ENTERPRIZED

Part 1

Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
From: dzhines@kimbark.uchicago.edu (David Hines)
Subject: MiSTed fanfic - "Enterprized."
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 1994 01:45:29 GMT
Lines: 1400
Be warned. What follows is a MiSTing of the M*nos of fanfics...

[Nighttime on the SOL. Lights are lowered. Suddenly a siren goes off. The siren is loud and irritating. Think car alarm, but worse. Crow, in nightshirt (with nightcap), runs through screaming. Tom, in pajamas, runs through screaming, from the opposite direction. Mike, in jammies and bathrobe, runs in. He's putting on bunny slippers as he runs.]

Mike: What's going on? What's that noise?

Crow: [Screams]

Tom: [Screams]

Mike: Okay, guys, settle down. What the...? Oh, I see. Chester and Spike are calling.

[Hits the button, the siren stops immediately]

Dr. F: Well, well, well. Nice bunny slippers, Merrick. What happened? Diddums get his beauty sleep interrupted?

Mike: Hey, c'mon, this isn't fair! We're not due for a movie till tomorrow morning. I haven't had time to make an invention yet!

Dr. F: Oh, a procrastinator, eh, Milton? Well, you'll pay for that... Frank, tell them what they get.

Frank: Oh, guys, you're real lucky. We've got an alt.startrek.creative fanfic for you.

Tom: [runs in, stops.] Alt.startrek.creative fanfic? Nooooo!! [runs off screaming]

Crow [runs through screaming]

Mike: Hey, c'mon. I've read that group before. They have some good writing on there [pause] sometimes.

Dr. F: Well, Milli Vanilli, this one is not one of the good ones. In fact, it's so bad you'll wish you were watching "Monster-A-Go-Go!" Hahahahaha!!!!

Mike: Monster-A- ...what??

Dr. F: I hate you, Morgenstern. Send him the fanfic, Frank.

Tom and Crow [run by screaming]

[fanfic sign flashes]

Mike: Hey guys, look! We've got fanfic sign!

Tom and Crow [pause, look at each other, scream, run off screaming in opposite directions]

6...5...4...3...2...1...0

[Mike carries a screaming Tom in and plunks him in his seat. Crow runs in and runs up and down the front, screaming.]

Mike: Shhhh, guys, it'll be okay. How bad can it be?

Crow: [In his seat now] Well, there was a little piece called "Cyborged..."

Tom: [screams]

Crow: [screams]

alt.startrek.creative #8038 (2 more)
[1]
From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
[1] TNG _Enterprized_ part 1
Organization: Radford University
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
Date: Mon Nov 29 08:50:37 CST 1993
Lines: 58

Mike: Hey, you guys, quiet down. It's starting.

This is a next Generation story
All spelling errors are to be ingored

Tom: Oh, please, tell me he's joking there.

Crow: I hate to say it, but I don't think so.

Written by Stephen Ratliff

Tom: [desperate] He was joking, right? Please, tell me he was joking!

Mike: Tom, he was joking.

Tom: [hopefully] Really?

Mike: I'm sorry, Tom. I don't know. I hope so.

Tom: Oh God.

Comments welcome

Crow: Much obliged, Stephen.

E N T E R P R I Z E D

by Stephen Ratliff

PROLOGUE

"Evasive Maneuvers, fire phasers, LT. Yarr," Lueitenant

Mike: Well, I can evade ok, and fire ok, but I don't know how to Yarr.

Richard Casteel said as three romulan warbirds sircled the Enterprise-C casually firing on it.

Tom: "Sircled?"

Crow: So, how you wanna shoot 'em, sir?

Mike: Well, try to shoot 'em without looking like you're trying to.

Crow: How'm I supposed to do that?

Mike: I don't know. Fire casual.

The Romulans soon took the Enterprise seriously as it destoryed a warbird.

Crow: I wish somebody would destroy this fanfic.

Tom: I don't know about that, but it's been destoryed, all right.

The responce was quick.

Tom: Yeah, disgust. Let us out of here!

"Lieutenant sheilds are down and phasers are at 10%," Yar informed her comanding officer. As she completed her comment she noticed something else.

Crow:[falsetto] Lieutenant, your fly is open.

"Romulan transporters are active."

Tom: In the sewing circle.

"Get those sheilds up, Now!" Casteel orderd. "Enginneering reports that they are unable to do so," an ensign said.

Mike: Ensign Now?

Tom: Hee-hee.

"Sir, Romulans are in enginneering," Yarr exclaimed.

Crow: They're taking jobs away from us in every field!

Suddenly five romulans materailized on the bridge.

Mike: You can't play bridge with five!

"The subcommander in charge said, "Surrender or die." Lieutenant Casteel got up from his seat and said, "Never."

Mike: Uh, is that never surrender or never die?

He reached for his phaser. He never touched it

Crow: I never laid a hand on it, I swear!

as the subcommander vaporized him.

Tom: I guess he meant never surrender.

"Any more takers for death?"

Mike: Oh, c'mon! That line was lifted from a Speed Racer cartoon!

Tom: Which episode?

Mike: Er, most of them, actually.

Chapter One

Captains Log STARDATE 47567.25

The Enterprise has be ordered on a interesting mission. We will be time travelling to resuce the Enterprise C from Romulus. In order to inprove our chances I ame taking the inventor of a cloaking device on board.

Tom: A spell checker might be a good investment, Stephen.

"Captain the USS Galaxy has signaled that the inventor is ready to beam aboard." Worf said.

"Number One, Counselor,"

Mike: [falsetto] What, right here?

Picard said as he got up from his comfortable chair.

All: The comfy chair!

"Dr. Chrusher, LaForge report to transporter room 3," Picard said after tapping his commicator.

Crow: Tap! Tap! Accept or reject!

Tom: I accept! God, I accept.

Mike: What are you guys talking about?

Tom: Well, Mike, if we told you we'd have to leave the room.

"What did Admiral Edwards not withhold about our inventor," Picard asked.

Crow: [falsetto] Well, he did say he had a nice -

Mike: Crow!

Crow: What?

"He is young and secretive," Troi said.

"Anything I don't know?"

Tom: [falsetto] Well, I sleep in the nude...

"I guess not."

The threesome

Mike: Not a word, Crow.

Crow: Fine, fine. I'll just think about it.

Tom: You've seen too many French movies.

left the turbolift and proceed to the transporter room. Apon entering The room Geodi informed them, "Docter Chursher will be a late.

Crow: [Picard voice] Whew! I was worried!

She said to go ahead with out her."

Tom: No, she has to come out of the closet on her own.

"Beam him aboard then"

Mike: What kind of board?

--------CUT-HERE---------

Part Two to be sent Wednesday December 1

Tom: Is that a threat?

alt.startrek.creative #8077 (1 more) [1]--
(1)
From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
[1] TNG Enterprized part 2
Organization: Radford University
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
Date: Wed Dec 01 08:54:14 CST 1993
Lines: 80

This is a Next Generation story.

Spell checker is down.

Crow: C-H-E-C-K-E-R space I-S -

[Mike touches his shoulder; Crow stops]

Written by Stephen Ratliff

Comments welcome

Tom: Once again, thank you for your support.

E N T E R P R I Z E D

part 2.......

Chapter 1 on cont.

Westly Chrusher materized on the transporter disk. "Hi," He said.

All: Hi Wes!

Tom: Not one, not two, but three spelling errors in Wesley Crusher's name alone.

Crow: Hey, wait a minute. Does the capital "H" mean that Wesley Crusher is God?

Tom: No, it just means that the author can neither spell nor proofread.

Crow: Well, as long as Wesley isn't God, what does it matter?

After noting some surprised looks around the room,

Crow: I guess they thought he'd been killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

he said, "You did ask for the inventor of a cloaking device or did I take the wrong ship?"

Tom: Wrong ship! Get the hell outta here!

"I beleive we did," Riker said. "Right Captain?"

"I seem the recall doing so," Picard confirmed.

Crow:[Picard voice] Of course, I'm getting old and my memory is going.

"Why the secretcy Wes," Geordi asked as he came around the console to greet Westly.

"How else can I surprise my mom?" Wes asked.

Tom: Remember her birthday!

Mike: Clean your room!

Crow: Stop being such a smartass all the time!

As Westly completed the sentence, Dr Chrusher entered the room. "Hi Mom," Westly said. Dr Chrusher fainted into Picard's arms who lowed her to the floor.

Crow: And ravished her cruelly! Ha ha!

"I didn't think I'd surprise her that much," Westly said.

All:[muted trumpet imitation] Wah-wah-wahhhhhh.

Picard looked around and ordered, "Number One, take the Docter to Sickbay. The rest of us will get ready for the 0800 mission briefing."

Tom: We'll sweep the carpet, get fresh flowers for the conference table...

The Crew was seated around the table in the observation lounge. Westly Chrusher, however was standing by the viewscreen

Crow: Fast-forwarding to the good parts in "The Wicked Lady."

"This device will cloak all the ship but the forward 8 meters of the saucer section." Westly said. "So we should leave the saucer section behind. It will However cover the Enterprise-C with room to spare."

Tom: Room to spare, but less than eight meters?

"That means we will need some one to crew the saucer section and we don't have crew to spare," Picard said . "Suggestions?"

Mike: [Riker voice] I'll take it! That saucer section's a babe magnet!

"We could use the kid's crew," Westly suggested.

"Kid's crew," Riker said, "who's idea was that?"

Crow: His. Weren't you listening either?

"Marrissa Flores," Westly said. "She formed it after she was trapped in the turbo lift with Captain Picard."

Crow: Say now...

Mike: Watch it, Crow.

"I know young Marrissa," Picard said,

Crow: Biblically?

"but I refuse to put children at risk."

Tom: Oh, sure. That's why you go into battle with kids on the ship.

"What was you _Kobayshi_Maru_ time Captain," Westly asked.

"15 minutes but I don't see how that helps out," Picard said.

Crow: Didn't last too long, did he?

Tom: Oh, that was low.

"Marrissa's is 20," Westly replied.

