Caretaker: MSTed

By John Nowak and Matt Plotecher

Original Work by Rachel S. Helvey

[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G]

[SOL]

[CROW and JOEL are at the counter, apparently in the middle of a conversation. JOEL seems to be somewhat upset, while CROW is his usual, deflecting, denying self.]

JOEL: But Crow, you knew where the water cooler was kept at!

CROW: [stalling] It was... uhm, a temporary glitch in my software! That horrible millennium bug! Ohh! Nasty! Grr!

JOEL: Crow, I built you -- don't try to fool me about your operating systems, buddy. We're Y2K compliant... [he pauses] I think.

CROW: It was an honest mistake, Joel!

JOEL: I'm sorry, Crow, but I just can't believe that it was a simple mistake on your part that caused the Arrowhead water guy on his last visit to replace Tom's head with a water jug.

[TOM enters from the left, trying to balance a full water jug on his head. It's difficult. In addition, each time he opens his mouth, water spills out.]

TOM: [grunting] Blast it, Crow!

[JOEL and CROW jump back as the water sloshes forth. TOM wobbles dangerously as he moves closer.]

TOM: I just soaked half of my boxer shorts collection because of you! Every time I try to admire my belongings with a spontaneous bit of prose and song, I start spewing like Niagra Falls!

CROW: So how is this different than before?

[TOM growls angrily and tries to advance on CROW, but is held back by JOEL.]

JOEL: Hey, hey, hey... Servo, take it easy. I know Crow played a really juvenile prank on you, but don't stoop to his level.

TOM: Yeah, good point. I'd need a squadron of ditch digger's to get that low.

[CROW is too busy tittering over TOM's condition to respond. JOEL maintains a safe distance of two feet to avoid the water splashing.]

JOEL: Well, let's take care of you, first, Tom. Here... [he reaches under the counter and places a large pitcher in front of TOM] Just sing the score to "The Madness of King George", and that'll empty out the water lickety-split.

TOM: Oh, good idea, Joel. Oh, but wait -- use the that tube over there.

[JOEL glances down, then pulls up a tube with one end leading off into screen left.]

JOEL: [puzzled] This one?

TOM: [chuckling] Yeppers.

[JOEL shrugs and places it in front of TOM as he starts a rousing rendition of "Zadok the Priest".]

CROW: [suspiciously] Joel, I think Servo's up to something....

[Commercial sign starts to flash]

JOEL: Oh come on, Crow, have a little faith. Not everyone is as mischievous as you.

[JOEL swats the light.]

[Commercials. Spot with George "The Animal" Steele climbing the Empire State Building and the tagline "I am Stupefy."]

[SOL]

[TOM is finishing up "The Hallelujah Chorus" as the last of the water drains out down the tube. JOEL pops the empty jug off and places TOM's normal gumball head on.]

JOEL: There you go, Tom. Right as rain.

CROW: [untrusting] Yeah, but wait -- where did that tube lead to?

TOM: Oh, just down the hallway, through hatch 23, and into a storage closet marked "Star Trek Comics Collection".

[CROW's jaw drops in horror and he dashes offscreen.]

CROW: [half-crying, O.S.] I knew I should have invested in watertight bags!

JOEL: [patronizing] Tom, that wasn't very nice, was it?

TOM: [glibly] Nope! Not in the slightest, Joel! Heh heh heh....

[Red light starts flashing.]

JOEL: Oh hang on; the Wonder Twins are calling.

[GIZMONICS]

[Partial close-up on FORRESTOR and FRANK. They're standing impassively looking at the camera. They have on raincoats, complete with hats. A small explosion is heard offscreen, and then a smattering furry, brown bits rain down from the ceiling for a second.]

DR. F: Ah, Joel. Ready with this week's invention exchange?

[Another explosion. Another rain of fur.]

[SOL]

JOEL: Well, yeah, sirs, but what's going on over there?

TOM: I dunno, Joel. I think we might not like the answer.

JOEL: That's true. Withdraw the question your sirs-ship. Anyway, my invention this week came about from a comment that my musically-inclined friend Tom here made about everyone's favorite craze, karoke.

TOM: Yep! You see, did you know that in Japan, a popular wedding reception pastime has been karoke? Yes indeed, several of the guests are invited to come up and sing along on "A Horse with No Name", "New York, New York", "Kung-Fu Fighting" and other great classics. But, also at these weddings, it's not all that uncommon for the guests to sing a cappella, which is quite a step away from karoke.

JOEL: And that's when it hit me: why not have accompaniment for a cappella songs on karoke machines? Come on, just because there's no music shouldn't be cause for us to musically discriminate. So that's why I invented these!

[JOEL pulls out several unmarked CDS.]

JOEL: Blank CDS! Now don't get these confused with the CDS that you use in a CD-Writer; these blank CDS have nothing but the best in digitally recorded silence on them.

TOM: That's right! Each one is chock full of over 75 minutes of absolute stillness and quiet. Perfect tranquility. You can load up the karoke machine at your favorite bar & grill, sports den, or strip joint for hours of non-stop a cappella back-up!

JOEL: [earnestly] Whattaya think, sirs?

[GIZMONICS]

DR. F: Pathetic, as always, Joel. Our invention this week once again outstrips yours, as we've taken advantage of the huge influence that the Y2K bug has generated.

[Another explosion. More fur. Annoyed, FORRESTOR turns to glare offscreen as the camera pulls back to show JOHN standing to the side of a small model rocket. More can be seen behind him, along with a series of cages, half-empty. A hamster is strapped to it rocket, squirming. JOHN, with his trusty Palm-Pilot in hand, bends down, lights the rocket, then stands up and takes a step back. The rocket fires up off the screen, and a second later the room shakes slightly as another distant, small explosion mingled with a loud squeak are heard as the rocket and its unfortunate passenger collide with the ceiling of Gizmonics. Debris from both lightly sprinkle over the floor. It can now be seen that similar debris from previous launchings are in evidence. JOHN, smirking, taps at his Palm-Pilot.]

JOHN: [to himself] Hamster... could not... properly... activate... ejection system. [he stops typing] Okay, that takes care of the tests for hamsters, gerbils, chipmunks, mice, and small guinea pigs. Next up, the jerboa.

DR. F: [irritated] John, do you mind practicing your little hobby after we wow Joel once more?

JOHN: Hmmm? Oh, sure. Time for my coffee break anyway.

[He steps offscreen, then momentarily returns pushing a computer set-up on a cart out.]

JOHN: It's all set. Just don't have the printer hooked up through the scanner while the Zip drive is running while patched through the washing machine.

[He leaves. FORRESTOR and FRANK gladly remove their rain gear.]

FRANK: Well, Joel, we've been watching how the world sat up and immediately acted when the Y2K bug became the national superstar it is today.

DR. F: Exactly. So we've followed that premise to the next logical conclusion.

FRANK: Which is, of course, skiing holidays.

[SOL]

ALL: What?

[GIZMONICS]

[FORRESTOR taps the mouse button, and the screen begins to flash a huge ad that reads: "YK2? Because it's there!"]

DR. F: [proudly] That's right, Joel, the YK2 bug is guaranteed to bring in the big bucks from companies that will profit from such an ad campaign; travel agencies, ski resorts, insurance companies, and naturally, morticians. Although most major avalanches will provide you with a free burial service.

FRANK: It's hypnotic pattern and subliminal messages e-mailed to your primary inbox will erode your will and make you want to be the next true to life "snow angel".

DR. F: And speaking of flakes, the Rescue Rangers make another visit to you poor dopes in this week's experiment, "Caretaker", wherein we skip the action and get right to pain. Hope you choke on it!

JOHN: [O.S.] Hey guys? Is the coffee supposed to be eating through the bottom of the pot?

DR. F & FRANK: Yes!

JOHN: [O.S.] Good! I like it strong!

[SOL]

[Buzzers. Lights. Camera with no steady-cam feature.]

ALL: Oh no, we've got fanfic sign!!!

[6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... ]

[JOEL and the bots enter the theater.]

JOEL: Well, here we go again.

CROW: That's not very reassuring, Joel.

JOEL: Sorry, pal.

Caretaker
Rachel S. Helvey

TOM: Odd way to start the credits....

JOEL: No, it's the title and author.

CROW: You see? I knew women really did exist on the Internet.

Gadget looked sorrowfully at her friend. Chip was laying on the couch, asleep;

TOM: She hoped he would have died by now.

his condition had worsened after the case against Bubbles was finished.

CROW: But her co-conspirator, Trixie, got off due to a loophole.

He was now mercifully unconscious.

TOM: It only took fourteen hits with her hammer.

She sighed as she wiped his feverish forehead with a damp washcloth. He had been in a lot of pain, and sleep was his only relief. He stirred and she winced. He was waking up again.

JOEL: She feared it because of the droning speeches it produced.

TOM: [Chip] Every year of my life, I become more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to concentrate on the good and the beautiful--

"Gadget?"

JOEL: Fat Man?

