Compiler's Note & Content Warning:

Hey there, it's ya girl, Lufty.

I've never had to do this before, but I just want to give a head's up that while nothing explicitly explicit happens in the fanfic you are about to read, and the author of the fanfic probably didn't intend anything that could be read in terms of absolutely grotesque sexual violence...

The fanfic is still really kinda icky.

You've been warned.

"Keep circulating the fics!"

--Lufty

[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G ]

[SoL]

[Crow is tied spread-eagled, upside down on a frame in the background. Tom, holding a remote control stands in the foreground.]

TOM: Ready?

CROW: Go for it!

[Electric shock noises. Crow shudders as high voltage courses through his body. The lights dim momentarily.]

TOM: Well?

CROW: Good, but not great.

TOM: Okay, I'll go to... the third level!

[Louder electric shock noise. Joel stands, appearing on camera in front of the bots.]

JOEL: Hi, I'm Joel Robinson, and these are my kooky bots --

TOM: Ready?

CROW: Gimmie the juice, mammajamma!

[Even louder electric shock noise. Lights flicker.]

JOEL: -- Tom and Crow, who are... [Joel looks befuddled] Say, what are you doing?

TOM: Oh, we applied simple Boolean logic to the phrase "No pain, no gain."

CROW: That's right! Tom said if you set it to NOT (pain) = NOT (gain), and then invert it, you can prove that pain is gain!

TOM: And we figure Crow here is in for a lot of gain! Ready?

CROW: Gimmie Level 5!

[Joel hastens over and snatches the remote from Tom.]

JOEL: Guys... I don't think you should be doing this.

CROW: Why not?

TOM: You can't argue with math, Joel.

JOEL: Well, actually, the claim that there's no gain without pain doesn't imply that all pain is gainful. If you picture a Venn diagram with "Pain" as a big circle and "Gain" as a smaller circle inside it, you can see what I mean.

TOM: Why'd you have to tell him?

JOEL: Shame on you, Tom Servo.

CROW: Oh, I knew that.

TOM: Uh... you did?

CROW: Sure. Now gimmie Level 5!

[Tom and Joel look at one another for a long moment. The commercial sign starts to flash.]

TOM: Uhm.

JOEL: We'll be right back.

[Commercials. Consume! Consume!]

[Back to the SoL. Joel is bandaging Crow while Tom finishes a conversation.]

TOM: Well, all kidding aside, I think Shatner did some excellent work in "The Tenth Level -"

[Communication light starts flashing. Tom gets it.]

DR. F: Why, if it isn't Algernon and the Stainless Steel Rats. All ready for another day of anguish?

[SoL]

[J&TB glower at us.]

CROW: [whisper] I never liked him.

[GIZMONICS]

DR. F: Our Invention Exchange this week is "Complainer's Quarterly..."

[Dr. F holds up a large magazine, similar in design to a slick annual report that some companies send out to impress their shareholders. The title "Complainer's Quarterly" is written across the top in professional, slab-serif letters.]

FRANK: It's meant for the New Age Fandom that's so popular these days.

DR. F: [lowering magazine and grinning evilly] Yes, Joel, times are truly changing for the better. The New Age Fandom which Frank is referring to is the type of people who will loudly and brazenly condemn a company, while, at the same time, supporting said company by buying all of the offered products and services.

FRANK: People love to complain, but some feel like a hypocrite jumping on the bandwagon when they think that the company's products really are good.

DR. F: Enter "Complainer's Quarterly"! Now you can read about all sorts of tips and tactics to not only demean those who state something positive about the company, but also includes ways to avoid feeling guilty about still using the products of the company that you say is the spawn of Hell.

FRANK: It's conveniently divided into sections for the top companies people love to criticize, such as Marvel comics, Microsoft, and of course, the Walt Disney Company. Oh, and the one for TSR is being updated for Wizards Of The Coast in the next issue.

DR. F: So hop on the bandwagon! If everyone else is doing it, than it must be the right thing to do.

FRANK: [suddenly looking thoughtful] Hey. [turns to DR. F.] Is there anything about jumping off bridges in there?

[SoL: In the background, Gypsy is on the bridge. She is covered with frost and fog rolls off her as she trembles. Joel is pampering her with a hot water bottle and blanket. In the foreground, Tom and Crow address us.]

CROW: How was the spacewalk, Gypsy?

TOM: Joel's busy just now, so we're handling the invention exchange.

CROW: We were thinking about some of the Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers Fanfic you've been sending us, and we've noticed there's something missing from most of them that keeps them from feeling like Disney.

[GIZMONICS]

FRANK: Joy?

DR. F: An innocent sense of fun?

[SoL]

TOM: Merchandising!

CROW: And so, without further ado, Cambot...

[Screen is replaced by appropriate slides while the bots speak on.]

TOM: A comic book version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra," starring a surprisingly-bright Dale in the title role.

CROW: Widget's Fruit-flavored Prozac.

TOM: Shaped like her enemies, and they're chewable.

CROW: The Jonathan Brisby IV Genetic Manipulation Kit! Be the first kid on your block to create a chimera!

TOM: The An Tham Sun Ginsu collection of sharp and pointy things.

CROW: The "Sisters" Game! Players maneuver their Gadgets through a family reunion and try to escape with their lives!

TOM: That one's not quite ready to ship yet....

CROW: And, of course, collectable action figures!

TOM: Shadow! Pull the string and he betrays you to your enemies!

CROW: Wescott!

TOM: Send in the proof of purchase for a free gallon of gore!

CROW: The Gadget & Caprice Dual Pack!

TOM: Will not ship to Canada, Great Britain, or Hong Kong.

[GIZMONICS]

DR. F: Well, just for alienating everyone on Web Site #9 with in-jokes, I'm sending you "Dark Savior." Hope it hurts.

[SoL]

[Usual Fanfic Sign Pandemonium.]

[G ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Theater]

Chip 'N Dale Rescue Rangers FanFiction

CROW: Uh oh.

TOM: You don't suppose....

JOEL: I hope not.

The Dark Savior Saga"

CROW: It's the "D" Word. We're doomed.

JOEL: Hey, guys, even the Mads wouldn't do that to us.

(also known as "Untitled"

TOM: He forgot to enter a name in the "File Save As" dialog.

or "Turn Gadget's Hair White!" :)

CROW: [Natasha] Ash-blonde, dahlink.

Written By: "Strider" Stephen T. Stone

[Everyone sighs of relief.]

TOM: It's not Nowak. We're safe.

Chip Maplewood, Dale Oakmont,

JOEL: When did they get last names?

TOM: There's no rhyme or reason.

Gadget Hackwrench, Monterey Jack, Zipper, Geegaw Hackwrench, Foxglove, Fat Cat, and Professor Norton Nimnul are the property of Walt Disney Animation.

CROW: And they can keep them.

Magnolia (Maggie) Oakmont is the creation of "B&M" Glenn S. Byrnes.

JOEL: I don't want to know how he got that nickname, thank you.

Silvia

ALL: GERRY!

is the creation of "Robo|\|erd" Robert Noel Hollingshead.

CROW: Joel, does everyone on the net have an annoying handle?

JOEL: It's not actually required, no.

The Daring Detectives are the creations of William Shane Wheeler.

JOEL: See?

Jennifer and Geegaw Maplewood, Bridget Hackwrench, Leviathan and Don are the creations of "Strider"

JOEL: Boromir!

TOM: Frodo!

CROW: Gandalf!

ALL: McCloud!

Stephen T. Stone.

The song Lost in Your Eyes was originally performed by Deborah Gibson.

TOM: Oh, God, someone's going to sing....

CROW: And least Steve didn't chose "Electric Youth".

All characters and events described within this story are purely and totally fictional, but only to those with limited or no imaginations. ;)

CROW: Or a firm grasp on reality.

-Prologue-

TOM: It was going to be an amateur logue, but Steve was able to meet payroll.

"Chip?" Gadget was sitting outside of Rescue Ranger Headquarters.

CROW: On her hindquarters.

She had just turned to face Chip, her husband of 15 unforgettable years of marriage.

TOM: [To Joel] Don't most people remember fifteen years of marriage?

JOEL: No matter how hard they may try.

She and Chip were both about 40 years old.

JOEL: Kinda old for vermin.

"Yes, Gadget?"

CROW: [Chip] Shaddup and get me a beer.

Although they had aged, they were still the same as they ever were. Not once had they ever changed,

TOM: And boy, they were getting rank.

nor had they ever had a "bad day" in their marriage.

TOM: [dubious] Uh-huh.

"Chip, do you ever wonder...what our lives would be like if...well..."

TOM: [Gadget] Could you hold the cue card up higher? I can't quite make it out.

"You know, Gadget, the thought had never crossed..."

CROW: Wow! He's a telepath!

Chip was cut off by the familiar voices of Geegaw and Jennifer, their two children, both about fourteen years old.

TOM: Wait. Chipmunks and mice have babies?

JOEL: Cartoons are notoriously weak on the concept of 'species.'

"Hi, Mom," Jennifer said to Gadget.

CROW: Gee, I thought she was talking to Chip.

They both hugged each other and preceded to talk to each other.

JOEL: [Gadget] I TOLD YOU TO BE BACK BY TEN!

CROW: [Jennifer] SHADDAP, YA OLD BAT! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

JOEL: [Gadget] You've been seeing that weasel again!

CROW: [Jennifer] Well, who else is gonna date a half chipmunk freak!?

"Hey, Pop," Geegaw said to Chip. Chip walked over to his son and gave him a handshake and a pat on the back.

JOEL: How do you do both at once?

"So, how was school today?"

CROW: [Geegaw] It was the pits, man.

"Fine, Dad," Jennifer replied.

JOEL: Concealing, like children the world around, the ugly truth.

"Pop, can we ask you something?" Geegaw asked.

CROW: [Geegaw] Are we the result of a genetic experiment, or did Mom use a surrogate?

"What?" Gadget and Chip replied simultaneously. They were ready to answer any question from their children.

TOM: Except the dark truth of the scandal that forced them into their loveless marriage....

"Well, we were wondering..."

JOEL: [Geegaw] How do Pop Tarts work?

"When did you two fall in love?" Jennifer had finished her brother's question. "I mean, when did you know that you loved each other?"

TOM: [Chip] We don't. Next question?

"That's a long, strange story, mates," said a familiar voice.

JOEL: I have the awful feeling he's going to tell us.

Monterey Jack stepped outside to join his friends. He had aged as well,

TOM: But, strangely, not by as much.

and was now over 50 years old, as was Zipper.

JOEL: Really old vermin.

Dale, who was in town visiting the Rangers,

CROW: To get an autographed puck.

had gone out that day to shop for Christmas presents with his wife, Foxglove, and his daughter Magnolia, or Maggie for short.

JOEL: And you know they call her "Maggot" at school.

TOM: Now we have chipmunks and bats having babies.

CROW: Any minute now, we're going to find out that Gadget's grandfather was a turtle.

"But we'll all be happy to tell it to you," Gadget stated.

JOEL: [Gadget] Unless you clean your rooms.

"Let's go inside, though; it's getting a bit cold out here."

CROW: [Geegaw] If it's December, shouldn't we be hibernating?

-END Prologue-

TOM: That tells the compiler the subroutine's over.

-Chapter I-

"Hey Chip!" Gadget called from her workshop. She was twenty-four years old, and had been living with the Rescue Rangers for about four years.

JOEL: Actually, it just seemed like four years.

She was still as beautiful as the day she first met Chip and Dale.

TOM: Instead of being an aged, haggard, toothless wreck like most twenty-four year olds.

"Huh...oh, what is it, Gadget?" Chip had been reading another Sureluck Jones novel; Gadget, however, was more than a worthy distraction.

CROW: See? Julie Bihn's right. He just considers her a 'distraction.'

"Chip, I need your help in here. Could you..."

TOM: And trailed off, losing her train of thought completely.

"Coming!" Chip had never passed up the opportunity to work with Gadget alone. All it meant to her was help. All it meant to him was time with her. Chip walked into the workshop to find Gadget fiddling with some walkie- talkies and adjusting them a little bit.

CROW: What? No ten pages describing bandwidth?

JOEL: This isn't a Nowak story. Relax.

Gadget turned around to find the leader of the Rangers standing behind her.

TOM: [Gadget] Ambassador Delenn? Golly!

"Oh good, you're here," Gadget said. "We can get started now."

JOEL: This isn't going to be a lemon, is it?

"What are you doing?" Chip inquired, puzzled.

CROW: [Gadget] My, it's so hot in here....

"I sent Monterey Jack and Dale out with two walkie-talkies that I modified. Well, actually, I kind of just modified the antennas, but that wouldn't count as the whole walkie-talkie, or..."

TOM: I'm having trouble imagining this. Does she mean human-sized walkie-talkies or mouse-sized walkie-talkies? JOEL: Well, mouse-sized walkie-talkies would probably have to work in the microwave spectrum.

CROW: And after a few years, they all mutate to the point they're interfertile!

TOM: Ah! It all hangs together!

"Alright, Gadget, I get the point. What do you need me to do?"

CROW: [Gadget] Get me an FCC license.

"Well, I need you to test Dale's reciever."

CROW: [Gadget] I can't do it myself because of the radiation hazard.

She gave Chip a walkie-talkie. "Just flip this one on and wait for Dale to speak." Chip didn't have to wait long, for as soon as he turned it on, he heard Dale--loud and clear.

"HEY, ANYBODY HOME?!?" Dale screamed. Chip fell flat on his back. Gadget turned around and tried her best to keep from laughing out loud.

TOM: Not that it was very funny.

"Hey, Dale, you didn't have to scream at me!" Chip had now gotten up from off the floor and cooled his temper.

JOEL: Yeah, Dale. It's not like you're testing a new communications... oh.

"Sorry, Chip. Hey, can Gadget hear me?

TOM: [Dale] Can she feel me near her?

"I hear you just fine, Dale. Monty, can you hear me?"

JOEL: [Monty] No, love, can't 'ear you at all. Ovah!

"Loud and clear, Gadget-love!" Monterey Jack remarked. "And ya know what?

JOEL: [Monty] I'm not wearin' any pants!

I'm halfway across town! How did you ever pull this one off?"

CROW: [Gadget] With pliers, Monty. Over.

"It was simple, really," Gadget said. "I simply boosted the antenna's range on each walkie-talkie about 50 times.

TOM: But Monty knew what you did. He asked how you did it....

JOEL: Don't worry about it, Tommy.

I didn't even have to do much to the circuitry to do it, either."

CROW: [Gadget] Of course, we're using a restricted wavelength and blocking air traffic signals, but nobody should notice.

"Too-ra-loo, Gadget-love! You're a bloomin' genius!" Monty stated.

TOM: Blooming in more ways than one.

"I'll say!" chimed in Dale.

CROW: Even Dale agrees with Tom.

"Thanks, guys." Gadget was obvoiusly

JOEL: Tom, you've got the spell checker. How many misspelled words is that so far?

TOM: Just two.

JOEL: Not bad.

flattered by the statement, for she was blushing like mad. She quickly regained her senses and snapped back into reality.

TOM: How did she recognize it?

"Just stay where you are. We'll come and pick you up in the Ranger Wing. We've got a tracking device for the walkie-talkies, so we'll pick you both up shortly."

TOM: [Monty] So we'll just sit 'ere, pumpin' out radiation they'll see in Aricebo....

* * *

"Golly, it sure is foggy today," Gadget commented as she piloted the Ranger Wing above the city. "Y'know, maybe I shouldn't have sent them out today."

JOEL: [Chip] Better clean your goggles -- there's not a cloud in the sky.

"Don't worry, Gadget. Monty and Dale are fully capable of taking care of themselves," Chip reassured, then thought to himself, 'Well, Monty, anyway.'

TOM: Oh, right. The mouse who picks fights with cats and becomes uncontrollable when he's near cheese.

"Well actually, it's us I'm worried...aaaAAAHH!" Gadget had just seen something through the fog--a building, with no way of avoiding it.

JOEL: Serves her right for not flying above the tallest building in low visibility.

"Chip, JUMP!"

CROW: Unless they're wearing parachutes, it wouldn't make a difference.

The two Rangers jumped just as the Wing slammed ino the building.

TOM: Miraculously, their inertia vanishes, which keeps them from hitting the building as well.

JOEL: Ino?

CROW: Composer. Brian Ino.

JOEL: That's "Eno."

CROW: Oh. Three.

Both fell into the fog.

JOEL: By John Carpenter.

Chip had managed to grab on to a bar on a fire escape. But...

TOM: Gadget fell on Ridley Scott.

CROW: Too bad.

"Gadget?" Chip called. No answer. "Gadget!" Still no answer. He was getting worried--real worried. "GADGET!!!"

JOEL: Lots of exclamation points Do Not make it more exciting.

"Hold...on...Chip...I'm...coming..."

CROW: Insert lewd comment here.

JOEL: Joel yells, "CROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

TOM: What was that about lots of exclamation points?

Gadget struggled to get the words out as she climbed up the side of the building. She met Chip halfway. "Come on, let's get down to ground level."

TOM: [Gadget] I really don't know why I climbed up to you....

They both climbed down together, and when they reached the ground, Chip touched down first,

TOM: An impressive feat, what with Gadget having been below him, after all.

and Gadget leaped down after him. She had misjudged, and Chip hurried to catch her.

TOM: Tragically, he was distracted when he noticed a pebble that might be an agate.

Gadget sat in Chip's arms for a second, then a strange, indescribable feeling came over her--one like she had never felt before.

JOEL: Nausea.

She then stood up on her own, and pulled out her walkie-talkie. Luckily, it had not been damaged during the leap.

TOM: Showing that the strange feeling was not only indescribable, but unimportant as well.

"Monty? Dale?" Chip called.

"What's up, mates?" Monty answered back.

TOM: Wait, didn't Gadget have the radio?

JOEL: Monty must be close enough to hear without it.

TOM: Ah.

"We had a s-l-i-g-h-t problem with the Ranger Wing. Sorry to say this, but it looks like you'll both be walking home," Gadget said apoligetically.

TOM: [Gadget] Serves you right for getting involved in my experiments.

"What?!?" Dale exclaimed. "Well...you have been telling me to get some exercise, Gadget..."

TOM: [Dale] I'll get you for this.

"Right, Dale," Gadget laughed. "We'll see you at home. Gadget out." She turned off the wakie-talkie, then slipped it into her pocket.

JOEL: Wakie-talkie?

TOM: It's a portable alarm clock that sounds like Mom telling you it's time to catch the bus.

"Let's get going, Gadget. We've got a long walk ahead of us," Chip stated. They agreed,

JOEL: Wait. Did Chip just agree with himself?

and walked into the fog. As soon as they were out of vision, a tall, grey mouse dressed in a black cloak appeared where they had been standing.

CROW: Oh, no. A gray mouse wearing black?

TOM: You're thinking of a white mouse wearing black. Paranoid.

"Yes...Gadget...she's perfect...perfect for the tests..." The mouse then disappeared from the darkness which spewed him out.

TOM: I'm betting that was supposed to say "disappeared into the darkness."

* * *

"Chip, I'm gonna go in this hardware store and check it out. Y'know, see if they've got some parts I can use to repair the Wing?"

JOEL: Repair? After hitting the side of a building and falling to the earth?

CROW: Super glue. Gallons of it.

Gadget always took a so-called 'accident' as an excuse to look in a hardware store.

TOM: [doubtfully] So... she deliberately crashed into the building?

"Sure, Gadget, but be careful, okay?"

TOM: [Xena] Joxer, don't do anything stupid.

JOEL: [Dilbert] Dogbert, try to stay within the law.

CROW: [Hillary] Bill, keep your pants zipped.

Chip was always uneasy about leaving her alone, especially when he remembered what had happened with Nimnul and his Molecular Rearranger Device about a year ago.

TOM: Chip really is the level headed, practical one, isn't he?

"Don't worry, Chip," Gadget said in a reassuring voice. "I've got my walkie-talkie, remember?

JOEL: Did you guys know the walkie-talkie was invented by a Canadian?

TOM: No, I didn't. How did you know?

JOEL: Exhibit in the Royal Museum of Electronic Warfare in Kingston, Ontario.

CROW: So... that's what you did for fun on Earth?

TOM: And you miss it?

If I run into trouble, I'll either call you or flick the tracking device on."

TOM: [Gadget] And then you can walk out to rescue... gee, it would take a while, wouldn't it?

"Well...alright. But don't be too late," Chip ordered.

JOEL: [Chip] Or it's curfew time, little missy.

"Okay. See you later," Gadget called as the two Rangers parted ways.

TOM: In a manner not unlike Oedipus, Chip is fated to follow the path to disaster despite his misgivings.

Gadget managed to enter the store by using a mouse hole she found in the back. She spent about twenty minutes avoiding humans and scrounging for parts she could use to repair the broken Wing. Suddenly, she looked down and saw a shadow covering hers up.

TOM: What did I tell you?

CROW: Oooo, how perceptive!

"Hello, Gadget, dear..." a voice called from behind. Gadget turned around. There was no one there. She was now a little bit scared.

JOEL: At least this time, the voices in her head weren't telling her to save France.

"Don't worry..." Gadget turned back around to see a tall, grey mouse wearing a black cloak and a scar on the right side of his face.

CROW: Wearing a scar?

JOEL: It's detachable. He only puts it on for formal kidnappings.

"I won't hurt you...yet..."

ALL: Mwhahahahahah!!

This worried Gadget.

TOM: Smart girl.

She reached in her pocket and flipped the walkie-talkie on.

TOM: [Walkie-talkie] Hey ? same to you, girl.

"Who are you? What do you want with...mmph!?!" Gadget was grabbed by a mouse from behind, who covered her mouth.

CROW: How? Her mouth is wider than her own waistline!

She felt something sticking in her right arm, and looked down to see a syringe injecting her.

JOEL: Hoping the needle was clean...

She suddenly felt very drowsy. The mouse removed his hand from her mouth.

TOM: [Gadget] Wow... I see Walt Disney....

'Help...me...' Gadget though as she fell unconscious. The first mouse Gadget saw took her in his arms.

CROW: And performed with her unconscious body a macabre dance.

"Good work, Don," the mouse commented.

JOEL: [Mouse] This raises your performance appraisal to 'competent.'

"Are you sure we should be doing this, Leviathan?" the mouse named Don asked, nervously.

JOEL: [Leviathan] You mean what we're doing tonight?

"Of course not. That's what makes it more exciting, doesn't it?" Leviathan said, chuckling. Don nervously agreed,

TOM: This Don can't handle peer pressure, can he?

then both mice moved with Gadget into a dark area between two shelves. Shortly thereafter, a thoroughly smashed walkie-talkie was thrown from the same area.

TOM: [Walkie-talkie] Hic....

-END Chapter I-

CROW: I'd call that one of the more disturbing and ambiguous chapter endings I've seen.

JOEL: I'd say you have a nasty and dirty mind, and that this sort of thing happens all the time in adventure fiction.

TOM: Joel's right, Crow.

-Chapter II-

Chip, Dale, and Monterey Jack were all at Ranger HQ,

JOEL: I just realized Zipper hasn't been mentioned since the prologue.

TOM: Who?

and all of them were waiting for Gadget.

JOEL: They passed the time by talking about hanging themselves.

It had been at least 7 hours since Gadget and Chip parted ways, and it was well into the evening. Chip was pacing around,

JOEL: Knowing they were in deep doo-doo.

Dale was reading a comic, and Monty was sitting at a table, preparing cheese sandwiches for everyone. Zipper was out looking for a good meal for himself, since he never liked Monty's cooking anyway.

TOM: Y'know, when a fly won't eat your food....

"I don't like this, guys. She's never been gone a whole day before," Chip commented, concerned for Gadget's safety. "She's worked a whole day before, but never been gone that long..."

JOEL: Guys?

TOM: Well, she has been gone that long before, but only when she was getting in serious trouble.

"Aw, don't fret, Chipper, me lad," remarked Monty, who was preparing to eat a spare slice of cheese. "Besides, you said she had 'er walkie-talkie."

CROW: Monty's got some rose-colored lenses in those goggles.

"Hey, that's right!" Chip perked up. "C'mon, Dale!"

"What for?" Dale asked, looking up from his comic book.

"We're gonna go call Gadget," Chip replied.

JOEL: And he needs Dale's help because...?

As he was walking to her workshop, however, he heard a faint knock at the door.

CROW: The workshop has a door?

"Maybe that's her now!" Chip ran up to the door and opened it.

CROW: I guess so.

He gasped at the sight before his eyes.

TOM: [Jehovah's witness] Hello! Have you ever considered your personal relationship with Walt Disney?

"Ch...Chip..." Gadget then fell unconscious into Chip's arms.

TOM: Gadget's getting caught a lot, isn't she?

JOEL: I count three times so far.

CROW: You rather they'd miss?

TOM: For variety? Sure!

JOEL: "Suck pavement, Gadget!"

TOM: Splat!

JOEL: "Meet the linoleum, Gadget!"

TOM: Whump!

The other Rangers quickly ran to the door, and then saw what Chip had seen.

"Gadget..." Monty, nor any of the Rangers, had never wanted to see Gadget like this. "What happened to ya, Gadget-love?"

TOM: [Gadget] I (hic)... met thish sailor inna bar, an' (hic)....

The Rangers laid her on the couch and looked over her from head to toe.

