoverbot landed, discharged

CROW: Ew!

two passengers, and powered down. Those assembled gasped as they saw the figures march towards them,

BOTS: [Disheartened] We represent the lollipop guild...the lollipop guild...

the lollipop guild...

one with the green Chaos Emerald and a laser rifle, the other with his head drooped in shame.

CROW: Yes, somehow Tails had managed to escape from his bonds and capture Snively!

"'Ze utmost confidence'?" Sally frowned at Antoine. "If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I will personally roboticize you."

Antoine cowered in fear.

MIKE: "I can't stand ze sight of air!"

He had been cowering since Snively's arrival, though, so no one noticed a difference.

"Greetings, fellow Mobians."

TOM: Nanoo nanoo.

Snively's grin stretched across half of his face. "I offer you a trade."

TOM: How much you wanna bet they fall for it again?

MIKE: We don't have any money, remember?

TOM: I mean in theory.

MIKE: Oh. Everything I own.

CROW: Same here.

"Let Tails go," Sonic shouted.

"Oh, but I will.

CROW: Or Tails will escape when he pulls some kind of stunt like calling, 'Hey! Look there!'

I just need him as insurance, to make sure you don't double cross me while we make our exchange."

"What do you want?"

"From you, hedgehog? Nothing. My buisiness is with Knuckles."

"Me?" The echinda looked around.

TOM: [Knuckles] Where'd I go? Oh, here I am. Sorry, lost myself for a second.

"I got nothin' for you, mon."

"Yes, you do. I want the Floating Island's technology.

MIKE: I will master 'sprite' graphics.

All the discoveries and secrets buried in the ruins of your ancestors' civilization. Give me that information, and you can have your precious Chaos Emerald back. I'll even let Tails go, once I'm off the island."

TOM: So he can fall to his death. Wait. That came out wrong.

"Don't do it," Tails shouted defiantly.

CROW: Tails is AntiNike.

His retort was cut off when Snively jabbed him in the side with his rifle. "Shut up, little fox, before I change my mind!" Snively held up the emerald. "It's a fair exchange, don't you think? Some ancient technology for a whole island.

MIKE: Go on, just give him the Windows 95 CD-ROM!

I - YEOWCH!"

TOM: He shouldn't have sat on the cactus.

Snively's speech was cut short as metal hands grabbed him from behind

CROW: 'Grabbing his behind'?

and held him aloft. Tails was sent rolling to his friends, along with the emerald. "So, you live after all," a familiar, sinister voice echoed through the robot's speakers. "Well, well, well.

TOM: That's how we'll get our drinking water, we'll dig them.

This is quite unexpected."

Sally helped Tails get up, then froze. "Packbell?"

"Yes, Princess, it is I. And I want the Chaos Emeralds."

CROW: [Sonic] Well so do I. Let's roshambo for it.

TOM: [Packbell] Roshambo?

CROW: [Sonic] Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can. Then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. We keep going back and forth until one of us falls over, and whoever's left standing wins the Emeralds.

"Then come and get them," Sonic challenged in a mocking voice. "We've got six, and you're outnumbered."

"But I have the grey one."

TOM: I have the horizontal. I have the vertical.

Packbell tossed Snively to the side and produced the grey Chaos Emerald. "It gives me total control over the others."

MIKE: [Packbell] It even gives me cable - for free! Hahahahahahahaha!

Knuckles, realizing what was about to happen, sent a telepathic command to the floating emeralds. They dispersed, each landing in the hand of one of the Freedom Fighters:

CROW: Pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds...

red to Knuckles, blue to Sonic, pink to Amy Rose, yellow to Antoine, purple to Sally, and green to Tails.

TOM: If he can send telepathic commands to them, why doesn't he pull the gray one out of Packbell's hands and bring it to himself?

"Now that I am close enough to the other emeralds,

MIKE: I get all weepy.

all I have to do is command it," Packbell continued. "And I command it to gather its siblings."