TOM: Little Boy?

She smiled as he opened his eyes. "Yes, Chip, I'm here."

He gave her a weak grin, but she could see the pain in his eyes.

CROW: How he wished she would leave him be for just five minutes; was it too much to ask?

"You're still watching me?"

She nodded.

JOEL: [Gadget] The T.V.'s broke.

"I told Dale to go to bed. He's been here longer than I have; he needs some sleep."

Chip laughed, softly and with difficulty.

TOM: Which is nothing new in Ranger fanfics, really.

"That's one thing that Dale's good at- going without sleep. The way he stays up with those late shows- " He broke off as coughing overtook him.

TOM: You know, guys, most Ranger fanfics we've been sent have had the Rangers in pain, but this one really wants to get the hurt going quick, doesn't it?

JOEL: It's probably why we got it, Tommy.

Gadget sat back, not knowing what to do.

As the coughing subsided, he lay back, weaker than before. "Gadget?"

"Yes, Chip?"

"Am I going to be o-k?"

CROW: [Gadget] No-way.

Gadget winced again at the question. "I don't really know, Chip." It was her duty to be honest with him; no one else was.

TOM: It wasn't like he was the leader of the group and deserved respect or anything.

Monterey was always a little too optimistic,

JOEL: Having been diagnosed with carpel tunnel vision.

and Dale was just too quiet.

TOM: After mistaking a bottle of Nyquil for Mountain Dew, maybe.

"I think that Monty went to look for a doctor. We'll see what he comes up with."

Just then, the door opened. Monterey Jack entered with a handsome male mouse.

CROW: [Gadget] Sayyyy....

"Hey, there, mates! Look what I found. A doctor!"

TOM: [Monty] Jus' wandering around outside! Can we keep 'im?

The doctor smiled warmly. "I just want to say how honored I am to help the Rescue Rangers.

TOM: [doctor] You've single-handedly tripled my business last year alone.

My name is Doctor O'Connor." He walked over and shook hands with Gadget and simply smiled at Chip.

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Dibs.

"So, what seems to be the problem?"

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain," started Chip. He went on to tell the story of Bubbles and the electrical shock that he had received.

CROW: [Chip] On second thought, it wasn't that hard at all.

The doctor listened intently, trying to make some sense of it all.

CROW: Oh, they must have Nirvana playing.

"Hmmm. Well, let's have a look at that burn." He pulled back the covers to inspect the injury.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] OH MY GOD! IT'S HORRIBLE! IT'S DISGUSTING! KILL HIM BEFORE IT SPREADS!!

"It looks like it's been taken pretty good care of- there's no infection."

"You can thank Gadget for that," said Chip. He smiled her way. She gave a weak smile back;

CROW: That's it; just humor the dying fool.

heroism was Chip's job, not her's.

TOM: She had a yellow streak a mile wide.

However, he was in serious trouble and she had to do all that she could. Tears began to well up in her eyes. If they lost Chip . . . if she lost Chip . . .

CROW: There'd be so much paperwork....

"Well, I can't see anything externally.

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] I'm blind.

The problem is the internal injuries that we can't see." The three were stunned; they hadn't even thought of internal injuries. "We may have to do some investigative surgery."

Chip paled. "You mean, cut me open?" he whispered.

TOM: [Dr.O'Connor] Yeah baby! Split ya open like an overripe melon! Woo-hoo!

Dr. O'Connor nodded, very matter-of-fact. "I can't make a full analysis of all the injuries unless I do. Don't worry;

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] I just lubed the chainsaw up this morning!

there shouldn't be any major complications involved, and it's very low-risk. You're strong and healthy;

JOEL: Lying there weak and in pain.

there should be no problems."

Chip and Monterey looked at each other wildly. They had gotten too used to Gadget's claims of "no problems." "Uhhhh . . ."

"Don't worry.

ALL: [singing] Be happy....

We can do it right here,

ALL: GAAAHHHH!!

as soon as my equipment arrives. Do you have a phone I can use?"

TOM: Doesn't every oak tree?

Monterey showed him to the small phone that Gadget had invented. The doctor was quite impressed; his office had only a human sized phone with the volume turned down so that the humans in the ER couldn't hear.

CROW: Since an Emergency Room is so quiet and tranquil.

One phone call, and it was done.

JOEL: Sweet Jake was bet to place in the third race.

Gadget could tell that Chip was extremely nervous. She did her best to calm him.

TOM: Out came the hammer--

"Now, Chip, he's a professional.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Well, not really, no.

He's done this a hundred times!

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Well, not really, no.

You'll be fine."

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Well, not really, no.

She patted him on the side of the face. "You just have to be brave." She blushed slightly. "Do it for me."

ALL: Saayyyyy....

Chip couldn't refuse a request like that. He took her hand and kissed it, simply grateful for her presence. "Gadget, what would I do without you?"

CROW: Call up Clarice.

She smiled, feeling her emotions soar. She pushed them deep in her heart; this was no time to tell him. Not with him already so excitable.

JOEL: Yeah, he's just ready to leap up and sprint to the moon and back, all right.

"Shhh. Just stay still for a while. I'm sure the doctor wouldn't like you moving around a lot.

JOEL: He said it interferes with the TARDIS' controls.

I'm going to go tell Dale what's going on. Zipper, too. He's staying with Dale, making sure that he's getting some sleep." She kissed his cheek and quickly left.

Chip smiled as he watched her leave. He had seen a change in Gadget after the case was over.

CROW: She had a third arm.

TOM: What case?

JOEL: The one with Bubbles.

TOM: Oh, well, I-- huh?

She had been more . . . well, devoted. He had always felt something from her,

CROW: Whenever her fist connected.

a tiny spark,

TOM: So that's how Chip got electrocuted....

and that was why he still pursued her after two and a half years. Now, it finally felt like it was paying off. He grimaced from a sudden jolt of pain; why did he have to get scorched for her to notice him?

JOEL: Because she's turned on by the smell of charred fur.

He lay back and rested. After this bothersome surgery was over, perhaps he finally had a chance.

Gadget tapped lightly on Dale's door. A mumbled "Come in" was heard. She gently pushed the door open. Dale was in his nightshirt and was lying face down on his bed.

"Dale? Monty found a doctor."

TOM: [Gadget] The traps aren't working.

Dale became more alert. "Well? What did he say?"

Gadget gulped. "He's going to have surgery."

JOEL: The doctor's going to have surgery?

"What?" Dale bolted upright. "When? Where?"

CROW: [Dale] This is so cool!

"As soon as the equipment is delivered and right here in the house."

"Wowie zowie."

CROW: [Dale] Can I watch?

Dale was unusually quiet.

JOEL: Apart from going, "Wowie Zowie."

TOM: I have my doubts about Dale saying "Wowie Zowie!" here. It just doesn't strike me as a kind of "Wowie Zowie!" moment.

Gadget knew that he was thinking of his best friend being cut apart.

TOM: And if he could film it.

It was not a pleasant thought. She herself shuddered. "Is he awake? Can I talk to him?"

"Of course." She closed his door as he pulled on his signature Hawaiian shirt and woke Zipper. Zipper was also exhausted. He had been with Dale most of the time, and when he wasn't, he was with Monty.

TOM: I'm starting to suspect Zipper is actually the Ranger's pet.

The door opened and Dale and Zipper came out. Gadget led the small procession into the living room.

TOM: [singing] With seventy-six trombones from behind!

Chip was glad to see them. He feebly tried to make a joke.

CROW: [Chip] So you have a gun with two bullets, and before you stand Saddam Hussien, Kaddaffi, and Art Modell. What do you do?

JOEL: [Dale] Shoot Modell twice.

"Hey, what's all this? It's not like I'm going to die, or anything."

TOM: [Gadget] Well, sure you will, eventually--

Gadget smiled for his benefit, but Dale remained somber. Zipper flew wearily over to Monterey where he landed on his shoulder. Monty patted him affectionately.

TOM: See? He is a pet.

JOEL: I think you may have a point.

Dr. O'Connor broke the uncomfortable silence. "Is there a spare bed I could use for an operating table?"

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] I yearn to taste chipmunk blood.

JOEL: Wouldn't you want to perform an operation on something flat, hard, and narrow, that you can sterilize or something?

TOM: I am beginning to suspect this is not really a doctor.

"There's a spare bedroom back here." Monty again took the initiative. He could tell that his mates were more involved in Chip, particularly one female. Monty led the doctor to the tiny room where his parents usually stayed when they visited- which wasn't often.

CROW: There wasn't any room for them now that Wolf, Wescott, Leviathan, "The Briz", Foxglove, Tammy, and some rabbit from California had joined the team.

The doctor nodded in approval.

"This will be perfect. Now, can we go ahead and move him in here? I'd prefer he not walk.

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Got a slingshot?

He's in a very delicate state; I want you all to realize the severity of the situation." He looked Monty right in the eye. "He's in serious condition, and I don't want you to think otherwise.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Which is why I stated earlier that it was very low-risk.