CROW: Then, from toe to head. Then, diagonally, from toe to opposite ear --

She was bruised, had a black eye,

JOEL: And they could see this through fur.

and was bleeding from various scratches all over her body. Her coveralls were ripped and singed in various places, as well.

JOEL: Uhm.

CROW: Joel, I feel funny.

"We've got to get her to a hospital! NOW!!" Chip ordered. The other Rangers, for once, made no replies or remarks whatsoever. They only ran to the Ranger Plane and got it ready to go. Chip carried Miss Hackwrench

TOM: Kinda formal, all of a sudden.

out to the Plane, then laid her in it.

JOEL: Let's let this one pass without comment.

Monterey flew the Plane to the hospital and Dale rode beside him, while Chip looked over their precious inventor in the back. Chip had laid Gadget's head in his lap, and was now comforting her.

TOM: How much comforting do you need when you're unconscious?

"Don't worry, my love," Chip whispered to Gadget as he rubbed her face gently. "We'll get whoever did this to you. I promise you." Chip lightly kissed her forehead, then continued to watch over her.

TOM: Missing the hawk that swooped in from behind.

* * *

"...Gadget...Gadget...hey, are you awake?"

TOM: [Gadget] No.

Gadget slowly opened her eyes, then looked over to the side to see Dale staring at her. "Hey, guys, she's awake!"

CROW: [Dale] She said she wasn't, but I think she fibbed.

The other Rangers quickly ran into the hospital room to greet their fallen member.

TOM: So they were in the hall killing time?

They were surprised to hear from the doctor that morning that, despite her looks at the moment, she would live, and she had no broken bones, either.

JOEL: [Dale] Let's break some.

"How ya feelin', Gadget-love?" Monterey asked softly.

CROW: [Gadget] Until I saw you, fine.

"Well," Gadget began. "Considering what I went through, I feel like a million dollars." She laughed a little bit. The other Rangers, confused, managed weak smiles.

JOEL: More than I can.

"Gadget, what exactly happened to you? Who, or what, did this to you?" Chip asked.

CROW: [Gadget] Did what to me? Oh, the beating....

He knew he wasn't the only one who wanted a little revenge.

TOM: [Khan] A dish best served cold!

"Th...that's a long story, Chip," Gadget said nervously, as if to cover up some dark, terrible secret.

CROW: What, she enjoyed it?

TOM: Ix-nay!

"Would you mind if I told you later? I'd kinda like to get a little rest."

TOM: [Chip] But you just woke up!

"Sure, Gadget." Chip had heard the tremble of fear in her voice, although the other Rangers hadn't. "C'mon, guys, let's let her get some sleep." The others reluctantly followed Chip. "Gadget, we'll come back tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure...okay..." Gadget quickly answered. Again, Chip noticed a slight tremble in her voice.

CROW: Better turn up the bass.

'Why would Gadget be acting like this?' he thought. 'What could she have to hide from us?'

JOEL: It better not be what I think.

He logged his thoughts into memory and left the room. Dale followed closely, but Monterey stood with Zipper at the door and watched Gadget fall slowly back to sleep.

"Hey, mates, I'll catch up with ya later," Monterey called to the two chipmunks.

TOM: Thereby waking Gadget up...

"I've got somethin' I need ta do."

JOEL: [Chip] Monty, you said you took care of that before we left.

"Sure, Monty." Neither Chip nor Dale paid much attention to him.

CROW: This is new?

They were busy thinking about Gadget. Monterey left the hospital, then walked to a tree in a nearby park to visit an old friend.

"Geegaw, old mate," Monterey started as he kneeled before the familiar grave which sat before him.

TOM: Only to find there were other rodents in line, waiting to have their

dramatic scene at Gadget's father's grave.

JOEL: [Geegaw Hackwrench] Hey, Monty -- no cutting.

TOM: [Monty] What're you doin' here, mate?

JOEL: [Geegaw Hackwrench] Filming a scene from 'Fly to the Light.' C'mon, hurry up!

CROW: [Widget Hackwrench] Don't rush me, pops.

"I promise that we WILL find the guy who did that to yer little girl, and I WILL give him one solid punch for you. I swear me life on it."

JOEL: [Popeye] Well, blow me down!

Monterey sat there for a second, remembering the last time he saw Geegaw and Gadget together as father and child.

CROW: Before they became husband and wife.

"She's so innocent..so sweet...who would do that to 'er...and why?"

JOEL: Round up the usual suspects.

He stood up, saluted Geegaw's grave, then started for home. However, Zipper noticed something strange-- Monterey Jack passed three cheese stores on the walk home. He didn't have even one cheese attack.

CROW: Wait, did Zipper leave with him?

* * *

"Where am I?" Gadget asked. She was in a room--at least she thought it was a room--with no walls, no doors,

JOEL: That would not be a room then.

TOM: You know what would be cool? Doors without walls.

CROW: Sounds like the title of a Yanni album.

no light. Just darkness. She could only see one thing--herself.

CROW: I guess she's started to glow.

"Chip? Dale? Monty? Zipper? Anyone?" she called, to be answered by no one, not even an echo.

TOM: If there are no walls, you wouldn't get an echo.

"Gadget..." a voice echoed. Gadget heard the voice, and turned around in all directions, trying to figure out where it came from. "Come closer..." the voice called. A column of light shone down from above. Gadget ran into the light,

CROW: [Gadget] Time for my first song already?

TOM: [sings]
When you're locked up in a room
and awaiting certain doom....

looked around, then looked down. She fell into a room with metal walls and a metal floor. She stood up, then looked up to see a metal plate cover the top of the room.

JOEL: Okay, this would be a room.

"Oh, no...not again..." Gadget fell to her knees, buried her head in her hands, and started to cry. "Leave me alone..." she said, in a timid, fearful voice. She looked up, fear in her eyes. "Leave...me...alone..." she cried.

CROW: Yeah, right, like begging for mercy ever works.

"I wouldn't dream of it," a voice said. Gadget looked straight ahead. Her eyes grew bigger-

TOM: Is that possible?

and she grew more afraid. Leviathan appeared and started to walk towards her. He stopped in front of her and grabbed her arms. Gadget struggled to break free, but to no avail.

"No...no

ALL: [singing] No, no, I don't smoke it no mo' --

NOOOOO!" Gadget screamed as she sat up in her bed at the hospital. She found out that it was midnight as she looked at a nearby clock. Cold sweat was running down her face. "A..a dream...only a dream..." Gadget ran her fingers through her long, blond hair. "How can I tell them what happened?

TOM: Do it in an interpretive dance.

What'll they think?

CROW: That you're a bad person, because it doesn't happen to nice girls.

What'll they do?"

JOEL: I'm guessing they'll cast you out for all time.

TOM: That's right, Gadget -- just swallow the pain and make it go away.

The inventor mouse pondered her questions as she slowly laid back down, and reluctantly went back to sleep.

-END Chapter II-

CROW: Joel, I need a shower. JOEL: Me too.

-Chapter III-

Gadget awoke late next morning to find the other Rescue Rangers pacing around her hospital room. She slowly sat up as they noticed she had awoke.

TOM: Do you suppose they have Zipper suction off any decaying matter trapped on his sticky hairlike bristles before they let him into the hospital?

"Did ya sleep well, Gadget?" Dale asked.

"Oh, fine," Gadget yawned. "How are you guys?"

"We're fine, Gadget-love,"

TOM: [Monty] Why shouldn't we be?

Monterey remarked. Zipper smiled at Gadget, indicating that he was in a good mood.

CROW: After all, it's not like a dear friend's in the hospital after being horribly abused....

"Uh, Gadget," Chip began. "Now, what exactly happened to you yesterday between the time you went into that hardware store and when you came back to HQ?" He was ready to hear this story as much as the others.

TOM: They had all rescheduled their appointments, and Dale had programmed the VCR to catch "Voyager."

"Well..." Gadget hesitated. She looked at her friends' faces. She knew that, sooner or later, one way or another, she would have to tell them the truth.

JOEL: No, no, no! With lies and evasions, you can keep your friendships strong!

She sighed sadly. "Okay. I'll tell you everything I can remember." The other Rangers pulled up some nearby chairs as Gadget began her story. Zipper sat on Monty's shoulder.

TOM: He was disappointed, because he had heard it before.

"Well, after I went in the hardware store, I had spent a few minutes looking for parts when this tall mouse distracted me while someone else--I don't know if it was a mouse--grabbed me from behind and injected me with some sort of tranquilizer. I fell asleep almost instantly. When I came to, however..."

CROW: Came to what?

* * *

"Who...what...where am I?"

CROW: Gadget... mouse... fanfic.

TOM: So get ready to suffer.

Gadget still felt a little drowsy due to the tranquilizer, but she could tell from the cold temperature in the room that she was not in the hardware store anymore.

JOEL: Gadget knows hardware stores never get cold.

She felt around, for her sight was still a little blurry.

ALL: Focus!

She found out that she was in a small room with metal walls--and nothing else.

TOM: Not even a floor.

CROW: [Gadget] Aaaaaaaaaa! (splat)

Suddenly, Gadget heard a door behind her.

TOM: [Door] Hi. Can you direct me to the Beauty and the Beast set?

She turned and saw a short, small blur, and a very tall blur. Then her eyesight started to return to normal.

THE BOTS: [Blurs] We'd like to talk to you about your personal--

JOEL: Did that.

"Well, well, you're awake. It's about time," remarked Leviathan, who was wearing a pair of gloves now. "Allow me to introduce ourselves. My name is Leviathan, and this is my associate, Don." Don nervously bowed towards Gadget.

CROW: [Gadget] Since 'Leviathan' means very big and is a sea monster in the Bible, I can't help but notice how completely inappropriate your name is.

JOEL: Does Don always bow to people he's drugged?

"You..." Gadget could see as clear as ever now. "You kidnapped me!" Angry, she rushed Leviathan.

TOM: A simple plan, but I like it.

"Oh, come now," Leviathan yawned. He grabbed Gadget's arm, then flipped her over his shoulder into the next room. "Never try to fight me, my dear. I know more fighting styles than you could ever hope to think of."

CROW: [Gadget] Golly, what a day to forget my Mary Sue repellent!

"Okay..." Gadget sputtered out--half dazed, thanks to the throw. She slowly stood up with a small pain in her back, then regained her composure. "Now, why did you kidnap me? For my brains?

CROW: [Crawford Tillengast] Eat ... brains...!

TOM: [Thrakozog] Yes yes, there will be plenty of time for brain-eating later...

For my looks?

JOEL: Does Gadget know she's hot?

TOM: Not until now, no.

For a ransom?"

CROW: [Gadget] For score and seven years....

"None of the above," Leviathan said.

TOM: [Leviathan] I'm going on a furry Muck and auctioning you off to--

Gadget had noticed that he was very cold and hardly showed any emotion in his actions and speech.

JOEL: Maybe he's just a really bad actor.

TOM: Most martial artists are.

"I abducted you to be the first subject in my experiments.

TOM: [Leviathan] I'm going to put you in a space station and send you bad movies--

I'm going to see how strong the Rescue Rangers really are."

JOEL: By tormenting one of them when she's helpless?

He walked through another door, which was locked by a control panel on the wall. "Don, make sure our guest can't escape." The door closed.

TOM: Wait, the panel that locks the doors is inside the cell?

JOEL: Not one of the tougher prisons, I guess.

"I'm...sorry..." Don closed the door to Gadget's cell and locked it. "I didn't want to do this..." Gadget wondered what he was talking about.

CROW: Gee, Gadget's a little slow on the uptake.

"Don!" Gadget and Don looked up to see Leviathan in a control room of sorts, protected by glass. He was speaking through a loudspeaker. "Get up here--NOW!!"

TOM: [Leviathan] I need you!

"I'm...truly sorry..." Don retreated to the door Leviathan had exited through, then exited the room himself,

TOM: This is an "exiting" scene, isn't it?

leaving Gadget to stand alone, awaiting her fate. She didn't have to wait long.

CROW: [Gadget] Oh, hi fate. Sorry I can't offer you any coffee, but--

* * *

"Now, my dear, we can begin the first of my experiments," Leviathan spoke.

TOM: [Leviathan] Which cola tastes more bubbly?

"I feel so priveleged..." Gadget began to remark sarcastically.

"At least you'll live--be thankful for that," Leviathan retorted quickly. The second Gadget heard that, her spirit sank deeper than ever before. She knew something was going to happen to her, and it was going to hurt.

JOEL: She's starting to catch on!

"Are you ready?" All the captive could do was nod her head.

TOM: Gadget has done some stupid things, hasn't she?

A moment after she did, she heard something behind her.

"What the..." Gadget turned around. She was met with a slap to the face that sent her flying clear across the room. The female mouse looked up to see three metallic mice heading straight for her.

JOEL: I saw this in THX-1138.

CROW: No, it was the novelization by Ben Bova.

TOM: Boy, talk about anti-robot stereotypes....

"Robots after my own design. I had some...help...building them, but they're all mine now," Leviathan stated. Gadget wasn't paying attention to him.

TOM: [hopefully] She was disassembling the robots with a paper clip and turning them into a Leviathan crushing machine?

She was too busy absorbing the blows of the robots.

TOM: ...Oh.

After taking about fifteen of them, Don moved toward Leviathan.

JOEL: After Don took fifteen what?

"Leviathan, you've got to stop them! They'll kill her!" He reached for the control panel. A roundhouse kick from the grey mouse convinced him otherwise.

CROW: [Don] Oh... I see... thanks for explaining... (vomit noises)

"As you wish, Don," Leviathan sighed.

CROW: [Don] Then what exactly was the point of the kick?

He pulled a lever on the control panel, and almost immediately, the robots shut down. Gadget--who had been held by one robot and punched by the other two--slumped to the floor, beaten and weak.

TOM: I'm starting to long for the light-hearted fun of "Red Zone Cuba."

CROW: I'm starting to long for the light-hearted fun of "Under the Bridge."

JOEL: It hasn't gone that far yet.

"Take her to her cell. We begin the next experiment in one hour." Leviathan then walked out of the room. Don ran down to Gadget, lifted her up, and examined her. She was barely conscious, bruised all over, and her nose was bleeding. Gently Don put Gadget's arm over his shoulder and carried her back to her cell.

CROW: I'm guessing "Good cop - bad cop." You guys?

TOM: It hurts too much to think, Crow.

JOEL: I'm with Tom on this one.

"Forgive me, Miss Gadget," Don pleaded as he laid Gadget down in her cell. He cleaned her face of the blood, then stopped her nose from bleeding any more. "Please forgive me..."

CROW: [Gadget] Say, Don, why don't noodly sidekicks get cool names?

Don turned to leave, looked over his shoulder, then left, closing and locking the door behind him.

'I...forgive you...Don...' Gadget thought. She then fell unconscious.

CROW: [Gadget] For you know not what you do.

* * *

Gadget awoke to find that she had been strapped to a medevial-type rack machine of some sort.

TOM: I had a dream like that once. It was great.

She looked directly in front of her--and found Leviathan and Don standing there. Don looked worried, and Leviathan looked as he had before--black cloak, gloves, and no emotion on his face.

CROW: He really should go to an acting coach.

"Well, well, you're awake. It's about time. You didn't throw us off schedule that much, but I'll have to go quicker now," Leviathan muttered to Gadget.

TOM: [Leviathan] The Little Mermaid is almost on.

He looked at his hand. Gadget looked at it and saw that it was empty. Then Leviathan flicked his arm, and a long black staff dropped out of the right sleeve of his cloak. "Now we begin the next test."

TOM: [Leviathan] Multiple choice. Does this A) hurt, B) hurt, or C) hurt?

JOEL: That could almost have been a line in the story.

TOM: Sorry.

He pressed a button on the end of the staff, and the other end started to spark.

CROW: Don't you need to be close to something grounded before you get an arc?

Leviathan then held the staff towards Gadget.

TOM: [Leviathan] Now stick out your tongue....

"I can't watch..."

JOEL: [explodes] AND WE CAN!?

Don simply covered his eyes. He could still hear Gadget's screams of pain as she was shocked with electricity over and over by Leviathan. 'Why did Leviathan decide to do this?' Don thought to himself.

CROW: A little late to start wondering about that.

After about two minutes, Gadget's cries for help and screams of pain stopped. Don uncovered his eyes to find Leviathan leaving the room, staff in tow.

TOM: He probably needs a recharge.

"Hmph...Most of the mice I've used this on last at least three and a half minutes--four tops. Don, the quickness of this test has given us at least fifteen extra minutes to our schedule.

CROW: Uhm, how can her blacking out two minutes early add fifteen minutes to the schedule?

In an hour and a quarter, we resume testing. Return her to her cell." Leviathan exited the room. Don looked over at Gadget. She was very weak, and her coveralls were singed and ripped in various places all over her body.

JOEL: I'll take "Scenes We Hope Never Inspire Fan Art" for $200, Alex.

CROW: [mutters] Speak for yourself.

Quietly, Don unhooked Gadget from the "rack," carried her to her cell, laid her limp body down, then left her alone.

TOM: Don't check to see if her heart's still beating or anything, Don.

'This is insane...I've got to stop Leviathan before he kills her!' Don thought.

CROW: That's a good plan.

'Why is he doing this, anyway?' He quickly moved the "rack" into another room, then exited the testing area the same way Leviathan had.

-END Chapter III-

-Chapter IV-

"...but Leviathan, you know you can't keep doing this to her! Gadget's a female, and you know that their bodies are physically weaker than males!"

TOM: Actually, Army tests have shown -

JOEL: I don't want to hear it.

Gadget awoke to overhear Leviathan and Don arguing outside of her cell. She had never heard Don speak like this,

CROW: In the nearly ten minutes she's been in a room with him and conscious.

and intently listened. "I won't let you hurt her anymore!"

"Don, shut up."

CROW: [Don] Oh. Thank you for sharing.

Leviathan's command froze Don, as well as Gadget. "We agreed to do this for the benefit of our employers." Gadget wondered who his "employers" were. "We will be paid handsomely as a reward for doing this. Now, any questions?"

"Yes. Why start getting paid now?" Don asked. "We were never paid before, and look at us.

CROW: [Don] You mean we're mercenaries?

And why all of a sudden do you decide to kidnap a Rescue Ranger and torture her? They're on our side, remember?" Now Gadget was beginning to wonder about her captors.

JOEL: Because up to now, she's been thinking about painting the bathroom?

She thought about what Don and Leviathan had said.

TOM: Then she thought about grease, butterfly valves, and earwax. Why? Who knows!

'Who would want the Rangers destroyed so badly that they would hire this...this madman to do his dirty work?' Gadget thought,

JOEL: Doesn't "destroyed badly" mean left intact?

scared of what Leviathan might do to her next. 'And what was that about them being on our side?'

TOM: Just a red herring.

"Don, our guest needs to eat. Wake her up and give her her food."

TOM: [Leviathan] And a sleeping pill.

Gadget heard Leviathan walk out of the room. She quickly retreated to the back of the cell as Don entered. He noticed that she was awake, but thought nothing of it.

"Um, Miss Gadget, you need to eat. I've brought you something to eat," Don stated quietly. He set down a plate with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a glass of water. Gadget slowly walked up to Don, still weak and in pain.

CROW: [Gadget] Ew, chunky.

"Don, I heard you talking outside. Who is your employer?" Gadget asked, immediately sorry that she had.

JOEL: Because....

"I--I don't know...excuse me, I've got to go," Don quickly answered. He then ran out of the room as fast as he could and closed the door. Gadget simply returned to the back of her cell, examined the sandwiches and water, then decided that Leviathan wasn't going to poison her.

CROW: Since that would be mean.

She ate the sandwiches, washed them down with the water, then awaited her fate silently. While waiting, however, she fell back to sleep.

TOM: She's spent most of this fanfic unconscious.

JOEL: It's better that way.

CROW: I wish we could.

* * *

When Gadget awoke, she was again attached to the "rack." She did not see Don anywhere, nor did she see Leviathan. She wondered where her captors were, then saw Leviathan and Don enter the room simultaneously.

TOM: I don't suppose the phrase "feign unconsciousness" rings a bell?

"Good, she's ready. Don, leave the room." Leviathan had never had Don leave during a test before, and Gadget wondered what was happening. Don left the room, and Leviathan turned to Gadget.

JOEL: He's a metamorph!

"Wha...what are you gonna do to me now?" Gadget asked, very nervous and frightened.

TOM: [Leviathan] How many lights do you see?

"I'm simply going to finish the tests now. Are you ready?" Gadget simply nodded

CROW: That's twice she's done that!

and waited. Leviathan walked to the back of the machine, then turned a wheel. Gadget felt a slight stretching in her arms and legs. "The good old fashioned rack."

TOM: [Leviathan] The start of chiropractic.

"Ohno." Gadget realized what he meant, and every time he turned the wheel, her limbs stretched out further and further. After ten turns, she

JOEL: Agreed there were four lights.

screamed in pain. Leviathan turned the wheel five more times, each time prompting a scream of pain and terror higher in pitch than the previous one from the inventor. After the fifth turn, he turned the wheel back the other way, thus returning Gadget's limbs to their normal position. 'Thank goodness it's over,' Gadget thought. Unfortunately, when she opened her eyes and looked up, she saw Leviathan standing there, motionless. 'What now?'

TOM: [Leviathan] I've got this cage with two rats in it, but you're too small....

"I've noticed something about you, Gadget," he started. "You are a very beautiful woman." Gadget would have been flattered-

JOEL: I find that a little hard to believe.

if Leviathan had not drawn closer to Gadget, then gave her a very passionate kiss.

TOM: ...Oh. [Head explodes.]

JOEL: I wish I could do that.

She tried to stop him, but couldn't. Then he moved away. "I'll let you rest, then in an hour, I'll let you go." Leviathan left the room as Gadget passed out from pain and the exhaustion of trying to resist it.

[Joel has replaced Tom's head. Tom shakes head a few times.]

TOM: [sarcastic] Gee. Thanks.

* * *

"Wh    where am I?" Gadget awoke, weak and hurt. She was in an alley in a part of town she did not recognize.

TOM: Since she was now in Toronto....

She stood up, tried to walk, and fell flat on her face. She looked up to see a male mouse standing at her head.

CROW: Gee, this really isn't her lucky day.

"Miss? Do you need some help?" he asked. Gadget reached out her paw, and the mouse lifted her on his shoulder. "Where do you need to go?"

[Everyone sighs in relief.]

"As close to the park as you can," she replied, weak from the torture she had just underwent.

CROW: [Gadget] Leviathan kisses like an octopus. Yuck.

The kind mouse helped her walk to the park, stopping every once in a while to rest and eat a little bite of food.

TOM: Which she promptly vomited. After a beating like that --

Gadget made a mental note to find this mouse later and thank him for his help.

JOEL: She can't just say "Thank you" now?

Eventually, the two travelers made it to the park.

"Here we are, miss...um, what's your name?" the mouse inquired.

"Gadget," the inventor replied as she stood up on her own. "Thank you for everything, sir."

"No problem," the mouse said as he walked away, back into the city.

TOM: And it doesn't occur to either one he should probably testify?

CROW: [Mouse] Man, that's the nineteenth female mouse I've found today that's been beaten all over. Oh well. Almost time for Rush Limbaugh.

Gadget slowly started to walk to the tree which held Ranger HQ, remembering Leviathan and Don, and what Leviathan had done to her.

JOEL: C'mon - suck it up and rise above it, whiner.

She slowly climbed up the tree, tired after her long ordeal. She weakly knocked on the door.

"Maybe that's her now!" Gadget heard Chip say behind the door to Ranger HQ. He opened it and had a look of horror on his face.

TOM: [Chip] Your hair... it's... uncombed!

"Ch...Chip..." Gadget then fell unconscious.

-END Chapter IV-

TOM: Time to go, guys.

CROW: A hot shower, Joel.

[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G]

[SoL]

[J&TB stand around, looking annoyed.]

CROW: And they turn the hot water off. A fanfic like this, and they -

JOEL: Well, look on the bright side. We can use this time more productively.

TOM: Ooh, thrills.

JOEL: No, really. Like, we know that "Leviathan" is just about the dumbest name possible for a land-bound mouse, so...

TOM: Oh, I see! We can think of better names for him!

[Crow rolls eyes in disgust.]

JOEL: Right. Now first, we need to come up with a list of distinguishing characteristics.

TOM: Well, he's tiny, and laughably arrogant.

CROW: Harlan Ellison!

JOEL: Good!

TOM: Norman Mailer!

JOEL: That's also good!

CROW: You know, I didn't think I'd like this, but it's kinda fun.

JOEL: And he's sadistic --

[Gypsy pops up.]

GYPSY: Collision alarm! Rocket #9 on hexfield!

[Lights and sirens begin to hoot.]

JOEL: Yikes!

[CUT TO: the usual bad effect of an incredibly tiny spacecraft docking with the SoL.]

JOEL: [V.O.] Looks like we've got boarders.

TOM: [V.O.] Now who can that be?

[CUT TO: Bridge.]

LEVIATHAN: It is I.

[J&TB look around unable to find him. Crow points at a spot on the floor, behind the puppet table.]

CROW: Wait, there he is. Down there.

[Everyone looks down at the floor. Leviathan cannot be seen from Cambot's angle.]

JOEL: Oh, hi there, little guy.

LEVIATHAN: I have come to find out how strong you are.

TOM: What are you going to do, punch Joel in the ankle?

[Everyone giggles.]