"20 minutes my time was 13," Riker said. "Mine was 14:03.467879," Data said.

"We should make sure this young lady gets into Starfleet Academy," Picard said. "The Kid's crew gets a go-ahead. How long before Engineering is ready for this mission?"

"12 Hours, Captain," Geordi said.

Tom: We've got to practice our technobabble.

"Saucer separation will occur at 2300 hours," Picard said. "We depart for Romulus via timetravel at 0100 hours.

Mike: Or we could forget the mission, go to Risa for a month, then go back in time to now! Nobody would know the difference!

Meeting adjourned."

[Tom and Crow start to leave.]

Mike: Come back, guys. He wasn't talking to you.

[Tom and Crow sit down again, sighing in disappointment.]

Chapter 2

Captain Picard was drinking a cup of earl gray tea when Marrissa Floras arrived. "Come,"

Mike: Not a word, Crow. Not a word.

He said when she rang his doorbell Marrissa came in and sat down. "I called you here be cause you might be able to solve a small personal promblem I have," Picard said.

Crow: None of the grown-up women understand me.

"How small?" Marrissa asked.

Mike: Don't say a word, guys. Just let it pass.

"Saucer section command crew," Picard informed.

"And why me?"

"Your 20 mintute _Kobayshi_Maru_ time."

"You are out of date.

Crow: I know, why do you think I called you here?

It's 21:32 now."

Mike: It's past your bedtime, young lady!

"I would like to know your command crew if possible"

"Jay Gordan for first officer, Clarrissa Sutter, Chief Engineer, and Alexander for Chief of security. I'll have to review a little to find the best for the rest."

Tom: Mess with some tests and wrest with the rest.

"You start at 1800 hours." Picard said.

Tom: [falsetto] Oh, wait, I can't. Mom'll get real mad if I'm not back for dinner.

Marrissa skipped out of the room and into the aft turbolift.

Crow: Picard watched her go. Her young, firm -

Mike: [grabs Crow's mouth and holds it shut]

Tom: Let's get out of here!

Mike: Yeah, OK...

=====Cut=Here=====

Mike: Oh wait, Tom, we can't. It's starting up again.

Tom: [whimpers]

Stephen Ratliff at Radford U.

Tom: Damn you, Ratliff!!! Do you hear me? DAMN YOU!!!!!

Crow: Hey, Tom, settle down. Mike, maybe we should take him out of here. I haven't seen him in such a state since Fugitive Alien 2.

[Tom is beginning to shake.]

alt.startrek.creative #8151 (6 more)
[1]
From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
[1] TNG Enterprized part 3
Organization: Radford University X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
Date: Mon Dec 06 10:56:55 CST 1993
Lines: 96

Mike: Tom, you okay?

Tom: [makes bizarre, gasping noises]

Crow: I think the fanfic's made him swallow his tongue!

Mike: He doesn't have a tongue.

Crow: Okay, fine. You tell me what's wrong.

Mike: I don't know. Let's get him out of here!

[They exit the theater]

[Through the doors...]

Tom is on the counter. Mike is examining his chassis.

Crow: Well, what is it?

Mike: [Flipping thru his copy of E-Z Bot Repair] I don't know. I don't - wait! Tom, you've got something jammed in here real good...

[he pokes at Tom's innards with a screwdriver]

[Tom jolts. A beam of light shoots out of his midsection, projecting the image of a female onto the wall]

Crow: What the hey?

[A pause to build up tension]

Tom: [falsetto] Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Crow: Why you little -!

Tom: Oh, come on, Crow, it was funny!

Mike: Tom, we were worried about you.

Crow: Yeah, I thought your head might blow up or something.

Tom: Oh, Crow, really. It takes more than a bad fanfic to make my head explode.

Crow: Oh, then you're ready to go back in?

Tom: Um... well, sure, but if you don't want to, that's fine...

Crow: I wanna go.

Mike and Tom [simultaneously]: You DO?

Crow: Sure. I mean, it's bad, but not that bad.

Mike: Huh?

[Crow nudges Mike.]

Mike: Ohhhh. I get it. Yeah, Tom, Crow's right. We're going back in.

[Fanfic sign flashes, Mike picks Tom up]

Tom: No! No! Really, it's fine if we take a break!

Mike: It's fanfic sign now, Tom. We have to go.

Tom: [a wail of anguish usually reserved for the utterly damned]

[Through the doors, back into the theater]

Crow: You deserve to suffer, Servo.

Tom: Okay, I'm sorry. It was a joke, okay?

Crow: I'm still not speaking to you.

Tom: You just did.

Crow: That was the last time ever.

Tom: You just did it again.

Crow: Well, *that* was the last time.

Tom: You just-

Mike: Okay, guys. Let's just get back to the fanfic, okay?

E N T E R P R I Z E D

by Stephen Ratliff

part 3-------------

Chapter 2 Cont.

Marrissa and 4 other children entered the bridge a few minutes before 1600 hours. Captain Picard was there along with Beta Shift.

"Ah, Marrissa right on time," Picard said.

Tom: [Southern accent, falsetto] Just like Holly Farms.

"I assum this is your bridge crew."

Crow: When you assum you make an ass out of - oh, wait, that doesn't work. Learn to proofread already!

"Correct,"

Tom: [Ed McMahon voice] You are correct, sir!

Marrissa said and sensing that he wanted interductions, "Jay Gordan Craig who will act as my first officer. Clara Sutter, my chief Enginneer who will leave for saucer engineering in an hour.

Tom: [falsetto] Right now we're having a tea party! Join us, won't you?

Alexander, Chief of Security; Patterson Supra, helmsman; and Ro Narys

Tom: Oh geez. Couldn't you do better than that? It's not that hard to make up an original name...

science and ops; round out my Alpha shift. Jay also takes command of Beta Shift, and Clara of Gamma.

Mike: And Locutus of Borg.

Alpha wil be on duty till 0100 gamma till 0900 and normal rotation there after."

"It seems you have every thing fingured out," Picard said "You and your crew have the bridge." Picard and the Beta shift left the bridge.

Mike: All right! Let's get the hell out of here before they realize we're never coming back.

As Alexander took over Tactical from his father (who normal commands Beta shift), He noticed a vessel crossing the Neurtal Zone. "Captain, a vessel is crossing the Romulan Neurtral Zone," Alexander said. "It is shuttle craft size and unarmed.

Tom: It could be a shuttlecraft.

Crow: Nahhh.

It is on an intercept coarse."

Mike: I think you're a little young for such coarse language, kid.

"Hail them, Notify Captain Picard," Marrissa said.

Tom: What the heck is a Notify Captain?

"Incoming Message," Alexander said

"On Screen," Marrissa said in her best Picard imtation. Spock appeared.

All: [jump in fright] Ahhhh!

"This is Marrissa Floras Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise's Kid's Crew. How may I be of assitance?"

Crow: Why would Spock say - oh, I get it. Never mind.

"I am Ambassidor Spock," Spock replied.

Mike: Logical thing to say.

Tom: Eminently logical.

"Permission to land in your shuttlebay." Finally noticing the fact that only children were on the the bridge he asked, "What are you doing on the bridge?

Crow: Ah, Vulcan brainpower at work.

Tom: He's got more earwax than brains.

I thought Captain Picard did allow children on the bridge."

Mike: And now I see I was right all along.

"Commanding the saucer section," Marrissa said. She consulted her PADD

Tom: Actually, this thing does read like a PAD novel.

Crow: "The Seige" was a fine work, do you hear me? A fine work!

and said, "Land in shuttlebay 2. Mr Alexander will guild you in.

Tom: You'll have to be apprenticed to him for seven years, but you'll get used to that.

Mr. Data will meet you on arrival. Enterprise out."

Crow: [makes bell noise, sound of cheering crowd]

Mike: [sportscaster voice] Enterprise is out! That's it! It's all over!

Tom: Don't give me false hopes, all right?

Spock stepped out of his shuttle to meet Data. "Mr. Data why are children in command of the bridge?"

Crow: Because this is a stupid fanfic!

"We are unable to cloak with the saucer section attached," Data said. "Also the regular crew is need for are mission to resucue the Enterprise-C. Westley Crusher suggested that the kids now in command of the bridge could do the job.

Tom: Of course, Wesley's an idiot, and we're going to see he gets killed on the mission.

The Girl in command has a 20 minute Kobayshi Maru time." "Logical."

Crow: No, it's not! It's stupid!

Mike: Well, the author thinks it's logical.

Crow: Don't get me started.

The two science officers porceeded to the battle bridge.

Mike: Omar Sharif gets tough in "Battle Bridge- The Next Generation!"

Spock entered the battle bridge ready room. "Captain, I Have new information on the Enterprise-C." he said. "Also I have found out what happened to Tasha Yarr."

Crow: Oh, he went to Blockbuster's and rented "Red Shoe Diaries 2."

"Good," Picard said "Lets start with the Enterprise-C"

"The Enterprise-C was fully repared and ready to enbark on a spy mission for the Romulan Empire," Spock said. "It mystriosly warped out of orbit. I was unable to find the exact STARDATE but it was some 5 years after its disappearance not before STARDATE 35070."

"And Yarr"

"She disappeard in a Federation Transporter Beam a day after the Enterprise-C. I have the coordinates ot the mystrious disappearance."

Tom: Huh? For a Trek fan, this guy doesn't seem to care much about continuity.

Crow: Neither do the Trek producers.

"Give them to the transporter chief."

Tom: Or not, as you see fit.

At 2340 the Gamma Shift crew enter the battle bridge to join Captain Picard.

Tom: In a game of Twister!

As Picard sat down Marrissa informed him from the Main bridge, "Saucer section ready. All personal

Crow: [falsetto] ...belongings must be safely stowed in an overhead rack or under the seat in front of you.

who are going with you are in your section." "Thank you Marrissa," Picard said. "Seal all connecting cooridors and turbolifts, Mr Data."

"All Turbolifts cleat," Data said.

All: "CLEAT?"

"Corridors and turbolifts have been sealed, Captain." "Released docking latches."