That burn is incredibly deep, and I don't know if there's anything I can do."

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] I suck pretty bad.

The look on Monty's face told the doctor everything he needed to know; they were ignorant of exactly how serious this was.

JOEL: Or they just believed him when he said that there shouldn't be any problems. Saps.

TOM: Well, duh, they live in a tree! Hah!

"Should we tell me little palley before the surgery? I mean, I think he should know."

The doctor considered. "Yes, perhaps you're right. The patient should always know what may or may not happen."

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] You may or may not die. Okay, time for the slice n' dicin'!

He strode purposefully out into the living room. He walked directly over to Chip.

TOM: He challenged him to a duel.

"Everyone, it has been made clear that you do not know how serious this is." The group turned to stare at Dr. O'Connor, all except Monty, who simply turned away. "Chip's injuries (I believe)

TOM: Well, whose injuries could he be confusing them with?

are very serious. I'm not sure how this surgery will turn out.

CROW: Place your bets! Place your bets!

I have to admit, I have not done much work with electrical burns, especially ones this severe. However, I want you to know that without this surgery, Chip will definitely get worse, or it may be fatal."

Gadget gasped. Dale looked faint.

CROW: Zipper looked eager.

Chip simply stared at the doctor. "You mean, I could- "

JOEL: [Chip] Do the Hokey-Pokey and turn myself around?

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] That's what it's all about.

"Without the surgery, yes. With the surgery- well, I can't say for sure. However, it's your only chance."

Fifteen minutes later, there was another knock at the door. Gadget answered it this time. The nurses with the equipment were then shown into the spare bedroom where Chip was lying in the bed, visibly shaking. Gadget went over to him, whispered some words of encouragement,

CROW: [Gadget] Don't worry; I know where your will is.

gave him a quick kiss, and then went to her room.

TOM: "Sliders" was on.

There was nothing she could do but cry.

TOM: I think people saying fanfic authors make Gadget too angst-ridden is unfair, right guys?

Dale stationed himself right outside of the door. He sat down and wrapped his arms around his knees and told himself to be brave, like Chip.

CROW: Who is visibly shaking with fear. Right.

Monty retired to the kitchen where he knew he'd be alone with Zipper.

TOM: Pass.

JOEL: Pass.

CROW: Pass.

Zipper was the only one he could show his weakest side to.

JOEL: [Monty] Look at me from the side; do I look fat to you?

Well, and sometimes to Gadget. Only this time, she needed to be alone.

JOEL: Angst hurts more when you don't have a shoulder to cry on.

He too had noticed the change in her behavior toward Chip. He had seen it long ago, but hadn't brought it to her attention. Or Chip's, for that matter. Whatever was to be would come about on its own.

JOEL: Ah. Monterey is a Determinist.

Dr. O'Connor pulled tiny latex gloves over his hands and began to administer anesthesia to Chip.

TOM: Giggling evilly all the while.

It was going to be a long night.

CROW: The only thing on was "Yo Yogi!".

TOM: Let's go, guys.

[They exit the theater.]

[1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G]

[SOL]

[CROW is at the counter, typing away at a keyboard, with the monitor facing towards him so we can't see that it's really not even on at the moment.]

CROW: This fanfic author thinks she knows how to write Ranger stories? hah! I'll show her how a real man writes these things. Blood and gore! Lots of it! Okay, lemme see, before I start I'm going to need a cool character. Someone really fast, really cunning, and has claws. And an animal that fits in with the Rangers location. Hmmm... ah-ha! A cheetah! Cool! Yeah, and he's the fastest of all the cheetahs, and has a cybernetic implant that lets him download recipes for rabbits and gazelles while he runs 'em down. He also has bionic eyes, a metal skeleton, and no brain -- less weight so he can run even faster. But what to call him? What to call this incredibly cool character, the one who'll show all the Rangers how to really fight crime, the one who Gadget will absolutely fall in love with because he's a homicidal, blood-crazed cold blooded killer -- just what she always looks for in any man. What to name this ultimate example of machoness.... of course! How stupid of me -- his name will be a perfectly logical extension of the very creature he is: Crow! Crow T. Robot! Wow, what a great name! Okay, so, Crow shows up, woos Gadget from the start-- oh! Oh! And he has this secret stash of modified handguns that he can fire that never run out of ammo and are always the first to be drawn and always hit their mark--

[He's cut off as the Satellite rocks slightly, the lights flickering a bit.]

CROW: Whoa! What the hey? Cambot, gimme rocket number nine!

[Cut to exterior, where a cheesy model of a police car is docking, its lights flashing and siren wailing (even though sound doesn't carry in space, but oh well).]

CROW: [V.O.] Huh? The cops? Were we speeding?

[SOL]

[JOEL and TOM enter from the side.]

JOEL: Hey, Crow, what's going on?

[The "G" behind them opens as two police officers step through, looking a lot like Mike Nelson and Paul Chaplin.]

MIKE: Okay, okay, just hold it right there, fellas.

JOEL: What's the problem, officers? I think we were well within the speed limit of space.

TOM: Considering the speed limit is the speed of light and all.

PAUL: No, it's nothing like that. We're the testosterone police.

MIKE: Paul's right. And your little basket-headed friend here [he indicates CROW with a plastic nightstick] spiked the record books just a few minutes ago, placing him well over the legal limits for males writing fanfics.

JOEL: Crow, is this true?

CROW: [stammering] Wha--uh--I mean, how could it be true, Joel? [he laughs nervously]

TOM: Oop. I think they're right, Joel. Just look at what Crow wrote.

[JOEL reads the monitor, then sighs.]

JOEL: Sorry Crow, but they caught you red-handed.

CROW: Hey, but how the heck did they find out, huh? It was an illegal entry!

MIKE: No sir, we got a call from the deputy on this ship.

CROW: Deputy?

[JOEL and the bots look at one other in confusion, then turn to the right to see GYPSY enter, a rotating red light in place of her eye.]

GYPSY: That's right. As the only female on board, it was my civic duty to call in someone who was operating a word processor program while under the influence of the essence of Miles O'Keefe.

JOEL: [glancing at the screen again] Yeah, but wait a minute. Crow made his character a cheetah.

TOM: Yeah, so he could have claws, Joel.

CROW: Servo! Keep quiet!

JOEL: But that's what I mean, Tom. Cheetahs have non-retractable claws.

CROW: [crestfallen] They do?

JOEL: Yeah, that's how they run so fast. [turns to the officers] Well, officers, what do you say? Just let him have a warning this time around. I mean, his testosterone level must have pretty much bottomed out there when he realized his character couldn't do everything that Wolverine could.

MIKE: Well, I suppose.

PAUL: But just this once, you hear?

JOEL: Yes sir, thank you, sir.

PAUL: Okay then, we'll be off. But you watch him -- it's sad how many we lose to testosterone abuse each year in this sector of space.

[The officers leave while JOEL tries to console CROW.]

CROW: [crying] But he can't retract his claws, Joel! What good is he if he's not a complete rip-off of Wolverine?

TOM: Well, jeez, you big baby, you already gave him a metal skeleton -- why not just add the claws to it?

CROW: [snapping out of it] Hey, wow, you're right!

GYPSY: I'm going to go call them back....

[She leaves, then the commercial sign starts to flash.]

JOEL: Great, now I'm going to have to call the family attorney. We'll be right back.

[He hits the flasher.]

[JOEL and the bots enter the theater.]

Six hours later, Dr. O'Connor tiredly came out. Dale was there to pounce on him.

JOEL: Chipmunks are predators?

"How is he?"

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Delicious. (Burp)

The doctor shook his head. "We really won't know until the morning. He should wake up by then. I think it was successful. He's very lucky to have gotten assistance when he did;

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] And unlucky it was me.

a little while longer and it would have been too late." Dale cringed, but walked away. The doctor and his nurses flopped down on the couch.

CROW: X-Files must be on.

Dale went to get Monterey Jack. He found him outside, watching the stars.

JOEL: Surprisingly, they were still there.

Zipper was asleep beside of

JOEL: "Beside of?"

him. Monty didn't look up immediately.

TOM: But ... he was looking at the stars. Aren't they up?

"How is he?" He then turned to face Dale.

TOM: AND WHAT ABOUT THE STARS?!

Dale sat down beside of him.

CROW: Crushing what's-his-name, the fly.

JOEL: "Beside of?"

"The doc won't know 'till morning." He grew very quiet. "Monty?"

TOM: Okay, we know Dale didn't say that, because he's being quiet.

"Yes, Dale me lad?"

CROW: Or not.

"Do you think he'll- "

JOEL: [Dale] Notice I'm sitting on him?

"Don't say it! Don't even think it.

TOM: THOUGHTCRIME!

Our Chipper will pull through. He's been in tougher scrapes before."

JOEL: [Monty] Like that time in the electric cheese grater--

TOM: Ow!

Dale was taken aback by Monty's outburst. Monty then fell silent again.