LEVIATHAN: [angry] Do not mock me, robotic one, for I am a master of more martial arts than you can spell.

CROW: Drunken mousie style kung fu?

TOM: Kat-rate?

CROW: Squeak-jitsu?

TOM: You know, it's just beginning to dawn on me how stupid this is....

JOEL: Guys, guys, there's no need to be rude-

LEVIATHAN: [enraged] THAT'S IT! YOU DIE, JOEL!

[Sound effect of a small tap. Total silence and lack of response on Joel's part. Then he breaks into a grin and the bots start to laugh.]

JOEL: Look, I'm sorry, but you just weigh a couple of ounces - [Sound effect of several blows with "Kiyah!" noises being made as Joel starts to look annoyed and the bots laugh hysterically.] Look, you're kinda starting to get on my nerves.

LEVIATHAN: This cannot be! The author is on my side!

JOEL: Double check the byline.

[Pause.]

LEVIATHAN: Uh-oh...

JOEL: Uh-oh is right.

[He stomps, violently. The Bots react with horror.]

TOM: So, his perfect name is now Pancake?

CROW: Joel, how does it feel to be a murderer?

JOEL: Well, Crow, I really believe that all the creatures of the universe are as one and that to harm any is to diminish them all. But... it feels good. Yeah, it feels good.

[Bots mill about nervously. Commercial Sign flashes.]

TOM: We've, uh, got commercial sign, sir. If that's okay with you.

[Wordlessly, Joel swats the flasher.]

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater.]

JOEL: I'm really glad Gypsy was able to resuscitate him.

TOM: I'm not.

JOEL: Well, I feel bad about it now --

-Chapter V-

"Oh, guys..." Chip came over to Gadget,

TOM: Wait -- did Chip say that or Gadget?

held her head to his chest, and stroked her head in comfort as she cried.

JOEL: Ah, a weeping Gadget. The hallmark to all classic Ranger fanfic.

CROW: Help me.

"Shh...it's all right, Gadget...we're all here now...it's okay...shh..." Chip quietly comforted Gadget as the other Rangers walked over to her and

TOM: Laughed.

Chip. "Listen to me, Gadget." Gadget looked up at Chip and wiped the tears

TOM: Of laughter.

out of her eyes. "We want you to stay here for about one more day.

JOEL: [Chip] Regardless of what the doctors said.

We're gonna go look for this Leviathan, and we want you to be safe, okay, Gadget?"

TOM: [Chip] So we're leaving you by yourself.

"Okay, Chip," Gadget answered. Chip turned to the other Rangers.

"Guys, let's go. I think she needs some time alone."

CROW: Hasn't she been alone up to this point?

"Sure, mate. See ya later, Gadget-love," Monterey said.

JOEL: [Monty] Hope those bleeding cuts heal quick!

"See ya soon, Gadget!" Dale called as he left the room with Monty and Zipper.

CROW: [Dale] Too bad about you getting beat up like that!

A few moments after they left, Chip turned to Gadget.

TOM: [Chip] Mind if I borrow your MiniDisc player while you're gone?

"Gadget, I promise that we will find Leviathan and make sure he gets what he deserves for what he did to you," Chip told her.

TOM: Knowing how most authors write their Mary Sues, they'll offer him a position as a Rescue Ranger.

Then he realized that Gadget was asleep; she had cried herself to sleep.

CROW: [Gadget] Why can't these fanfic authors leave me alone?!

Chip walked over to Miss Hackwrench,

JOEL: Why is it all so-called "tender" moments have to be formal?

CROW: Sort of defeats the purpose, huh?

moved her hair out of her face, kissed her forehead softly, then quickly left the room.

"Chip,

TOM: [whoever's speaking] Would you stop coping a feel when Gadget's unconscious?

do ya think Gadget's gonna be all right?" Dale asked his partner.

JOEL: She was only beaten, electrocuted, and nearly pulled apart, after all.

"Physically, yes.

JOEL: See?

Emotionally, however..." Chip trailed off as he though about what Gadget had said.

CROW: Thought, even.

Then he looked around.

TOM: [Chip] You see a snack bar?

"Dale, where's Monterey?"

CROW: [Dale] Drowning his sorrows in whiskey. Why?

"I dunno. He said he had to go visit an old friend." * * *

TOM: That line got three stars.

JOEL: Indeed.

Monterey Jack and Zipper walked over to the grave which they had so recently visited,

TOM: Why isn't Zipper flying?

except this time

JOEL: They had a pass that ushered them to the front of the line.

--after some heavy negotiation--they were joined by Chip and Dale.

TOM: Wait - Monterey left.

JOEL: Right.

TOM: And then he talked Chip and Dale into following him after he left?

JOEL: Uh....

All four stopped in front of the grave and kneeled before it.

CROW: [Monty] We must pray to the God of Cheezeits.

"Geegaw, these two here are me mates Chip and Dale. They wanted t' say somethin' to ya," Monterey spoke. Dale approached the stone first.

CROW: [Dale] Well, thanks for coming out tonight! Oh, you really can't come out that well right now, huh? Ha! (rimshot) Thank you, you're a beautiful audience!

"Um, Mister Hackwrench, sir," Dale said nervously, for he had never done anything like this before.

TOM: Speaking to the dead is something he normally only did in Meghan's works.

"I just wanna say that, um, I really think that that Leviathan guy shouldn't have done what he did to your daughter,

ALL: Duh!

and we're gonna catch him for you. Um, Chip?"

CROW: [Dale] A little participation would be nice here.

Chip rose and walked up to the grave.

JOEL: [Chip] I'll be doing a scene from "Blithe Spirit".

"Geegaw, it's a shame we never met you.

TOM: [Chip] And we're going to cure that right now. Start digging, guys.

From what Monterey Jack and Gadget have told us about you, I think you would have made a great Rescue Ranger.

CROW: [Chip] Gadget sure as heck can't fly straight--

But now, we're going to avenge Gadget for what Leviathan did...to...her..." Chip stopped speaking, and, for one of the few times in his life, broke down and cried.

TOM: [Geegaw's grave] Whoa -- hey! You're ruining my topsoil!

JOEL: Chip needs to stop going to cemeteries -- he keeps crying over the graves whenever he's in one.

He loved and cared for Gadget, and he never wanted any harm to come to her or any of the Rangers. The others walked over to him.

CROW: [Monty] What a baby.

"I...failed...to keep her safe...I...should...have stayed with her..."

CROW: [Haltingly] We need... actors people who can... read lines... convincingly...

"Easy there, Chipper," Monterey told him. He put his hand on Chip's shoulder. "You didn't know that would happen..."

CROW: [Monty] She was just going off by 'erself, like all the other times that she wound up in life-threatening encounters... oh, that really isn't that great of a reassurance, eh?

"But I could have stayed with Gadget!" Chip shouted.

TOM: But you didn't.

He knocked Monty's hand away. "I could have kept her safe!

JOEL: But you didn't.

Then she wouldn't be lying in a hospital right now, crying her heart out because someone tortured her!"

CROW: But she is.

TOM: Yeah, great job, Chipper.

He ran off, alone and in a rage unmatched by any feeling he had ever felt before.

TOM: Well, except maybe that time he missed the season finale to "Dallas"-- No, no, not even then!

"Chip! Chip, wait up!" Dale started to run after Chip, but Monterey and Zipper again stopped him in his tracks.

JOEL: Well, Monterey, at least.

"Dale, let's give Chip some time to cool off." 'I think he needs time alone more than any of us, even Gadget,' he thought to himself.

TOM: Uhm, excuse me? Who's speaking here?

CROW: I guess it's the author.

The three remaining Rangers then returned to Ranger HQ in the Ranger Plane. * * *

TOM: Why not? It's not like anything ever happens to a Ranger when they're alone, right?

"Have they found Chip yet?" Gadget was sitting up in her hospital bed, talking to Foxglove.

CROW: [Foxglove] Well, half of him--

Beside Foxglove was Silvia, who had heard about what happened and came to see Gadget.

TOM: They say good news travels fast.

"No, I'm afraid not," Foxglove answered. "It's been almost ten hours since they said Chip disappeared, and they still don't have any clues as to where he went."

JOEL: [Foxglove] David Copperfield has really been embarrassed -- normally he can make the volunteers reappear a lot quicker!

"Gadget, how could anyone do...this...to you?" Silvia inquired.

CROW: [Gadget] Oh sure, I'll happily explain every detail of my abduction and torture, just so your own morbid little curiosity is sated.

TOM: [Gadget] By the way, who the hell are you?

"I know you have enemies, but one who would..."

TOM: Take your pick.

"I know." Gadget cut her off.

JOEL: It's hard to cut someone off if they've already trailed off.

"I just wish I knew who that guy was, or why he really kidnapped me."

CROW: It was probably all an elaborate scheme to kiss her.

JOEL & TOM: Ewwww....

"Well, don't worry, Gadget," Foxglove said cheerfully. "The Rescue Rangers will find that Leviathan guy and make him pay for what he did to you."

CROW: [Foxglove] Eighty cents should replace the coveralls, but the hospital stay will be the big cost.

"If they can find Chip first," Silvia added. Only she laughed at her own joke.

TOM: That bad, huh?

Foxglove was giving her a dirty look, and Gadget merely looked away from both of them. Silvia then realized what she had said. "Oh, Gadget...I'm sorry, I..."

JOEL: [Silvia] Won't quit my day job.

"It's alright, Silvia," Gadget said forlornly, not even looking at her.

CROW: Unable to face such a rude creature.

"I just wish I knew where Chip was, too." Unknown to any in the room, Chip was right outside, on his knees, looking down at Gadget through the window.

TOM: Hold it. He's kneeling, looking down on Gadget? So... what? -- he's on the wall?

CROW: [singing] Spider-Chip, Spider-Chip! Does all the things that are hip!

He was now concerned with finding Leviathan.

TOM: [shaking] Then why is he peeping on Gadget?!

"Gadget, I promised you I'd find the guy who did this to you. I won't break that promise!"

CROW: [Chip] I'll go right after you've had your sponge bath from that hot nurse.

Chip stood up and walked away.

JOEL: Up the wall, to the roof, then spun a webline and swung away.

Gadget and her friends continued to talk.

JOEL: [Silvia] Don't you think you should tell Chip you're carrying Dale's child?

TOM: [Foxglove] And that for some reason it's a moose?

"Well, I've got to get going," Silvia said, looking at the clock on the wall.

JOEL: [Silvia] Time to go denigrate another bedridden friend!

"I'll see you later, Gadget."

CROW: [Gadget] Like Hell. Get out.

"G'bye, Silvia." As Silvia left, Gadget turned to Foxglove. "Foxglove,

CROW: [Gadget] Will you be a dear and murder that little--

will you help the Rangers out for me? Until I come home tomorrow, that is?"

"Sure, Gadget!" Foxglove knew that now she could spend some more time with Dale--hopefully. "You want me to go now?"

TOM: [Foxglove] Please, Master, inform me as to what I shall do, as I have no will of my own.

"Wait," Gadget said. "Foxglove, make sure that they find Chip before they find Leviathan--or before Leviathan finds him."

JOEL: [Gadget] Do not return until my wishes have been carried out, slave.

With those words embedded in her mind, Foxglove left the room, then left the hospital and flew into the starry night to look for Chip. * * *

TOM: Hey, cool! It really is starry out!

"Crikey, this city's bigger than I thought!" remarked Monterey Jack as he brought the Ranger Plane down for a three-point landing in front of Ranger HQ after an exhausting night of searching for the missing Ranger.

TOM: And since the Ranger Plane only has two landing gear struts, it wasn't easy.

JOEL: [Monty] Crikey, that sentence was longer than I thought!

Foxglove landed shortly thereafter. "I didn't think Chip could hide forever in there, but he's certainly doin' a good job of it right now!"

CROW: He's only one chipmunk in a major city, after all. How many places are there for him to hide, really?

JOEL: I just want to know if that was Monty or Foxglove talking.

"Don't worry, Monty. Chip'll show up sooner or later," Zipper said as Dale opened the door.

CROW: In a bodybag, for instance--

"Why, I bet he's probably inside, waiting..." As Dale turned and entered Ranger HQ, he, nor anyone else, couldn't believe the sight before his eyes--

JOEL: It's Lucky with his box of Lucky Charms! Get him!

Chip was indeed waiting inside Ranger HQ, and he standing next to Leviathan, who was tied up, gagged, and unconscious. "Whoa!" was all he could muster.

TOM: Uh, Leviathan said that?

JOEL: While gagged?

CROW: And unconscious, no less?

JOEL: Geez, you just can't shut the guy up!

"Chip!" Foxglove cried out. "Is this that Leviathan guy?"

TOM: [Foxglove] I expected him to be a lot bigger and covered in seaweed--

"I had a hard time tracking him down, but I eventually found him, and...persuaded him...to come with me," Chip said with a mischevious grin.

JOEL: [Chip] The sap is a sucker for Mega Man T-Shirts.

"All right, you monster! Now you're gonna get it!" Monterey Jack walked up to Leviathan. "You hurt me old mate Geegaw's little girl, and now I'm gonna hurt YOU!"

JOEL: [alarmed] He's going to do his Saturday Night Fever dance!

ALL: NOOOOOOOO!!!

"He won't feel it, Monty. He's out cold."

TOM: So?

Zipper examined his eyes,

JOEL: [Zipper] Still big, yellow, and not compound. Strange.

then confirmed what Chip had said. "Oh. Well, when he wakes up..." Monterey dragged the captive over to a nearby corner and tossed him into it.

CROW: The real Monterey would have tossed him through it.

Foxglove started for Gadget's room, sleepy after a hard night of searching for Chip.

JOEL: Haunted with the knowledge that she had failed her Master's mission utterly.

"Guys, do you think Gadget would mind if I used her bedroom?" Foxglove yawned. She was ready to hit the hay--so to speak.

TOM: Was that a joke?

JOEL: I guess.

"Go ahead, Foxglove. Have a nice nap," Dale called as he walked towards Leviathan.

TOM: Wasn't Dale facing Leviathan while he was walking towards him?

When he heard Gadget's door close, he turned to the captive. "Okay, you..."

"Shut up." This came from Leviathan, who had regained consciousness and spit out the gag.

CROW: [Monty] Oh, that's what happened to my underwear!

He tried to stand up, but found that he was tied up. He looked at Chip. "If HE hadn't hit me from behind,

TOM: God hit Leviathan from behind?

I wouldn't be here right now."

JOEL: A master of martial arts gets downed with one hit from behind. Riiiiight.

Leviathan struggled, then with all his strength, snapped the rope which held him down much to the awe--and fright--of the Rangers.

CROW: There we go! Much more like the Mary Sue we know and love.

"But since I'm here, I'll just do my job--and destroy all of you right now."

TOM: Then why didn't he destroy Gadget when he had the chance?

JOEL: He must have gotten a bad performance review after that session.

"If it's a fight you want..." Monterey rushed him. Leviathan gave him a spinning roundhouse kick.

JOEL: Monterey sighed and put it with the other six spinning roundhouse kicks he got last Christmas.

Chip and Dale watched as the resident muscle mouse was knocked across the room, then as Zipper was batted away in the same direction as Monty.

CROW: Big surprise.

Then the two chipmunks rushed the "captive."

TOM: They'd probably get a lot farther if the attacked him as a group.

"Give me a break," Leviathan sarcastically pleaded as he somersaulted over the boys.

JOEL: "The boys"? Steve is a personal friend of Chip and Dale, now?

Chip and Dale ran into the wall, thus getting knocked out in the process.

TOM: These are the Rangers that have survived numerous encounters with Nimnul, Fat Cat, and a host of other villains?

CROW: Ah, but they never had to take on a Mary Sue... at least not since the last "New Ranger" fanfic.

Looking around, Leviathan chuckled. "Now, how can I easily destroy them?" Just then the door opened. Leviathan turned to see Gadget in the doorway.

"Guys, I'm

JOEL: [Gadget] Carrying Dale's child/moose--

...oh...no

.." Gadget saw Leviathan standing there,

TOM: [singing] I saw you standing there....

and saw the other Rangers slumped on the floor, passed out.

TOM: Tanked, again.

She knew she was in serious need of help-- and quickly.

-END Chapter V-

CROW: Not just "end", but "END".

JOEL: Those are long skid marks.

-Chapter VI-

CROW: Pick up sticks.

"Oh, no...please...leave me alone..." Gadget started to back out slowly of Ranger HQ. Leviathan quickly followed. "Stay away from me..."

TOM: He follows while telling her to stay away?

"I don't think

JOEL: 'Nuff said.

aaaAAAHH!" Leviathan grabbed his head and dropped to his knees. "My

CROW: [Leviathan] VCR isn't programed to tape "Taste" tonight!

my head...what the..." He slowly got up, still holding his head. "What...what am I doing here...where..."

TOM: [Leviathan] Have all the flowers gone?

"Stay...away...from...GADGET!!!" Leviathan turned around to see an enraged Chip barreling straight for him. He connected a head butt to the stomach, knocking

JOEL: His lunch out.

THE BOTS: Ewwww....

Leviathan backwards. Gadget jumped to the side to avoid him, but lost her balance and fell off the side of the runway.

TOM: Wait. The edge of the runway is right next to the door?

CROW: Easier to get rid of those annoying girl scouts.

She grabbed a tiny branch on the way down. "Guys, I need help!" Gadget knew that the branch she was holding on to wouldn't support her weight for long. "Quick!"

TOM: Unable to support the weight of a petite, female mouse. Uh-huh. Sure. Right.

"I'm coming, Gadget! Just hold on!" Chip knew he only had seconds to get the Plunger Harpoon, load it, and fire a plunger with a string long enough to reach Gadget.

CROW: By the time he had finished that thought, though, she was already street pizza.

It was hopeless. Then he turned to see Leviathan get up and look down at Gadget.

"No...I remember now

JOEL: [Leviathan] I was supposed to record that intro with Queensryche....

...it's--it's impossible...I...I...NOOOO!!" Leviathan jumped over the side of the runway.

ALL: Yayyyy!!!

Chip was suprised to see a small grappling hook fire from out of his right sleeve and grab the side of the runway.

ALL: Booooo!!!

He was even more surprised--and grew angry--when he saw him swing over to and

TOM: Fro. CROW: [Rod Sterling] A planet where mice evolved from apes?!

grab Gadget.

JOEL: He seems to make all his moves when the female is helpless, doesn't he?

"Gadget, take this rope, climb it, but don't let go." Gadget nodded,

CROW: Trusting in the horrid being implicitly.

took the rope in her hands, then started to climb it. When she was halfway up, Leviathan bit a piece of the rope at the bottom, near his sleeve.

TOM: [Leviathan] Time to floss.

He dropped down to the ground, hitting hard against it.

JOEL: Against the soft grass and sod. Gotcha.

"What did he just do?" Chip had seen what Leviathan did,

TOM: Then why did he ask?!

and after helping Gadget onto the runway and reviving the other Rangers, he quickly rushed down to check on him,

CROW: If he was helping all the other Rangers first, then it wasn't that much of a rush.

the others right behind him. "Gadget...he..."

JOEL: [Chip] Wants his bus tokens back.

"He...saved...my life..." Gadget could hardly believe that Leviathan--who had earlier tortured her--saved her life, then took his own.

TOM: It was a rather pathetic plot line, all right.

Then she saw Leviathan's eyes blink. "Guys, he's not dead! Look!"

CROW: [Gadget] Let's correct that mistake....

"Crikey! That's one tough mouse there!" Monterey was amazed at this.

JOEL: Monterey is also easily impressed, it would seem.

Leviathan had fallen almost the entire height of the tree, yet he was still alive. 'No mouse could 'ave survived that fall. No normal mouse, anyway...' he thought.

[All guffaw.]

TOM: Yes, he was born on another planet, sent here with powers not of normal mice--

"What do we do now?" Dale asked.

CROW: [Hopefully] Bury him?

JOEL: He's not dead.

CROW: So?

"We get him to a hospital," Chip said.

TOM: [Hopefully] Then bury him?

"WHAT?!?!?" All of the Rangers were shocked to hear this--all of them, that is, except Gadget, who understood why he had said this.

JOEL: Then, technically, it wasn't all the Rangers, but we digress.

"He saved my life. The least we can do is save his," Gadget explained.

TOM: [Gadget] And I mean the least -- he'll be dropped off out in the middle of the desert with no money, clothes, or water.

The other Rangers made no attempt to argue this point, and simply helped carry him to the hospital. * * *

JOEL: They're supposed to be rodents, not sheep.

CROW: Heck, they're supposed to have a backbone.

"...oh, man...where am I?" Leviathan quickly sat up, only to discover that he was in a hospital room.

TOM: Whew! That was a crisis avoided there, eh?

The other Rangers were waiting at the back of the room for this event to occur.

CROW: Eagerly, they started their version of "Riverdance"--

They had waited all morning.

CROW: Practicing.

Now they had Leviathan trapped--there was nothing he could do to escape, no way of fighting back.

JOEL: The author is on his side. Don't hold your breath.

"You...you brought me here...after what I did to her?" he asked, pointing to Gadget.

TOM: [Chip] It was either this or "Chuck E. Cheese's", and Dale was outvoted.

"We couldn't let you die," Gadget explained.

CROW: [Gadget] Not until we have a bunch of robots beat the living tar out of your worthless hide and then shock you into unconsciousness.

"You saved my life. Even though you did what you did, if you saved my life, the least we could do is save yours.

TOM: [Gadget] And I mean the least. You'll be left--

Besides, the doctor said you only had a broken leg and a fractured arm. Or was it a fractured leg and a broken arm? Or..."

JOEL: [Gadget] Maybe we should just break your arms and fracture your legs to cover the bases.

"Gadget-love, we get the picture," Monty interrupted. 'Too-ra-loo, only a broken arm and leg? But how? That fall shoulda killed him!' he thought.

TOM: [Monty] My hero!

"Well, now that you're awake," Chip started. He grabbed Leviathan. "Do you mind telling us why you tortured Gadget?!?"

CROW: [Leviathan] Yes.

"Listen, Rescue Ranger," Leviathan warned, grabbing Chip's arm.

JOEL: He's gotten formal real quick.

TOM: Does that mean this is supposed to be a tender shakedown?

"I didn't do it to her on purpose."

CROW: [Leviathan] I slipped and fell on my "Mouse Mangler" button--

"You're saying you acidentally harmed Gadget like that?" Dale screamed.

TOM: [Leviathan] I just did. Are you deaf or just dumb?

Now he and Chip were angry to the point that they would actually harm Leviathan.

TOM: The torturing of Gadget they could overlook, but questions not being answered -- that's going too far!

"Let me explain..."

JOEL: [Leviathan] I have this evil twin... oh, wait. I am the evil twin.

"No, mate, I'll explain somethin' to you..." Monterey moved toward their fallen foe.

CROW: [Monty] I'm not wearin' pants!

Gadget stopped him before he could reach Leviathan.

CROW: [Gadget] Later... later....

"Guys, let me talk to him alone. I might be able to get more out of him than you could."

JOEL: If you had a bilge pump, maybe.

Gadget couldn't believe what she had just said--and neither could the other Rescue Rangers.

TOM: [Dale] This wasn't in the script!

The guys discussed this between each other for a second, then turned to their friend.

JOEL: One second? That's it?

CROW: Not a hard decision, I guess.

"Okay, Gadget, we'll let you talk to him alone," Chip reluctantly agreed.

TOM: [Chip] It's not like you ever get into danger when you're by yourself.

"Remember, we'll be right outside this door if you need us."

JOEL: [Chip] Scream if you're killed.

As they walked out the door, he turned and whispered to Zipper. "Zipper, look in the window and keep an eye on him for us."

CROW: [Chip] Earn your keep, filth.

"Right!" Zipper replied. When the door closed, he flew up to the window and watched. * * *

JOEL: [Zipper] Gadget's saying that it's real hot in there--

"Leviathan, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?" Gadget asked as she went to sit in a chair a small distance from Leviathan.

JOEL: Pulling out a notepad before beginning the session.

The bedridden mouse then rose

TOM: On the third day.

and sat on the side of his bed.

"As you wish. I was born twenty-eight years ago in this city. I was a lonely kid.

CROW: [Leviathan] But aren't we all, in a way?

I never had any friends; all of the other kids thought I was too weird.

TOM: Go figure.

My parents were nice,

JOEL: [Leviathan] Aside from naming me after a biblical sea monster.

but I was never sure if they cared for me. While I lived with them, they always made it a daily ritual to beat me over the head..."

TOM: [Leviathan] Ah, those were the days!

"Oh my gosh..." Gadget had never heard of such a thing--ever. She suddenly felt untold compassion for him.

CROW: Sure, why not? Tack on loving admiration while you're at it, too.

"Your parents...beat you?"

TOM: [Leviathan] At chess, at poker, at yahtzee -- they were terrors of any game!

"Every day for ten years. Whenever I tried to tell someone, they never listened.

CROW: Because then he would have gotten proper help, which would mess up the "dark" aspect of the story, and we can't have that now, can we?

So, when I was thirteen, I left home and searched the city for another place to live. There was a mission

JOEL: [Leviathan] They say my mission will change the world. We'll all stand proud.

where I stayed at for about a year. Then I thought about returning home."

"So did you?"

TOM: [Leviathan] No, I only thought about it.

"I tried. The night I went back, however, the house where my parents lived had caught fire.

CROW: [Leviathan] When I tossed in a Molotov.