The other six emeralds started glowing, and were pulled towards the grey one. Each holder resisted with all of their might,

TOM: So they failed.

CROW: Ch'yeah. Obviously.

putting their body in the path of the emerald and bracing against the ground. It was a losing fight, though; each emerald slowly advanced on the grey, taking its holder with it.

Packbell laughed.

MIKE: "Laugh with me, Jocko! Laugh with me!"

"When the emeralds get close enough, I can absorb their power. When that happens, victory shall be mine.

TOM: Then I will finally have the ability to resist the urge to spill my evil plot to the good guys!

Nothing you can do can stop me."

"Then what are we," Bunnie asked, "chopped liver?

CROW: Worse; you're supporting cast.

CHARGE!"

TOM: What's Braveheart Lion doing here?

It took Packbell a second to count the number of Freedom Fighters and Chaotix who suddenly descended upon him.

CROW: A whole second? He must be running on a Pentium II.

Their combined mass was enough to make the ground shake. Within two seconds, Packbell had to flee.

MIKE: He's Imanewbie!

With its holder's concentration distracted, the grey emerald's call ceased. Knuckles collected the six gems, while the other five holders joined their colleagues.

TOM: Um, Wonder Twin powers activate?

Snively, seeing an opportunity, dashed into the hoverbot and piloted it away.

******

Packbell was not the fastest robot in existance, but he did manage to evade his numerous pursuers long enough to get to the edge of the island.

MIKE: Sooooo... Sonic "Fastest Thing Alive" Hedgehog, huh?

TOM: {Tsk}... yeah...

Packbell held the gem above his head as he stood on the cliff. "Stop, or I will destroy this emerald."

CROW: Methinks Packbell misses the definition of "indestructable."

"No you won't," Amy yelled as she jumped at Packbell and started to beat away on his head. Her first blow damaged Packbell's visual sensor array, the second cut off vital connections in his neck circuity, and she was only getting started. Sonic mused that her fighting skills had definitely improved over the years, ever since she attacked her first SWATbot to save him.

MIKE: But she's still doing the exact same thing!

Packbell was taken by surprise.

CROW: He'd never have guessed it was so rubbery!

He dropped the gem and tried to shake Amy off, stumbling around helplessly, screaming with rage. The robot toppled over the cliff and dropped out of sight, taking Amy with him.

TOM: Wow. Got rid of the two biggest pains in this story at once.

MIKE: Too bad their recurring characters that will return before the "surprise" ending.

Packbell looked around, scarcely believing what had happened. "You pink maniac! You have only doomed yourself. Surely you know that my 'soul' is but a program.

CROW: Ah, but Amy realizes they're all fanfic characters anyway so can come back more often than the X-Men do.

This body may be scrapped, but I can just copy myself to another body in Robotropolis. You, on the other hand, will not survive." He chuckled ominously. "How mortal of you, to sacrifice yourself like this."

TOM: So dying is the way to live to the fullest?

"It doesn't matter. If I can't have Sonic, I have nothing to live for. I loved him with all my heart. But he only loved Sally."

"You have...my pity. Goodbye." The robot shut down as Packbell returned his conciousness to Robotropolis, and proceeded to contemplate why those words should occur to him. He had never pitied anyone before, and wasn't sure that he sincerely pitied Amy.

MIKE: But hell, who couldn't pity her?

Amy closed her eyes and released the robot. She had heard that falling produced a quick death, if you fell far enough.

TOM: Well, and if you hit the ground.

The hedgehog's thoughts were of Sonic as she felt a sudden deceleration.

She kept her eyes closed for a few more seconds, then noticed something unusual. Only her arms had been jerked up; the rest of her body felt like it was suspended from them. Amy opened her eyes, and saw that someone had grabbed a hold of her. "Tails!? You came to save me?"

CROW: "I was on a kamikaze mission! I was SUPPOSED to die!"

TOM: [Tails] Oh, sorry. I'll let you go.

CROW: [Amy] WAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGH!

"Of course I did," Tails replied. "We don't want to lose you.