CROW: Kind of a mellow outburst, if you ask me.

"Do you think we should go tell Gadget that the doctor's finished with the surgery?"

JOEL: [Monty] No, let's let her savor the torment of waiting a bit longer.

Monty pulled his large frame off of the branch.

CROW: There used to be a scroll in it, but now the scroll's on display in Catalina.

"I'll go." He left Dale there with Zipper to contemplate the infinite number of stars.

TOM: So what you're saying, then, is that they are still there.

Monty knocked insistently on Gadget's door until she pulled it open.

JOEL: Well, I guess it's a good thing she wasn't asleep.

Monterey had never seen her looking so distraught.

TOM: Not since the last fanfic.

CROW: Maybe she was asleep.

"The doctor completed the surgery."

JOEL: [Monty] Chip's gelded.

"Is he . . . ?"

Monty didn't quite know what to say.

CROW: [Monty] The doctor, or Chip? Pronouns are not your friend, love.

"We don't rightly know, Gadget luv." She fell into his arms and began crying afresh.

TOM: [Gadget] I so hoped Chip would die...

"It'll be all right, luv."

CROW: [Monty] Well, actually I just said it might not be, but never mind.

Gadget would not be consoled.

TOM: So Monty shoved the crying baby off of him and went for a beer.

Monty led her over to her bed and sat her down. She looked at him with tear stained cheeks.

JOEL: Not her eyes?

"We can't lose him, Monty."

TOM: Sure you can.

She wiped her eyes. "I- I- " She broke off.

CROW: [exasperated] "I, I..." it's all about you, isn't it, Gadget?

"Go ahead, Gadget," he prompted. He had a feeling about what was next.

JOEL: So do we.

CROW: [Gadget] I am carrying his half-chipmunk mutant baby!

TOM: [Gadget] I lent him eight dollars, and haven't gotten it back!

"I love him!" she exclaimed softly.

JOEL: "Exclaimed softly?"

It was the first time that she had said it out loud, and she had hoped that the first time would be with Chip.

TOM: Oh. Uh....

CROW: My goodness!

JOEL: Well, that's unusually explicit for a non-lemon Rescue Ranger fanfic.

She fell into Monty's arms again and hid her blushing face.

CROW: But any port in a storm, I guess.

TOM: Man, she's fickle.

"Now, Gadget, why haven't you told him?"

JOEL: Guys, we misread that line -- she was talking about the first time she said she loved Chip out loud, not her first time.

TOM: Oh.

CROW: Well, that's disappointing.

Gadget smiled; trust Monterey to be logical.

[Explosive titters]

TOM: Yeah. Right. The mouse who wanted to beat up a human for littering.

"Well, I wasn't really for sure

JOEL: "Really for sure?"

until a little while ago. And now, he's hurt, and I didn't want him to get real excited with his injuries, and- "

CROW: Well, how excited can you get with serious injuries?

"Shhh." Monty hushed her. "Why don't we ask Dr. O'Connor if we can see him? You can tell him now. I'm sure it'll help his recovery."

JOEL: Why should she tell Doctor O'Connor that she loves Chip?

TOM: And what is Doctor O'Connor recovering from?

"But Monty- "

CROW: [Gadget] Revealing my love for him might strengthen his resolve to live? I would never have thought of that!

"Don't be gettin' shy on us now, luv."

TOM: [Monty] You signed to do the swimsuit special, you already spent the advance check.

The big Aussie gently helped her off of the bed and led her out of the room. He smiled at the exhausted doctor. "Hey, doc, can we see me little palley?"

The doctor looked up. "I don't see why not. Just don't try to wake him up;

CROW: [Monty] Well, I guess if Gadget can't tell Chip she loves him, there's no point -- back to your room, love.

number one, it probably won't work since he's heavily sedated. Number two, he needs his rest.

TOM: [Dr. Conner] Eternal rest.

I take it he hasn't been sleeping very well?"

Gadget nodded. "I've been staying with him at night, and the pain keeps him awake.

TOM: [Gadget] Maybe I shouldn't sit on him.

He never told us how bad it was, though." She shivered. "I think it was torture."

ALL: TO-CHA!!

Dr. O'Connor nodded in agreement. "He's a strong one, he is. With that kind of burn- "

TOM: If it's a really severe burn, there wouldn't be any pain because the nerves would be damaged.

He shook his head. "Why don't you follow me. I need to check up on him right now anyway." Gadget slowly followed him into the small room. She was a little scared when she saw how pale and fragile he looked.

JOEL: I'm guessing the first "he" is the doctor and the second is Chip.

She steeled her confidence as she neared him. If he was to wake up

TOM: Statement contrary to fact throws it into the genitive case. If hewere

to wake up.

JOEL: Pretty obscure.

CROW: "Pelagic."

and see her looking frightened, he would think the worst and there was no reason to terrify him. She watched the doctor give Chip a once over and then start thoroughly examining the suture.

CROW: It was the occipital suture, though, so she was somewhat distraught as Chip's skin was ripped free from his head.

Gadget was impressed at the expert job that the doctor and his three nurses had performed.

TOM: Okay, now we know there are three nurses. A little late in the story, but it's nice to see this sort of attention to detail.

CROW: I like the nurses. They have all the best lines.

It seemed a miracle, really. The doctor's words jolted her from her reverie. "He seems to be doing well. That's a good sign."

JOEL: Yes, I suppose doing well would be a good sign, wouldn't it?

He pointed to one of the machines that monitored Chip's heartbeat. "He's going good and steady. Wonderful."

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Oh, wait -- that's my stock portfolio.

He patted Gadget on the shoulder. "You have a very brave friend."

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] I can tell this, because his heart beats while he's unconscious.

She smiled softly. "Yes, yes I do."

JOEL: [Gadget] It's not Chip, of course, but-

The doctor left them both.

TOM: He only wanted to leave one of them, but since they were in the same room, leaving them both seemed easier.

Gadget pulled up a small chair that was the room's only other piece of furniture besides the bed. She stared at Chip for a long time before she

TOM: Beat Chip with the chair.

said anything. "Uhhh, Chip, I don't really know what to say." She paused again and watched his heartbeat for a few minutes. "Well, I'm going to keep being honest with you.

CROW: [Gadget] I really, really don't know what to say.

I, um, have some very serious feelings about you."

TOM: [Gadget] Hatred, loathing, contempt-- the list goes on and on!

She stopped. "No, that's not quite right. Let me try again. Well, I really like you. No, that's still not it. Hmmm- "

"I love you."

JOEL: [Gadget] No, no, that's not it.

"Yes! That's it- " She broke off, staring at Chip's opened eyes. "Chip! You're awake!"

He smiled faintly.

CROW: [Chip] No, I'm not.

"Yup." He made an unpleasant face. "I kinda wish I weren't, though."

JOEL: [Chip] No offense, but seeing your face makes me want to hurl.

Gadget's expression turned to one of sympathy. "Is there anything I can get you?"

TOM: [Chip] A blindfold?

Chip grinned drowsily. "Well, I could say that you were all I need, but

CROW: [Chip] I would be lying.

perhaps you'd better go and get the doctor."

TOM: [Chip] To fix your face. Now what was that you said about loving me?

"Huh? Oh, right." She leapt up and ran into the other room. "Hey, everyone! Chip's awake!"

JOEL: Excuse me, but didn't Chip send her to get the doctor?

CROW: What do you mean?

JOEL: Well, shouldn't she say something like, "Doctor, Chip is asking for you?"

TOM: That would be conventional approach, yes.

"So soon?" The doctor was the first one in the small room.

TOM: Usually his patients never woke up.

He began examining Chip.

"Well, it looks like I've done my job. You're looking a lot better than you were before."

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] What with that large hole in you.

"I don't feel better than I did before."

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Excuse me, but who is the doctor here?

The doctor smiled. "It's because we had to remove a lot of infection from inside of your chest." Dale looked as if he were going to faint. "That was why you had such a high fever. Also, we had to stitch up part of your lung. That's why you couldn't breathe."

TOM: Hmm. How exactly does electrocution poke a hole in the lung?

Chip nodded slowly with understanding. "So, am I going to be o-k?"

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Uh... sure! (giggles nervously)

Dr. O'Connor nodded. "I think so- with a lot of rest, of course. I don't want you to be moving around very much. And no more adventures for a while.

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Except for the kind where you don't have to move.

Let the police do their job." The doctor smiled. Well, I guess I'm done for now.

CROW: That was short.

[TOM and CROW start to leave.]

JOEL: Guys? That's the doctor talking. It's not the author.

TOM: Oh.

I'll be checking up on you in a few days, so don't try anything foolish; you need some time to heal. If you start having any problems, be sure to call me. Other than that, your life can start to get back to normal."

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Except you can't have any children. Nurse Bihn insisted.

He turned to go. "I'll be coming some time on Thursday, so be expecting me."

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Bake a cake.

He left to gather his nurses and to go home to his wife.

CROW: With the nurses?

TOM: They assist him with everything, I guess.