I rushed in and tried to rescue them, but...I failed.

JOEL: [Leviathan] Maybe if I had tried. Oh well. Did you see the Bears game?

This scar is from a falling piece of wood during that fire that struck me. I never felt the pain of it. I was too busy trying to save my only family...in vain..."

TOM: He was vain about trying to save them?

CROW: Dramatically jumping into the fire, hot wind blowing his long coat back....

"Oh, Leviathan..." Gadget never realized that anyone could have a life like his.

JOEL: [Doug Henning] She lived in a fantasy world of illusions and rainbows!

She wanted to ask more, but she was afraid she was being too personal. "Um, Leviathan, did you ever, well,

TOM: [Gadget] Listen to Howard Stern?

make amends with your parents?"

"During the fire, my parents got caught behind a fiery pice of wood.

CROW: [Gadget] Answer the question, please.

JOEL: "pice"?

There was no way for them to escape. I forgave them as I was dragged out of the house by a fireman--or firemouse, as the case may be--and forgave myself for running away.

TOM: [Leviathan] While I was on a roll, I forgave Ginger Spice for leaving, George Lucas for "Howard the Duck, Lassie for running away--

They forgave me for that, too. Those were the last words they spoke,

CROW: [Leviathan] Besides, "AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

and that was the last time I ever saw my parents."

"Golly..." Gadget was now sorry she had ever asked him to tell her about his life.

CROW: He was frightfully dull.

She saw a small tear drop down Leviathan's face and over his scar.

JOEL: And a big crybaby.

At the same time, tears formed on Gadget's blue eyes, as she not only thought about Leviathan's terrible past, but as she remembered her own, late parents, Geegaw and Bridget Hackwrench. * * *

JOEL: Who also had been blocked behind a fiery "pice" of wood -- what a plot twist!

"I became a drifter after that. I traveled around the city, and helped people in trouble for about twelve years.

CROW: [Leviathan] You wouldn't believe how often that torture room was needed!

I could never live with my failure to save my parents,

TOM: [Leviathan] So I killed myself.

JOEL: So that's what stinks about this.

so I tried to make up for that loss by saving others in need of help.

CROW: [Leviathan] Admittedly, the torturing aspect of the plan is something

of a hindrance -- but it is the part I like most.

About two years ago, I met Don, my partner. Together, we trained in martial arts.

TOM: [Leviathan] Because everyone who wears a trenchcoat has to. Union rules.

I learned it quicker than he did, although he knows quite a bit himself. After about three months of training, I became a vigilante and basically did your job when you couldn't--

JOEL: Yeah, well, I guess placing a high value on all life has something to do with it.

no offense, however, since from what I've heard,

CROW: [Gadget] All vicious lies!

you guys do a great job."

"Thanks..."

TOM: [Gadget] Now what does this have to do with you torturing me!?!

Gadget could hardly believe what he was saying. A vigilante-- a one-man Rescue Ranger group--

JOEL: Except for Don, but we'll ignore that.

had tortured her! 'What drove him to this?'

JOEL: A Hyundai?

Gadget wondered. She looked at the window in the door and saw Zipper; she had not looked that way the whole time, and assumed that it was time for her to leave.

TOM: [Gadget] My lieges are calling.

"Sorry, Leviathan, but I've gotta go. I'll come back tomorrow, if you want..."

TOM: She forgives quickly, doesn't she?

JOEL: More like she forgets quickly.

"Sure. Oh, and Gadget?" Gadget turned to Leviathan. "I've never shared that with...anyone...

CROW: [Leviathan] Not counting the guy who sells pencils on 5th and Main.

thanks for listening."

"Leviathan...I sorta understand what you went through myself.

JOEL: In the same way that the Titanic was "sorta" unsinkable.

I'll tell you about that tomorrow...goodbye..." Gadget left the room. The other Rangers turned towards her.

TOM: Man, what's with the turning? Are they all on pivot mounts?

"Well, what did he say?" Dale asked.

TOM: Gadget turned to Dale.

"Yeah, Gadget-love? Why did he..."

CROW: Gadget turned to Monterey.

"Guys, you wouldn't believe it..."

TOM: [Bewildered] But... why shouldn't they believe it?

Gadget simply walked to the Ranger Plane.

JOEL: The Ranger Plane turned to Gadget.

The other Rangers looked at each other, shrugged, and walked back to the Plane and headed home.

CROW: They walk to the Plane, then walk back home?

TOM: Gadget doesn't want to lose the Plane's parking space.

-END Chapter VI-

-Chapter VII-

"Hello? Leviathan?" Gadget had knocked on the door to his room, but heard no reply.

TOM: [British accent] Hello, Mr. Sea Monster from the Bible? Uhm, hello? Hello?

"Are you awake, Leviathan?" she whispered, so as not to either wake him if he was asleep or to disturb anyone else in the area who was asleep. She had come early that morning, not bothering to wake the other Rangers.

CROW: You know, if she purposely sets off alone all these times, she really

is asking for the horrors visited upon her by overly-enthusiastic fanfic

writers.

"Come in, Gadget," Leviathan called. Gadget walked into the room to find her savior walking around on crutches in his familiar black cloak.

TOM: Oh please -- the rest of the Rangers have saved Gadget's life dozens of times, yet she never thinks of them as her "saviors".

JOEL: Much to Chip and Dale's dismay.

"Man, I hate crutches..."

CROW: [Leviathan] How can I possibly brutalize the public like this?! I mean, uh--

"I guess you get used to them, huh?" Gadget joked.

CROW: That was a joke?

JOEL: Ah, laughing at the misfortune of others -- funny!

TOM: And perfectly in-character, no less!

"In my line of business, I guess so," Leviathan laughed. It was the first real laughter Gadget had heard from the troubled mouse.

CROW: Well, not counting the time they watched that "Double Dare" marathon.

She actually felt at ease with him now; as if he weren't going to do any harm to her.

TOM: Yes folks, she really is that stupid!

"Well, shall we continue where we left off?"

JOEL: [whoever's speaking] I have another nutcase due in at three.

"You said that you understood what I had went through. How so?"

CROW: She read ahead?

"I...um..."

TOM: Psst! She forgot her lines again -- get the cue cards up!

Gadget was too afraid to speak now. The memories brought back so much pain...so much sadness...

JOEL: So many ellipsis.

"Gadget? If you don't want to talk about it, I understand."

CROW: [Leviathan] After all, I have ways of making you talk--

"No, I really want to talk." Gadget started digging deep into her soul to bring back the painful memory of her parents' deaths. "My parents both...

TOM: [Gadget] Liked Neil Diamond....

died...without me ever saying goodbye to them."

"Gadget...I'm sorry, I...I didn't know..." "No, it's fine. Like you,

JOEL: [Gadget] I dealt with it by torturing good people to the brink of hysteria.

I've never shared this with anyone--not even the other Rangers." The inventor now started to cry softly. "My

CROW: [Gadget] Contacts are hurting.

mom...Bridget...right after she gave birth to me, she died. My father died in a plane crash over five years ago. He was going to compete in an air race...

JOEL: So... he had the plane crash before the air race?

CROW: A mouse ahead of his time.

he never came back...

TOM: [Gadget] He flew off to Rio and left me with the bills.

oh, Leviathan..." Gadget buried her head in her hands and cried harder and longer than she ever had before in her life.

TOM: Wait. So every time that Gadget thinks about her past she falls into an unbelievable crying fit?

JOEL: I think someone has been reading too many of Meghan's stories....

"Shh...it's okay..." Leviathan slowly limped over to Gadget and comforted her in the same manner

CROW: When she was his prisoner.

TOM: [Leviathan] For your own good! [zzzzt!] How many lights are there, Gadget?! [zzzzt!] Four, right?! [zzzzt!]

Chip had done when she first told the Rangers of what had happened to her. "Gadget, you are one of the most beautiful women I've ever

JOEL: Tortured.

laid eyes upon. How do you manage to have such beauty on the outside when,

TOM: [Leviathan] You pork out on cupcakes like nobody's business?

like me, your soul is scarred and bruised?"

JOEL: Technically, it's known as "plot contrivance".

CROW: In layman's terms, we call it "crud".

"I know," Gadget said, drying her tears and looking up at the resident philosopher.

JOEL: Who? Mr. Torture here?

TOM: He must have known O'Brien.

CROW: [Leviathan] That was stupid, Winston! Er -- I mean, Gadget!

"Days after my father died, I closed myself off from the world, building traps that would keep others from ever reaching me.

CROW: [Gadget] They failed, of course, making me even more miserable.

I was too afraid of having anyone around...getting too close to them, only to have them leave me like my parents did. Then, four years ago, the Rangers met me, and I decided to live with them--to make them my new family."

JOEL: [Gadget] It's completely proved my fears wrong, but I choose to ignore that.

"Gadget, I just realized something," Leviathan spoke.

TOM: [Leviathan] Monty never wears pants.

"We've lived almost similar lives.

JOEL: [Leviathan] If you overlook the trivial fact that we have nothing in common.

Our parents have died, we never got the chance to tell them goodbye,

TOM: Didn't he tell us earlier that he forgave his parents and they forgave him?

JOEL: Don't start.

and we've tried to make up for that loss. I had my way of doing so,

CROW: [Leviathan] The same way of the Spanish Inquisition.

and you had yours. We've never forgotten them,

TOM: [Leviathan] No matter how hard we try!

we must never forget them, and hopefully, someday, we'll see them again.

CROW: [Leviathan] Shirley McLane is an old friend of mine.

Until that day comes, Gadget, we must continue to live our lives to the fullest."

JOEL: [Leviathan] Maiming and torturing others as we please.

"You're right." Gadget stood up and hugged Leviathan. "Thanks, Leviathan.

TOM: [Gadget] For giving me mental scars for the rest of my life.

I really feel a lot better now." Unknown to either mouse, however, Zipper had seen what had happened.

JOEL: How? Clairvoyance?

He had received strict orders from Chip to keep an eye on Gadget,

CROW: And he had learned long ago the price of failure.

and to report whatever she did concerning Leviathan directly and only to him.

JOEL: What? The Rangers are now the CIA?

Zipper was now carrying out the latter part of his task, and was flying back home at full speed to Ranger HQ to report to Chip. * * *

TOM: This type of trust is what all the best teams are built on.

"Leviathan?"

"Yes, Gadget?" Leviathan was now looking out a window, leaning on his crutches.

"I was just wondering--

CROW: [Gadget] Would you electrocute me again?

how did you save my life? I mean, how did you fire that grappling hook?"

TOM: [Gadget] I thought it was part of the union.

"That is one of my tools. Look here." Leviathan pulled up his right sleeve. Gadget looked in amazement at a device attached to Leviathan's wrist.

TOM: It's a digital watch. So?

It had a grappling hook, at least a foot of wire, and a small firing mechanism.

CROW: Ah, a Swiss Army watch, no less.

"Did you make this yourself?" Gadget asked in awe.

"Yes. I have a similar device on my left arm, but that one is a little bit more complicated than this one," Leviathan said, looking down at his left arm.

JOEL: Uh, why?

"Can I see it?" Gadget's curiosity was like one of a little child.

TOM: Which fits in perfectly with the portrayed image of Gadget with a soul that is scarred and bruised, of course.

"Of course," Leviathan replied,

TOM: See?

and he lifted up his left sleeve. Gadget was even more amazed to see a device similar to the one she had just seen,

CROW: She's easy to impress -- we get the point!

yet the new one was equipped with a miniature crossbow, another grappling hook launcher, and a set of four claws.

ALL: [singing] Do-do-do-do-Do! Inspector Gadget! Do-do-do-do-Do! Whoo-hooooo!

"The claws are retractable, and I control this device with my own thoughts."

CROW: That Marvel lawsuit is pending.

"How can you do that?" Gadget questioned, examining the blades.

TOM: [Gadget] The blatant rip-off, I mean.

Then she noticed a small wire running into his arm, with a small plug connecting into the device.

JOEL: So his highly-sophisticated cybernetic hinges on an extension cord?

"I had an operation which ran that wire up my arm and connected it to my brain.

TOM: [Leviathan] They had to transplant one in first, of course.

The plug connects the wire--and thus, my brain--to a mini-computer,

CROW: A minicomputer is a computer smaller than a mainframe yet larger than a desktop, or microcomputer. This mouse has an implanted computer weighing over a hundred pounds. We now return to our story.

which I use to control the blades, the crossbow, and the grappling hook. It's complicated, but maybe one day I'll explain it to you."

CROW: [Leviathan] When you're older, honey.

"Wow..."

TOM: [Gadget] That's pretty lame.

It was the only word Gadget could muster from her vast vocabulary. She was in total awe of this mouse and the devices which he had created--

JOEL: Because she's on the payroll.

one of which had saved her life. "Y'know, you'd make a great Rescue Ranger, Leviathan!"

TOM: Yeah, they've been looking for someone with no trace of morals or humanity for a while, now.

"I think I would too, but I don't know if the other Rangers would like me being so close to you,

CROW: [Monty Python accent] Say no more, say no more!

especially after what I did to you."

JOEL: [Gadget] Oh, what's a lifetime of re-occurring nightmares between friends?

"Hey, wait a minute! You never told us that--why did you do what you did to me?"

JOEL: Oh yeah - she forgot completely.

TOM: The term is "torture"! It's not something you can't say by name!

"It's one heck of a story, Gadget..."

"Too bad you won't have time to hear it! You're leaving!" Gadget spun around to see Chip standing in the doorway, with Monterey Jack, Dale, and Zipper directly behind him. "We don't exactly like the idea of you being near him!"

TOM: Which is why they had no problems leaving her alone with him the day before.

CROW: Makes perfect sense.

"Chip's right, Gadget! We all know what he did to you!" Dale chimed in.

CROW: So it's okay to show explicit torture in a Rescue Ranger story, so long as none of the characters ever mention it by name.

JOEL: Apparently.

"How do you know he won't do it again?"

"You know what? I haven't even got me punch in yet!" Monterey walked into the room and over to Leviathan. "Now you're gonna get it!"

TOM: [Monty] Gimme yer glass, and I'll ladle up a cup for ya. It's a citrus blend--

"Monty, no!" Gadget looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Monty had no idea why, but he backed off of Leviathan as soon as he looked at her. "Guys, leave us alone. We were only talking about..."

CROW: [Gadget] Stuff.

"Gadget, let them stay. If they want to hear the names of the criminals who forced me to torture you, that is," Leviathan said. All of the Rangers piled into the room.

TOM: [Dale] Well, we already entered the room, but once more can't hurt!

Chip shut the door behind him.

"You've got two minutes to explain yourself," Chip stated. * * *

JOEL: Stated with such force that everyone saw stars....

"About two weeks ago, Don and I were walking

JOEL: Down Madison?

TOM: In Memphis?

CROW: The Dog?

around the city when two unnamed criminals approached me with an interesting offer

TOM: He doesn't know their names, but knows they're criminals. Gotcha.

JOEL: If he doesn't know their names, than how can he tell the Rangers?

CROW: Hah! He's stalling.

--they could make me the richest mouse in the world--if I just got rid of all five of you."

"Who were they?" Chip asked. He looked at the clock--one minute, forty- five seconds left.

JOEL: The Broncos didn't have much time to score before the game was over....

"I'll tell you in a minute. After I refused their offer, we were jumped from behind," Leviathan related. "I was knocked out immediately.

TOM: You know, for someone who's supposed to be this expert fighter, he sure is prone to being knocked out easily.

When I awoke, we were in a small metal room--similar to the one I kept Gadget in.

CROW: [Leviathan] It had no floor. Really inconvenient.

We were subjected to a form of mind control, and, while under hypnosis, we were ordered to destroy the Rescue Rangers--starting with Gadget, then eventually the rest of you."

CROW: Sure, they can trust that story perfectly. You bet.

"So it wasn't your fault you hurt me! You were being controlled by someone else who forced you to do it!" Gadget exclaimed.

JOEL: Ain't that handy?

"So who did it, mate?" Monty asked, noting that Leviathan now had one minute left.

TOM: So this is Final Jeopardy now?

"Who put ya up to it?"

"Again, that can wait.

CROW: [Leviathan] Until I can make up something--wait! I didn't say that!

The hypnosis we were under apparently either temporary or not that strong, because after I saw Gadget again, my mind began to come back under my control.

JOEL: So to speak.

I realized what I had done, and I wanted to only save Gadget, then destroy myself." Leviathan looked at his legs. "I failed in the second part of my task, as you can see.

JOEL: [Leviathan] Boy, is my face red....

Don's hypnosis must have worn off much earlier than that,

TOM: Because he realized what a wretched story this was and got out while the getting was good.

because he kept trying to stop me from harming Gadget. He must not have remembered our little encounter, because I kept trying to explain to him what those two villains would do for us if we destroyed you, but he wouldn't listen.

CROW: [Leviathan] Fortunately, he didn't try to stop me forcefully or set Gadget free or anything else like that. Maybe if he had a backbone.

Now you know what happened." The Rangers now realized that these two criminals were the "employers" Leviathan had referred to during his talk with Don.

TOM: Thanks for pointing that out for me. I was a little lost, there, I must admit.

"Okay, we know what happened, and why you harmed Gadget," Dale said. "But who was controlling you?"

CROW: [Dale] The Membari or the Changelings?

"I believe they are two of your arch-enemies: a mouse named Norton Nimnul and Fat Cat."

JOEL: [Gadget] Oh, yeah, I forget about them whenever someone asked who would want to torture--I mean, to "do this" to me. They're only arch-enemies, after all.

CROW: Nimnul's a mouse?

TOM: It ties in with a better story.

CROW: Most stories are...

-END Chapter VII-

JOEL: Fanfic line. Do not cross.

TOM: Too bad the author didn't listen.

-Chapter VIII-

"Nimnul and Fat Cat!" Chip exclaimed. He, nor any of the other Rangers, made a note of the time any more. "They teamed up to take us out--and forced you and Don to do their dirty work!"

TOM: And they needed to team up to do this, why, exactly?

"They'll do anything to rule the world," Gadget explained to Leviathan. "We've foiled every one of their plans so far!" she bragged.

JOEL: And now the scarred and bruised soul of Gadget is bragging. Oh dear.

"Apparently, they weren't expecting you to stop this one.

CROW: [Leviathan] Which is pretty stupid, given your track record.

At least now I remember everything. I can tell you that I was put under their control in this huge building that looked like it had a giant globe on the top of it..."

TOM: He can tell this because he was inside, you know.

CROW: Oh, I know.

"Nimnul's laboratory!" Dale shouted. "That's where you were! But if Nimnul is still a mouse, how can he use the equipment in there?"

"Maybe he got Fat Cat to do it," Monterey joked.

CROW: Uh... Ha, ha...?

"Or maybe he became human again," Zipper said.

TOM: Maybe he rigged up a weird system of pulleys and levers.

CROW: Maybe he got Lassie to go get help.

JOEL: Maybe the author didn't want to bother with it.

Every one of the Rangers thought about this. Nimnul may have had a backup Molecular Rearranger at his lab. They had never considered this.

JOEL: You can store the darnest things on Zip disks these days!

"I do remember seeing a human with thick glasses and a white lab coat. He was short and bald, too," Leviathan said.

TOM: But... didn't he say Nimnul was a mouse?

JOEL: [Shouts offstage] Continuity!

"That's Nimnul, all right!" Gadget was moving towards the door. "C'mon, guys, let's go give those two a good reminder that the good guys always win!"

CROW: Except in fanfics.

"Right! Rescue Rangers..."

ALL: Run away!

"Wait." Every one of the Rangers turned and looked at Leviathan. "I want to go with you. After all, I want a little revenge myself. Can I return to your headquarters with you?

JOEL: [Leviathan] Can I? CanIhuhhuhhuhCanIplease?!?

I can help you plan for your assault on Nimnul."

"Sure, I guess.

ALL: [The Rangers] Duhhhhh....

Is it okay with you guys?" Chip asked Monty, Zipper, and Dale. Each of them nodded yes.

JOEL: Not having received permission to speak.

"Gadget?"

JOEL: [Gadget] Woof!

"Fine with me. I'll get the Ranger Plane ready." Gadget walked out of the hospital to the Ranger Plane--and saw the Ranger Wing sitting right beside it.

TOM: Playing poker. The Ranger Plane accused the Wing of cheating, and things started to turn ugly....

* * *

"What...who..."

TOM: Nobody has a clue as to what's going on in this story, do they?

CROW: Good. I don't feel so bad, then.

"We took it to a mechanic and had it repaired while you in the hospital.

TOM: [Chip] Just to remind you that you can be replaced.

JOEL: Great, Chip's talking like Tarzan now.

CROW: [Chip/Tarzan] While you in hospital, dishes not cleaned. Glad you back.

It was going to be a surprise when you woke up, but..." Chip trailed off.

JOEL: [Chip] So now we have to knock you out and try it again. [POW!]

He and the other Rangers had helped Leviathan out of the hospital

CROW: By throwing him out the window.

and were now helping him into the Ranger Wing. Dale and Monterey flew with Leviathan in the Ranger Wing, while Gadget, Chip, and Zipper rode in the Ranger Plane.

"Golly, Chip, I thought that you wouldn't want Leviathan near me after what he did to me!"

JOEL: Guys, I'm guessing that Steve apparently did think that "torture" was a "dirty word".

TOM: I'd have to agree.

"Well, I guess he's okay," Chip said.

JOEL: [Chip] It's not like he forced a kiss upon you when you were held helplessly to the rack -- why are you gagging like that?

"I mean, he didn't try to hurt you while you were alone with him, so I don't think he'll try to hurt you again."

TOM: Thus explaining why the others never "officially" made Chip the leader.

Chip knew, however, that Leviathan would have to be watched closely during his stay at Ranger HQ--a job he would now take care of personally.

CROW: [Tor Johnson] Chip have new best buddy!

"Y'know, Chip, Leviathan's led a very harsh life.

JOEL: Which, of course, excuses all of his present behavior.

You wouldn't believe what it was like."

TOM: So let's forget the whole thing right now.

For the remainder of the flight, Gadget related as best she remembered what Leviathan had told her about his life to her friend. Chip, as Gadget had predicted, hardly believed what she had said.

CROW: [Chip] And you believe that crock of--

"You're kidding!" Chip exclaimed. "You mean..."

CROW: [Chip] You meanie!

Gadget nodded. "Oh, man...

JOEL: [Chip] Those White Castle burgers I had are catching up with me... [urp].

I've never heard of anything like that happening. Y'know, I think I understand his motives now--why he became a vigilante."

TOM: [Chip] In fact, I think we need to install a torture room in the tree as soon as we get back.

"So do I." Then she thought silently, 'But I understand more than his motives, Chip.'

CROW: [Gadget] Robots pummeling me mercilessly has opened my eyes to his plight.

Gadget landed the Ranger Plane behind the Ranger Wing. All of the Rangers helped Leviathan into Ranger HQ, then led him to the couch so he could rest.

CROW: After all, he did spend the whole day at the hospital... uh, resting.

"Thank you very much, Rescue Rangers.

TOM: [Leviathan] But why are you strapping me down? And what's that anvil overhead for? Kinda a strange windchime--

I'm going to rest for a while, so I don't want to be disturbed, okay?" Leviathan sat down on the couch.

CROW: [Leviathan] Got that, punks?

"Sure, Leviathan. We'll wake you up just before dinner.

TOM: [Chip] That's what the anvil is for.

That okay with you?" Chip asked.

JOEL: [Chip] Mr. Pansy-Boy?

"Fine. See you in about ten hours." Leviathan laid down, then shortly went to sleep. The other Rangers went about their normal daily chores,

JOEL: Their normal daily chores last ten hours each?!

CROW: And if it's ten hours before dinner, wouldn't they want to wake him up for lunch?

albeit a little quiter, so as not to disturb their unexpected guest. * * *

"Leviathan, wake up," Dale said as he lightly

JOEL: Cut the line holding the anvil up.

shook Leviathan. Leviathan slowly rose and returned to reality.

TOM: So he woke up after he stood up?

"What, dinner time already?" Leviathan joked.

CROW: Ha. Ha ha.

TOM: I've got to confess - I have problems with Strider's humor.

JOEL: Maybe he thinks "joked" is a synonym for "said."

He took his crutches and followed Dale into the kitchen.

CROW: Why'd he take them if he isn't using them?

The other Rangers were waiting for their friend and their guest before starting to eat.

TOM: Leviathan was stated as the guest, so where's their friend?

JOEL: Wolf and Wescott are probably in the back rooms.

"What are we eating tonight?"

TOM: [Dale] Two mice that were roasted alive in a house that burned down over ten years ago. Why?

"Cheese chowder--my favorite," Monterey called.

CROW: Ugh. The roasted mice would have tasted better.

He brought in five plates of cheese chowder--Zipper had once again gone out for dinner.

CROW: Anything to get off the set.

"You ever had any, Leviathan?"

JOEL: [Leviathan] Roast mice? Well, now that you mention it--

"Hmmm...only once, when I was a kid," Leviathan said.

ALL: AAAAAA!!

Chip and Gadget simultaneously looked at him. "My mom made the stuff from a recipe a friend of hers had given her.

TOM: I thought Cheese Chowder was an old recipe from Monty's family?

JOEL: I doubt Steve worried about it.

I think his name was Geegaw...Geegaw Hackwrench..."

"You knew Geegaw Hackwrench?!?" Gadget leaped up from her chair. She had never told Leviathan the name of her father, so he didn't know who Geegaw really was--or why Gadget asked about him.