"Docking latches released."

Mike: Bore audience! Tom: Audience bored!

"Marrissa set a coarse 120 mark 90," Picard said. "Engage." the Enterprise Split appart.

Tom: The humble amoeba reproduces asexually, by dividing in two.

Crow: That doesn't sound like much fun.

"We are clear of the saucer," Data said.

Mike: So be real careful not to spill the tea, okay?

"Captain I'll see you at DS9," Marrissa said over the intercom. "Saucer out."

Tom: The little bot laughed to see such sport.

Crow: And the dish ran away with the crew.

Sorry I'M late.

Tom: I'm just glad he's not pregnant.

Mike: Hey -

Tom: Sorry.

Crow: Not bad, Servo.

Tom: You know, Crow, there is a certain freedom to it, a je nais se qoi...

Crow: Yeah, feels good, don't it?

Mike: Don't get any bright ideas, Tom.

Excuse My liberal inclusion of charactor

Mike: What character?

Note the following as source of charactors

Diasater Marrissa Floras

Jay Gordan Craig

Patterson Supra

Imaginary Friend Clara Sutter

Alexander

any Worf Episode after season 5?

Next posting some time this week

Crow: Same crap-time, same crap-channel!

Stephen Ratliff at Radford U.

ANYTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN.

Tom: Stephen could learn to spell.

I got on a roll here is part 4

All: [cries of anguish]

E N T E R P R I Z E D

by Stephen Ratliff

part 4----------

Chapter Three

Captain's Log Supplemental

We have initiated saucer seperation and are traveling toward the neurtal zone. I have left Marrissa Floras in charge of the saucer section with orders to proceed to DS9.

Tom: Oh, have heart! You've already massacred one good show!

Crow: Sorry, what was that?

Tom: Okay, so TNG's been a little off this season.

We are about to time travel back to retrive the Enterprise-C.

Mike: Contrive is more like it.

Westley Crusher entered and sat down at one of the battle bridge's aft stations. "Captain cloaking device has been installed.

Crow: Hey, where'd Picard go?

We can time travel cloaked."

"Engage Cloaking Device," Picard order. THe Enterprise shimmered and disappeared. "Excute Slingshot maneuver," THe ship went into warp around a nearby star. The out lines of a galaxy class ship appeared for a moment and was gone.

Mike: Geez. Talk about anticlimactic.

Suddenly the Enterprise stopped.

Crow: Oh, shoot. Okay, everybody, get out and push. Only 12 lightyears to the next stop for gas.

Picard asked," Mr Data, Crurrent STARDATE?"

Tom: No need to shout!

"37568.1993," Data replied.

"Set a coarse for Romulas, Ensign Ro," Picard said. "Data you have the bridge."

...Any more takers for death" the Romulan subcomander said.

Mike: Oh no! We've traveled back in time to the beginning of the fanfic!

All: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Tasha Yarr woke up with a start. She went into her daughters room and stroked Sela's long blond hair.

Crow: Yes! Yes! Finally some action!

Tom & Mike: CROW!!!

:I can't let her grow up on Romulas. I can't stand it myself. Its worse than where I grew up:

Crow: Pittsburgh.

She thought. :Maybe I can get the shuttlecraft working:

Tom: Anything. Just advance the plot!

At 0100 hours Marrissa left the bridge in Clara's hands. As she walked to her quarters, she wondered; Do I have the ablity to sucessfully get this ship though a battle if nessary? Do I ...

Tom: Well, that was a bizarre interlude, wasn't it?

As the Stardrive section that entered Romulan orbit, cloaked of coarse. Worf called out," I have located the Enterprise-C."

"On screen," Picard said. The Enterprise-C appeared on the screen.

Mike: Wow! It's just like Picture Picture!

It appears to be freshly painted.

Crow: They must have given the model a touch-up.

Its warp engines glowed. "Worf, how many people are on board."

"15 total," Worf replied. "3 on the bridge, 1 in transproter room 2, 2 in sickbay, and 9 in engineering."

All [singing]: And a partridge in a pear tree!

"Ready boarding parties, Number one," Picard said.

Part 5 will be posted within 5 days.

Tom: Don't threaten us, mister!

Comments welcome

Mike: We appreciate that. We really do.

Stephen Ratliff at Radford U.

email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
alt.startrek.creative #8208 (11 more)
[1]
From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
[1] TNG Enterprized part 5
Organization: Radford University X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
Date: Thu Dec 09 13:42:22 CST 1993
Lines: 79

Sorry about the delay Radford University computers ate my first try on this part.

All: [give a heartfelt cheer for the bold efforts of the Radford computers who attempted to save the Net.]

Crow: I'm sure the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation would like a moment of silence in appreciation for the efforts of those bold computers.

All: [bow heads to honor the computers, Tom sniffles]

[A brief pause]

Crow: Okay! Let's go! Prepare to riff away! Ha-HA!

[another brief pause]

Tom: [sniffle] I just can't stop thinking about those poor computers! They gave it their all, but Ratliff got through anyway! Oh, Mike, life isn't fair!

E N T E R P R I Z E D

by Stephen Ratliff

part 5----------

Chapter Four

Captain's Log Stardate 37569.6

Having asembled all that we can of the cloaking device for the Enterprise-C, we are about to board the older Enterprise.

Mike: Eh? Oh, they're going to cloak another ship.

Tom: Too bad they couldn't do it for this fanfic. [pauses, breaks down crying] Oh, those poor computers! Oh, the humanity of it all!

Worf, Westley, Geodi, Lts. Floras and Barckay, and another security officer beamed into enginneering.

Mike: A generic security officer? Oh, he's gone.

As soon as Worf matterized with his phaser ready he said, "Put your hands up."

Tom: That's out of character.

Crow: So he made a gambit.

Tom: Ugh.

One romulan was not cooperitive. His Disrupter vaporized Lt. Floras.

Tom: Yep, that's uncooperative, all right.

Mike: Hey, wait. A no-name is still alive, while a character who has been given a name is dead. Stephen can't even get Trek stereotypes right!

The remainer of the boarding party stunned the nine romulan enginneers into cooperation.

Crow: With their rendition of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Mikado!"

Meanwhile on the bridge of the Enterprise-C, Riker and five security officers beamed in. Riker's team lost one officer, an Ensign Floras,

Mike: Uh-oh. I see a trend here.

when the Romulan commanding officer (the same officer who killed Casteel) fired on his team. However, Riker's team prevailed.

Tom: Yes, another exciting battle scene brought to you by Stephen Ratliff.

As the others took up their assignments Doctors Crusher and Gavar, took out the two in SickBay with their hyposprays and a little percesion transprort beaming.

Crow: What the hell is a doctor doing on an assault team?

Mike: Oh, Crow, you forgot the primary rule of alt.startrek.creative: involve all the cast, even if they have nothing to do.

Data took over the transporter room in a simmalar fassion only he used a Vulcan Nick Pinch.

Tom: Romulans who cut yourselves shaving, beware!

"Riker to Boarding parties"

All [make general partying, carrying-on noises]

"La Forge, Enginneering secure. One death, Lt Floras. The ship seems to be in good repair."

All: [singing] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle]

"His wife doed as well," Riker said.

Tom: She doed it?

Crow: Yeah, she doed it!

"Data?"

"Transporter Room secure," Data said. "No problems."

"Dr. Crusher?" Riker inquired.

"Sickbay secure," Crusher said.

"La Forge, Data, and Crusher," Riker order, "Beam over to the Enterprise-D with your prisoners. Riker out. Riker to Enterprise-D."

"Picard here, how did it go Will."

Tom: Yes, we'll have to read a couple.

"The ship is secure you may beam over my crew," Riker said. "Two deaths, Lt and Ensign Floras."

"You get to inform Marrissa Commander Riker," Picard said.

Mike: I'm going to avoid any and all responsibility. Nyah-nyah!

"I'm not looking forward to it," Riker said. "Riker out."

Crow: Eight...Nine...Ten!! That's it! Riker's out!

Cheif Engineer's Log USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C

Lieutenant Reginald Barclay III recording

We have spent the past four hours installing the cloaking device and are now seaching for tracking devices.

Tom: Succinct and to the point.

Crow: Rule seventeen: Omit needless words! Omit needless words! Omit needless words!

Mike: Yeah, but then we'd be dumping the whole fanfic.

Crow: And you have a problem with that?

"Here is another one, Lieutenant," Westley said as the two crawled down a jefferies tube.

Crow: I think this scene has enough naughty implications without me adding any.

"Thats the 508th one we've found," Barclay said. "The Romulans are sure into overkill."

Mike: Oh, that's it? That's a brief scene.

Tom: Small mercies.

That very morning Tasha and Sela went for a walk. It was a beutiful morning, the romulan version of birds were singing and the flowers were in bloom.

Tom: The romulan version of flowers, that is.

Tasha turned into a cave.

Mike: Wow! That's a neat trick!

At the back of the yellow cave was a shuttle craft.

Crow: Why was the cave yellow? Symbolism or sulfur deposits?

Tom: Do you care?

Crow: No, not really.

It bore the inscription NCC-1701-C USS Enterprise.

"What is this mother," Sela asked.

Mike: Young lady, I ought to wash your mouth out with soap!

"A shuttle from my last post in the faederation fleet," her mother replied.

end part 5-------------------

Part 6 may come tommarrow. if not it will be posted in the 2nd week of January.

Tom: That's okay. Please, don't feel obligated to rush.

Authors Note:

Lt. and Ensign Floras are Marrissa's parents.

Tom: Well, duh.

now taking suggestions on foster or adoptive parents. Suggestions will be taken intill 1-11-94. I wil not be on the net between 12-16-93 and 1-09-94.

All: [Cheering]

Stephen Ratlif at Radford U.

Tom: Excuse me for interrupting here. I would just like to point out that the author is incapable of spelling his own name correctly.

email : sratliff@rucs3.sunlab.cs.runet.edu

Next part : Romulan detechtion and Cardassian battle.