"Well, guys, looks like you're going to have to wait on me some more." Dale snorted.

CROW: Uh...why should they wait on you, Dale?

"Yeah, right. Don't expect me to go running every time you want a glass of water!"

TOM: [Dale] It's not like we're life-long friends, you know.

Chip pretended to look hurt, but it soon turned into a look of pain.

JOEL: So it must have been very convincing.

"Chip!" exclaimed Dale. "Are you alright?"

CROW: [Dale] Okay, I'll get you water...

Chip smiled weakly. "I'll be fine. Hey, what happened to you not being at my beckon call?"

JOEL: "Beckon call?"

Dale blushed at Chip calling his bluff, even if it wasn't intentional. "Well, maybe for a little while. I guess you'd do the same for me." Zipper flew over to Chip and hugged him gently around the neck.

"Thanks, Zip," he said fondly. He then looked meaningfully at Gadget, who blushed and smiled back.

TOM: [Chip] Your turn.

Monterey caught this look and accordingly did his part.

TOM: He hugged Chip around the neck.

"Come on, Dale and Zip. Let's go make our mate some cream of- " his mustache frizzed with a slight cheese attack, "cheee--eee--eeese soup." He led the small crew away from Chip and Gadget.

Gadget sat down in the chair again. She put her hand in his. He squeezed it in an answer to her silent question.

JOEL: Which was...?

She looked down. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I was just so afraid- "

TOM: [Gadget] You would object to being gelded.

Chip rubbed her hand gently. "Don't worry about it, Gadget. You've told me all I need to know."

CROW: [Chip] Except what the deal is with Caprice.

He kissed her hand. She leaned over and kissed him on the lips. He sighed as she pulled away.

TOM: [Gadget] Yuck. Hospital breath.

She blushed.

"You need your rest, Chip."

"I know. Can you just . . .

TOM: [Chip] Give me a sponge bath while wearing high heels?

stay here with me for a while?"

She smiled sweetly.__"Of course. Until you fall asleep."

CROW: [Gadget] Then I will dump you for someone healthy and strong.

She leaned closer to him. "And the sooner you get better, the sooner we can- " She blushed again.

TOM: Make a reservation at the Fanta-Suites.

He smiled and nodded, still weak. Suddenly, his eyes glazed over with pain. "Chip? Are you alright?" Gadget's voice shook with alarm. He nodded. "Just stay here with me."

CROW: But...Chip can't leave anyway, right? So why is Gadget telling him to stay with her?

JOEL: I think that was Chip asking Gadget to stay with him.

TOM: It's traditional to start a new paragraph when someone new starts talking, isn't it?

She took his hands in hers and rubbed them. His eyes closed and he began to drift to sleep.

"I love you," he whispered drowsily. He fell asleep almost immediately;

JOEL: The total lack of conflict or action would do that.

the anesthesia was still heavily in his system.

TOM: I like Joel's theory better.

CROW: Zzzzrrk -- Huh? Did something happen?

JOEL: No.

"I love you, too," she murmured in his ear. She wasn't sure if he heard her, but his mouth seemed to turn up in a smile.

CROW: Must be dreaming of Melody.

Gadget felt as if someone was watching her. She looked up, surprised to see Monterey Jack in the doorway. "How long have you been standing there?"

TOM: Monterey immediately started mocking her by saying "I love you, too" in a falsetto voice while batting his eyelids.

"Not too long," he whispered. "We've got you both some soup ready. Is he asleep?"

Gadget nodded. "I don't want to leave him."

TOM: [Monty] Mind if I eat yours, then?

Monty disappeared for a moment and returned with a steaming bowl of cheese. He tried to hold it away from his large nose so that he wouldn't be tempted to devour Gadget's soup. He quickly handed it to her. She pulled her hands away from Chip's long enough to eat the thick soup.

JOEL: [Gadget] Hmm...food or boyfriend? Food or boyfriend?

TOM: If she were Victoria, it'd be both.

She handed Monterey back the bowl. "Thanks, Monty."

He gave her a quick smile and went back to the kitchen. Gadget eventually fell asleep in the chair, not caring about how her sleep habits had been interrupted.

TOM: Wait, let me reread that last paragraph. I know there's something touching there, but I can't quite make it out.

Gadget awoke some hours later to bright sunlight coming in the window. She checked the small clock on the wall. It was eleven o'clock in the morning. She stretched, feeling her muscles catch in her back. Sleeping in the uncomfortable chair had done nothing for her. She felt as if she hadn't slept at all. She remembered where she was and made sure that Chip was all right. He seemed to be fine; some of his color had returned during her nap. She gently felt his forehead; no fever. She sighed in relief.

JOEL: Once again, an actual event had been avoided.

Dale came in the room just then.

"You want me to take over? Gosh, you look terrible!"

TOM: [Dale] They drew you with those lines on your face that make you look middle-aged, and they colored your nose black again.

CROW: Must be issue seven....

"Thanks a lot, Dale."

"Sorry. Monterey just thought that you might want to sleep in your bed for a while." Dale got that jealous look on his face, and she knew not to question him.

CROW: So Dale gets jealous when Gadget sleeps in her bed?

JOEL: Evidently.

Gadget got up and yawned.

JOEL: Because she was also reading the fanfic.

"That sounds like a good idea. Come and get me if there's any changes."

TOM: [Dale] Oh Gadget -- the time changed. And the shadows moved a little. And the paint is drier...

Dale nodded and sat down in the chair. His face became very somber as he looked at his friend. Gadget felt pity rise up in her. Dale loved Chip as a brother, and that bond she could not break.

CROW: Said Abel to Cain.

She yawned again, and giving them a final look, went off to take a shower and to go to bed.

Two days later, around supper time,

TOM: Gadget finally woke up.

Monterey Jack stirred the mixture for his cheese flapjacks thoughtfully. Chip seemed to be getting better by the day, and Gadget had made a willing nurse. She had been by his side for hours on end, reluctant to leave him as she changed his bandage and bathed his forehead.

JOEL: I remember I had a nurse leave while she was changing my bandage. Lost about a quart of blood.

He had been asleep for a good part of the day, but a slight fever had taken him. The doctor told them that it was nothing to worry about, but if it went too high to call him immediately.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Don't worry about it, but monitor the situation and call me immediately if it gets any worse.

JOEL: Doc O'Connor does seem to give mixed messages, doesn't he?

Monterey poured the mixture out on the griddle. Dale wandered into the kitchen. "Hey, Monty! Something smells awfully good!" Monty smiled. "Of course it does, Dale! It's me cheese flapjacks!" He flipped one high in the air. "Do you think that Chip will want one?" His mustache twisted as the flapjacks began steaming.

JOEL: Wow -- even Monty's mustache gets into the action in this fanfic!

"I don't know; I'll go check." Dale went to the room where Chip was. Gadget was sitting next to him, a wet rag in her hand. "Hey, is Chip better?"

CROW: [Gadget] Than who?

Gadget shrugged. "I can't really tell; he's been asleep since late this morning. Do you think that we should wake him up?" She looked doubtfully at Chip's sleeping form.

JOEL: [Gadget] It's time for his sleeping pill.

"I don't know. Should we call the doctor?"

"I don't think so. Dr. O'Connor would have told us if we shouldn't wake him."

TOM: Actually, based on past experience, he'd say something like don't worry if he falls into a deep sleep, but if it gets too deep, call my pager, answering service, home number, work number, email me, and set off a distress flare, because Chip'll probably die.

She finally leaned over and touched his shoulder. "Chip?" Only a moan was heard in response. "Chip, are you awake?" Another moan, then a coughing fit. "Golly, that doesn't sound good." She got up and went to the door. "Monty? Can you call the doctor?"

"Sure, luv," came his reply.

TOM: [Gadget] Monty, I don't hear the phone.

CROW: [Monty] Oh, did you want me to actually call him? You just asked if I could call him--

"Just a minute."

CROW: [Monty, grumbling] Razzafrazzin think I'm a secretary cook all day...

After about five minutes, Monty called to her. "He wants to talk to you."

CROW: Wait. If they have a phone, then why did they have to run around to find a doctor?

TOM: Don't think. The author didn't.

Gadget went to the tiny phone. "Yes, doctor. He's really unresponsive. His fever hasn't gone down, but its not worse." She listened for a moment.

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Oh, then he's probably asleep.

"Alright, thank you Dr. O'Connor." She hung up the phone. "The doctor is on his way. He said he can't tell what's wrong unless he examines Chip. He said that he doesn't think that it's anything serious, but he wants to check it out."

TOM: [Gadget] Because Chip is probably about to die.

About thirty minutes later, the doctor arrived. After a thorough examination of Chip, he met with the others. "I think that Chip may be having a delayed allergic reaction to some chemical that we may have used during surgery.

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] I'm not sure which chemical -- we just threw a bunch in and hoped for the best.

It's very serious, and I may have to take him to the hospital. Is there a way we can get him there?"