TOM: What with "Hackwrench" being such a common name and all.

CROW: [Leviathan] Oh, no, wait -- now I remember. He was the person I tested all my torture devices on. Oh, I was under mind control then, too. Really.

"I kinda remember him. I was only ten years old when I saw him last. He was a very nice person.

JOEL: [Leviathan] For an idiot.

I remember his kid, too.

CROW: [Leviathan] What a dork! If she ever found out I was the one who broke her toys -- why are you looking at me like that, Gadget?

She was about six years old when I last saw her...always making stuff with things around her--blocks, paper,

JOEL: [Leviathan] Component atoms.

anything. I forgot her name, though..."

"It was Gadget. Geegaw was Gadget's father, mate," Monty explained.

JOEL: Rather casual for a heart-stopping revelation, isn't it?

TOM: Well, this is Monterey Jack, and he's eating cheese.

"Oh...I--I didn't know..." Leviathan was about to stop speaking and eat,

CROW: But the hideous taste of the chowder was causing him to--

but the smile on Gadget's face told him everything was okay. "He was very resourceful and smart, Gadget.

JOEL: So resourceful and smart, in fact, that he was cut down in the prime of his life.

You definitely inherited both of those traits."

CROW: [Leviathan] Expect your death any day now.

"Golly, thanks..." Gadget started to blush. Chip and Dale were starting to turn green with jealousy.

TOM: Actually, my money's on the stench from the pile that Leviathan has been shoveling out.

"Well, ready to eat?" Monty started to eat. Everyone soon followed suit.

CROW: Ah, a formal dinner.

-END Chapter VIII-

TOM: Time to go, guys.

[Door sequence run in reverse.]

[SoL]

[Joel is seen in a close-up shot.]

JOEL: Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Love's dramatization of George Orwell's immortal classic "1984", starring the characters of "The Dark Savior Saga". Playing the part of the emotional distraught Gadget, who is cast as Winston, will be our very own Tom Servo.

[The camera trucks back, revealing Tom strapped to a small rack set-up on the counter. He's wearing mouseears, a jumpsuit, and has his arms stretched back.]

JOEL: Playing the part of madman O'Brien, portrayed by Leviathan, is Crow T. Robot.

[Crow pops up from behind the counter wearing a long trenchcoat.]

JOEL: Here, they will re-enact the infamous scene in the Ministry of Love.

[Joel steps off-camera while Crow advances meaningly on Tom.]

CROW: So, tell me Winston--

TOM: Gadget

CROW: Right, Gadget -- how does one rodent assert his power over another?

TOM: By getting the author on his side?

CROW: Exactly. By being a surrogate. Favoritism is not enough. For unless the other rodent character is suffering, how can you be sure that you are truly to most powerful creature in the author's world? Power is inflicting pain and humiliation on characters you don't like. Power is in tearing established personalities to shreds and rebuilding them in entirely new forms to your own liking. Power is having Gadget fall in love with you.

TOM: Power is being a Fanfic author?

CROW: Yes! Do you see the type of world they are creating in Ranger fanfics? It is the exact opposite of the stupid innocent world of comedy and adventure the series was about. These are worlds of angst and suffering and depression, a world of chapter-length descriptions of characters crying, a world that will depress mice enough to swallow DeCon and jump into an open cat's mouth. Progress in these worlds will be progress towards building the better mousetrap.

[Pause.]

CROW: It's pretty depressing when you think about it.

TOM: Uh... isn't that the whole point?

CROW: Oh, right! [ahem] Now, you shall go to Room 101, where you will have the idea -- the idea of taking a good story and turning it into a complete slap in the face to anyone with a cerebral cortex -- drilled into your head!

TOM: [fearfully] Wh-what's in Room 101?

CROW: [darkly] You know what's in Room 101, Winston -- Gadget -- whoever you're supposed to be.

TOM: You mean--

CROW: Yes! It's where you're strapped into a "Clockwork Orange"-style chair and are forced to watch the live action version of "101 Dalmatians" over and over again! Hahahahaha!!

TOM: NOOOOOOOOO!!

[Crow continues his maniacal laughter while Tom wails piteously. The commercial light starts to flash.]

CROW: [abruptly stopping] Oh.

TOM: Commercial sign. See you in a couple of minutes, everyone.

[They resume screaming and laughing.]

[Joel and the bots enter the theater.]

-Chapter IX-

"Boy, that was good, Monterey," Leviathan remarked as he headed for the main room of Ranger HQ. The other Rangers followed him and settled down on the couch to watch the evening news.

CROW: [Chip] Dum dee dum... maybe there will be a special feature on how rodents could attack Professor Nimnul....

Leviathan turned to Chip. "Chip, is there a guest room here? I'm going to go ahead and get some sleep."

TOM: [Dale] We'll wake you up when we begin the torture.

ALL: [ala "Teenagers From Outer Space"] TO-CHA!

"Sure, Leviathan, right this way," Chip said as he got up and led Leviathan to the

TOM: Newly excavated pit leading to the coffee grinder.

guest room. As Leviathan entered the room, he turned to his host.

CROW: [Chip] Yes sir, Mr. Leviathan, sir! Nothing's too good for you, Mr. Leviathan!

"You love Gadget, don't you?" Chip was speechless at the accusation.

TOM: I never thought of love as something you "accused" someone of.

JOEL: Ranger fanfics, Tom. Just like X-Files fanfics.

TOM: Point.

"I noticed how you tried to keep her away from me. I know you love her."

TOM: What?

JOEL: Yeah, right - if he didn't love her he'd trust you implicitly. GET A CLUE, MORON!

"I...well...er..." Chip could no longer contain his thoughts and emotions.

TOM: And told Leviathan exactly what he thought of him.

He ran to the door, shut it, and locked it, then turned to Leviathan. "Yes! Yes, I love her! I love her more than any girl I've ever known! Ever since the first day I saw her, I loved her with all of my heart and soul! I've wanted to tell her for so long! It's tearing me apart inside!"

CROW: [Leviathan] No, that's the parasite I snuck into your food. Sucker!

"Then tell her," Leviathan said. It half sounded like an order and half sounded like a request.

JOEL: And all sounded like a Mary Sue character.

"Maybe she loves you, too."

"NO!!!" Chip exclaimed.

CROW: [Chip] That'd be horrible!

"I can't tell her! Do you know how the other Rangers would react if Gadget and I told them we were in love? Especially Dale! He's been competing with me over Gadget ever since we first saw her!"

TOM: [Leviathan] Just tell him, 'Nyah, nyah nyah nyah nyah!'.

"That doesn't matter. Tell her you love her. Even if she rejects you, at least you'll have gotten it off of your chest. You'll feel better if you do."

JOEL: Yeah. Sure.

TOM: Sounds like the voice of experience....

JOEL: Don't go there.

CROW: He'll throw you against the wall, Tommy.

JOEL: I can vouch that is the voice of experience.

TOM: Oh.

Leviathan laid his crutches against the wall and sat on the bed. "Trust me. You may never again get the chance to tell her. Do it now...before it's...too...late..." Leviathan trailed off as he laid down and went to sleep.

CROW: [Chip] Nope, that didn't sound like a threat. Not one bit.

'Maybe he's right,' Chip thought. 'Maybe I should tell her before it's too late.' Chip unlocked the door, opened it, then left the room and shut the door quietly behind him. * * *

CROW: With a 'pice' of wood.

TOM: C'mon Crow - the spelling isn't bad. The plot, characterizations, and moral compass, now...

Later that night, Leviathan awoke, almost immediately, after hearing a small crash next door--the kitchen. He walked over to the next room, without his crutches, to find Gadget cleaning up a small spill and picking up some broken glass.

JOEL: Okay, so we're talking about glass that broke after falling maybe three inches?

"Oh, Leviathan, did I wake you? I'm sorry, really," Gadget said.

CROW: [Gadget] I wanted you to be asleep as I opened your veins.

She cleaned up the water she had spilt, while Leviathan cleaned up the glass. "I came down for a glass of water, but my hand slipped and I dropped the glass."

"That's okay, Gadget. We all make mistakes,"

TOM: [Leviathan] Like me - I torture people. D'Oh!

Leviathan replied as he threw the glass in a nearby trash can, then started for the door. "Well, good night, Gadget."

"Leviathan, wait." Gadget grabbed Leviathan's arm. He turned his head to look at her. "Your parents...I just wanted to know, well, were they nice people?"

JOEL: [Gadget] Apart from the beatings, of course.

"Yes, Gadget. They were good people. I really wish you could have met them."

TOM: I just don't believe this....

"But..."

"I forgave them after every time after they beat me. I had no other family, like you, so I had no other choice but to do so.

TOM: Actually, wasn't his other choice to run away, which he did?

I felt so bad leaving them. That's why I went back. I wanted to make amends. Then..."

CROW: So he's abused, and thinks he needs to make amends?

JOEL: Actually, that's not unusual.

CROW: Oh. That's depressing.

"Oh." Gadget touched the door. "Ow! Darn splinters!"

CROW: If she gets splinters that easily, wouldn't walking around barefoot all the time be... well... really dumb?

She and Leviathan looked at her hand. It was bleeding slightly.

TOM: He began to salivate, as her pain stimulated him.

"Where do you keep your bandages?" * * *

Gadget led Leviathan to her workshop, where she kept a small amount of medical supplies (among other things). "Amazing...did you build all of these things?"

CROW: No, Gadget did.

TOM: Wait, I think that was Leviathan talking.

JOEL: I think it was the door again.

"Yea, why do you ask?" Gadget handed him a bandage.

"It's just that...I've never seen anything like this before..."

CROW: His robots didn't count?

TOM: All they can do is beat the hell out of women. Spec issue.

Leviathan trailed off as he placed the bandage on Gadget's hand. Suddenly, Gadget took his paws in hers, then leaned over and kissed him. Leviathan drew back, startled. "Wha...why did you do that?"

CROW: [Gadget] Your beating me unconscious and kissing me against my will awakened the dormant woman within.

JOEL: Crow...

CROW: Call me a liar, Joel. Read this fiction and tell me I'm wrong.

JOEL: Okay, sorry.

"I...I don't know..." Gadget put her paw to her head and sat down. "I just...felt something, and...I just..."

TOM: [Shatner] Lives... four hundred... crewmen... at stake!

"Gadget, you care for me, don't you?"

TOM: I understand the sequel to this is "The Story of G."

JOEL: No, it was "9 1/2 Squeaks."

CROW: You're both wrong - he wrote a whole series of books set on the planet Gor-gonzola.

"Well, of course, you're our guest, and..."

CROW: [Gadget] And I always kiss our guests.

JOEL: No wonder the Ranger Tree got five stars from Fodors.

Gadget had quickly tried to cover up something. Leviathan sensed it.

[Everyone snickers, rudely.]

"I mean, personally. As like, say, a brother? Or a boyfriend?" Now it was Gadget's turn to be startled. "Truthfully, now..."

"A...a boyfriend," Gadget whispered. She looked down, as if she was ashamed to admit it.

CROW: Considering who we're talking about, she should be.

Leviathan now was starting to realize something.

JOEL: [Leviathan] My... God. I'm a Mary Sue and I work better as a villain.

He turned away from Gadget. 'I understand her,' he thought. 'I'm the only person, from what I can tell, that's ever understood her. She loves me because I understand her.' He shook his head, then turned to face Gadget. "Gadget, don't be ashamed."

TOM: [Leviathan] You're a submissive tramp, but you should be proud of that.

Gadget looked back up. Leviathan placed his hands on her shoulders. "I want you to understand something. I've met many women during my adult life, and most of them have fallen in love with me.

CROW: No, they said that to stop the beatings.

I can never make a commitment, however, because of my line of work.

TOM: Does he think Gadget sells Tupperware?

Even though you're the most beautiful mouse I've ever seen"--Gadget blushed--"I could never start a relationship with you, or any other mouse.

CROW: [Leviathan] Who consents.

Now, don't think that I don't care for you, because I do. Just not in the way you had hoped. Understand?"

JOEL: No, she only speaks Canadian.

"I...think so..." Gadget said, slightly dejectedly. "It's just that...well...

CROW: [Gadget] I...really...liked...the...cattle...prod....

you're the only person who's ever understood me. I just wanted it to be true...that someone loved me..." Leviathan now thought about what Chip had said.

TOM: Torturer and matchmaker.

JOEL: We could write a musical comedy and call it "Maim."

'Someone does, Gadget. Someone loves you very much,' he thought. "Listen, Gadget. Let's just go to bed and not tell anyone about this little, er, incident. Okay?" Gadget nodded her head in agreement.

CROW: [Gadget] Yes sir, Leviathan, anything you say, Leviathan.

"Leviathan?" The inventor looked up at her dark savior. "Just out of curiosity, would you have, well, commited to me?"

TOM: No, you consented.

"Without a doubt, if my life was different, yes, I would have." Leviathan then looked down at his legs. "Well, well, look at me. I forgot my crutches."

"But you've been walking perfectly all this time! How is that?"

TOM: Joel, do you suppose there's the slightest chance we'll ever meet a Mary Sue character who is not based on Wolverine?

JOEL: I don't know.

"I can't tell you right now. Maybe some other time?"

CROW: I call no way. If he's got a mutant healing factor, why does he have a scar?

TOM: Because that was caused by silver, which does aggravated damage.

CROW: Oh.

"Uh, sure. Good night, Leviathan!" Gadget left the workshop. Leviathan slowly followed, but sensed he was being watched, and turned in the opposite direction Gadget was walking to see a familiar silouhette disappear to another room. Leviathan quickly ran towards it, then looked in the window of the door the figure had entered. He saw a sheet slowly falling over a chipmunk in a bottom bunk.

CROW: So Gadget's a bottom.

JOEL: Right.

CROW: And Chip's a Peeping Tom - here and back at the hospital.

JOEL: Right.

CROW: What about Dale?

TOM: He subscribes to the Not-Furry Image Archives at the Velan Central Library.

CROW: And Zipper?

JOEL: Macro/Micro, obviously.

CROW: And Monty's oral, most likely. Okay... who'll go halfsies on a hit man?

-END Chapter IX-

-Chapter X-

"Well, good morning, everyone," Leviathan said as he entered the main room of Ranger HQ. He did not want to say anything directly to Gadget right off, or to Chip, who also knew what had transpired that night.

JOEL: Right - act natural.

He was fortunate, however, because it seemed like the Rangers were busy. "What's up?"

CROW: [Chip] Oh, we just decided to advance the plot while you were asleep.

"Oh, hi, Leviathan!" Gadget exclaimed. Then she turned back to Chip. "Are you sure Foxglove didn't come in? I mean, she's not in my room, but maybe she's outside in the tree."

"I checked every branch I could get to that Foxglove might rest on, but she wasn't there," Chip replied.

TOM: Isn't that 'rest under?'

"Crikey, mates, d' you think she's still in the city?" Monty asked.

CROW: [Monty] Even after th' way Leviathan slapped her around?

"Maybe she found a good place to rest for the day that was closer than Ranger HQ, like that Armenian church," Dale said. Then the Rangers realized that they were neglecting their current guest.

TOM: So, taking out fondue forks -

JOEL: You really dislike this character, don't you?

TOM: Maybe it's just the fact he hasn't said anything remotely like, "Gadget, I'm really sorry I beat the crap out of you." I mean, even granted he was under mind control, some kind of apology would seem to be in order.

"Oh, Leviathan, did you sleep well?" Gadget asked.

JOEL: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

TOM: [Gadget] I'm acting natural.

"Yea, did you?" Chip turned and gave Leviathan a real nasty look only he saw. Leviathan paid no attention to it.

CROW: [Leviathan] I disdain these insects....

"The best sleep I ever had," he answered.

TOM: [Leviathan] I'm acting natural!

"I was listening to your little discussion.

CROW: [Leviathan] You should feel honored by this.

There is the possibility that Foxglove may have been kidnapped by Nimnul and Fat Cat."

TOM: There is also the possibility that she is running for the post of Prime Minister of Canada and is on the set of "Royal Canadian Air Farce."

JOEL: Or that she doesn't perch in direct sunlight, like Dale pointed out.

CROW: But Leviathan is... Leviathan.

"Golly, why didn't we think of that?"

TOM: Because you didn't skip ahead in the script?

"Too right, mate! They'll be trying to lure us into a trap with Foxglove as the bait!"

JOEL: If I assumed someone had been captured by my enemies every time they showed up late for breakfast....

"So what do we do?" Chip asked.

CROW: Yep, that's Chip all right.

"I have an idea," Leviathan said.

TOM: [dully] Surprise, surprise.

The Rangers eagerly listened as their guest explained a plan to use just in case Foxy had been kidnapped--because they already going to pay a visit to Nimnul's lab that day. * * *

CROW: They were?

JOEL: Sure. That's the plot - remember?

CROW: Well... no.

"Do you really think this plan'll work?" Chip said to Leviathan.

TOM: Do Mary Sues ever come up with plans that don't?

The duo, along with Dale, were riding in the Rangermobile. Gadget, Monterey Jack, and Zipper

CROW: Who?

followed closely overhead in the Ranger Wing.

"I've tried riskier plans, and they've all worked. Besides, I've heard you've tried some pretty dangerous plans yourselves."

TOM: [Leviathan] Of course, without me, they didn't work.

CROW: [Chip] You're so cool, Leviathan.

"Hey, that's right, Chip!" Dale exclaimed. Chip made a mental note to bonk Dale later.

TOM: Uh, why?

JOEL: Because Dale just said the Rangers get into dangerous situations from time to time.

TOM: Huh?

"Hey, Gadget!" Chip shouted to the Ranger Wing. "How much further until we reach Nimnul's lab?"

JOEL: [Chip] I really gotta go!

"Not much further, guys," Gadget shouted back.

CROW: [Dale] Thanks, Triple-A.

"Well, let's make sure to go in on foot. We don't want Nimnul to see our vehicles-

JOEL: And they brought two because....

he'll know it's us for sure.

CROW: Instead of those other crime-fighting rodents.

Find a place to hide the Rangermobile and the Ranger Wing, then we'll continue on foot," Chip stated.

JOEL: Hey look - for a brief moment, Chip behaved like Chip!

Gadget turned the Ranger Wing down a dark alley. Only Monty knew where they were.

"Oh, no...C-C-C-Cat Alley!"

CROW: [bewildered] But... but they've all been to Cat Alley....

TOM: And isn't Cat Alley in the middle of town, while Nimnul's lab is in the boonies?

JOEL: You know, guys, it's scary when we know more about the show than the actual author.

TOM: Or sad.

CROW: Or both.

Monty cowered in the back of the Ranger Wing.

CROW: Because everyone knows Monty is a bed-wetting little coward.

Zipper tried to make him stop, but it was no use.

JOEL: Monty's been in "New Ranger" fanfics before, and he knows what is expected of him.

"MEEEEOOOOOWWW!!!" A group of cats had emerged from the darkness to look at the Rangers and Leviathan. "Well, well, lookee here, fellas!" the first cat said. "Lunch!"

[The screen goes blank. J&TB stand and face the back of the theater. Lights illuminate them, so they are no longer silhouettes. The bots are their usual colors; the special black robots were swapped out before the spots turned on.]

JOEL: Welcome to a special part of this show we like to call "Guess the Cliché?!"

CROW: This is to give our audience a chance to play along with us, from the comfort and security of their own homes.

TOM: The rules are simple: we will pose three broad options for the next scene. You have to guess which comes closest to the one selected by the author.

CROW: Option A: The Rangers use their motorized vehicles to escape the cats.

TOM: Option B: The Rangers use diplomacy to convince the cats they should work together.

JOEL: Option C: Author avatar beats up everyone in a gratuitous and absurd fight scene.

TOM: Once you've made your selection, page down to see if you're correct! JOEL: Good luck!

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[Cue Jeopardy theme song.]

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[Jeopardy theme music stops. Lights return to normal theater illumination.]

"Not likely," Leviathan shot back. Chip noticed something.

CROW: Because he is a detective, you know.

The minute the cats had come out, Leviathan changed his expression from one with a smile on his face to one of anger and concern.

CROW: Leviathan was smiling?

He also noticed that four claws had emerged from his left sleeve at about the same time.

CROW: Wait -- did Leviathan just stab Chip in the arm?

JOEL: No, 'he' and 'his' refer to different people.

CROW: Ah -- pronouns.

Leviathan jumped at the cats.

[Everyone cheers and whistles.]

TOM: [Chip] Quick -- while he's distracted we can escape to a Meghan Brunner story, where love is gentle and positive.

"What the...!" Chip was genuinely concerned for Gadget's dark savior.

JOEL: Because...?

But, as unlikely as it seemed, when the smoke cleared, it was Leviathan who had come out on top.

TOM: [Sarcasm Sequencer] Ooo-- what a plot twist!

JOEL: For those participating in our home contest, "C" is the winner.

He was standing on top of the first cat, with the other two begging for mercy. His claws were now gone.

CROW: Claws for alarm, I guess.

"Alright, listen up."

JOEL: [Ash] You primitive screwheads--

Leviathan jumped down off of the cat's belly and stood at his head.

CROW: [Leviathan] Time for my yoga.

Now every cat in Cat Alley--much to Monty's extreme dislike--was watching this mouse.

TOM: This does kind of sum up Mary Sues, doesn't it? The main characters all sort of standing around, forming an admiring audience...

"You're going to let my friends park their things here and come back here to get them later. If you so much as brush a whisker against either of these vehicles or my friends, I will personally make every one of your faces look like his.

CROW: Whose?

TOM: Ernest Borgnine?

JOEL: Lance Henriksen?

Understood?" Every cat meowed yes in fear.

JOEL: Food chain? What food chain?

"Okay, Gadget, it's safe!" The Ranger Wing slowly descended and landed beside Leviathan.

TOM: [Gadget] Darn. Missed.

The Rangermobile was parked right behind it.

CROW: [Chip] If you get out of my way, I can still run him over.

TOM: Say, Joel, I've noticed you haven't come up with any Leviathan death riffs.

JOEL: I'm still working through my guilt.

TOM: You are the foot of justice.

CROW: Gandhi would approve.

"Mate, you gotta stick around for a while! We could use your help!" Monty told Leviathan.

JOEL: [Monty] 'Cause we're so helpless and noodly....

After seeing what Leviathan did, he, like Gadget, was now sure that he would be a perfect addition to the Rescue Rangers.

CROW: Doesn't the audience get to vote?

"I'll think about it," Leviathan responded.

JOEL: Lord, I have not asked you for much, but please let him take a position with the SWAT Rats.

He looked at the cat he had just clawed. He was getting up, and was obviously a little peeved.

JOEL: The cat?

TOM: Leviathan?

CROW: The door?

All of the Rangers stared at the cat's face. It was now covered with four scars on the right side. "So, you're back for more, huh?" Leviathan unsheathed his claws.

"Uh, well, heh, I, er, gotta get going, nice to meet you!" The cat ran off quicker than any cat the Rangers had ever seen run--even Fat Cat.

JOEL: I'm just so blown away by his machoness and stuff.

CROW: Oh yeah. When I think of testosterone, I'll always think of this guy.

"Well, let's go," Chip ordered. All of the Rangers and Leviathan exited Cat Alley and headed for Nimnul's lab. * * *

CROW: Only eight miles away....

"Well, well, well, they're right on schedule," Fat Cat said as he looked into a monitor on a computer about his size. The monitor showed a picture of the Rangers and Leviathan headed for Nimnul's lab.

TOM: Showing they were headed for Nimnul's lab.

CROW: As they headed for Nimnul's lab.

JOEL: So they are headed for Nimnul's lab?

"Good news, Professor;

JOEL: [Gilligan] We found a tree sap that acts like SuperGlue!

they're closing in."

"Goody! Our trap worked!"

TOM: They had a trap?

JOEL: You remember, Foxglove was late for breakfast so Leviathan looked ahead a few pages in the script.

TOM: Oh, that's right.

CROW: Hey wait a minute - the Rangers were going to go to Nimnul's lab, right?

JOEL: Right.

CROW: And then Leviathan said he had a plan, right?

JOEL: Right.

CROW: And now they're going to Nimnul's lab, right?

JOEL: Uh....

CROW: So... what was Leviathan's plan?

TOM: Uh... to go to Nimnul's lab.

CROW: But--

Nimnul walked toward Fat Cat. He was human,

CROW: Uhm, is this news, really?

JOEL: Earlier they said he might be trapped in mouse form.

CROW: Oh, that's right.

and for some strange reason, wearing a small box around his neck.

CROW: I'm guessing that's a small box on a necklace.

He could even understand what Fat Cat had said.

TOM: I'm glad the author told us that Nimnul understands Fat Cat, because you'd never know from the CONVERSATION THEY ARE HAVING!

JOEL: Easy, easy...

"When will they be here?"

"Knowing them, sometime in the next five minutes," Fat Cat replied. "You can always count on those rodents to be on time."

JOEL: Oh, they called ahead and made an appointment.

CROW: I guess we can scratch the covert approach tactic.

"Tell me about it," Nimnul joked.

[Everyone laughs raucously at this brilliant bon mot.]

He looked over to a nearby cage. "And thank you for your help, dear. Without you, I would have never got this little device." He held up the box to the cage. Foxglove could only stare at Nimnul with despair.

TOM: [Foxglove] Oh, pootertoots.