Tom: If you're trying to capture our interest, it isn't working.

alt.startrek.creative #8228
(1)
From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
[1] TNG Enterprized part 6
Organization: Radford University
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
Date: Fri Dec 10 11:42:31 CST 1993
Lines: 134

This Post will be reposte when I get back from Winter Break

Tom: Well, we'll just parry this one, then.

E N T E R P R I Z E D

by Stephen Ratliff

part 6---------

Chapter Five

Captain's Log STARDATE 37570.2 USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C

Commander William T. Riker recording

Crow: A new collector's video, called "Naughty Women of Starfleet!"

The Enterprise is now ready to go as all staff is on board.

Mike:[Riker voice] Except for me. I'm on my way to Risa.

Note crew list {Apendix attached to part}.

"Commander two Romulan warbird are on an intercept coarse with us," Worf said. ":There weapons are charging.~

Mike: Not to mention their ships.

"Looks like we have been discovered," Riker said. "Inform the Enterprise-D. Westley Crusher, to the bridge."

"Captain Picard is hailing us," Worf said.

"On Screen," Riker said.

"What seems to be the Problem, Will,"

Crow: I'm gaining weight, sir. Look at me this season, I've ballooned! I'm starting to do a Shatner!

"Two unfriendly Romulan Warbirds," Riker said.

"Lead them out of the system." Picard orded. "Then lose them with your cloaking device. Picard out."

Tom: Why didn't they turn the cloak on in the first place?

Westley Crusher arrived on the brigde. "Take helm, Wes," Riker said. "Plot a coarse 134 mark 179, full impluse.

Crow: [high-pitched, quavery, adolescent voice] That's "impulse," sir.

Mike: [Riker voice] Shut up, kid.

Warp when we clear the system. And keep us ahead of them and away from their shots."

The Enterprise shot out of orbit. Roulan warbird followed out it like sharks after a bloody fish.

All: [hum JAWS theme]

The gained on the Enterprise as it left the system. They opened fire but Wes made aquick evasive manuaveur and went into warp. The Romulans started to gain on the Enterprise agian as she passed warp 4. Westly was visablely sweating.

Mike: Oh, man, if they pull us over they'll find my stash!

When Riker noticed this he said," Go to warp 8.

Tom: [Southern accent] Boys, doncha think y'all are goin' just a little above that Warp 5 speed limit?

Worf cloak us in 30 secords."

Crow: What's a Worf cloak?

The Enterprise shot forward. The Romulans increased speed. However the Enterrprise-C disappeared from ther sensors.

Tom: Another gripping scene draws to a close.

"Marrissa to the bridge. RED ALERT. Marrissa to the bridge."

Tom: Marissa to the bridge, code Yarborough.

The alarm woke Marrissa she jumped in to her boots (She slept in her unform) and ran to the waiting turbolift. "Bridge," She ordered. As the trubolift sped to its destination, she wondered what was goning on to call Red Alert deep inside Federation space. The Turbolift doors opened.

Mike: Revealing Michael Caine in a dress!

All: AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

On screen was a Cardassian warship. "What's going on."

"The Cardassian captian opened commication with a phaser bolt," Clara said. "Then asked for us to surrender. I told him

Crow: To go take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut.

I had to get the Commanding officer. He is waiting for you reply."

"Open a Channel," Captain Marrissa Floras said.

Gul Ducat appeared on screen.

Tom: Geez, Ratliff wants to ruin DS9 too.

"This is Captain Marrissa Floras of the Federation starship Enterprise. Why do you want us to surrender," Maarrissa said confededently. "In fact why are you 56.1 Parsec from the nearest Carrdassain Space and 50 parces inside federation space?"

Mike: What? Oh, I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albequerque.

"Why do I what you to surender," Gul Ducet said. "You are a bunch of kids no kids should ever command a starship. And I'm here to attack Earth."

All: [moans]

Tom: He's taking on the entire Federation with one ship?

"I can see that you better aplogies for you insults and leave Federation Space," Marrissa said. "You can start with the treat to attack earth.

Crow: [falsetto] I say that because it would be a treat.

Then the incursion on Federation Space and ending with that comment concerning my crew."

Tom: We prefer to be called "pre-adults."

"Why should I apoligies to a child," Gul Ducet sneered. As the Gul concluded he cut off commacations and opened fire.

"Mr Alexander return the favor," Marrissa ordered. "Mr Supra evasive pattern Mozart Jupiter. Clara, prepare to match ore shields to the Cardassians."

Tom: Mike, do we have to watch this?

The Saucer section movered about evading the Cardassian ships fire by as much as 20 meters.

Tom: "Movered?" How'd this guy get into college?

Gul Ducet began to get mad at his weapons officer.

Crow: "Give me everything, just like last night!"

"Patterson take us in to the dorsal side of the Cardassian ship," Marissa ordered. "Change evassive to Morning.

Tom: Offensive to Noon and Defensive to Night.

Clara match Cardassian shields." "Sheilds matched," Clara said as they neaared the cardassian ship. "Their sheild engery is begining to follow to coarse of ours."

Mike: What?

Crow: Wow, I think "Wild World of Batwoman" made more sense than that last sentence.

"Alexander fire ventral pahsers," Marrissa ordered. "Target tropedos on their only phaser bay."

Tom: One ship. One phaser bank. And he's attacking earth? That's like trying to drive to the corner grocery store in a Yugo!

The Enterprise hit the Cardassian ship hard knocking out the engins and wepons. The Sheild remainded up but they containd both ships. The Cardasian ship was unable to respond in any more.

Tom: It was just too tuckered out.

"Alexander set phasers for light hull scoring," Marrissa ordered. "End all other firing and inscribe 'I lost to a bunch of kids' on the hull.

Mike: And give 'em a big noogie too!

Crow: A wedgie!

Mike: A wet willy!

Tom: Not to mention the dreaded "rear admiral."

All: [shudder at the mention of the dreaded rear admiral]

Open a channel when you are done."

After a moment Gul Ducet appeared on the screen. "I surrender." he said.

Captain's Log STARDATE 47072.1

Tom: Hey! They must've traveled back in time, too!

Crow: How do you get that?

Tom: Look at the Stardate. It was 47567.25 when the fanfic started.

Crow: I can't believe you noticed that.

USS Enterprise saucer section

Marrissa Floras recording.

Captain Morris and the Arizona have aarrived to take the Cardassian ship to it`s space by way of Deep Space Nine. We have resumed coarse and wil arrive about 2 hours ahead of them.

Part 7 will be posted inthe 2nd or 3rd week of Januaary. This Part will be reposted as soon as I get back from Winter Break.

Apendix A Enterprise-C Crew

Commanding Officer CMD William T. Riker

First Officer CPT Spock

Tom: Why is a Commander over a Captain?

Crow: Well, you never know with Starfleet.

Tactical LT. Worf

Chief Engineeer LT. Reginald Barclay III

Helm Westly Crusher

Apendix B Enterprise saucer section crew

Commanding officer Marrissa Floras

First Officer Jay Gordan Craig

Chief Engineer Clara Sutter

Helm Patterson Supra

OPs and Science Ro Narys

Tractical Alaxander

Looking for

Tom: Someone with writing skills?

Crow: Someone with a life?

Mike: Someone with the ability to spell?

All: DON'T CALL RATLIFF!

Foster or adoptive parents for Marrissa

Presnt sugestions inculde

votes Choice

11 Picard

5 Riker

2 Worf

1 La Forge

1 Troi (with Riker)

1 Crusher

New names to rename the Enterprise-C

Suggestions welcome.

Crow: Don't quit your day job.

Mike: Crow, that's rude.

Crow: Well, he asked!!

Stephen Ratliff

at Radford University

Tom: What he's doing there is a mystery...

email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN (and just might)

Tom: It's over! It's over!

[They exit the theater]

[Door sequence]

Tom: Oh, thank goodness that's over. What a nightmare!

Crow: Y'know, I think that was worse than "Cyborged."

Tom: I'd be inclined to agree with you, Crow.

Crow: Hey, wait. The Floras kid's parents died before she was even born. Right?

Tom: Yeah...

Crow: So, if they died before she was born, she couldn't have been born, right?

Tom: You mean...

Crow: Yep. This fanfic never happened. It's all a bad dream.

Mike: I dunno, Crow. I think you're reaching a little.

Crow: Oh, c'mon, Mike! Think about it. If Marrissa was never born, than a good part of the plot of this fanfic -

Mike: Plot?

Crow: Okay, pseudo-plot. A good part of the fanfic couldn't have happened without Marrissa, right?

Mike: Yeah...

Crow: In fact, Marrissa was so critical to the pseudo-plot that without her the fanfic wouldn't exist, would it?

Mike: But -

Crow: But nothing! Mike, I'm telling you, this fanfic never happened.

Tom: Crow, I like your reasoning. Mike, just accept it. This fanfic was nothing more than a dream, a bad dream.

Crow: A very bad dream.

Mike: Your logic's flawed, guys. You see -

[light flashes] Hang on, Wally and the Beav are calling.

[he hits the button]

Dr. F: Well, Melville, how was the fanfic?

Crow: Fanfic? Tom: What fanfic?

Dr. F: Don't try to play with my mind, lab rats. You know exactly what I mean.

Crow: We didn't get any fanfic.

Tom: [Shakes head adamantly]

Dr. F: But we know you got it! Frank, they got it, didn't they?

Frank: [wandering in from the right] Got what?

Dr. F: The fanfic!

Frank: Fanfic? What fanfic?

Dr. F: "Enterprized," by Stephen Ratliff.

Frank: Never heard of it.

Dr. F: Frank, it's bad enough with them doing this, but you?

Frank: What?

Dr. F: The fanfic, Frank.

Frank: What fanfic?

Dr. F: The fanfic we just - oh, never mind. [Turns back to camera, looks very confused] Ahem. Well, gentlemen, never mind. I'm going to go lie down for a while.

[wanders off]

[Back on the Satellite]

Crow: There, Mike, you see? It never happened. What more proof do you need?

Mike: I confess I'm at a loss for words.