MIKE: You have the keys to the bathroom.

We all need you."

CROW: "Well, tolerate your existance, anyway."

"Really?" Amy smiled. She completely forgot that she still had lots of friends,

TOM: Name one!

who would help her whenever she had problems. Remembering this felt good.

The fox strained as his tails slowly lifted both of them back towards the island. "Geez, Amy, you need to go on a diet."

"Are you telling me I'm fat? How could you? Waah!!"

MIKE: Oh great, now she's turned into Sailor Moon.

"I save your life, and all you can do is cry?" Tails shook his head, smirking. "Girls..."

CROW: They're all pathetic morons that obsesively worry about make-up, weight and malls! Am I right?

MIKE: Yeah! Girls are so stupid! Pfft!

TOM: I hate them.

******

When they finally reached the Floating Island,

CROW: So, is the Floating Island anything other than a way to combine seasickness with airsickness?

Tails set Amy down in an empty clearing, then landed to catch his breath.

"Oh, Tails, thank you," Amy said, beaming.

"Don't mention it."

TOM: "I don't wish to be reminded of it."

"No, really. You were so brave, and so quick...and so handsome..." Amy advanced on Tails. Tails looked at her blankly, wondering what she was up to.

******

Snively's last remaining squad arrived just as Sonic saw Tails snatch Amy.

"Yes!" He looked up, and saw the incoming warriors. "No!"

The combat was brief, but intense.

TOM: It was lemony, but paperback.

MIKE: Spongey, but varnished.

CROW: Glued, but flour-coated.

Unused to outnumbering the enemy, Sally nonetheless managed to direct a complete massacre. Within minutes, not a single functioning robot was in sight,

TOM: Saving Private Ryan: 2070.

and none of the Freedom Fighters or Chaotix had been injured.

Sonic bounced a SWATbot head off his quills as he rolled around. "Well, Sally, I think that's the last of 'em."

"Looks like..."

MIKE: Teen spirit... oh, wait...

A loud scream interrupted Sally, but was abruptly cut off.

"What the...?"

TOM: "Why can't we finish our...?"

"That was Tails' voice. We must've missed a SWATbot somewhere!" Sonic turned and pointed. "Come on!"

CROW: To the Batcave!

******

When Sonic and Sally raced up, they saw Amy looking confused, pondering over Tails' unconcious body.

"All I did was kiss him," she offered.

MIKE: Then we plunged into the Eternal Bog of Stench.

Sonic and Sally looked at each other, and broke down laughing.

BOTS: [Mechanically, winding down] Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha.

******

Hours later, as the Floating Island finally floated out of sight, Sonic put his arm around Sally's shoulder next to a campfire.

ALL: [Singing offkey] Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the antelope play.

"You know, Sal, I'm glad you and Amy have stopped fighting. She's right; I was hurting worse than you two were."

TOM: Well, no, actually, he had no emotional response at all.

Sonic squeezed the squirrel. "Where'd you learn to be so jealous, anyway?"

MIKE: Eleventh grade. Had to fill out an elective.

Sally giggled, and patted Sonic on the back.

CROW: [Sally] YEOW! Ooops, forgot about the quills.

"From a friend of mine. He's always trying to make sure 'his girl' stays his."

"Moi? Oh, come on, Sal. Sure, I might not like it when anybody else makes moves on you, but jealous?"

"Just remember that next time Antoine pays me a compliment, ok?"

Sonic looked at Sally, and pulled his head back.

CROW: Breaking his neck in several places.

"Antoine? Well...ok, if you say so." He sighed. "It's fights like today's that make me wonder if we'll ever win. I mean, wouldn't Mobius be better place by now if we were making a difference?"

Sally mused. "You're right. But..."

******

MIKE: But what?!

Elsewhere in Knothole, a pair of packrats rejoiced as Bunnie brought their long lost son back to them.

TOM: [Packrat] They aren't shiny. I don't want them.

******

MIKE: Whoa!