She knew what Nimnul and Fat Cat were planning for her friends. She wanted to try and stop them,

CROW: Stop her friends?

but due to the cage, she couldn't even try.

ALL: Quitter!

'If only there was some way I could warn them,'

CROW: But... why would she warn Nimnul and Fat Cat?

TOM: Would someone just revoke this author's pronoun license?

she thought bitterly. 'If those two hadn't forced me to get Gadget's voice box,

JOEL: Oh, yuck!

CROW: I'm wondering how Foxglove took Gadget's voice box without her noticing, or impairing her ability to speak.

TOM: It's a reference to another fanfic. "Home is Where You Hang Upside Down." It's one of Gadget's inventions, and lets animals talk to Humans.

JOEL: Oh.

CROW: But... then, shouldn't Fat Cat be wearing it?

TOM: Uhhh... let's move on.

they wouldn't be the team that they are right now. I've got to help the Rangers!

CROW: Win the Stanley Cup!

I can't let Dale get hurt!' She sat down and thought harder than she ever had before.

TOM: Which was distressingly easy.

-END Chapter X-

-Chapter XI-

"We're almost there, Rangers,"

TOM: Just a few more chapters to go!

Chip told the team. They had almost scaled the hill road that led to Professor Nimnul's lab.

TOM: Like in "Angels' Revenge."

JOEL: In what?

TOM: [singing] They're running, and running, and running, and running running running!

Now their purpose was two- fold: save Foxglove,

CROW: Who they have no way of knowing is in any danger at all...

and stop Fat Cat and Nimnul.

TOM: Not that the Rangers know they have any plans...

"Just a little bit longer, and we'll be there." "Then let's get up there quick! Who knows what they've done to Foxglove!"

JOEL: [Chip] Dale, how do you know she's in trouble?

This came from Dale, who was now running--something the Rangers had hardly ever seen him do.

TOM: More than five or six times in every one of sixty-five TV episodes.

After witnessing this rare event, the others now used their reserved energy and started to run up the hill behind Dale.

ALL: [singing] Over hill, over Dale
We work for less than Union scale....

"Come on...we can't--aaahhh!" Leviathan fell down and clutched his left leg. "My leg..."

JOEL: Hey, maybe there will be a plot twist, and we'll see that Leviathan really is working for the bad guys!

TOM: Stop trying to cheer me up.

"Guys, go ahead." Gadget stopped running and turned back to Leviathan. "I'm gonna help Leviathan."

CROW: [Gadget] Sure! Let's split the team up before going to meet the two major villains of the series!

TOM: [Chip] Great idea! We'll leave you alone with this dubious guy who tortured you yesterday.

"No." Leviathan glanced at Chip, who looked half relieved to hear the word. He slowly stood up. "You go with the Rangers, Gadget. I'll be up there shortly. Trust me."

TOM: Uh, why?

Gadget had no choice but to nod and continue running up to Nimnul's lab.

CROW: Because otherwise she would be showing independent thought.

TOM: And we can't have that.

"Gadget-love, why didn't ya try to change his mind?"

CROW: Because she hates him?

"There's something about him...I can't put my finger on it, but it makes you believe every word he says,"

JOEL: Well, to be fair, they did swallow that mind-control stuff.

Gadget replied, slightly lying. She knew why she left Leviathan behind, and although she didn't know it, Chip knew why, too.

CROW: Anybody got a clue?

TOM: No.

JOEL: Well, she loves him.

TOM: So she leaves him behind with a bad leg?

"Well, the more time we spend talking, the less time we've got to save Foxglove,

TOM: Who was Late for breakfast.

JOEL: And since she doesn't have a watch, that's probably pretty common.

so let's move out!" Chip turned to face Nimnul's lab.

"Rescue Rangers, AWAY!" * * *

"Hello! Anybody home?" Dale called into the darkness.

TOM: I'd say they need to invest in sneak training.

They had found a way to get into Nimnul's lab with ease, and were now searching for any signs of life within it. "Foxglove?"

"Over here, Dale!" Foxglove cried.

CROW: [Foxglove] I'm not going to mention that Fat Cat and Nimnul called me bait in a trap, because I'm as stupid as two pieces of dry toast.

The Rangers followed the sound of her voice over to her cage, where they found her standing up.

TOM: That's a strange detail.

"Foxglove, are you okay?" Gadget asked. "I mean, have they done anything to you?"

JOEL: Oh, God, there's going to be another bondage flashback...

"Not yet, we haven't!" All of the lights came on at once. The Rangers, startled, turned to see Fat Cat and a human Professor Norton Nimnul step out from the remaining shadows.

CROW: What?

TOM: Did they figure Foxglove flew into Nimnul's lab and locked herself into a cage?

JOEL: And for the last half hour, they somehow knew Foxglove was a prisoner, but they suddenly forgot?

"Ingenious device, this voice box! Wouldn't you say, my dear?" He stared at the inventor of the device.

TOM: [Gadget] No, that would be immodest!

"What..." Gadget turned to Foxglove.

"I'm sorry, Gadget...they hypnotized me...I couldn't help it..."

CROW: Okay, but if she's hypnotized, why the cage?

"It's alright, Foxglove." Gadget patted Foxy's shoulder.

JOEL: [Gadget] We're all under the same "Coercive Plotline" spell.

"QUIET!!!" Fat Cat stood up. "Now, Professor, what's the best way to exterminate pests in your average household?"

CROW: [Dale] Uh... you give them a lot of food and let them go away?

TOM: Please don't remind us how the characters actually act. It makes it hurt more.

"A cat, of course," replied the deranged little man.

TOM: Is this author self insertion?

JOEL: Bad Tom.

"But since this is an out-of-the-ordinary household, we need an out-of-the-ordinary cat! And I've created the best one ever!" The Rangers weren't going to try and make a break for it, for two reasons:

CROW: One: they have to let Leviathan save them.

TOM: Two: chipmunks really aren't very smart.

Foxglove wasn't safe,

CROW: She's stuck between Second and Third base.

and Nimnul or Fat Cat might stop them with another trap before they could escape.

JOEL: Oh, that's a good reason.

TOM: The ship's sinking -- why don't you get into the lifeboat?

CROW: Because the lifeboat might sink too.

So all they could do was stand still.

JOEL: Damn this limited animation!

"Behold, Rescue Rangers--the device that will finally get rid of you, once and for all!"

JOEL: TV executives?

Fat Cat laughed manically as Nimnul pulled the sheet off of his latest invention. "The ultimate robotic feline! It will chew you up, then grind what remains of you up in his gears!

CROW: [Nimnul] Which will gum up the system, shutting it down and allowing the rest of you to escape to wreck bloody vengeance on me later... wait.

Try and stop this marvelous invention!"

TOM: Oh, beta testing!

"Mates, you can officially start to panic." * * *

"Oh, man, what did I do to deserve this?" Leviathan thought out loud.

TOM: Would you like an alphabetical list?

"I've got to get up there quickly!" It had been only a few seconds after the Rangers had left him behind, but he was determined to catch up with them. "How do I get up there quickly?"

JOEL: Leaving their motor transport back in Cat Alley no longer seemed like a good idea.

TOM: Because it would get him up there quickly.

He thought for a second, then raised his right arm.

CROW: To flag down a passing mouse taxi.

A grappling hook came out, then clamped on to a nearby rock. Leviathan pulled himself up, then slid down the other side rather roughly.

TOM: Nice thinking. Why didn't you go around the rock, brainiac?

He saw the Rangers, although they didn't see or hear him.

CROW: Actually, they were just pretending not to recognize him.

TOM: [Chip] Mill around, people, mill around.

They were now in front of Nimnul's lab.

"Try and find a air vent, Zipper," Monty said. Zipper saluted, then flew around the domed building. He then landed back on Monty's shoulder, shrugging.

CROW: [Zipper] No air vents -- guess everyone inside's suffocated.

"Well, let's try and find another way in. Maybe there's a hole in the wall somewhere,"

JOEL: Or a door.

Chip suggested. The group spilt up, and soon they had found a hole in the side of the wall.

ALL: Somewhere.

Leviathan watched closely as each Rescue Ranger crawled into the hole, then disappeared into the darkness.

"Well, that's their escape route, I hope. Now it's my turn to get in."

TOM: [Leviathan] Or - die trying!

JOEL: Where did that come from?

TOM: It's the only tough guy cliché he hasn't used yet.

Leviathan unsheathed his claws, then started to scale the side of the building, with a little help from the grappling hook.

TOM: And he didn't just use the same hole the Rangers did because...?

When he reached the glass,

JOEL: Glass?

CROW: I thought Chip was the peeping tom.

he stopped. Now Leviathan could hear the Rangers and their two adversaries.

"...since this is an out-of-the-ordinary household, we need an out-of- the-ordinary cat! And I've created the best one ever!" Leviathan noticed that the Rangers were next to a cage with a bat in it; he assumed that the captive was Foxglove. Seeing Nimnul enraged him.

JOEL: Nimnul still owed him for the job.

'That's the human who forced me to harm Gadget! Just wait until I...'

TOM: [Leviathan] Can remember the rest of that line!

He was going to finish his thought, but looked back inside to see the biggest and meanest looking robot he had ever seen.

JOEL: Including the ones he built to beat up Gadget.

"The ultimate robotic feline! It will chew you up, then grind what remains of you up in his gears! Try and stop this marvelous invention!" Fat Cat laughed. Leviathan didn't catch what Monty had said, and he didn't care, either.

CROW: Monty was a mere original character, after all.

He wanted revenge. He stood on the glass, and after taking a deep breath, stomped on it.

JOEL: Wait, is he on a skylight?

TOM: Yep. And any minute now, we'll be expected to believe that a mouse can stomp on plate glass and break it.

-END Chapter XI-

-Chapter XII-

"What was that?" Nimnul screamed. He had heard a plate of glass shatter, then saw a mouse--or what appeared to be a mouse--fire a grappling hook that connected with a nearby pipe and swing over to a nearby computer.

"Nimnul, meet Leviathan!" Gadget taunted.

CROW: [Nimnul] We met when I hired him to torture you.

TOM: [Leviathan] Shhh! You're embarrassing me!

She didn't know how he had gotten up to the lab, or how he had even climbed to the glass dome, but she did know that her savior was here--and that he'd protect her and the Rangers.

JOEL: She must be delirious.

"Stop him! He'll ruin everything!!" Fat Cat shouted.

CROW: Fat Cat speaks for the audience.

Nimnul took a remote control out of his pocket and pressed a red button on it. The robot which had been silent seconds ago was now active. "Make sure that thing eats him alive!"

TOM: Heck, killing him first and then eating him would satisfy us!

"Sorry, boys, but it won't get the chance." Leviathan shot an arrow at Nimnul's hands. After having it lodge in his left hand, Nimnul dropped the remote and yelped in pain.

TOM: Needle in the hand takes a human out of the fight. Sure.

"Now, as for you..." He stared at Fat Cat.

CROW: [Leviathan] Since I've taken Nimnul out of the fray with a BB pellet....

"Guys, let's get Foxglove out of here, then help Leviathan!" Chip suggested.

CROW: [Monty] I say we get Foxglove to safety, and then help Fat Cat.

"Me and Zipper'll get Foxglove; you go on ahead!" Gadget exclaimed. Chip was the only one who was surprised to hear this. He thought that she would want to help her true love for sure.

"Right!" Dale and Monterey agreed. By the time the Rangers had crawled to the floor, Leviathan was already trying to slash at Fat Cat, while the pudgy pussycat was slowly backing up.

CROW: I'm guessing the author never really formed a mental image of this.

TOM: [Fat Cat] Oh no! A mouse with retractable claws! If only I had retractable... hey, wait a minute....

"Alright, mates, what now?"

"We get the remote and either shut that robot down

TOM: Joel, is the robot actually doing anything?

JOEL: Not that I can remember.

or turn him against its creators.

CROW: "Turn him against its creators." Just when you thought you couldn't do anything worse with pronouns....

Dale, distract Nimnul while Monterey and I go for the remote," Chip said.

"Okay!"

TOM: [Chip] Ha ha, Monty, watch that sap run ... okay, let's grab the babes and blow this clambake.

Dale ran towards Nimnul, who had now removed the arrow from his hand. "Hey, baldie! Down here!" He stuck out his tongue at Nimnul.

"You little...I'll fix you for sure!" He tried to stomp Dale, but he quickly dodged the Professor's shoe. Nimnul got angrier and tried harder to stomp Dale, completely forgetting about what was going on in the rest of the lab.

TOM: Well, I can see Nimnul doing this.

JOEL: See? This really isn't a bad story, if you ignore the Mary Sue character.

CROW: And the characterizations.

TOM: And the plot.

CROW: And the pronouns.

TOM: Which leaves what, exactly?

JOEL: Spelling.

* * *

"Hey, Chipper, what button do I press?"

CROW: [Monty] I don't see a turn-on-your-owner button... darn, Captain Kirk made this look so easy....

Monterey and Chip had gotten the remote control and dragged it over to a safe corner. From what they could see, the robot was activated, but was awaiting a command.

TOM: They could see the C prompt.

Leviathan was still keeping Fat Cat at bay,

CROW: Have you noticed how Nimnul and Fat Cat really don't seem like a pair of major arch-enemies for the Rangers?

TOM: Yeah. More like annoying insurance salesman.

and Dale was busy with Nimnul. By the time they had dragged the remote to safety, Gadget and Zipper had freed Foxglove, and all three had come over to them.

CROW: Not overly enthused, it seems.

"Try the one marked, 'Off,' Monty," Chip suggested with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

"Oh, yeah...heh, heh..." Monty said. He pressed the 'Off' button, and almost immediately, the robot shut down. "It worked!"

JOEL: See? Another in-character exchange.

TOM: I'm beginning to think you're right.

"Now let's get Dale and get out of here!" Chip exclaimed. Then he wished he hadn't, because he knew what Gadget was going to say.

"What about Leviathan? We can't just leave him here!"

TOM: Sure you can!

JOEL: Please?

As much as Chip hated to admit it, she was right.

ALL: BOOOOOOO!

"Gadget, he can take care of himself.

TOM: [troubled] But... didn't he just think she was right and couldn't leave him there?

Right now, we've got to get Foxglove to safety,

CROW: Because being a bat, she can't fly out or anything.

and we need to get Dale out of trouble!" Gadget glanced at Leviathan, then glanced at Dale.

"Okay, let's get Dale first. But we're coming back for Leviathan!" Chip had no choice but to agree with Gadget, and the group ran towards Nimnul. At that same moment, Fat Cat had knocked Leviathan away with his paw and was running for the remote. Leviathan tried to stand up and stop him, but he couldn't, and even if he could have, it was too late.

JOEL: Gee, it's just one excuse after another to explain away Leviathan's humiliating defeats and failures.

"Now, you Rescue Rodents, prepare to meet your maker!" Fat Cat pressed the 'On' button, then pressed another button below it.

CROW: The 'Air Fluff' button.

The mechanical monster started to turn to the Rangers, who had now retrieved Dale.

CROW: Wait - how did they retrieve Dale?

JOEL: Leviathan didn't do it, so who cares?

Now Nimnul moved out of the way, and the Rangers and Foxglove looked in horror at the giant metal beast.

"Foxglove, get out of here!" Dale commanded.

"Not without you, Dale!" Foxglove replied. She and Dale held each other tightly. All of the Rangers could see that Leviathan wasn't able to stand up, much less run over and distract either of the two madmen who had them trapped.

CROW: And if Leviathan can't save them, they're dead.

Then Gadget did something no one would have ever expected her to do--she sprinted over to Leviathan.

TOM: Yeah, it's not like she's supposed to be in love with him or anything.

"Stop her!" Nimnul exclaimed.

CROW: Uh... why not kill the other five first?

Fat Cat pressed another button, and the robot cat ran towards Gadget and Leviathan. The remainder of the trapped group were relieved,

TOM: A horrible machine is about to kill our friends! Whew, that's a relief!

but only for a second, because Fat Cat had now replaced the fake cat. * * *

"Leviathan, are you all right?" Gadget asked as she ran over to the fallen mouse. She lifted him up on her shoulders, then hugged him when he stood up on his own.

"I'm...fine..." Leviathan looked up and saw the robot in front of them.

JOEL: Which was waiting patiently for them to finish their dialogue before attacking.

TOM: Otherwise it would be impolite.

"Gadget--when I tell you to, run for your life. NOW!!!" Gadget ran away from Leviathan.

TOM: [Gadget] Yes, Master.

He then turned to the tin tabby. "Alright. Let's do this right. Here, kitty, kitty..." Leviathan jumped out of the way as the giant robot (well, giant to him, anyway :) snapped at him. He ran over to the computer Fat Cat had been using. The cat once more leaped at him.

"LEVIATHAN!!!" Gadget screamed in pure horror. Leviathan fired a grappling hook and pulled himself up just a second before the cat would have had him.

JOEL: It must be hard to scream that in horror. Maybe she should use a

nickname?

CROW: She could call him "Levi."

TOM: Or "Pancake."

JOEL: I said I was sorry!

"I thought it would do that." He pulled himself up to the keyboard, then looked down to check out the metal feline. It had smashed through the metal plate at the bottom of the computer, and was now shorting out. Nimnul and Fat Cat turned to see this.

TOM: It's a good thing there's no circuit breaker in that computer to keep it from doing this.

JOEL: Name me a cartoon where circuit breakers exist.

TOM: Fair enough. I withdraw the comment.

"What happened?" This distraction

JOEL: I guess the villains were also wondering who said that.

allowed the Rangers to run over to the hole they had entered through earlier. Chip instructed Zipper to lead Foxglove out, then take her at least a few feet away from the lab.

CROW: Where she could eat him in private.

"Gadget! Come on!" Chip shouted to Gadget. She was too busy noticing something about the computer Leviathan was standing on--it was about to explode. "Gadget! Hurry!"

TOM: I'll concede the circuit breakers, but I am not going to forgive explosive computers.

"I...I'm coming!" Reluctantly, Gadget ran over to the Rangers, unnoticed by Nimnul and Fat Cat.

CROW: [Leviathan] I'll just wait here, then. Dum de dum....

A few seconds after she reached the hole, however, the computer exploded.

TOM: How?

"Oh no!" Chip exclaimed.

CROW: [Chip] One down, now for Wolf and Jonathan Brisby IV. Heh, heh, heh....

"LEVIATHAN!!! NOOOO!!!" Gadget's voice box was pierced by a bit of shrapnel in the explosion,

TOM: Hope it's the one Nimnul's wearing.

so Nimnul heard none of this, nor did he hear Fat Cat run for his life.

CROW: So I guess the voice box translates the sound of running into English, too?

"I'm out of here!" The kitty kingpin ran for the door and jumped through it. Nimnul ran for another exit.

CROW: Tension. Suspense. Wow.

The Rangers, meanwhile, were holding back Gadget.

"I've got to find him! Let me go!" The Rangers forced her to exit with them. As they crawled out of the hole, they ran away from the fiery lab. When they were behind a rock, all of the Rescue Rangers ducked as the entire laboratory exploded.

TOM: So not only do cat-sized computers explode, but they also cause entire buildings to explode. Right.

CROW: Say what you like about 'Under the Bridge,' at least he wouldn't have a computer blow up.

Shrapnel which should have hit the Rangers was blocked by the rock.

TOM: Then why should it have hit them?!?

When they were sure it was safe, they turned back around. The lab was completely destroyed.

JOEL: Why aren't you cheering, Tom?

TOM: Because this won't stop a Mary Sue.

-END Chapter XII-

-Chapter XIII-

"Gadget, there was nothing we could do," Monty said as they flew back to Ranger HQ in the Ranger Wing; Chip was piloting while Gadget, Monterey Jack, and Zipper sat in the back. Dale had decided to take Foxglove for a drive in the Rangermobile.

JOEL: Nothing like being kidnaped and in a fight for your life to put you in the mood for a drive.

"But we could've searched for him...we..."

CROW: [Monty] He's blown to a billion bits, love.

JOEL: [Chip] Pink mist.

TOM: Yeah, sure.

"Gadget, if we had stayed any longer, we'd have been in that lab when it went up," Chip explained. "You know we couldn't have saved his life, even if we had stayed behind."

"No..." Gadget slammed her head into Monty's chest and cried.

CROW: Would it really hurt that much?

He and Zipper comforted her as they neared the tree which they called home.

TOM: [Monty] He's a bloody smear, luv. Grease on the pavement.

Chip was silent the rest of the way there.

'We couldn't have saved him,' he thought. 'We didn't have the time. But why don't I feel right about it?'

JOEL: Chip is generally quite pleased when someone dies for reasons beyond his control.

He thought long and hard about this as he landed the Wing on the runway. Gadget jumped out and ran inside Ranger HQ. Monty and Zipper were about to join her, but Chip stopped them.

JOEL: [Chip] Monty, Zipper, hold on a moment.

"What is it, Chipper?" Monty inquired. He saw the forlorn look on Chip's face, then asked Zipper if he'd check on Gadget.

JOEL: [Monty] Zipper, ignore the lout.

"Right, Monty!" the fly replied, then flew into the tree to check on his friend. Monty and Chip hopped out of the Ranger Wing. "What's wrong, Chipper? Why the long face?"

CROW: [Chip] I'm working on my John Carradine impression.

"Monty, I...I purposely left him behind..."

TOM: Huh?

CROW: What?

JOEL: How?

"What? But..." Monty was shocked to hear this coming from Chip. "But why?"

TOM: [Chip] Because I have taste.

"I...I heard him and Gadget talking last night. She said that...she loved him...he...I..." Chip whispered. He looked up at Monterey. He was looking over at the door. Chip turned to see a tearful Gadget looking at him. He walked towards her. "Gadget...I..."

CROW: Gee, all the Rangers eavesdrop on one another in this fanfic, don't they?

"You...you...left him there?" Gadget asked. Chip couldn't muster up enough courage to answer her, so he looked down in shame. Gadget simply slapped Chip in the face, then ran back into Ranger HQ, crying and furious. She had never felt rage like that before, and couldn't hold back her emotions any longer.

TOM: [doubtful] But... what did Chip do that left....

"Gadget...Gadget-love, wait!" Monty ran after her, paying no attention to Chip. He just stood there, not moving one bit. Then he walked to the edge of the runway and sat on it. When the sun had set and the full moon had arose, Chip was still sitting there, motionless. * * *

TOM: [doubtful] I mean, we all saw what happened. What did Chip do that actually led to Leviathan's unconvincing death?

CROW: It's like... Leviathan's clever plan. This fanfic references things that never happened even in this fanfic.

JOEL: Don't think about it. The author didn't.

"Dale, look at 'im. He hasn't budged an inch since last night," Monty said, concerned for Chip. He not only hadn't moved, he hadn't eaten since yesterday morning, either. "He just ain't the same no more..."

CROW: [Monty] Better swap 'im in.

"Maybe if I talked to him..." Dale suggested. Monty shook his head.

JOEL: [Monty] It ain't like you've known 'im all 'is life, y'know.

"I don't think that'll do the trick, mate," Monty told Dale. He turned around to see Gadget coming from the kitchen, where she had just finished eating breakfast. She came over to the door, looked out its window, and turned to go back to her room. "Gadget, wait..." She had locked the door when she ran inside that night, so Monty never got the chance to talk to her. "I just wanna talk to ya..."

CROW: [Gadget] I don't want to talk about my personal relationship with Walt Disney."

"No, Monterey, there's nothing to talk about. Chip let Leviathan die,

TOM: But HOW?!

and as far as I'm concerned, he can stay out there all he wants." Gadget walked to her room, shut the door, then flung herself on her bed and cried. 'I didn't mean it that way...but he left Leviathan for dead...' she thought between sobs. Now Monty had entered the room and sat down beside the weeping inventor. "Monty...he..."

"I know, Gadget-love, but he was right, though. If we had stayed behind, we would've died with Leviathan. We had no choice." He put his hand on Gadget's shoulder.

TOM: [Gadget] Golly, that didn't occur to me....

"I loved him, Monty...he was the first mouse I ever loved..."

CROW: At least in this continuity.

"Why?"

TOM: [Gadget] Because he slapped me around.

"Because he understood my life..." Monty was unsure of what this meant.

JOEL: Ditto.

"He knew what kind of pain I had gone through when I lost my parents..."

TOM: So she's turned on by orphans?

CROW: Hope she never goes to Penzance.

"Gadget..." Now Monty understood. "Gadget, Leviathan's gone now. Ya got to believe it.

CROW: I don't.

But now Chipper's fading. Do ya really want that to happen, Gadget? Do ya want Chip to die?"

CROW: [Gadget] Sure. He's icky.

"I...I guess...not..." Gadget sat up and dried her tears. "I better go talk to him."

TOM: Is she a woman, or an emotional band aid?

"Atta girl, Gadget!" He then thought, 'If this doesn't snap Chip out of it, I don't know what will...' * * *

JOEL: Pez?

"Chip?" Gadget whispered. She had walked outside, and was standing a few inches from Chip. "Can I talk to you?" Chip made no reply or movement whatsoever, so Gadget slowly walked towards him. "Chip, please..."

TOM: And with a single sharp push between the shoulder blades -

CROW: YAAAAaaaa! (splat)

"No..." Chip stood up and walked further down the runway. Gadget slowly followed. "You...you know what I did..."

CROW: [Gadget] Actually, I thought it over, and I don't.

"Yes, but..." Gadget didn't want to upset Chip. "I just want to know why you did that..."