[Deep 13]

Frank: Dr. Forrester, do you want your teddy bear?

Dr F: Yes, thank you, Frank. Oh, and would you push the button?

[Frank pushes the button.

Zap to black.] ZZZZZIIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!!

Frank: Ooooh, that's so nice.

Of course, all standard disclaimers apply. This MiSTing is purely for purposes of entertainment, and neither an assault on the copyrights of Best Brains nor of Paramount. Nor is this MiSTing a direct personal attack on Stephen Ratliff, the author of "Enterprized." Any disparaging comments made in this posting about Mr. Ratliff, including but not limited to his writing ability, knowledge of spelling and grammar, and his personal hygiene are not intended to be insulting in the slightest. This is all in good, clean fun.

"Seal all connecting cooridors and turbolifts, Mr Data."

"All Turbolifts cleat," Data said.

ENTERPRIZED

Part 2

The horrifying saga concludes. Herein are revealed two of the untold tales of the Satellite of Love - namely, how Mike learned about RAM chips as well as the first time Mike hears Crow's Lloyd Bridges imitation. If you're interested in doing a MiSTing yourself, email misties-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu.

[The Satellite of Love. Tom is on the counter; Crow is beside him. Gypsy is over in the corner.]

Crow: [to Tom] Feel yourself relax... let yourself drift...

Gypsy: Ommmm......

Tom: Ommmmm....

Crow: That's right, just breathe deeply and chant along with Gypsy.

Gypsy: Ommm...

Tom: Ommmmmm...

Crow: Now, you are at peace with yourself...

Gypsy: Ommm...

Tom: Ommmmmm...

Crow: Get in touch with the Ratliff in your soul...

Gypsy: Ommm...

Tom: Ommmmmm...

Crow: His name no longer causes you pain...

Gypsy: Ommm...

Tom: Ommmmmm...

Crow: Now, wake up and take a deep cleansing breath.

Tom: [snaps back to alertness] Oh, wow! Thanks, Crow! I feel so much better!

Mike: [entering] Hey, guys, what's going on?

Tom: Crow just cured me.

Mike: Hey, great! I was worried about you last time. I can't believe your head exploded just from you seeing his name.

Tom: I'm all better now. Nary a twinge.

Mike: So you don't mind if I say his name?

Tom: Nope. [to himself] No pain, no pain at all.

Mike: Okay.... Ratliff!

Tom: You mean... Stephen Ratliff?

Mike: Wow! Crow, I'm impressed!

Crow: Nothin' to it.

Mike: Listen, you think you can cure me of howling in agony every time I hear a Whitney Houston song?

Crow: Mike, bear in mind this is still a new science.

Mike: Oh. Okay. [commercial sign flashes] We'll be right back. [he hits the button]

[commercial break... Mentos ads galore]

[the Satellite]

Gypsy: Crow, I'm so impressed. You showed such skill!

Crow: Ah, it was nothing.

Gypsy: And Tom, you were so brave to confront your fear like that!

Tom: Hey, baby, sometimes a bot's gotta do what a bot's gotta do.

Mike: I'm just glad you're cured, Tom.

Tom: Me too. It's like a weight has been lifted...

[light flashes]

Crow: Hey, Targ and Puthoff are calling.

Tom: I think the weight is about to descend again.

[Mike hits the button]

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Hello, Moroni. Are you ready for this week's invention exchange?

[Satellite]

Mike: I sure am. You remember those magic tricks you had as a kid, where you put in a blank piece of paper, turned a crank, and got a dollar bill? Oh, sure, they weren't real, but we had fun pretending.

[Deep 13]

Frank: They weren't real?

[SOL] Mike: Anyway, my invention works on a similar concept. [Mike shows a huge version of one of those magic tricks] I call it the Crichtonograph. You put a ream of blank paper in one end, and a novel spills out the other end! [he demonstrates] And the best part is, it'll make you rich and famous! Of course, it doesn't mean the book'll be any good, but then, you can't have anything.

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Interesting, Merriweather. We seem to be on the same wavelength this week. Our invention, however, is based on those magic tricks where you put in a dollar bill and get back a blank piece of paper. We call this evil little device... the Ratliffer!

[Frank, at keyboard, makes a dramatic chord as Dr. F. whips the sheet off of the Ratliffer. It looks exactly like Mike's Crichtonograph, only it's neon green while Mike's is red.]

Dr. F: Yes, all you do with the Ratliffer is put a good fanfic in at one end, turn the crank, and out comes a putrid, poorly-written, ungrammatical nightmare worthy of Stephen Ratliff. Frank, would you demonstrate?

Frank: Sure, Steve. Here [he holds up a fanfic] is Michael Franz's excellent work, "Synchronicity." It's a Dr. Who / Next Generation crossover fanfic. It's well-written, conforms to all laws of grammar, contains actual character development and it's a good story. Now, we just throw it in... [he puts the fanfic in and turns the crank] ... and we get [dramatic flourish] "Cyborged" by Simon Jerram, based on ideas by Dave Yadalee!

[SOL]

All: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Tom: My God, have you no sense of decency?

Crow: That's not funny, that's sick!

Mike: That was the most evil thing I've ever seen.

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: [sincerely flattered] Thank you, thank you very much. [he turns brusque] Well, it was only a matter of time before Stephen Ratliff once again took to the keyboard. I gave you a polite warning, and now you get the real thing. I give you... the conclusion of "Enterprized."

[SOL]

Crow: Remember, Tom, no pain. No pain.

Gypsy: Ommmm....

Tom: Ommm...

Crow: No pain.

Tom: No pain!

[fanfic sign flashes]

Mike & Crow: Ahhhh!! We've got fanfic sign!

Tom: AHHHHH!!! PAIN!!!

[Door sequence]

[They enter the theater]

Crow: Once more into the breach, guys.

Tom: [to himself] No pain. No pain.

alt.startrek.creative #8912 (0 + 17 more) [1]
From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
[1] TNG Enterprized part 07

Tom: Crow, your little treatment is a fraud. I just felt pain!

Crow: Just relax, take deep cleansing breaths... Om...

Tom: Ommm....

Crow: Ommmmm...

Tom: Ommmmmmm...

Organization: Radford University
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
Date: Wed Jan 19 09:52:04 CST 1994
Lines: 77

It's finally here part 07

Tom: Well, there's still some pain, but I feel a little better.

Mike: In that case, guys, could you cut down the "Om"ing? It's giving me a headache.

Crow: Yeah, sure,

Mike. Tom...?

Tom: I'll be fine. [to himself] No pain. No pain.

E N T E R P R I Z E D

by Stephen Ratliff

part 07-------

Tom: OUCH!!

Chapter Six

Captain's Log STARDATE 37571.5 USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D stardrive

Tom: StarDRIVE?

Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording

Mike: [Picard voice] Diane, it's seven twenty-three am. I just rolled out of bed, and I'm going to have breakfast with Dr. Crusher. I'm eagerly awaiting that morning cup of coffee. I love coffee, Diane -

Crow: Mike, I think you need to switch to decaf.

Having acoplished all of our objectives,

Tom: And massacred all mechanics of the English language,

we have met the Enterprise-C and are about to return to our time.

Mike: This is our time.

The Enterprise-C shot forward unseen except for the alst second before time travel when it was surounded by sparks.

Tom: I think that's a band from Seattle.

Crow: No, it's a fabric softener!

Tom: Band from Seattle!

Crow: Fabric softener!

Mike: Calm down, you too. Sparks is a band from Seattle and a fabric softener.

Tom: Really?

Mike: No.

The Federations leading design engineer was passing by in a small runabout.

Crow: Where the hell did that sentence come from?

He was also at the helm when the Enterprise-D repeated the manuever.

Mike: Boy, that design engineer really gets around.

The Enterprises C&D decloaked. "Captain there is a battle going on to the starboard," Yarr said.

"On Screen," Picard replied.

Crow: No, to starboard!

A constution class starship was battling two romulan warships. "I think we have a problem," Ensign Ro said looking at the screen.

Tom: [falsetto] We're going to fall through the holes in the plot!

"How so?" Picard said.

"That's the Enterprise-A," Ros replied. "It's the starship in the Federation Starship museum."

"Then we better make sure it gets there," Picard said.

Crow: Look, you've traveled in time, you see, and - oh, never mind.

"Take us in Ro. Yarr as Riker to do the same."

Mike: "Yar as Riker?" Crow: Breaking gender conceptions, maybe.

"He is already doing so," Yarr replied.

Tom: Oh, please, not another Ratliffian battle scene!

"Ah, Mr Spock."

Crow: Where'd Nurse Chapel come from?

"Spock analyst of the ships that just arrived," James T. Kirk asked.

Mike: Well, they're really really big. . .

"There are no ships matching their desciption in our data banks," Spock said as the Enterprise-A took another hit.

Crow: I wonder how many the author took before writing this?

"However their markings identify them as the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C and the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D."

Tom: What, Kirk can't read the names of the ships?

"MR Checkov don't worry about the newcomers," Kirk ordered.

Mike: Unless they get near salt water.

"Fire phasers."

Even as Kirk gave the order the romulans turned toward the Enterprises C&D.

Crow: [Kirk voice] Dammit, Spock, I wasn't *talking* to the Romulans!

However the more advanced weapons and shields of the Galaxy class and Ambassitor class ships were more than a match for there assult.

Tom: Against Stephen's own particular brand of English, however, they never stood a chance.

Ther Romulans were dispatched in short order.

Crow: [voice of short order cook] I got an order of Romulans, pick it up!

"Hail the other Enterprises, Uhura," Kirk ordered.

Tom: I take it Stephen enjoyed "Parallels..."

"Both Enterprises responding," Uhura replied

"Put them on screen," Kirk said. Captain Picard and Commander Riker appeared on

Crow: Broadway!

All: [hum show-tune music]

the screen. "I am Admiral James T. Kirk of the Federation starship Enterprise NCC-1701-A. And you are?"

Tom: Miserable to be stuck here.

"Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise NCC-1701-D. My first officer Commander Willaim T. Riker is presently in command of the Enterprise NCC-1701-C."

Commander Riker nodded.

Tom: Off to sleep.

"What are you doing in STARDATE 9530?" Kirk asked.

"We took a wrong turn at

Mike: Albequerque?

STARDATE 37570 on our way back to STARDATE 47576," Picard replied. "I believe we can help you," Kirk responded. "Spock transmit the correct coarse speed weight formula." Spock got to work.

Tom: Just one Spock wasn't enough for Stephen. Nooo, he had to have the old Spock and the new Spock.

Crow: At least it shows a Spock of imagination.

Tom: Band from Seattle!

Crow: Fabric softener!

"I assume you wish this incendent be classified."

"Yes," Picard said, "If possisble forgotten."

Tom: I wish.

"I'll do my best," Kirk said

Tom: And do your duty to God and country and obey the law of the pack.

"Enterprise-A out."

Crow: And it's a hard right to the jaw! Enterprise A is out!

Tom: Crow, I think you're over-using that joke.

Next posting sometime in the next 4 days.

Tom: Oh, great.

Comments welcome and requested.

Mike: Your wish is our command.

parts 01-07 available via email

Stephen Ratliff at Radford University

email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu

Next Posting : Why Sela thought her mother was dead.

Tom: Plus, who really shot J.R.! Stay tuned! Ok, guys, let's go...

[They get up to exit]

Mike: How you holding up there, Tom?

Tom: Okay. I'm okay.

Crow: I told you it would work, Tom.

[The group exits the theater]

[Door sequence]

[SOL, the bridge]

Mike: Hey, you guys haven't seen my copy of "Imzadi," have you?

Tom: Oh, Mike, reading Peter David again? He's a hack!

Crow: Aw, you're just saying that 'cause you hated "The Seige."

Tom: It was hideous!

Crow: Are you kidding? That book was incredible! It's almost as good as "Road House!"

Tom: I rest my case.

Mike: Tom, Peter David is actually pretty good. "The Seige" was sub-par for him, and that's unfortunate, but you can't let that one book ruin him for you. Hey, you liked "Alien Nation," so why not try reading #3, "Body and Soul?" It's pretty good.

Tom: No way. Look, you said, "Tom, you should really try reading a Trek novel. They're actually pretty good." I agree, and Crow hands me this piece of cow poop -

Crow: Hey! Mike: Hang on, I'm gonna go look in the theater. [He exits.]

Crow: "The Seige" is not cow poop! I'm telling you, it's almost as good as "Road House."

Tom: Well, there we agree.

Crow: Yeah. [pause] Huh?

Mike: [from off-camera] OW!

Crow: What the heck was that?

Tom: It sounded like Mike. Hey Mike, you okay?

Mike: [enters holding his head. He has a jar full of RAM chips.]

Crow: WOW! Mike, where'd you -

Tom: [sotto voce, to Crow] Shhhh!! Let me do the talking. [to Mike] Mike, what happened?

Mike: Well, as I was going into the theater, I tripped on that grate...

Tom: The one you have to carry me over?

Mike: Yeah, that one. Anyway, a corner was loose, and I tripped on it.

Crow: So where'd you -

Tom: Shhh! [to Mike] What's in the jar?

Mike: I dunno. Looks like RAM chips.

[Crow smacks his lips]

Tom: [whisper] Quiet, Crow. [to Mike] Where'd you find them?

Mike: In the grate. I wonder what they were doing there.

Crow: [whispers] That must be where Joel was hiding them!

Tom: [whispers] Shhh! [to Mike] Ohh, I know. We ran out of room in the closet, so we had to put them down there for safekeeping. I guess we just forgot about them.

Mike: Weird. What do you use them for?

[Pause]

Tom: Oh, er, lots of things.

Crow: Yeah, lots of things. [Smacks lips, whispers] Yum!

Tom: Er... [laughs nervously; nudges Crow] Listen, Mike, why don't you give them to me? I know where to put 'em.

Mike: Tom, you don't have any functional arms.

Tom: Crow can help me!

Crow: Yeah! I can help! Yeah yeah yeah!!!

Mike: Hmm. Well, in that case, here you go. [he puts the RAM chips on the counter] I'm gonna go check my room for my book. [he exits]

[Crow & Tom watch him go. When he is long gone, they turn to each other and laugh maniacally. The laughter continues as commercial sign flashes. Crow falls forward (still laughing) and hits the button. The maniacal laughter continues into commercial fadeout.]

[commercial break - what are you, plant life?]

[SOL, back on the bridge. Tom and Crow are sprawled on the console. The empty RAM chip jar is on its side on the console.]

Tom: Oooooooohhhh.....

Crow: ohhhhhhhhhh...

[a brief pause]

Tom: Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh....... Crow: oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

[another brief pause]

Tom: I think I'm going to be sick.

Crow: UCK! [turns over and retches]

Tom: Oooooooooooohhhhh.....

Crow: [retches again]

[Mike walks in]

Mike: What the -?

Tom: Oogh...

Crow: Uck. Ick. Argh. [Retches again]

Mike: What happened, guys?

Tom: We ate... all the RAM chips.

Mike: Oh. [pause] Is that bad?

Tom: YES!! Yes, dammit, it IS bad!! Why didn't you stop us, guide us, say "No, if you eat all the RAM chips you'll get sick!"

Mike: I didn't know.

Tom: This isn't a game, Mike. This is indigestion.

Crow: [Retches again]

Mike: Hang on, I'll get some Pepto-Bismol.

[He runs off, just as the Mads call. Crow retches again, and accidentally hits the button].

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: What in the name of George Bush?

[SOL]

[Tom and Crow are both retching]

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: I've done it! I've done it! Frank, look! I've done it!

Frank: Done what?

Dr. F: I gave them a fanfic that actually made them physically ill! [gets faraway look in his eyes] Oh, the papers... the conferences... the tenure! Frank, this is wonderful!

[SOL]

Mike: [pouring the pink stuff down Crow's throat] Don't get all excited, sirs. They just ate too many RAM chips.

Tom: Hey, hurry up with that Pepto, Mike! I need the one that coats!

[Deep 13] Dr. F: [hyperventilates]

Frank: Don't worry, Steve. Ratliff will make them puke yet.

Dr. F: I know... I know... [laughs maniacally]

[SOL]

[Crow is lying back in Pepto-Bismol induced bliss. Mike is giving Tom Pepto by putting the pink stuff on his own finger, then sliding the finger into Tom's mouth, reminiscent of Olivier & Dustin Hoffman in "Marathon Man."]

Tom: More. [Mike gives more.] More. [Mike gives more.] [light flashes] Fanfic sign. [Mike gives more.] Fanfic sign. [Mike gives more.] Fanfic sign!

Mike: AHHH!! Fanfic sign!

Crow: I'm gonna puke again! [retches]

[Door sequence]

Mike: [to Crow] You gonna be okay, honey?

Crow: Yeah, I think so.

alt.startrek.creative #8969 (7 more) [1]
From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)

Crow: [retches]

Tom: Hey, relax, Crow. It *is* the beginning of the end, after all.

Crow: ARRGH! I'm gonna kill you!

Tom: Hee hee.

Mike: Well, you must be feeling better.

Tom: Yep. Much. Y'know, I actually feel kinda hungry.. I could really go for some RAM chips...

Crow: [retches]

Tom: Hee hee hee! Hey, this is fun!

[1] Enterprized part 08
Organization: Radford University
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
Date: Fri Jan 21 15:06:22 CST 1994
Lines: 90

Crow: Tom, so help me, if you even mention...

Tom: What, RAM chips?

Crow: [retches]

E N T E R P R I Z E D

by Stephen Ratliff

part 08------------

Crow: [pleadingly] Mike, make him stop!

Mike: Tom, I think Crow's suffered enough.

Tom: I was just getting even with him for the whole Ratliff thing.

Mike: Yeah, I know. That's enough now, okay?

Tom: Okay. Sorry, Crow.

Crow: Not another mention of those things, okay?

Mike: Okay. Neither Tom nor I will mention RAM chips -

[Crow retches] Oh, sorry, Crow.

Crow: I hate you both.

Chapter Seven

When the Enterprise-D arrived, Data checked a nearby beacon. after confirming

Tom: Their reservations at Milliways...

Crow: Ooooh...

Mike: Tom, no food jokes either, okay?

that they weere indeed in STARDATE 46576, Picard ordered bothe Enterprises to decloak.

Tom: Why are they coming back to a stardate after they left?

Crow: They don't fully grasp the possibilities of time travel.

Shortly after this was done the Enterprise-D detected an incoming Romulan warbird. "RED ALERT, BATTLE STATIONS," Picard ordered as the Romulan crossed into Federation space. "Lt. Yarr inform Starfleet of

Crow: [Picard voice] - my immediate retirement. Get me a shuttle; I'm out of here.

the Romulan incursion."

"The Romulans are hailing us, sir," Tasha Yarr said.

"On Screen," Picard said as Captain Sela appeared on screen.

Mike: That's only supposed to happen after he says "On screen."

Tom: You're so picky. You read rec.arts.startrek.tech, don't you?

Mike: Only sometimes.

Crow & Tom: Sheesh!

Tasha Yarr looked puzzled.

Tom: [falsetto] Gee, I wonder why this Romulan looks just like me? Hmm, she's blond too. That's odd.

"Captain Sela what brings you to Federation space."

Crow: [falsetto] A Romulan warbird.

It suddenly dawned on Tasha that this woman was her daughter.

Crow: I wonder what her first clue was?

Tom: Well, how many Romulans are there who one, are blond, two, look exactly like her, and three, have the same name as her daughter?

Mike: It was probably just a lucky guess.

Tom: You're probably right.

"I have reason to believe that you have invaded Romulan space," Captain Sela replied.

Mike: Hey, that was a while ago. I think the statute of limitations has run out by now.

"Taken a Romulan warprize, captured 15 Romulan officers... and..." Sela trailed off as she finally noticed her mother standing at tactical. She went white.