JOEL: So they have a mobile operating theater but no ambulances?

"We can take the Ranger plane," volunteered Gadget. "Dale, you go with the doctor. Monty, you need to help me get Chip into the plane, and we'll meet you guys there."

CROW: [Monty] Meet him where? In part one, we didn't even have a primary care physician, but now we know which hospital this doctor's associated with?

She busied herself getting Chip ready to travel.

JOEL: While the doctor ate corn chips and watched "ER" with Dale.

TOM: [Dale] So how real is this show?

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Not very; my patients die a lot more often.

As she touched him, she realized that his fever had risen. Worry struck her heart. She wrapped soft bandages around his burn and sponged his forehead one last time

TOM: [Gadget] Who am I kidding -- that stain isn't coming out.

before Monterey picked him up and whisked him to the Ranger plane. Gadget made a temporary kind of bed out of the back seat with pillows and blankets. She wiped tears away from her cheeks as she jumped into the pilot's seat.

JOEL: Yeah, she's in good shape to fly.

Monty settled in beside her and Zipper made a place for himself at Chip's feet. Gadget took off and flew hard and fast to the hospital. She followed the directions that Dr. O'Connor had given her and landed close to a small door next to the heating unit.

JOEL: Oh, wait. I think that was the action scene.

CROW: What? Where?

Monterey gently lifted Chip out of the back of the plane and followed Gadget into the ventilation. Dr. O'Connor and Dale were just arriving; he had called ahead and a room was already prepared for Chip. Gadget was amazed at the efficiency of the tiny clinic. Chip was quickly taken away from Monterey and swept into the hospital bed that was awaiting his arrival. The doctor called out instructions and the nurses leaped to do his bidding.

TOM: [kids from Monster.com commercial] Yes sir! Coming sir! Anything for a raise, sir!

JOEL: You can tell a lot of research went into this.

Gadget and the others stared at the activity of the place. There were doctors everywhere with their own agendas, their own patients, hurrying out of the way of others.

JOEL: And they were doing this in Chip's room?

They watched as Dr. O'Connor gave Chip a shot and placed an oxygen mask over his face. He turned to them.

TOM: Whirrrr-click!

"That's all we can do. The shot I gave him will hopefully counteract the chemical reaction that he's having and bring the fever down. I'm giving him oxygen because he seems to be having some trouble breathing."

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Maybe stitching his lung shut wasn't a good idea.

He turned to Gadget. "Did you hit any unusual air pockets or any hard gusts of wind on your way here?"

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Oh, did I forget to tell you to stay in the thick air below two thousand feet and to avoid flying hard and fast because a violent maneuver might kill Chip? Sorry.

Gadget thought for a minute. "Well, I'm not sure. I may have, but I was in such a hurry that I didn't even think about it. Why?"

"Because it may have knocked some of his stitches loose. Like I said, he's having trouble breathing. I don't know if it's because of the allergic reaction or if the stitches are giving him problems."

TOM: I'm no lawyer or doctor, but I kinda smell a big malpractice suit.

The group was silent as Dr. O'Connor hurried away to check on another patient. Monty spoke first.

"Well, mates, I guess we just have to watch and wait . . ."

JOEL: At least you've been getting plenty of practice.

"And pray," said Gadget, quietly. Dale just nodded.

JOEL: So they prayed for the fanfic to end.

TOM: Joel, when this story ends, how will we know?

Zipper squeaked something to them. Monty translated.

"Zipper's found us some chairs. Let's go rest our bones." They followed Zipper and sat down. Surprisingly, the chairs were fairly comfortable. Gadget sat down with a sigh, tears welling up in her eyes.

CROW: So she sits down twice.

Monterey put his arm around her. "It'll be alright, Gadget luv. The doctor will fix our little paley."

TOM: [Gadget] No, he did that during the operation.

Gadget just sighed and shook her head.

CROW: She's beginning to have her doubts about Doctor O'Connor.

Zipper handed her a tissue and she blew her nose. Dale stared out into space. "Guys, you think that Chip will be o-k, don't you?"

CROW: [Dale] And if he isn't can I have his pogo stick?

Gadget finally gained her composure. "Of course he will! Chip is too strong and stubborn to let us down. He'll pull through with style." Monty hugged her. "That's me girl," he said.

CROW: [Monty] Delusional, but spirited.

They sat and watched the bustle in the hospital for a few moments in silence. "Well, should we go home and leave Chipper here, or should we stay?"

JOEL: Who said that?

TOM: This is where you really see the benefit of new paragraphs when a new character starts talking.

"Stay," said Dale and Gadget in unison. Their voices were strained, tense. Monterey knew better than to argue with them, so he settled in for a long wait.

JOEL: Cursing their concern like the pig-selfish troll he was.

Forty-five minutes later, the doctor came to see them. "Well, Chip's fever is down, but he's still a little warm. I'm going to keep him overnight for observations, so you may want to go home for a little while. There's nothing more that you can do. You might as well get your rest."

CROW: [Monty] Roight. Toodles.

The group looked at each other. "Well?" said Gadget. "Should one of us stay here? Or should we all leave?" "Put like that, one of us should stay here. In case he wakes up, or something." said Dale. He looked worriedly at the room where Chip was staying. "I don't really want to leave."

JOEL: [Dale] Not with Gadget flying, anyway.

Gadget didn't quite know what to do. Part of her wanted to stay with Chip, but part of her knew that she had to get some rest or she could end up getting sick.

JOEL: Because sleeping on a chair was out of the question.

Also, Dale looked so pitiful that she was considering leaving him on call while she got some sleep. Monterey Jack made up her mind.

CROW: Which was happening more and more often lately, much to her annoyance.

"Dale, you can stay here. If he wakes up, fill him in on the situation.

TOM: What situation? You've been sitting around helplessly while Chip struggles for his life!

Gadget needs some sleep, and you've taken a nap more recently. We'll be back in the morning." Dale nodded and sat back down in one of the chairs. Gadget led the way out to the plane. Zipper yawned. Monty stretched as Gadget warmed up the plane.

TOM: Yeah, she's in great shape to fly.

"Golly. I hope that Chip'll be alright." Gadget dejectedly lifted off.

"Don't worry, Gadget luv. Just keep believing what you said earlier. He'll pull through; Chip wouldn't dare let us down. He just wouldn't."

CROW: Sure he would.

Monterey smiled. "Especially since you told him the truth the other day."

Gadget blushed. "Well . . . I don't know. I mean, I know that I love him. I know that he loves me.

CROW: [Monty] No he doesn't.

I just hope that we'll have some time to ourselves when he recovers. And I'm afraid of hurting Dale's feelings. All this has really been bothering me since I told him. And now Dale's really sensitive about Chip, and I don't want him to think that Chip getting injured is what made me like Chip much more than him. How do you think that he'll react?"

TOM: Maybe by killing himself when you next leave him alone?

Monty didn't look directly at Gadget.

TOM: Trying to find the stars again.

"I can't really say. I want to tell you that he won't mind and that he'll be happy for you two. However, I think me little mate will take it harder than that. I don't think that he'll hate you two, or anything like that, but I do think that he'll be a little out of it for a while.

CROW: So how will you be able to tell the difference?

He'll get over it eventually, but it'll take some time." Monterey paused for a moment, looking out over the city scape below. "He'll understand in his heart, but he's more sensitive than he puts on." Monterey Jack turned to look at the troubled Gadget and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "However, I do think that you've made a wise choice."

CROW: [Monty] Dale sucks.

Gadget took her eyes off her flying for a moment to smile gratefully at Monty. "Thank you Monty. I appreciate that. Do you know how long I've had feelings for him?"

JOEL: Nothing more than feelings?

Monterey smiled. "I've had a feeling, but I never said anything."

TOM: [Gadget] That's nice. But do you know how long I've had feelings for him?

JOEL: Monterey had a feeling about Gadget's feelings?

CROW: Metafeelings!

TOM: I never metafeeling I didn't like.

[TOM laughs, and segues into heart-rending sobs.]

"Well, I didn't know it for a long time. I think that I first knew that I loved him when we had that big case against Rat Capone last time. You know, when he was selling all that counterfeit cheese?"

TOM: [Gadget] Something about being pawed by a rat I despise made me realize Chip really isn't that bad.

Monterey Jack made a face. "I remember. I can't believe anyone bought that junk! It didn't even look real."

"Aw, Monty, you're just sore 'cause you got taken in, too. And if you hadn't, then we may have never found out.

TOM: Y'know, if they're going to recap an episode, I'd personally rather hear about the case with Bubbles where Chip got electrocuted.

Anyway, that was the time. When Chip rescued me from Rat Capone, I knew that something was different about how I felt about him. And then, when he teased me about me having 'spunk,' I didn't even get a little bit mad. Of course, when Dale caught on and started doing it, it got really old. Well, was that when you thought?"

JOEL: It's so rare that Monty thinks, they can actually keep track of the times.

"I figured it out when Fat Cat stole the Ranger plane that one time. Blimey! That was a case."