TOM: [Gadget] And why we all agreed with you when you did.

"I...I..." Chip couldn't reply. It would mean that he would have to tell Gadget his feelings for her. He couldn't do that yet. He simply looked down.

JOEL: Oh, it's always about you, isn't it, Chip?

"Chip, please tell me. I care about you." This was all Chip could stand. He ran right by Gadget and started to run down the tree. "Chip! Chip, wait! I..."

"What happened, Gadget?" Dale asked. He and Monty had been watching from inside, and were now outside Ranger HQ. "Why'd he run off like that?"

CROW: I'm guessing bathroom.

"I...I don't know..." Gadget suddenly walked to the Ranger Wing and started it up. "Gadget-love, where are ya' goin'?" Monty inquired.

"To find Chip," Gadget solemnly replied. She took the Ranger Wing up, then flew it out of the tree and over the city. The other Rangers had no choice but to wait for both of them to return. They knew that they shouldn't interfere.

CROW: After sitting there without food or water for a day or two, how fast can he be going?

-END Chapter XIII-

[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G ]

[SoL]

[In the foreground, Tom and Crow lean towards one another and whisper malevolently. A pair of Joel-sized slippers sit on the table. In the background, Gypsy is staring at displays on the wall, with an enormous pencil behind one ear, and a clipboard attached to a bracket before her. Tom and Crow look off to stage right, stop giggling, and dive for cover behind the table.]

(Joel enters from stage right. He wears a bathrobe clearly embroidered "BATES MOTEL." Somebody's poured a bucket of green dye over his head.)

JOEL: [in a soft, mild voice] Gypsy?

[Gypsy ignores him.]

JOEL: [a bit louder] GYPSY!

[Gypsy, startled, turns. If the pencil or clipboard fall off, keep shooting.]

GYPSY: Oh, hi Joel -- I'm sorry, I was just concentrating, which gives me a +3 on all IQ based skills....

JOEL: No problem, Gypsy. Have you seen the boys around?

GYPSY: Not that I've noticed... say, your head is green.

JOEL: Well, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to them about. You see, I was trying to shower this fanfic off, and out of the shower head comes -

GYPSY: Wait -- did you say that Crow and Tom aren't here?

JOEL: Uh... yes, why?

[Gypsy's jaw drops in horror.]

GYPSY: Then... then that means they've been captured by our enemies!

JOEL: [slightly baffled] Well, maybe, but -

GYPSY: And they're bait in a trap, so we'll have to run into it! HIIII-YA!

[With this cry, Gypsy turns about and races off the set. Joel watches her, and flinches when a loud crash is heard.]

GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here!

[Joel "watches" in horror as Gypsy races into another wall, producing another loud crashing noise.]

GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here!

[Joel notices the slippers on the table. He takes them, looking confused.]

JOEL: What are my slippers doing out here? [he pulls one on and an expression of disgust slowly comes over his features.] Peanut butter?

[Crow titters audibly, and Tom tries to hush him.]

[A loud crash comes from off stage.]

GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here!

[Joel reaches below the desk and starts to pull. We hear Crow's eloquent "Owie - Owie - Owie" as Joel slowly pulls Crow into view. Joel has Crow's lacrosse mask held firmly between two fingers. It looks like it hurts.]

JOEL: Where's Tom, Crow?

CROW: I'll never tell!

[A loud crash comes from off stage.]

GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here!

JOEL: Gee, I wonder if strapping a small gold robot on her chest will keep her from denting the bulkheads like that....

CROW: Strap away, Joel, I'll never tell you that Tom's hiding behind the compressed cheese canister.

TOM: [from below table] Traitor!

CROW: And it was all his idea, too. He used peer pressure against my better judgement.

[Tom pops up.]

TOM: The only thing that could use peer pressure against you is a slime mold.

CROW: Why, you....

JOEL: Pardon me. Tom, why did you put green dye in my shower head and peanut butter in my shoes?

TOM: Uh... well... uh... [shakes head violently] Wait! Joel! Don't punish us, because....

CROW: Yeah! Don't punish us, because... because what?

TOM: Because, uh... we were under mind control.

[Pause.]

JOEL: Mind control?

TOM: Sure! And it... uh... just wore off all of a sudden.

JOEL: Crow, is this true?

CROW: Uh... [shakes head violently] uh, yeah! I remember now. Mind control.

JOEL: Mind control.

TOM: Yeah.

CROW: Don't you believe us?

JOEL: Well... yes, I believe you.

TOM: Ah good.

JOEL: [Grabs Tom] Because I'm under mind control too.

[A loud crash comes from off stage.]

GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here!

JOEL: [To Gypsy] Hold on, honey, I've got some cushions here for you!

[Joel drags the bots off, as they scream once.]

[Commercial sign. As the bumper shot rolls, we hear another crash.]

GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here!

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater.]

-Chapter XIV-

TOM: None of the these chapters have headings, have you noticed?

JOEL: Maybe we should provide some of our own?

CROW: How about, "City-wide Celebration held over the death of Leviathan"?

"Why...why did he leave him behind?" Gadget asked herself. She had spent nearly ten hours searching for Chip, with still no clue as to his whereabouts.

TOM: She idly wondered if she should stop circling the same spot.

She was thinking about going home, since the sun was starting to set. Then, on a rooftop, she saw a familiar shadow.

JOEL: No, it's just another one of those diamond anniversary advertisements.

She piloted the Wing over to the building, then landed it.

JOEL: [Steve] There. I wrote that line, and I'm proud.

Gadget jumped out and walked over to the figure. "Chip?"

CROW: On his shoulder?

TOM: Off the old block?

"Leave me alone, Gadget," Chip said bluntly. Gadget had no intention of doing so.

JOEL: Gadget enjoyed picking fights.

'Not this time,' she thought. "Talk to me, Chip."

"I don't want to talk about it."

CROW: [Chip] I'd rather express it through pantomime.

"Chip, please talk to me. I'm your friend. It hurts me to see you like this," she said. Chip merely turned his head away from Gadget.

TOM: He was facing her?

"Gadget, leave me alone."

"No, Chip, I want to..."

CROW: Man! I want, I want, I want -- Gadget's being so selfish!

"Gadget, I told you to just leave me alone!!" Chip screamed as he turned to face Gadget. He was angry at her and showing it. Gadget was now frightened for Chip, as well as for herself.

TOM: You can squeeze all you want, reader, but you're not going to be able to get any pathos from this.

"But...Chip, I...I'll leave you alone." She started to walk to the Ranger Wing, saddened.

JOEL: [Gadget] Boo hoo. Sob. Cry cry cry.

Chip turned to face the horizon. He realized what he had done and started to talk.

CROW: [Chip] I didn't want to hurt you, baby, but you're pretty when you cry....

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Gadget turned to see Chip sitting down near the edge of the roof. She stood there for a second. "It's just so beautiful..."

"What, Chip?" She sat down beside him. "What's beautiful?"

TOM: [Chip] That new parking garage where the tree farm used to be. God, I hate nature!

"The sunset," he replied. "I used to come up here as a kid and watch the sunset every day.

JOEL: [Chip] I had no life.

I thought it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

CROW: [Chip] Then I discovered the wonders of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

Now it's the second most beautiful thing I've ever seen..."

TOM: [Chip] Princess Sally is one red-hot babe!

"What do you mean by, 'second most?'" Chip now realized that he had no choice but to confess his feelings to Gadget.

ALL: D'oh!

He remembered what Leviathan had told him that night. Chip decided right then to do it.

TOM: He jumped.

"The most beautiful thing I've ever seen...

CROW: [Chip] Is a tree.

is you..." Gadget was shocked at his answer.

TOM: Can't you just feel the emotion coming out and clubbing you in the face? Well?! Can't you!?!

He moved his paw over hers. "I love you, Gadget." * * *

"I...I..." Gadget was utterly speechless, almost devoid of emotion.

CROW: Now she's Scully?

The chipmunk who had left her first love for dead was now admitting what she had admitted to Leviathan.

JOEL: It's pretty funny when you think about it!

"Chip..."

"Gadget, I love you more than anything or anyone I've ever laid eyes on.

JOEL: You really shouldn't be leaving your eyeballs lying around like that, Chipper.

BOTS: Ewwww....

Not a night goes by when I don't dream about you and me together."

TOM: [Chip] I'm wearing a black mask, and you're on the mechanical bull--

Chip stood up slowly. "Gadget, I love you with all of my heart and soul."

CROW: Even on his best day, Shakespeare could only dream about writing like this.

TOM: They're called "nightmares", Crow.

CROW: Oh.

"Chip...I..." Gadget was going to answer, but Chip had embraced her.

TOM: Whoa. Hold it. Gadget's still sitting. This would look really awkward.

CROW: Maybe Steve means Chip turned her into a vampire.

They were drawing together,

TOM: How?! He had just embraced her, remember?!

JOEL: [shakes his head] Can't even remember the last line he wrote.

but Gadget prevented it. "No, Chip."

JOEL: [Gadget] I'm not that kind of girl.

"What do you mean, Gadget?" Chip looked confused.

TOM: [Gadget] I mean "no" means "no". Got it?

"Chip, if I say...what you hope I'll say,

CROW: [Gadget] It'll be the alcohol talking, not me.

then what do you think will happen with the Rangers when we tell them?"

JOEL: [Chip] Nothing. Julie Bihn isn't writing this, so they won't lynch me or anything.

Gadget's logic wasn't faulted

CROW: Her emotions were.

--and Chip knew it, too. "You're right, Gadget," Chip reluctantly agreed. "But I just want you to listen to me, Gadget Hackwrench.

TOM: [Chip] Listen to none other but myself. My voice alone you shall hear.

I think you're the most incredible person I've ever met.

TOM: [Chip] Next to Chuckles the Clown.

I love you, and I know that somewhere, deep inside of yourself, you feel the same.

TOM: [Chip] Or you'll be kissing concrete in about three seconds.

CROW: She thinks she's the most incredible person she's ever met?

If you don't want to admit it right now, fine.

JOEL: [Chip] Be that way! See if I care! [sniffle]

If you want to wait until next week, or even next year, I'm okay with that. But I want you to understand that I've always loved you, and I always will. Gadget, I love you with every bit of my soul." Gadget simply took in everything he said, then embraced him.

TOM: There must be some weird mathematical formula Steve is using to enable them to embrace each other three times without ever pulling back once.

"Chip...I love you, too." And the two shared a singular, emotional, passionate kiss that sealed their feelings there on the spot.

TOM: And here we see the industrious small mammals sealing up emotions for use during their long winter hibernation.

JOEL: They don't hibernate, remember?

It was Gadget's first kiss,

CROW: And thus the evil spell was broken! We're free!

JOEL: Not even close -- we haven't even hit the halfway point of this part yet.

CROW: Blast!

TOM: Uh, didn't she already kiss Leviathan?

CROW: And was kissed by him before that, albeit unwillingly?

and she could never remember when she had felt such a feeling of affection for anyone since her father.

TOM: Okay. We'll give Steve the benefit of the doubt and assume that he's not implying that Gadget and her father had that exact type of affection that she now has with Chip.

For the new couple, they knew there was no denying their feelings for each other anymore.

CROW: Until the seven year itch, at least.

When they parted,

TOM: Finally!

CROW: Well, they still have two more partings to go, according to my calculations.

the couple looked out to the horizon. "You're right, Chip; it is beautiful."

JOEL: [Gadget] But not as beautiful as I.

The couple completely forgot about time, as they spent over an hour talking to each other by the light of the full moon.

CROW: Which was impressive, considering the fact that the sun had just

set.

They talked about each other's lives, and they remembered and laughed at some of their past cases.

JOEL: [Gadget] Remember when your practical joke nearly killed Dale? Hah!

CROW: [Chip] Remember when you woke up screaming every night from emotional trauma? Ha-ha!

By the time they were ready to go home, Gadget was sitting in Chip's lap,

ALL: Sayyyyy....

with his arm around her waist.

TOM: Where's his other arm?

CROW: Between two pillows.

JOEL: ...those aren't pillows!

ALL: AAAAAA!

"Gadget...what do we tell the others when we get home? What do we say to them?" Chip asked as he released Gadget and stood up.

JOEL: [Gadget] What do you mean, "we"?

"We tell them what happened. But separately. You'll handle Monty, and I'll handle Dale. That way, it'll be easier on all of us."

TOM: What about Zipper?

JOEL: The fly? He probably couldn't care less.

CROW: Wow. For once, I can actually empathize with him.

She and Chip walked to the Ranger Wing hand in hand. They stopped in front of it and looked deep into each other's eyes.

TOM: SLEEEEP!

"I love you, Gadget."

"And I love you too, Chip." They drew close and kissed again against the background of a starry, moonlit night sky. * * *

TOM: While the sun's rays from behind the horizon were officially ticked that they were forced off stage a good hour early.

"Hey, Foxglove!" Dale called to the bat who was just getting ready to leave Ranger HQ for the night. "Where ya goin'?"

JOEL: [Foxglove] Anywhere as long as it's away from you!

"I'm gonna go out for dinner tonight, if you guys don't mind," she replied. Monty seemed a little insulted, but got over it quickly.

"Alright, lass, but be back in the mornin', okay?"

CROW: Now Foxglove's getting curfews?

"Okay, Monty," she laughed. "See you in the morning!" She opened the door and looked straight ahead of her to see Gadget and Chip walking towards Ranger HQ holding hands. "Hi, Chip! Hi, Gadget!"

"Hi, Foxglove!" Gadget said. She released Chip's hand and waved to their guest.

JOEL: Couldn't she use her free hand?

Chip walked beside Foxglove and entered Ranger HQ.

"Monty, can I talk to you for a minute alone?" Chip asked nervously.

JOEL: [Chip] I'm pregnant.

Monty smiled and nodded to Zipper, who proceeded to fly to his little room in Ranger HQ and retire for the night.

TOM: Geez! I don't think even Nowak dismissed Zipper that quickly!

JOEL: He went to his little room to cry his little heart out over getting so little respect.

"Sure, Chipper. What's up?"

CROW: [Chip] A direction. Opposite of down. Duh.

"Not here. Let's go to your room," Chip suggested. Monty shrugged and led Chip to his room. Shortly afterwards, Gadget waved goodbye to Foxglove and turned to face Dale.

JOEL: And so it was decreed that only one event could happen at a time. All must wait until the next paragraph before moving from their current positions.

"So, is Chip alright? It took you long enough to find him," Dale cracked.

CROW: The stress of holding that question in until Foxglove left had taken its toll.

Gadget laughed a little, then took on a serious look as she started to tell Dale what had happened an hour ago. Dale's expression changed from happy to forlorn as she told Dale that she loved Chip. He thought now that Gadget didn't like him anymore, so he shouted when Gadget finished, "Leave me alone, Gadget!" and ran to his room.

TOM: Yes, why bother with intricate conversation revealing the intense emotions of the characters? New Synopsis-Brand Exposition takes only ten percent of the time and energy to write!

'No, not him too,' Gadget thought.

CROW: Hey, relax. If it's a precursor of things to come, then Dale will leave Chip to his doom, then confess his love to you, and you'll realize that he's the one you love!

'I shouldn't have told him.' Chip and Monty came from the direction Dale had run in, looking over their shoulders. "Chip, would you talk to Dale?"

CROW: [Chip] Yes, I would like to talk to Dale. But why do I need your permission first?

"No problem, Gadget." With that, he kissed Gadget on the cheek and walked to his room. Monty turned to Gadget with a sly look on his face.

TOM: Oh no! Monty and Gadget don't love each other that way!

"Gadget, Geegaw would be proud of ya. Ya don't find a better person in life ta love than someone like Chip. Ya made the right choice," Monterey Jack said.

TOM: [settling down] Oh. Well, that's okay, then.

Gadget smiled, hugged Monty, then ran to her room, ecstatic because someone other than her father loved her for the first time in her life,

JOEL: So now Leviathan doesn't count? Man, she's fickle!

TOM: He only likes girls when they're tied up and screaming.

and because she loved that someone back.

-END Chapter XIV-

-Chapter XV-

CROW: "After the drugs wore off...."

"Good morning, Gadget," Foxglove yawned as she entered Ranger HQ after a hard night.

CROW: Doing what, you may ask? Silly reader, subplots are for good fanfics!

She was ready to get some rest, but was now realizing that Gadget was never up this early. "Hey, what are you doing up?"

"I just couldn't sleep last night, Foxglove," the inventor replied.

JOEL: [Gadget] What with Dale's constant crying and wailing and all.

"I just couldn't get to sleep, so I stayed up all night.

TOM: And here you can see another prime example of her mind-bashingly high I.Q.

Y'know, Foxglove, isn't love a great feeling?"

JOEL: [Foxglove] When I'm dancing on the ceiling.

"I'll say," Foxglove replied. She thought about how much she loved Dale.

CROW: And his callous rejection of her....

"Well, I'll see you later tonight."

JOEL: [Foxglove] I have to attempt suicide in my sudden awakening to the cold, hard master that is life.

"Oh, Foxglove, before I forget, Dale told me to tell you to meet him at the bottom of the tree tonight."

"What for?"

CROW: He wants to get to the root of their relationship!

[Tom gives a rimshot.]

CROW: Thank you!

"I don't know," she said. "He told me that it was a surprise for you."

"Oh...well, I'll guess we'll find out tonight...see ya, Gadget..." Foxglove called as she walked into Gadget's room. Gadget waved to Foxglove as she closed the door. A few minutes later, Chip walked out of his room to see Gadget sitting on the couch. He sat down beside her.

CROW: You know, the blocking in this scene is almost perfect, except it's not blocking out anything.

"What are you doing up early?" he asked. "Unless you've got something to do in your workshop, you're never up this early."

JOEL: [Chip] Unless you've got something to do in your workshop.

"I just couldn't go to sleep last night, Chip. All I could think about was you."

TOM: [Gadget] And like the song goes, when I think about you, I--

She smiled at Chip and leaned over to kiss him. Chip placed two fingers on her lips.

CROW: [Chip] Ugh. Morning breath.

"Later, Gadget. Dale's just getting up, and I don't think the first thing he'd like to see is us kissing," he told her.

CROW: [Chip] He'd much rather wait until he was sitting alone in a corner.

Sure enough, Dale walked into the room just a few seconds later, followed by Monty and Zipper.

JOEL: Oh, Monty let Zipper come out of his room? That's nice.

"Morning, guys," Dale groggily said as he walked into the kitchen to have breakfast. Monty looked at the couple on the couch, holding hands and smiling.

JOEL: Who was Monty holding hands with, and why was he smiling?

TOM: Ooo. I don't wanna know.

"I swear, Zipper, I've never seen either of them so happy," he told his little friend.

TOM: [singing] We're so happy that you're so happy. Just as long as you stay happy....

JOEL: Anytime now the wife of the Giant comes crashing through looking for revenge....

Zipper nodded in agreement, then followed Monty into the kitched to join Dale in the hunt for breakfast.

CROW: They track the wild oatmeal with extreme caution.

"Gadget?" Chip started. "I've got something I want to ask you."

"What is it, Chip?" Gadget was surprised to see Chip get down on one knee and pull a small box out of his inside jacket pocket.

TOM: [Chip] I have here an assortment of shower curtain rings--

"So, Dale, what happened last night?" Monty asked his breakfast companion. "I mean, after you and Gadget talked?"

JOEL: [Dale] I damned her to Hell and back. Why?

"Well, Chip came in the room and we talked about Gadget and how we each loved her, and we agreed that Chip loved her more, so I just let it go. That's all." Dale then began to eat his small bowl of cereal.

TOM: [Dale] Just the usual heart-wrenching pain and strife of a lifetime dream shattering before your very eyes and scarring your very soul until the second coming of Christ. Pass the milk.

Ten minutes later, Gadget burst into the kitchen. She was crying and smiling like crazy.

JOEL: Great, she's stumbled back into her LSD habit.

"Guys...you won't believe it...me and Chip...we're engaged!" Both of the feasting Rangers looked up almost immediately and stared at the ring on Gadget's finger.

JOEL: You're right -- I don't believe it.

CROW: [Dale] So that's what happened to my Cracker Jack mood ring!

"We're gonna get married!" * * *

TOM: [singing] We're going to the oak tree, and we're gonna get married!

CROW: So, they've been a couple for about twelve hours and are already engaged. Methinks they might have had more than just their first kiss on that rooftop....

TOM: [snickering] Say no more, say no more!

JOEL: [sighing] Please.

"C'mon, Foxy, where are you?" Dale impatiently wondered as he looked around for Foxglove. It was already 9:00,

CROW: Do you know where your chiropterids are?

and he was wondering if Gadget had given her his message.

JOEL: Or was she toying with him again?

His mind quickly banished those thoughts as Foxglove flew down in front of Dale.

"Hey, Dale!" Foxglove called from a few inches above Dale. When she landed, she put a flirtatious look on her face.

CROW: Masking the disgust and loathing she felt inside--

For once, Dale didn't look one bit nervous because of it.

TOM: He shrieked and scrambled back in terror.

"Um, Foxglove, I've got somethin' to tell ya," Dale said to her. "You might wanna sit down for this..."

JOEL: [Dale] I'm Michael Eisner.

"Dale, what is it?" Foxy remained standing. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just that, well..."

TOM: [Dale] Something's wrong.

"What?"

"Foxglove, I love you." Foxglove was as surprised as Gadget when Chip had told her he loved her. "I love you more than anyone I've ever known.

CROW: [Dale] Not counting Gadget, but she's taken, so you'll have to do.

I want you to know that I'll always love you."

TOM: [Dale] Until something better comes along.

"Dale...oh, Dale!" She ran up to her chipmunk and kissed him. Dale felt something,

TOM: A disgusting, slobbering feeling--

and actually didn't try to stop her; in fact, after Foxglove finished kissing him, he returned the favor. Foxglove

CROW: Gagged.

blushed, then flew back up to Ranger HQ.

JOEL: [Foxglove] Gotta get to the bathroom before I heave!

'Thanks a lot, Chip,' Dale thought silently. 'I owe you a big one for this, buddy.'

ALL: What?!

JOEL: [Dale] Thanks Chip, for stealing my one true love so I have to lie to this poor girl just so I won't be alone. You're a true pal!

CROW: [Dale] Thanks Chip, for telling me to just accept second best and shut up. No wonder you're my best buddy!

TOM: [Dale] Burn in Hell, Chip.

"Hey, Dale!" Chip called down to his friend. Dale looked up to see Chip give him two big thumbs up. * * *

CROW: Dale's return gesture wasn't nearly as polite.

"Gadget-love, your mother would have been flattered to see ya in her own weddin' dress," Monterey said as he looked over Gadget.

JOEL: [Monty] But wasn't she buried in it?

She was wearing an exquisite white gown with a long pearl necklace. "Ya never looked so beautiful, Gadget."

"Thanks, Monty." She walked up to her friend and hugged him hard.

TOM: Snapping his back like a matchstick.

"Do you mind if I have a moment alone?"

TOM: [Gadget] I have to worship my beauty.

"Sure, I don't see why not," he replied, and he and Zipper left Gadget's room.

JOEL: Zipper was there?

CROW: Who cares?

Gadget sat down and looked up through a window.

"Mom, Dad, I know you're up there watching me.

JOEL: Heaven gets Toon Disney?

I want you to know that I never forgot you, and I never will. I wish you could've been here to see this day, but I know you're watching from Heaven.

TOM: [Gadget] Did you enjoy the torture scene as much as me?

Thanks for giving me the courage to go on with my life.

CROW: [Gadget] For the tears and angst and pain and-- hey, wait a minute....

I love you, Mom and Dad. I always will." She stood up, and proceeded to exit the room.

TOM: CUT TO: SoL -- THEATER -- INT.

JOEL: [Joel and the Bots pray for the end.]

She was approached by Silvia, whom Gadget had chosen as her maid of honor.

"Gadget, good luck with this!" Silvia said.

"Nonsense, Silvia!

CROW: [Gadget] Marriage is supposed to be cold and unfeeling.

There's no such thing as luck, and I'll prove it!" she joked.

JOEL: She's setting out to deliberately sabotage her married life?

The two women joyously laughed and hugged each other. Then Monterey Jack approached Gadget and Silvia.

TOM: [Monty] 'ow about some lovin' for the Cheese Wiz 'ere?

"Okay, Gadget, it's time."

JOEL: This a wedding, not an execution.

CROW: [pondering] Well....

Gadget took Monterey's hand and Silvia left the hallway and headed into the main room of Ranger HQ. When Gadget heard Here Comes the Bride on a piano,

JOEL: She broke down and wept, realizing she was about to make the biggest mistake of her life.

she and Monterey looked at each other, smiled, and walked into the main room. "Oh...look at her...she's beautiful...gorgeous..."

TOM: Isn't it in bad taste to be looking at a Playboy during a wedding?

CROW: But what if it's the one featuring the bride?

Gadget heard various complements as she walked to the front of the room. Most of the attendees were old friends of the Rangers

JOEL: Those who were still alive.

and mice and chipmunks from around the city who had heard of the ceremony and wanted to come, including Don, Leviathan's ex- partner, and the mouse who had helped Gadget get home that fateful night--

TOM: How'd they find him?!?

JOEL: It's just one mouse in a major city, remember?

Gadget had found him a place to stay and indeed thanked him for his kindness. Gadget arrived at the front of the room, released Monterey Jack's hand, and kissed him on the cheek. She then took Chip's hand and her place beside him.