Tom: Whiter than normal, that is.

Taking advantage of Sela's break in aaccusations, Picard said, "I will gladly return your

Crow: Affections.

officers. But as for the Enterprise-C, retrieving stolen property is not a crime even on Romulas."

Mike: No, but it is an act of war...

"Captain, Perhaps Sela would be more comfortable if she came aboard," Tasha Yarr interrupted. "It would allow her to statisfy herself that the Romulan officers were well treated."

Mike: Ripped out of their proper place in space and time, but well treated.

"Excellent idea, Luietenant," Picard said. "Would you beam aboard Captain?"

Crow: Sure. They beam you around with no problems.

Mike: Not "a bored Captain," "aboard Captain."

Crow: Oh. That too.

"Of Coarse, Sela Out."

Crow: The ref is signaling that the fight is over!

Tom: STOP that! It's almost as annoying as your Lloyd Bridges imitation!

Mike: Crow, I didn't know you had a Lloyd Bridges imitation.

Crow: Sure do! [Lloyd Bridges voice] By this time, my lungs were aching for air!

Mike: [laughing] That's great! I love it!

Tom: Oh, god.

Tasha Yarr met her daughter in the transporter room. The first words out of her mouth were, "How come you are not dead?"

Tom: Oh, cripes. Read the FAQ.

"Lets compare notes," Tasha said. "I was beamed from the shuttle craft on STARDATE 37571 at about 0900 hours what happened to you after that?"

All: WHOAH!

Mike: When did that happen?

Crow: Maybe there's a part of the fanfic that Stephen hasn't shown us.

Tom: I hope it stays that way.

"They had thrown me out of the shuttle," Sela said. "I hit a stalagtite and blacked out.

Mike: You guys remember any of this?

Tom: Nope.

Crow: Uh-uh.

The next thing I remember you were sitting by me as I woke up.

Crow: [falsetto] I had such a dream! And you - and you - and you were there!

A couple days later you took me in a clothes basket and tried to escape. I screemed, they captured us and killed you on the spot."

Tom: "Screemed?"

"Daughter you have been had," Tasha said. "The put you in a holodeck and made you think that I hadn't suceeded."

"Wait intill I get my hands on father!" Sela fummed.

Mike: An Electra complex?

Tom: Okay, I'd like to nominate "fummed" as the funniest Ratliff misspelling yet.

Crow: Hey, Tom! You made two grammar flames in a row - you're gonna lose your RAM chips - urk! [retches]

Tom: Gotcha! Hey, I see you've been reading alt.tv.mst3k!

Mike: We have a USENET group?

Tom: Mike, don't shout.

Mike: I'm not shouting, I - oh, never mind.

"Calm down Sela," Lt. Yarr said. "You've inherted the famous Yarr temper.

Crow: Not to mention the famous Yar overacting.

Mike: Hey, Tom, what about the way he constantly misspells the names of major characters?

Tom: Hmm. I'll take that into consideration.

Crow: You guys are gonna lose your [dry heaves] ulp. Almost got me again, Servo.

Lets get your officers back into Romulan hands.

Tom: [falsetto] So they can see their children all grown up and their loved ones old and withered.

Romulan Government will want to reward two of them. These two killed an officer each." She pointed to two names on the PADD she was carrying

Tom: Actually, Peter David is starting to look pretty good right about now.

Mike: I found "Imzadi," if you want to borrow it.

"Anyone I know?" Sela asked.

"Just the parents of the girl the Captain left in command of the saucer section."

Mike: They orphaned a kid. Naturally, they became heroes.

As Yarr completed the statement The Romulan officers began arriving two security officer to each romulan. The officers were beamed abroad

Tom: What, an exchange student program all of a sudden?

the Romulan warbird in silence. Finally It was just Sela, Tasha and a transporter operator again.

"Mom, are you staying on the Enterprise-D," Sela asked

"No, Worf is chief of security now and I don't want to subplant him," Tasha said. "I will problely be posted on the Renamed Enterprise-C."

Crow: After being debriefed.

Mike: [falsetto] I will not be stamped, filed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered.

Tom: [falsetto] I am not a number, I am a free woman!

"Please write or send word to me if you can I don't want to have to go up against you," Sela said

Mike: Oh, cool! A Machiavellian twist! Sela abuses her mother's love to get secret information about troop movements from the Federation!

Crow: Mike, aren't you reading a little too much into this?

"I'll try," Tasha said. "Now chould you do a little mail delivery for the federation. A letter to Admiral Jeric's wife and daughter and to your father."

Crow: [falsetto] Dammit, Mom, I'm a Romulan, not a postal worker!

"I'll try," Sela replied, "but I doubt that father will read it but the other letter will be well received."

Sela stepped up on to the transporter disk and said, "Good by, Mom, entergize." As sela beamed out a tear chould be seen runing down he cheek.

Tom: [sniffles]

Crow: Oh, geez. You've gotta be kidding, Tom.

Tom: [sniffling again] I'm sorry. I was just affected by the beauty of this moment.

Crow: Sheesh.

One more part and this story is done

All: YEA!!!!!

Sorry about the disjoinedness and a little bit to much craming thing in here but This is my first attempt at writing

Tom: English?

fiction.

Tom: Oh. In any case, it shows.

Crow: Wait. This is his first attempt at fiction, right?

Mike: That's what he said.

Crow: So... maybe... Tom: You don't think - nah. Couldn't be.

Mike: What?

Crow: Hang on, I'll tell all in a minute.

My Next Story (written over Christmas break) A Gul's Revenge will follow as soon as this one is complete.

All: AUUGGGHHHH!!!!!

Crow: Makes me wish this one would never end.

A promo follows the next post.

Still looking for comments and suggestions

Tom: Not to mention a clue...

Stephen Ratliff at Radford U.

email: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu

Next Part : What ever happened to the saucer and the kids crew

All: Who cares?

Conclusion

Tom: Let's get out before it starts up again.

[they exit]

[Bridge of the Satellite of Love]

Crow: Not since JFK has there been such a stunning expose of the Kennedy conspiracy!

Mike: What do you mean?

Crow: What do I mean? What do I mean? I'll tell you what I mean!

Tom: So tell us already!

Crow: You're ruining my buildup.

Tom: Oh. Sorry.

Crow: What I mean is this. The bicycle will never replace the horse. On the other hand, the horse will never replace the bicycle. Which is quite a horse on a bicycle if I ever saw one, and I don't think I ever saw one.

Tom: Crow, you're spouting Marxist philosophy!

Crow: I'm sorry! I'm just so darn excited!

Mike: About what?

Crow: Joe McGinniss is a pen name.

Tom: [gasps]

Mike: You mean -

Crow: YES! Stephen Ratliff wrote "The Last Brother!"

[Dramatic chord]

[A moment's pause]

Mike: Crow, that's a pretty dramatic accusation.

Tom: Yeah, Crow. I hope you have some proof.

Crow: Proof? Oh, do I ever have proof! [He paces about as he speaks.] Exhibit A: "The Last Brother" is a crappy unauthorized biography, and "Enterprized" is a crappy unauthorized fanfic.

Tom: Pure coincidence!

Crow: [dramatic turn] Is it? Exhibit B: Both authors don't use a middle name!

Mike: I dunno, Crow...

Crow: Just wait! Exhibit C: Both authors are right-handers!

Tom: You're guessing!

Crow: You're right! Exhibit D: Both authors brush their teeth!

Mike: I hope so.

[commercial sign flashes, Mike hits it]

[fade to commercial. Over the fade we hear Crow shout: "Exhibit E!"]

[commercial break- It's the stooory of Jack, the great pumpkin king]

[SOL - the bridge]

[Crow is still going strong. Mike, however, has his head resting in his hands and his elbows resting on the console. Tom is asleep, leaning on Mike for support]

Crow: Exhibit X: Because I say so! Exhibit - hey, where was I?

Mike: Huh?

Crow: Shoot. I guess I have to start over. Exhibit A -

Mike: No, that's okay, Crow. You made your point.

Crow: And...?

Mike: And I have to wake up Tom. [he shakes Tom gently]

Tom: Huh? What? Oh, hi guys. I had the weirdest dream.

Mike: What?

Tom: I dreamt Stephen Ratliff shot JFK.

Crow: AHA! There is a connection! I knew it!

Tom: What?

Crow: I knew it! I knew I was right! Hahaha! [Crow runs off babbling]

Mike: Weird.

[fanfic sign flashes]

Tom: Fanfic sign, Mike.

Mike: Hey, Crow! C'mon! Fanfic sign!

[Door sequence]

[Mike carries Tom in; Crow follows a few moments later.]

Crow: Sorry, guys. Just had to get all that out of my system.

Tom: Crow, sometimes I wonder about you. Other times, I'm sure.

alt.startrek.creative #8980 (1 + 14 more) [1]
From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)

Tom: This is it, the home stretch!

[1] Enterprized part 09
Organization: Radford University
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
Date: Sat Jan 22 13:29:03 CST 1994
Lines: 129

This is the final post of Enterprized.

All: YEA!!!!!

A promo for A Gul's Revenge will follow.

All: BOOOO!!!!!!!

And now the conclusion

All: YEAAAA!!!!!!!

E N T E R P R I Z E D

by Stephen Ratliff

part 09--------

All: BOOOO!!!

Chapter Eigth

Captain's Log STARDATE 46573.72

USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D saucer section

Marrissa Floras Recording

We have arrived at Deep Space Nine. However it keeps cutting off our attempts to get premision to dock.

Crow: No kids or cute robots - EVER!

Tom: That's Babylon 5.

Crow: Well, there are so many similarities...

"Is Deep Space Nine still not responding to our requests to dock," Marrissa asked.

Mike: Beats me. Read your log and find out.

"Yes," Jay Gordon yawned.

"Open a channel to Commander Sisko," Marrissa ordered. "I'll take it in my ready room. Patterson you have the bridge. Jay go get some sleep. You've been on this bridge for 15 hours." Jay hesitated.

Mike: [whiny kid voice] But I'm not tired!