Cap hugged Missy tightly. "I love you. Oh, I missed you so much."

"You've been saying that all day." Missy smiled. "Keep saying it."

CROW: [As Missy] "You gave me seventy orders a day for four years, I want some payback."

******

MIKE: Yaugh! I'm getting woozy from all these scene cuts.

Tails sat down on a log next to Amy. "So, what'd you have to talk to Sally about?"

Amy sighed. "Just making up for keeping Sonic from her."

He wrinkled his face in disgust. "What, you actually apologized for interrupting that disgusting stuff?"

She turned to Tails. "It's not that bad. I like it."

TOM: I'm emotionally desperate for any hint of approval.

"Must be an acquired taste."

Amy slid closer to the fox. "Would you like to acquire it?"

CROW: Fun and games with puberty, folks!

"Not in a million years."

She smiled slyly, and bear hugged him. "How about now?"

Tails gulped nervously, unsure of what to do. But eventually, he smiled and hugged her back.

******

MIKE: Augh!

Having finally gathered all the scrap from the robots that had tried to invade the Floating Island, Knuckles sat down with the Chaos Emeralds. A few magical flares later, the scrap's atoms had been rearranged into a new Chaos Chamber,

CROW: I bet planning to build one of those is a mess.

TOM: Just chaotic, yeah.

which Knuckles reverently placed the emeralds into. "Justice is mine."

******

MIKE: Jeez!

Off in the Forbidden Zone, a piece of semi-sentient magic reflected that it had granted another wish.

CROW: Although we're not entirely certain who or what this is referring to.

The Wish Zone had had to see one less Mobian pleased to death.

TOM: For those playing along at home, this is a good line to work from.

******

CROW: And somewhere, another angel gets its bells.

MIKE: Wings.

CROW: Right. Another wing gets its bells.

"...I'd say it is."

Sonic snuggled closer to Sally. "If you say so."

MIKE: [valley girl] Sure.

CROW: [same] Whatever.

TOM: [same] As if!

MIKE: Guy!

CROW: Like, gag me with a spoon!

TOM: Omigawd!

[All continue as they leave the theater.]

[Safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk]

[Gypsy's off to the left with a whistle around her "neck" while Tom and Mike are to the right in track uniforms.]

GYPSY: Alright! Go!

[Mike falls backwards while Tom shoots straight up. Mike recovers to have Tom land on his head. Tom then attempts to move forward only to collide with the desk and bounce against a couple of walls and fall to the floor. Mike gets up one last time and runs forward only to trip over Tom's body. They remain motionless. Crow enters, sammich in hand.]

CROW: Hey, Gyps. What's happened?

GYPSY: Oh, we were just having a... Chaos Race. [Rimshot] Thank you. Anything up?

CROW: Naw.

[Suddenly a crash is heard and a grappling hook shoots out of one wall, impales Crow's head, and attaches itself on the other wall. The SOL moves with a start.]

GYPSY: Holy sh-

[VW... in space! Usual view]

[Observer, who shot the hook, hands the grappling gun to Bobo.]

OBSERVER: You're stronger; you take it.

BOBO: Dahh, y'okay.

[SOL]

[View through the hole in the back of Crow's head so you can see Gypsy.]

GYPSY: Crow, are you alright? Can you go on?

CROW: Sure I can... mom.

[Crow collapses.]

GYPSY: Um, excuse me, Mrs. Pearl ma'am, but what the hell did you do to him?

[VW]

[Bobo is holding the rope by his teeth, growling like a dog.]

PEARL: All we did is rope the Satellite. Art was just an innocent bystander there. It happens. Anyway, we've finally left that Godforsaken ball of dirt. Fun times or not, it's great to be on the road again. Yup, we'll never see them again.

[Tails pops up from under Observer's seat.]

OBSERVER: Waugh!

TAILS: Hi!

PEARL: What the hell are you doing here??

TAILS: I'd miss you, Aunt Pearl!

[Hugs her.] I love you.