JOEL: Why did Fat Cat steal the Ranger Plane? How was he going to fit in it?

TOM: Hey, this is like one of those TV episodes where the whole thing is just clips from other episodes!

"I know. I almost got killed!"

"Yeah, but Chip stopped that from happening."

TOM: Good. That would explain why Gadget isn't dead.

Gadget smiled at the memory. Fat Cat had bound her with chains and was about to drop her in a tank of water when Chip and the others burst in.

CROW: Surely, a memory that would make anyone smile.

Chip had been the one that had swung by and caught her up. The chains were too heavy for him to lift, of course, but the momentum of his swing had carried them both to the top of a cabinet. She shivered at the feeling of his strong arms around her.

TOM: I'm getting "Dark Savior" flashbacks.

She shook her head to clear it; they were nearing the tree. She glanced over at Monterey. He was nearly asleep. Zipper was dozing in his lap. Gadget landed the Ranger plane gently on the branch. They pulled themselves out of the plane and slowly walked in.

"It's been quite a day, huh Monty?"

CROW: [Monty] Yeah, we must do this again.

"Too right, Gadget. I'll see you in the morning."

Gadget yawned as she walked to the bathroom. She pulled the shower curtain and began running water. Time for a long, hot shower.

TOM: I second that. Let's go, guys.

[1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G]

[TOM and CROW on the bridge. They have obviously just showered, and are wearing bathrobes.]

TOM: So who are your favorite characters in this story?

CROW: Well, I'd have to say the nurses.

TOM: Huh?

[JOEL enters, carrying a clipboard.]

JOEL: Okay, gang, I think I've figured out the Mads' game plan this time around.

TOM: Share it with us, Joel.

JOEL: I think they're launching an all out attack on our ability to tell good from bad.

CROW: I think they found another bad story and sent it to us.

TOM: I'm backing Crow on this.

JOEL: No, no, hear me out. Usually, he sends unreadable, illiterate juvenilia, thus giving us the impression that "bad" is a lack of basic composition skills.

TOM: But what about "Under the Bridge?" That was bad, but it was technically okay.

CROW: Tom, please don't mention "technical" and "Under the Bridge" at the same time again.

JOEL: Right, exactly. "Under the Bridge" had good spelling, reasonable prose, and only one serious vocabulary glitch.

CROW: Oh yeah -- "pelagic."

[They laugh at the sentimental memory of "pelagic."]

JOEL: Yet nevertheless, the story was like a long crawl over broken glass; a celebration of pain, betrayal, and damnation.

TOM: And submarines.

CROW: And aircraft.

JOEL: Leaving us with the impression that "bad" could incorporate both poor composition skills and a disturbingly detached and soulless interpretation of a Disney cartoon.

TOM: Okay. Then they send "Dark Savior."

[CROW spits.]

CROW: I can still taste that one.

JOEL: Again, exactly. "Dark Savior" had spirit, and action. Nobody could call it dry and technical. It's driven entirely by passion; love, adventure--

TOM: Sadism--

CROW: He's got a point, Tom. "Dark Savior" certainly wasn't left-brain.

TOM: Or right-brain. "Dark Savior" didn't have a single firing synapse. It couldn't even remain consistent with itself. We've got a crime fighter refusing to marry Gadget because he's afraid criminals will try to kill or capture his wife, even though Gadget's already a crime fighter, so she marries Chip, who is also a crime fighter. We've got --

JOEL: Tom, we know. So now "bad" encompasses a technical inability to write, a lifeless research paper with talking mice, and rollicking adventures with no coherence and lots and lots of over-the-top action.

CROW: Okay, I follow. Then they send "Caretaker--"

TOM: You know, I just realized there's no interpersonal conflict in this story at all. Everyone wants Chip to live. The only thing that actually happens is Chip's operation. The rest of it is sitting around by his sickbed and twiddling thumbs. The only character who actually does something is Dr. "It's not serious unless it is" O'Connor.

CROW: You forgot where they made sure the stars were still there.

TOM: Reading this story is like being stuck in a bad role-playing game where everyone's waiting for a non-player character to make a skill roll which will decide how the adventure ends. And it just goes on and on, and you're waiting for the game master to roll, and he just fingers the dice and holds them and then he puts them back down...

JOEL: A perfect analogy. So these three stories, "Under the Bridge," "Dark Savior", and "Caretaker," are really quite different. Apart from the fact they avoid serious grammar and spelling errors, and that they have the same main cast, what do they have in common?

T&C: They bite.

JOEL: Exactly. What else?

TOM: Uhm...

CROW: I can't think of anything.

TOM: Your point?

JOEL: My point is that the Mads have selected stories which flaws that are not merely different, but are contradictory. Gradually, our definition of "bad" will come to encompass all possible stories, and we'll be completely unable to like anything.

TOM: Our worlds will turn into a twisted kernel of hate and sarcasm?

CROW: And...?

[Pause]

JOEL: And what?

TOM: Joel, we've been there for years.

CROW: Sure. Aren't you?

[Commercial sign starts flashing.]

JOEL: [to CAMBOT] We'll be right back. [Off Screen] Gypsy? Do you still know the number for the Negativism Hotline?

[JOEL and the bots enter the theater.]

The next morning, Dale was still awake. Chip had not stirred; the oxygen mask was still in place.

JOEL: The oxygen tank itself was gone, but....

His fever had not changed; at least it was not higher. Dale jumped as Gadget walked in. She gave Dale a once over- he looked haggard, pale.

TOM: Instead of grinning and bouncing happily, like most friends of intensive care patients.

It was obvious that he had been crying. She was glad that she had asked Monterey to talk to him later, after Dale had gotten some sleep.

CROW: Now was not the time to hit him up for this month's rent.

"How is he?" she asked.

CROW: [Dale] He's really, really dead.

Dale shook his head.

TOM: [Dale] Not tellin'.

"The doctor said that he may have to go in again and stitch him back up. He doesn't know if it will work very well.

JOEL: [Dale] Come to think of it, the doc doesn't know much of anything.

They were going to wait until ten o'clock this morning to do it."

TOM: [Dale] After the game, of course.

Gadget nodded. "Meanwhile, you'd better go home and get some sleep. Monty is waiting out in the plane to take you home."

CROW: Monty runs a chauffeur service on the side?

Dale hesitated before walking out of the door.

CROW: [Dale] How do these things work, again?

"Uh, take care of him, Gadget.

CROW: [leering] I'm sure she will....

[Risque laughter.]

He doesn't look too good."

JOEL: Most people don't in an oxygen mask.

Gadget gave him a heartfelt hug.

"Don't worry, Dale. He's in good hands here."

TOM: With Allstate.

She gave him a gentle push.

JOEL: Down the stairs.

"Now go. Monty'll fix you some breakfast. I'll see you later."

She stood in the doorway and watched him go. As he turned the corner, she turned back to Chip.

TOM: Heh heh, she's got a little surprise for him under those overalls....

"Oh, Chip," she breathed.

CROW: I do believe you're right, Tommy.

It was frightening to see him with the oxygen mask.

CROW: So she removed it. What harm could it do?

He looked very small in the bed.

TOM: Never tell any male that, Gadget. Please.

She sat down in the chair next to him and took his hand in hers. It was apparent from his body temperature that he was still running a fever.

JOEL: Actually, they just put his bed over the furnace heater.

CROW: Checking his body temperature to see if he has a fever?! BRILLIANT!

She noticed a wet cloth on the table next to her. She put it on his forehead.

JOEL: Uh, that was used to clean up Chip's bouts with incontinence, Gadget....

As she did, she noticed the burn. It wasn't looking too good, either.

CROW: Do they ever?

JOEL: And wouldn't it be under bandages, maybe?

In fact, it looked as if it were getting infected.

TOM: In fact, it looked like something exciting might happen, so she had to stop it!

Suddenly, Chip began coughing. After a few minutes, he quieted down, but looked much worse. His breathing was undeniably laborious.

JOEL: [Chip] Luke... help me take... this mask off....

She turned as the doctor appeared in the doorway.

ALL: HUZZAH!

"Dr. O'Connor? His burn looks infected."

Dr. O'Connor came over to Chip and inspected the burn. "You know, you're right!" He hurried to the doorway. "Will someone page Nurse Mitchell?"

[Everyone snickers uncontrollably.]

He turned to Gadget, exasperated. "Nurse Mitchell is the one who is supposed to be watching the burn and making sure that it's not infected.

TOM: He probably fell asleep in front of Cummings' house again.

Someone is responsible for letting this happen, and I'm almost sure it's him."

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Unless it's not, of course.

Five minutes later, a slightly built male chipmunk entered the room.

TOM: Oh. I guess it's not our Mitchell.

CROW: Rats.

JOEL: No, a chipmunk.

"Did you page me, Dr. O'Connor?" The chipmunk seemed agitated and nervous.

JOEL: He needed a potty break.

"I most certainly did. Weren't you the one assigned to take care of this burn?" He motioned to Chip and his chest.