"Go to bed."

Mike: [same whiney kid voice] Yes, Mom.

Marrissa entered the ready room. She sat down behind the desk and actavated the desk screen. Commander Benjiman Sisko appeared on the screen.

Crow: DS9 will not escape this fanfic unscathed.

"This is Commander Sisko of Deep Space Nine," he said. "What are you doing interfering with commications. I am ..."

"Commander, I suggest that you let me introduce myself before you try to scold me," Marrissa interrupted. "I am Marrissa Floras,

Tom: [Sisko imitation] Floras, Floras...

Acting Captain, starship Enterprise saucer section.

Tom: [Sisko voice] Oh, THAT Floras!

Now can we dock?"

All: NO!

"Excuse my mistake, dock at upper pylon 2," Sisko said. "How did you get command of the Enterprise saucer section?"

Crow: Through a contrived plot.

"The other crewmembers were needed on a mission with which they chould only take the stardrive section," Marrissa supplied. "I got command by my 21 minute kobayshi Maru time."

"Very impressive. Just how old are you?"

Crow: [Sisko imitation] Are you over 18? I'm a lonely man -

Mike: HEY!

"12. The Arizona will arriving here soon with the Cardassian we captured on our way here." "You captured an Cardassian ship on your way here!"

Mike: No, just a Cardassian.

"Yes, Gul Ducat's. He should see what side of the broder he is on before he tries to capture ships."

Tom: He did know he was in - oh, it's a joke.

Crow: Ha.

"Thanks for the imformation. The Arizona is on sensors now. DS9 out."

Tom: So help me God, Crow, if you say it-

Crow: [right on top of Tom] DS9 is out! New champion - Babylon 5!

Tom: ARRRGH!!! The first episode hasn't even aired yet!

Gul Ducat entered Commander Sisko's office. "Feeling homesick again?" Sisko asked.

Mike: Huh? What is that supposed to mean?

"No, thanks for asking," Ducat said. "I demand that the present command crew of the Enterprise saucer section be handed over to Cardassian for justice."

"On what charges?" Commander Sisko asked.

Tom: Running in the halls, throwing paper airplanes...

"Attacking a Cardassian warship."

"I'm afraid I can't do that," Sisko smiled. "Especailly since they had every right to do so."

"What rights?"

"You were in Federation territory."

Mike: [Gul Ducat voice] Oh, yeah. I forgot.

"Navagational error. Not a reason to fire on a ship."

Tom: Tell that to the crew of the USS Stark.

"No, it isn't but I'm not finshed," Sisko returned. "You fired on them." "Accidental discharge."

Crow: [Sisko voice] Try thinking about baseball. Worked for me.

"You asked them to surrender," Sikso responed. "They refused. You fired again. They returned fire. Your ship was disabled.

Tom: That's a brief recap of "Enterprized, part 6" for those who came in late.

You deserve every thing you got right down to the the inscription

Tom: "the the inscription?"

Crow: Oh, God, I'm having flashbacks here...

'I lost to a bunch of kids' on your hull. Now I suggest you and Cardassia better find a way to apologize for your tready vololations. Now I've got a party at Quark's for the Enterprise crew to attend." Commander Sisko left his office and Ops. Left behind him Gul Ducat pondered the mess he got him self into.

Tom: [Waylon Jennings voice] Well, while ol' Gul Ducat was ponderin', the rest of the cast was partyin' down at Boss Quark's fine establishment.

Captain's Personal Log STARDATE 47576.1

USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C

Commander William T. Riker recording

Having arrived at DS9 2 hours ago I went to find young Marrissa to inform her of her parents deaths. I found her talking to Jake Sisko on the upper area of the Promenade. She walk a few paces away with me when I said I had

Crow: [Riker voice] A piece of candy for her.

something to tell her. When I informed her of her parents deaths she rushed down the promenade and back to her command.

Mike: [falsetto] Mom & Dad are dead? Oh, well, back to work!

In the process she brushed me knocking me off balance. Chief O'Brien had been replacing the guard rails in the area and there was nothing to prevent me from falling on to the lower level. Quark, the operator of the local gambling assablishment, was walking below and I fell on him

All: [laugh uproariously and point]

Tom: Nothing like a little slapstick in a Trek fanfic.

Both of Us spent an hour with Dr Bashir.

Crow: Riker's in the S.E.F.E.B.?

Captain's Log Stardate 47576.1

USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D stardrive

Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Our journey to Deep Space Nine has been delayed. A Feringi trading vessel had a warp engine problem which required our assistance.

Tom: Will it ever end?

T H E     E N D

All: YEEAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Tom: [Jubilant] Let's get out of here!

[They get up]

And Now a promo for

A   G U L ' S   R E V E N G E

All: BOOOOO!!!!!! [They sit back down.]

"Captain, hail from Deep Space Nine," Lt. Yarr said.

Mike: [Picard voice] No, I hail from France.

"On Screen," Picard said. Commander Sisko appeared on the main veiwscreen. "What can I do for you Commander?"

Crow: [Sisko voice] Some french onion soup would really be nice.

"The Cardassians are semding a dozen warships toward Bajor," Sisko said. "ETA 2 hours. You are the senior commander in the area."

"Yarr, cloak us," Picard ordered.

Mike: [Picard voice] We're gonna run like hell!

"What ship do we have?

Tom: It's called the Enterprise. Maybe you've heard of it.

And do those ship have any problems?"

Crow: Poor writing.

"The Roanoke, our patrol ship this month;

Crow: It vanished, leaving only the word "Croatoan" carved into an asteroid.

the Galaxy, which doesn't even have a skeleton crew;

Crow: Stephen King?

the Enterprise-C; the Arizona; the Surak, it's due to come in in 20 minutes for a quick supply stop and return to the Gamma Quad.; and your saucer section," Sisko said. A PADD was handed to him from off screen.

Tom: If it's "The Seige," don't read it!

"I've just been informed we, The United Federation of Planets Congress (reading from the PADD) declare war on the Cardassian Empire after attacks on Vulcan, Risa, Betazed and numerous starships." "So It has come to that has it," Picard said

Coming soon to alt.startrek.creative

Tom: That was a threat.

Notes on Enterprized I know this isn't the usual place for it but

Crow: I'd like too perfrom a song and dance numbur.

Tom: Why all the misspellings?

Crow: It's my Ratliff imitation.

this story is dedicated to my brother Phillip who told me that they should always go right back to the correct time.

All: HUH?

I hope you enjoyed Enterprized.

Tom: A wish for all the masochists in the audience...

As always coments welcome.

All: Thaaaaaank you!

Stephen Ratliff at Radford University

email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu

Tom: That's it! It's over!

All: YEAAAAA!!!

[They dance around a bit, then exit the theater]

[The bridge of the SOL]

Tom: I have never been so glad to see the end of a fanfic.

Crow: Remember, we've still got "A Gul's Revenge" coming someday

soon.

Tom: I know, I know... but right now, all I feel is joy!

[Music starts]

Crow: I smell a song coming on!

Tom: [sings, tune is roughly that of "The Minstrel Boy"]
This fanfic to the winds has gone;
In /dev/null now you'll find it.
Stephen spelled ev'ry word wrong,
and made grammar flamers excited.
"Enterprized" was truly bad,
that in faith I grant ye.
But now it's done, there is no more;
so let us all be happy. Crow: [sings]
Stephen, now to you I sing,
to you I turn attention.
The awful plot, next to your weak
writing skills must take mention.
I hope that you will end your work,
and listen to the net.mob.
Hearken well to what we say,
and please don't quit your day job.

Mike: [sings]
So now we end our little song,
We thank you all for listening.
We hope your lives are happy and long,
and that you grab the brass ring.
USENET, we are sorry for
the burden heaped upon you.
May you heal from Ratliff's sore,
And Jerram and Yadalee's also.

All: [sing]
And Jerram and Yadalee's also!

Mike: What do you think, sirs?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Oh, don't worry about Stephen Ratliff, Milliways - we've arranged for him to win the lottery so he can spend all his time writing.

[SOL]

All: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: [laughs maniacally] I love to hear them scream.

[SOL]

[Mike & the bots are screaming, but suddenly come to a screeching halt]

Mike: Hey, sirs, I was wondering. If your invention can turn a good fanfic into Ratliff-esque material, what would happen if you put Ratliff into it?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: [looks uncomfortable] Macaroon, there are simply some things that man was not meant to know.

[SOL]

Mike: I think you're chicken.

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: I am not!

[SOL]

[Mike folds his arms and says nothing. Tom & Crow make chicken noises.]

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: [Looks very flustered and indecisive. Finally he grabs a hardcopy of "Enterprized," puts it in the machine, and turns the crank. He picks up the result and scrutinizes it.] Hmm.

[SOL]

Mike: Well?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: It's something called "The Seige," by Peter David.

[SOL]

[Crow's mouth is hanging open]

Tom: See? I told you so!

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: The machine must have malfunctioned. [flips through "The Seige"] Still...

Frank: Oooh, "The Seige!" That's my absolute favorite PAD novel! [he grabs it and flips through it]

Dr. F: [snatching "The Siege"] Push the button, Frank.

Frank: [looks sullen, walks over to the controls and pushes the button.]

Credits:

This MiSTing is by David Hines. The original fanfic "Enterprized" is by Stephen Ratliff. Disclaimers: Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a copyright of Best Brains. "Star Trek," "Star Trek: The Next Generation," "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and all related characters are copyrighted by Paramount. I am not trying to infringe on any copyrights or trademarks. Nor is this MiSTing a personal attack on Mr. Stephen Ratliff. All disparaging remarks made about him in this post are made for entertainment purposes only, meant in jest, and not intended to cause Mr. Ratliff any personal psychic trauma. Nor do I bear any personal animosity toward Peter David, whose novel "Body and Soul" for the "Alien Nation" series was actually pretty good. If you're interested in doing a MiSTing yourself, email misties-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu.

sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu:David Hines dzhines@midway.uchicago.edu sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu:

It suddenly dawned on Tasha that this woman was her daughter.