PEARL: [Rolls down a window] Would you do whatever I say?

TAILS: If the money's right.

PEARL: Leave anyway. [Tosses Tails out the window.]

OBSERVER: We're gonna hear from the ASPCA about that... Might I ask why you did that?

PEARL: Okay. [Pause]

OBSERVER: Why did you do that?

PEARL: One insignificant fox was worth it to not ruin the ecosystem of the next planet we land on. Remember how one foreign insentient creature could destroy an entire land? Treehuggers are a hell of a lot more violent than Sonic fans, I'll tell ya that.

OBSERVER: Oh, right. I see your point.

PEARL: Of course you do.

[Pan over to the side of the van where the packrat of the story is clinging to the bumper.]

PACKRAT: Car shiny! [Continue panning to the planet Mobius.]

OBSERVER: [V.O.] I wonder what they'll do without us.

[Cut to Knothole Village where Sonic and Sally are looking at a diminishing dot in the sky.]

SONIC: I wonder what we'll do without them.

SALLY: You can say that again.

SONIC: ...I'm not gonna do that joke.

[They start walking across the village.]

SONIC: Y'know, I got so used to them being around here I forgot what we did before.

SALLY: Fight evil.

SONIC: ...Oh, yeah... But that isn't half as fun.

SALLY: Tell me about it.

SONIC: I wonder if we could ever find more humans and-slash-or robots to torture with our fiction...

SALLY: Well, you can't exactly expect them to fall from the sky or anything, can you?

[The ground shakes with a loud crash. Zip-pan to where the Millennium Falcon has landed. Han, Leia, and Chewie exit while Luke and his Droids remain in the doorway.]

HAN: That whoopie cushion wasn't funny at all, Luke!

LUKE: Heh, yeah it was.

R2D2: Bah-weep!

C3PO: I really don't agree with this at all.

HAN: If it was so funny, how come it CAUSED ME TO CRASH LAND ON A FOREIGN PLANET WHEN I LOST CONTROL??

LEIA: Easy there.

CHEWIE: Growr.

HAN: If only I could get them back.

LEIA: Yeah, but how?

CHEWIE: Grrrow grrr rowr rrrrr rah?

HAN: Force them to watch bad fanfictions for an indefinite amount of time? Where do you get these ideas?

CHEWIE: Rhy dunno.

LEIA: Hmm. It could work.

HAN: If we're sneaky... Maybe we can get the natives to help.

[Cut to Sonic and Sally, who look at each other and give exaggerated shrugs and grins.]

BOTH: Oh, well! Here we go again!

[Tails falls through the roof of a hut in the background as we iris out on "Shave and a Haircut."]

--- ALMIGHTY EDITOR AND GODLIKE HEAD WRITER: John Berry [berry@sugar-river.net]

WRITERS: CDM [cdm9613@juno.com]
MacMog [macmog@umich.edu]
Joseph Nebus [nebusj@rpi.edu]
Satyajit Phanse [satyap@bom2.vsnl.net.in]

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Jennifer "Kaz00ie" Berry [berry@sugar-river.net]
Shay Caron [gleemoth@aol.com]

HOST SEGMENTS: John Berry

CDM

MacMog

PROOFREADER: Shay Caron

"Twelve Things Mobian" LYRICS: Shay Caron & John Berry
MUSIC: Some old guy that's probably dead

"Don't Blow This Planet Up" LYRICS: John Berry
MUSIC: No one; it's just text now

JOSEPH NEBUS' A.C.E.G. TO SONIC MSTINGS: www.math.rpi.edu/~nebusj/sth3k.html

SONIC COMIC PARODY PAGE: members.aol.com/TheVid1987/STCParody.html

(Page space provided by "The Vid")

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and characters Â©1998 Best Brains Inc. Sonic the Hedgehog and other characters Â©1998 of SEGA, DIC, and Archie Comics. Star Wars and characters Â©1998 LucasFilm Ltd. and 20th Century Fox.

STINGER:

"Is this where Robotnik did you?"