TOM: [Preacher] 'ave oo the wing?

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join these two in the holy state of

JOEL: Utah.

matrimony," the minister said. "If there is anyone here who has any reason why these two should not be wed, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace."

"I have a reason." Everyone looked in the direction of the voice.

TOM: How'd Julie Bihn get in here?

It came from a hooded figure in the back of the room. He removed the hood and showed his face.

CROW: [figure] You will bring Han Solo and the wookie to me....

"Oh my gosh...it's...Leviathan!" Gadget exclaimed.

-END Chapter XV-

-Chapter XVI-

JOEL: "It just doesn't let up"

"Surprised?"

ALL: No.

Leviathan slowly walked towards Gadget and Chip. "I'm not; I escaped that explosion long before it really happened."

"But how?" Chip asked.

TOM: [Chip] We had this place blessed before we started, which should ban all incarnates of evil!

"You were still standing on that computer when it exploded! You couldn't have survived that blast!"

"I didn't get hit by it. It only occured on the bottom half of the computer. I had plenty of time to find another hole and escape."

CROW: Uh... don't explosions usually lift up whatever was directly above them? Like, really forcefully?

"Then why did you make us believe that you were dead for eight months?"

JOEL: [Leviathan] Heheheh, it's fun!

Gadget inquired. Leviathan took the couple aside and whispered to them.

TOM: [Leviathan] Now unless those negatives are turned over, bad things are going to start happening.

"Gadget, Chip told me of his feelings for you the night I heard you in the kitchen.

JOEL: [Leviathan] You figure it out.

I suppose that by now you know he listened in on us.

JOEL: Distrust and eavesdropping. The cornerstones of any successful relationship.

I felt that you two were perfectly made for each other, and I wanted you two to realize that. Chip, you're about to marry a great woman.

CROW: [Chip] Yeah, thanks for breaking Gadget in for me -- I'll take it from here.

I wish you both lots of luck in your married life."

TOM: [Leviathan] You'll need it.

He shook Chip's hand and kissed Gadget on the cheek.

JOEL: [Chip] Heyheyhey -- when I said you could kiss her on the cheek I meant the ones on her face!

"Thank you, Leviathan," the lovebirds said simultaneously.

CROW: For what?

Then Leviathan turned around.

"Good sir," he said to the minister. "I have had my words with these two.

CROW: What is he, a mafia boss?

TOM: No, that's Don. Hah!

CROW: Argh!

That was all I wanted. Please continue with the ceremony." Leviathan returned to his position in the back of the room.

JOEL: [Leviathan] Time to secure the back area.

The minister smiled, nodded, and continued the ceremony. * * *

TOM: Did the ceremony continue?

JOEL: And the ceremony continued.

CROW: Am I right in assuming the ceremony continued?

"...and now, the vows. Chip, your vows first." The minister turned to Chip.

TOM: Who else would he have turned to?!

Chip nodded, took Gadget's hands, and began to recite his wedding vows, which he had written himself.

CROW: Seeing as how the author had no clue what the actual ones were.

"Gadget, you are about to become my wife, and that in itself is a miracle. I want this miracle to last forever,

JOEL: [Chip] So I'm going to threaten God to keep it going.

so I promise to be faithful, loving, caring, and kind towards you at all times. I love you with all of my heart and soul, and I intend on keeping it that way. I will love you forever." Chip looked at the minister.

JOEL: [Minister] Why Chip... I didn't know you felt this way, I'm touched.

"Thank you, Chip. And now, Gadget will...ahem...perform her special wedding vows."

[ALL give risque laughs.]

With that prompt, Gadget walked over to a nearby microphone. To her surprise, the mouse who had been hired to play the piano was replaced shortly by Leviathan.

TOM: Under mysterious circumstances....

"I overheard that you were doing this,

CROW: [Leviathan] Don't ask me how.

and I wanted to have a part in your wedding," Leviathan whispered. Gadget thanked him by smiling at him,

JOEL: [Gadget] Just smile at the stupid men....

then turned back into the microphone and began to speak.

CROW: [Gadget] Alls right -- we's gonna blow this mutha out!

"Chip, I love you as much as you love me, maybe even more. I heard the song I'm about to sing about two weeks before this day,

JOEL: Making it totally inappropriate to use as a "special" wedding vow.

and I felt that its lyrics represent my love for you perfectly.

TOM: [Gadget] It's called "Brick"--

I will never stop loving you. And now, my wedding vows." With that, Leviathan started to play the piano,

TOM: Ack! It really is "Brick"!

CROW: Well, still a good song.

and shortly thereafter, Gadget began to sing Lost in Your Eyes. Chip marveled at how beautiful Gadget's singing voice was. Indeed, even Monty was astonished-- he had never heard Gadget sing.

TOM: And now he knew why.

When the song had finished and Leviathan stood up,

TOM: [half-crying] Why?

everyone started applauding the two as Gadget blushed and returned to her place beside Chip.

JOEL: Just married and already knows her place. What a wonderful message to convey.

"Gadget, that was beautiful," Chip whispered to his bride. "I've never heard anyone sing like that before."

TOM: [Chip] And I hope I never do again.

"Thanks, Chip," Gadget said. The minister turned to Gadget.

JOEL: [Minister] Can you help me off this pivot mount?

"Do you, Gadget Hackwrench, do you take this man to be lawfully wedded husband,

CROW: Oh, so the minister is really Tarzan!

in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse,

TOM: [Minister/Tarzan] In fight of jungle lions, in attack of tribes, in storms by gods....

as long as you both shall live?"

"I do." The minister then turned to Chip.

TOM: Whirrrrr-click!

"And do you, Chip Maplewood, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, as long as you both shall live?"

CROW: [minister] Or until you get bored with her?

"I do." Chip turned to his bride.

TOM: Whirrrrr-click!

"By the power vested in me by the Lord, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." Chip kissed Gadget, and then the two strode down the aisle into the kitchen, where the reception was to be held. * * *

[pause]

JOEL: Nobody cheered?

CROW: Either it's one of those really strict Catholic weddings where you aren't allowed to speak, or everyone's still stunned by Gadget's "singing" voice.

"A toast!" Leviathan raised his wine glass.

[Joel and the Bots throw pieces of toast at the screen.]

"To Chip and Gadget; may their days of marriage be as joyous as the occasion which brought them here!"

JOEL: [Leviathan] I don't mind losing the woman I love -- it's funny, actually!

Everyone cheered, toasted the new married couple,

TOM: The flamethrowers should have been checked at the door.

and drank their wine. The Rangers mingled and talked with everyone who had come, while Dale pulled Chip aside and whispered in his ear.

TOM: So Chip and Dale don't count as Rangers anymore?

CROW: I'm getting flash-forwards of Jonathan Brisby Junior....

"Chip, I wanna tell you something."

"What is it, Dale?"

CROW: [Dale] Your fly's been open this whole time.

JOEL: [Chip] Zipper's dead?!

"Well, first, I'm happy for you and Gadget, and second, how did you propose to Gadget?"

TOM: [Chip] Drunk.

"I got on one knee, took the ring out of my pocket, and asked her to marry me.

CROW: [Chip] The knife I held to her throat didn't influence her decision in the least!

Why do you wanna know?" Chip wondered.

"Well, in a minute, I'm gonna propose to Foxglove."

JOEL: [Dale] I need more tax breaks.

"Dale, that's great!"

"No it's not! I'm too nervous to do it!" Chip looked his buddy over; he was shaking from head to toe.

TOM: Or was it just the twelve cups of espresso he had drunk?

"C'mon, Dale," Chip said. "If you love her,

CROW: Set her free.

the words'll just come out naturally; you don't have to worry about it."

CROW: [Chip] Slam a few beers first, too. Helps numb the mind.

"Really? Thanks, Chip." Dale hugged his friend and patted him on the back.

TOM: Then he rubbed his belly and patted his head, showing off some more.

"Now, let's get back to the reception, shall we?" They returned just in time to see Gadget throw the bouquet. Ironically, it landed in the hands of Foxglove.

TOM: Ironic, as Foxglove doesn't have hands.

"Hey, Dale, guess she doesn't have long have to wait, huh?" Dale slightly laughed.

CROW: Ha. Ha ha.

He was still a little nervous, but not as much as he was a few minutes ago, thanks to Chip's advice.

JOEL: He was hammered after one trip to the bar.

"Well, Chip, shall we proceed?" Leviathan brought out a chair and led Gadget over to it.

TOM: [Leviathan] By "we" I meant Gadget and myself, of course.

She sat down and lifted up her dress to show off her incredible legs.

JOEL: [Leviathan] Nothing I haven't seen before. I mean, uh....

Chip knelt down, pulled the garter off of her right leg, and threw it over his shoulder. To Foxglove and Dale's surprise,

CROW: But not the readership's.

it landed directly in Dale's hands. "Hey, Dale, maybe we'll get married soon!" Foxglove exclaimed. Upon hearing that, Dale turned to Foxy, knelt down, and pulled out a small box. "What..."

TOM: [singing] What do you do with a bat like Foxglove?

"Foxglove, I'd be honored if you'd be my wife."

JOEL: [Dale] Not that you could tell from my flat, bored tone of voice.

He opened the box to reveal a ring similar to Gadget's engagement ring.

JOEL: Mainly because it was.

TOM: Dale's not a big spender, is he?

All Foxglove could do was cry and smile in delight.

"Oh...oh...

ALL: Popeye!

yes! Yes, I will!" Dale stood up, placed the ring around Foxy's neck (thanks to a string),

JOEL: The term is "leash".

CROW: At least marriage is being accurately portrayed.

and kissed her. The entire audience proceeded to cheer for the new couple, and during this, Gadget turned to Chip.

TOM: Whirrrr-click!

"You helped him, didn't you?" she whispered to him.

JOEL: [Gadget] How dare you!

"I only gave him confidence, Gadget. He did the rest." Chip took Gadget's hand and proceeded to the runway. After saying goodbye to everyone, the married couple took off in the Ranger Wing, heading to the airport to go on their honeymoon. * * *

"Gadget, aren't they beautiful?" Chip said as he looked down at his wife of one year.

TOM: Uhm....

JOEL: Uh....

CROW: Yeah!

She looked tired and as if she was going to faint, but was smiling as hard as she could. She had just delivered her two twins into the world.

JOEL: Oh, whew!

CROW: Rats.

TOM: No, mice.

"They're precious. So tiny..." Gadget looked at the newborn baby girl. "Yet so beautiful..." She turned to the boy

TOM: [Gadget] Well, my daughter is, at least.

the doctor who had helped Gadget

CROW: In more ways than one, if you know what I mean.

was holding. She raised her hand toward them. "I know you can't understand me,

JOEL: [Gadget] And never will.

but I love you both very much. And I will always love you, my children." She slowly fainted due to the exhaustion.

TOM: Wimp.

The doctor led Chip into his office, while two nurses took his newborn children for routine examinations.

TOM: Sure. Mice and chipmunks have mice children all the time.

"Now, Chip,

CROW: [doctor] Who really was their father?

have you two decided on the names for your children?" The doctor took out a pen and prepared to write.

JOEL: Oedipus.

TOM: Cain.

CROW: Damien.

"Yes, we decided two weeks ago. The boy's name is Geegaw--after Gadget's father." The doctor wrote the name on the first certificate, then switched to the one under it.

"And the girl?"

CROW: Jezebel.

JOEL: Imelda.

TOM: Onyx, because she was onyxpected!

"Her name is Jennifer."

JOEL: [Chip] She doesn't deserve a special story behind her name.

The doctor wrote the name down quickly, then handed the two certificates to Chip.

CROW: [doctor] Each is good for ten dollars downstairs in our gift shop. Offer void in Tennessee.

"All I need you to do now is sign at the bottom,

CROW: [doctor] In blood.

and--when your wife is up to it--after she signs, your children may go home with you." Chip eagerly signed the birth certificates, then handed them back to the doctor.

"Doctor,

TOM: [Chip] What was that fine print about our eternal souls all about?

may I see Gadget before I go?" Chip asked.

JOEL: [doctor] Why would you want to?

"Sure, if she's awake." The doctor followed Chip into Gadget's room, noticing that Gadget had awakened.

TOM: [doctor] She's awake.

JOEL: [Chip] Yes, I too noticed that she's awake.

CROW: [Gadget] Did I miss something before I awoke?

"I'll just leave you two alone." The doctor left the room.

CROW: [doctor] I've said my piece.

"Gadget," Chip whispered. For a minute, all they did was look at each other in awe.

JOEL: Unable to comprehend how they could be written so blandly.

They had just brought two new lives into the world, and were ready to take care of them--no matter what happened.

"Chip? I was still thinking--what about the Rangers?

JOEL: [Gadget] The division playoffs are next week.

I mean, how will this affect us as Rescue Rangers?"

TOM: Well, in ten years or so you can start a Kids Crew.

Chip was prepared for this. They had both talked about it during Gadget's pregnancy, and were still discussing it. Chip quickly put Gadget's mind to rest.

CROW: He knocked her out?

"Don't worry about that right now, my love," Chip said as he kissed Gadget on the forehead. "Just go back to sleep. You need your rest. We'll worry about that problem later."

TOM: [Gadget] After I awake?

CROW: [Chip] After you awake.

With that, Gadget smiled and slowly returned to sleep. Chip left the room, happy that he and his wife were now parents.

TOM: Let me get this straight. Gadget loves Leviathan.

JOEL: Right.

TOM: Leviathan rejects Gadget because she's no longer his helpless prisoner.

JOEL: That would be a valid interpretation, I guess.

TOM: So Gadget goes with Chip. Next, Dale goes with Foxglove, because Gadget's taken.

JOEL: With you so far.

TOM: So there's two couples, and two people settling for second best. What kind of view of love and marriage is that?

JOEL: A disturbingly accurate one.

CROW: And let's not forget that they all live together at the end, setting the stage for multiple betrayals of the sacrament of marriage.

TOM: Which is proven, by the way, by the fact Gadget has Leviathan's babies.

JOEL: How do you figure -- oh, the cross species thing.

CROW: It's kind of like an O'Neil play -- I'm starting to like it.

-END Chapter XVI-

TOM: Oh, that must be our cue.

[They start to get up.]

[They glance at the screen, sigh, and sit back down.]

TOM: I hate it when that happens.

-Epilogue-

CROW: Finally!

TOM: Careful, sometimes epilogues have no rhyme or reason as to their length.

JOEL: Didn't you already use that?

TOM: Yeah, but it works here, too.

"And that's how we fell in love and had you two." Chip smiled at his beautiful wife.

CROW: [Geegaw] You mean that bit with the stork bringing us was a lie?!

It had been at least three hours since they first started their tale,

JOEL: But it felt like three days.

and Geegaw and Jennifer had been entranced the whole time.

JOEL: Completely mind-numbed.

TOM: [Geegaw, dazed] Ca--n I tou--ch the pret--ty ponies?

CROW: [Jennifer, dazed] Rainbow taxi... coming to... take me away!

"Well, mates, anything else ya wanna know?" Monty asked.

"Just one more thing," Geegaw said.

JOEL: [Geegaw] Are all of their stories this dull?

"Dad, did you and Mom ever go on a date?"

"Well...er...I, um..."

TOM: [Chip] There was that time in the parking lot of Home Depot--

"Geegaw, we never went on what you might call a date, but it was similar to one--trust me."

[Everyone gives a series of risque laughs.]

"Sure," Geegaw said, unsure of what his mom meant.

TOM: [singing] My mother... my mother... my mother is a space cadet!

"Thanks, guys," Jennifer said as she hugged her parents. Just then, Dale, Foxglove, and Maggie walked in the door.

TOM: [Dale] Hello...

CROW: [Foxglove] Hello...

JOEL: [Maggie] Hello...

ALL: Hello!

"Hi guys!" Gadget called to them. "How did your shopping go?"

"Great!" Foxglove replied. "We got presents for everyone!"

TOM: [Foxglove] They were all out of pasts and futures.

"We got the perfect gift for you, Gadget!"

CROW: A personality!

Maggie exclaimed. She was a bat, and was about a year younger than Geegaw and Jennifer.

CROW: They hung out together because the other kids labeled them as freaks.

"It's a...mmph!"

"Maggie, don't tell Gadget what we got her for Christmas!" Dale said as he released his hand from Maggie's mouth.

"Sorry, Dad!" Maggie apologized.

"Well, we'll go put this stuff away; we'll be back in a few minutes!" Foxglove said as she and her family headed for the guest room.

JOEL: [Foxglove] We must do everything as one, you know.

Chip turned back to his children.

"Now I've got a question for you--why did you ask us that question in the first place?" Chip glared at the two young mice.

TOM: Like a true father, Chip punishes his children for showing independent thought.

"Well, we've both got dates for tonight," Jennifer answered.

"Ah, the first date," Leviathan said as he limped into the room. After Chip and Gadget had returned from their honeymoon, they had asked him if he wanted to become a Rescue Ranger;

[Everyone sighs.]

JOEL: Just once, I'd like to see the Rangers decline someone a position in the team.

he wholeheartedly accepted. Now he was again walking with the help of crutches.

JOEL: It's Crutches, the helpful Termite!

"One of the most memorable moments of anyone's life..."

CROW: [Leviathan] And that is... uh... oh, I forget now....

"Oh, Leviathan, you know you shouldn't be up!" Gadget and Jennifer walked over to him and helped him to the couch. "The doctor told you to stay off even your crutches--

JOEL: [Gadget] He wants you in as much pain as possible!

you're supposed to use your wheelchair! Do you want those broken legs to heal right?"

TOM: Or left?

"Mom, he doesn't like wheelchairs, remember? And he doesn't like crutches, either!"

JOEL: And he first met Gadget in Room 101 -- I bet the kids are so happy to have that knowledge forever burned into their skulls.

TOM: [Jennifer] Uncle Leviathan, is it really true you electrocuted mommy and kissed her against her will?

CROW: [Leviathan] You betcha! Wanna see the scrapbook?

"I see Gadget told you that old story, huh?" Jennifer nodded as she fluffed up a pillow for Leviathan to lay his head down on.

TOM: I'm sorry, but the idea of anyone pampering Leviathan just does not parse.

"Leviathan, there was one thing Mom and Dad didn't mention.

CROW: [Jennifer] How do Pop Tarts work?

Whatever happened to Don?" Jennifer questioned.

CROW: He testified against Mr. Gotti and is in the Witness Protection Program.

"Well, after your parents asked me to become a Rescue Ranger, Don and I talked it over, and we decided to dissolve our partnership,

JOEL: [Leviathan] His morality cramped my style.

but remain friends. In fact, I go to visit him once a week."

JOEL: [Leviathan] He's currently "relaxing" in a Mental Health Hospital.

"Just wanted to get that cleared up, Leviathan." Jennifer laid the pillow back on the couch. Leviathan laid his head down.

"No problem. When your dates arrive, just wake me up."

TOM: [Leviathan] I'll slap 'em around for ya.

"Sure thing, Leviathan," Geegaw called. He headed to his room. After Geegaw and Jennifer came into the world, four new rooms had been added to Ranger HQ:

JOEL: The Ranger Headquarters gave birth, too?!

a bedroom for Geegaw, a bedroom for Jennifer, a new bathroom, and a smaller workshop for the two; Leviathan gained use of Chip and Dale's old bedroom once Dale and Foxglove had gotten married, moved out and joined the Daring Detectives in Los Angeles.

CROW: This postscript was brought to you by the Extraneous Foundation.

Now the two children of Gadget and Chip were eagerly awaiting the ones whom they might call their true loves.

-END Epilogue-

-The End-

TOM: Oh, sweet release -- the most blessed phrase in the human language has set us free!

Return to my Gadget/CDRR Site.

ALL: No.

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CROW: And Steve leaves us with a prime example of his writing style....

[They exit the theater.]

[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G ]

[SoL]

[Joel and the Bots move onscreen. Joel's carrying a box of letters, which he sets down.]

JOEL: Well guys, yet another stab at literary genius has resulted in an amputee.

TOM: Spiffy. And the truly amazing thing is that Steve is a devote fan of the Rangers, loves them dearly, and decides to show this love by putting them through vast amounts of physical and emotional pain. Am I missing something, here?

CROW: Yeah, it is strange. I mean, think about it -- fans putting their favorite characters through mentally harrowing experiences. You might as well say that we have fans!

[Pause. All glance at Cambot as the implications sink in.]

JOEL: [shaking it off] Well anyway, ignoring that, I thought a nice batch of letters would be just the thing to cheer us up.

TOM: Yay, letters!

CROW: Yeah!

JOEL: [digging through the pile] Okay, this is.... [he trails off, glancing at a few more] Wait a minute. [He shuffles through them, frowning, then drops his hands in them with a sigh and looks at the Bots] These are all addressed for Gizmonics, not us.

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: Must've been a mix-up in the mail room.

TOM: Great. We let's let them know so we can get this cleared up before our mail is routed to Dr. F. and Frank.

CROW: Uh-oh...

TOM: What?

CROW: I sure hope Frank doesn't stumble across one of my, uh, "adult" magazines....

[Joel and Tom glance at him quizzically.]

[Cut to the Gizmonics Mail Room. Following the Law of Conservation of Sets, the background looks suspiciously like Gizmonics itself, save for a few large cardboard mail sorters set up. Huge stacks of paper and envelopes obscure most of the foreground. Someone's lurking behind the piles, grumbling.]

MAN'S VOICE: Who are these people? Don't they know how to follow the correct postal codes when corresponding through Terra Del Fuego's Postal System?

[SoL]

JOEL: [dubiously] That voice sounds familiar....

TOM: Hey! Mail boy! You, lurking behind the stacks of weekend sales coupons! We got some of your mail up here. You got any of ours down there for a quick swap?

[Mail Room]

MAN'S VOICE: What? Huh? Misplaced mail?

[The man pokes his head around a stack of papers. It's John Nowak, of course.]

JOHN: You'll have to fill out the proper forms, first. [He pauses] Do I know you?

[SoL]

JOEL: John! You're alive!

CROW: Not that we're entirely pleased by it--

[Joel elbows him roughly.]

TOM: What're you doing in the mail room? Last we saw, you were part of the expanding crew with Frank and Dr. F.

[Mail Room]

JOHN: [shaking his head in confusion] I... I don't know. I have vague recollections of something like that, but last I remember I was biting into this... pizza or something, and... and, everything's just a blur from there. [He shakes his head again to clear it] Whatever the case, I woke up here and was appalled at the disorganized state of affairs, so set about clearing things up. I figure as long as I'm still getting paid, who cares, right?

[SoL]

[Joel and the Bots exchange glances for a moment.]

ALL: [way too cheerfully] Right!

TOM: So, how's it going in the paper mill, then?

[SoL]

JOHN: Not bad, really. I'm just getting ready to mail this out to every home in America.

[John holds up a large brown envelope labeled "Gizmonics' Clearing Theater Sweepstakes". Small pictures of Dr. F. and Frank are to the side with the phrase: "You may have already won a million free movie viewings!"]

[SoL]

JOEL: [sadly] And to think, we almost felt sorry for him.

[Mail Room]

JOHN: What? Oh, never mind, I'm too busy. My coworker here is in the back aisle cross-checking his datasheet to my own--

[He's cut off as he glances at his Palm Pilot.]

JOHN: Uhp. Gotta go. Just got an e-mail from him -- he's found some vintage copies of PC Magazine.

[He heads offscreen.]

JOHN: [O.S.] Hey! Hoffa! You back here?

[SoL]

TOM: Well, Mr. Nowak seems to be doing fairly well these days, at least. I guess we should be glad, compared to the alternative.

JOEL: That he'd be dead?

TOM: No, that'd he'd be free to terrorize the technically challenged once more.

JOEL: Hmmm... you may have something there. [turns to camera] What do you think, sirs?

[GIZMONICS]

[Frank is looking at a comic book entitled "Freddy Ferret: Master of Friend Power". He's horrified. Dr. F. shakes his head with a frown.]

[SoL]

CROW: Dang it!

TOM: That's your oh-so-adult magazine?!

CROW: [worried] Uhhh....

[GIZMONICS]

DR. F: Well, poor Frank's brain is on the fritz again -- I hope you're happy! It hasn't locked up this bad since he accidentally watched "Barney and Friends" without protective gear. Maybe I should just replace it with a newer model. Might be better in the long run....

[He looks thoughtful on the subject as he reaches out and presses the button.]

---FWOOSH!---

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] copyright 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip, Dale, Monterey Jack, Gadget, Zipper, Fat Cat, Professor Nimnul, and Freddy Ferret are owned by Disney. "The Dark Savior Saga", Jennifer and Geegaw Maplewood, Bridget Hackwrench, Leviathan and Don are [c] copyrighted by Steven "Strider" Stone. Magnolia (Maggie) Oakmont is [c] copyrighted by "B&M" Glenn S. Byrnes, Silvia by "Robo|\|erd" Robert Noel Hollingshead, and The Daring Detectives by William Shane Wheeler. [Whew -- got 'em all!] John Nowak is [c] copyrighted by himself, as if you couldn't guess. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is not, in any way, shape, or form, a personal attack on Steven Stone, who's a rather nice guy, and offered this up to us in the first place. This MiSTing is [c] copyright 1998-1999 by John Nowak and Matt Plotecher.

Leviathan placed his hands on her shoulders. "I want you to understand something. I've met many women during my adult life, and most of them have fallen in love with me.