Nurse Mitchell blushed.

ALL: MITCHELL!

"Well, I, uh . . ."

CROW: Hey, now he's MacBadger from Disney's version of "Wind in the Willows".

"Well nothing. Fetch me some medication and some sponges. We're going to have to correct your mistakes again."

ALL: Again???

CROW: Geez, these is the MIR of hospitals.

Nurse Mitchell ducked his head and hurried away to carry out the orders.

"Does this happen often?" asked Gadget.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Yes; he follows orders all the time.

Dr. O'Connor shook his head sadly. "Only, it seems, with Nurse Mitchell. He just can't seem to follow instructions.

JOEL: That are written in Japanese.

He's . . . well, a bit scatterbrained, if I say so myself.

JOEL: People who live in glass houses, doctor....

Unfortunately, we're always short on help and just can't afford to tell him to leave."

TOM: Yeah, much better to risk your patients health, all right.

JOEL: Couldn't they just shunt him to the filing room or something?

The doctor looked sadly at Chip. "We're sorry this had to happen."

CROW: [Chip] What? I'm unconscious -- having trouble hearing you.

"That's alright," she said shakily.

TOM: [Gadget] What's a little fatal complication between friends?

"As long as it can be fixed, it's o-k. It's the big problems that worry me."

CROW: [Gadget] Like doctors who don't know their elbows from their--

"Oh, don't worry," said Dr. O'Connor, breezily.

JOEL: I have a strong hunch this guy breezes a lot of things off.

"We don't let Nurse Mitchell do anything big. We just let him handle small jobs.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] We think very little of your friend here.

Nothing like surgery or setting broken bones.

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] He's good at breaking them, though.

Just little clean up jobs and such.

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Mopping up the blood....

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Monitoring potentially lethal infections...

Things that we can watch after and correct easily."

TOM: Which explains how this one developed into a problem.

By this time, Nurse Mitchell came back into the room with a wooden bowl and some sponges.

TOM: [Mitchell] Okay, who has the soup, and who ordered the seafood sampler?

"Do we need some water or anything?"

CROW: Chip's giving birth?!

Gadget was eager to help. She didn't just want to stand and watch.

TOM: Sure; grab a scalpel and join in.

Dr. O'Connor looked pleased. "Well, we could sure use some if you could get it.

JOEL: Water is awfully hard to find these days, yeah.

Thank you.

TOM: [Merlin] You're welcome!

Just go out the door and turn right. Ask the mouse with the gray hair.

CROW: It's a hospital; there's only about fifty of them out there.

She'll get it for you." He turned and began swabbing Chip's chest with a sponge.

TOM: [Gadget] Wouldn't it help if you soaked it in the medication first, doctor?

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Hmmm? Oh, yeah -- heh heh, boy I tell you, I just haven't been the same after my seventeenth stroke.

Gadget hurried out of the room. Sure enough, a fat gray mouse with her hair in a bun was standing at a makeshift desk.

JOEL: [mouse] Let's see, only eighty-five death certificates to fill out since lunch? Slow day.

"Uh, could I get some water in a bowl or something? It's for Dr. O'Connor."

JOEL: [Gadget] He's thirsty.

The big mouse smiled. "Sure, dearie." She turned and ran some water in a thimble and handed it to Gadget. Gadget thanked her and fairly ran back to the room. The doctor smiled in appreciation.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] I like babes who jump when I call.

Gadget looked down at Chip, who was breathing steadily, if not easily. "Dr. O'Connor, are you going to have to do more surgery on Chip?"

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Practice makes perfect, right?

The doctor didn't look up from applying the medication. "Well, it's beginning to look that way. I think that infection may have set up around the stitches also.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Besides, I'm really starting to enjoy our time together.

JOEL: [Gadget] Thanks!

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] I was talking about Chip.

That would be the cause for his fever. I don't think that it'll be as easy this time, though."

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Unless it is.

"Go on."

"It was hard enough on Chip for the first surgery. I'm hoping that another one won't put him into shock,

TOM: From boredom.

or even a coma.

TOM: From boredom.

Anesthesia does strange things to one's mind while they're under the effects.

CROW: That explains the vast majority of fanfics we've been forced to read.

I'm hoping that won't happen.

JOEL: Then the doctor shouldn't be breathing anesthesia before surgery.

CROW: Or at all.

But there's always a possibility." He finished his job and turned to Gadget. "I need to go check on another patient.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] He should be dead by now.

Will you excuse me? I'll be back around ten to begin the surgery. I'll see you then."

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] You're the patient, right?

Gadget sank back into the chair and watched as the doctor,

CROW: Or whatever he really was.

followed by Nurse Mitchell, left the room. She sighed, and took Chip's hand again.

TOM: [singing] I hold your hand in mine, dear....

As she did, she remembered her words about Chip's stubbornness. Again, she hoped that they were true.

CROW: [Bud] Come on, live, damn it, live! You never gave up on anything in your life!!

TOM: But if he's dead already, doesn't that exclude him from trying?

About three minutes after ten, the doctor and three nurses

CROW: Three is the magical number here, isn't it?

TOM: Given Chip's medical recovery slump, it's probably Julie Bihn, Candy Courtnier, and Paltiel Goldstien.

(Nurse Mitchell not being one of them)

CROW: See, they're developing into characters you can know and love. None of them are named 'Mitchell.'

entered the room. Gadget smiled weakly at them, kissed Chip on the cheek, whispered an "I love you" and left the room.

CROW: No one's really quite sure why she whispered it to one of the nurses.

She paused in the doorway and gave Chip a small smile. A nurse grinned encouragingly at her,

TOM: Fangs glistening in the light--

and then closed the door. Gadget felt very alone. She wandered up and down halls, casually looking around.

JOEL: Window shopping for a new boyfriend.

She walked for about two hours, then walked back to Chip's room. The door was still closed. A small sign hung on the door handle-

TOM: "Room for rent."

CROW: "Chipmunk meat in fridge."

"surgery in progress- do not disturb."

TOM: Do most surgeries happen in the patient's hospital bed?

JOEL: Sure. Why not?

Gadget wiped a tear from the corner of her eye and realized that she was starving.

CROW: You know, when you start to get hungry from thinking of your friend in surgery....

She had declined Monterey's cheese ala cheese for breakfast,

JOEL: "Cheese as cheese"? What?

TOM: Well, it does sound like something Monty would cook.

but now didn't know what to do for lunch.

TOM: She could try eating.

JOEL: Don't hospitals usually have cafeterias?

CROW: And listed phone numbers?

JOEL: And ambulances?

CROW: And surgical theaters?

TOM: Okay, okay...

She ambled out of the door and headed home.

Back at the tree, Monterey Jack was cooking up some cheese souffle.

CROW: Monterey was the epitome of denial by now.

He put the finishing touches of grated cheese on it, then set out three plates, one of them a bit smaller than the others for Zipper.

JOEL: I've really liked Rachel's portrayal of Zipper in this so far....

TOM: So... Monty only set out three plates for the four of them?

Suddenly, he heard the door open.

CROW: And that's about as sudden as the action is going to get.

"Gadget? Is that you?"

JOEL: Avon calling!

CROW: [Nicholson] Heeere's...Gadget!

"Yes. I just came home for lunch. Chip is in surgery." Gadget made her way into the kitchen. "Is Dale asleep?"

Monterey Jack nodded. "Did you say that Chip was in surgery?"

JOEL: Time to clean out your ears, Monty.

Gadget sighed. "Yeah. They're sewing the stitches back that came loose in flight and checking for infection.

CROW: [Gadget] Then they said something about rotating his tires and changing the oil. Monty, do you think they're really professional doctors?

They think that is what's causing the fever."

JOEL: That, or the heat.

"Well, strike me starkers.

JOEL: I rather not strike Monterey naked, thanks.

CROW: Why? He doesn't wear pants in the first place.

Me poor little lad!" Monterey handed some forks to Gadget,

TOM: [Monty] Here; comb out those knots in your hair.

who set them on the table. "I'd better go rouse up Dale. You just wait here." He left her for a moment. Zipper flew over to her and hugged her.

CROW: [Zipper] I understand you're single now....

"Thanks, Zipper." She hugged him back. "I needed that."

Dale quietly walked to the table.

JOEL: [Dale, blandly] Cheese, again?

Gadget could see that he hadn't slept well- if he had slept at all. "Hey, Gadget."

TOM: [Dale] No, I'm Dale; you're Gadget.

CROW: At least we know Gadget is a true blonde.

"Hey, Dale. Chip is in surgery."

TOM: Gadget just can't get enough of saying that, can she?

"I know. Monty told me." He spoke in a flat monotone.

CROW: Ah. Practicing his Steven Wright impression.

Gadget decided not to press more conversation. Monterey, however, did not know how to take a hint.

JOEL: [Monterey] By ignoring the problem, it will go away, yes?

"Well, I'm sure he'll pull through just fine. Right, Zipper?" Zipper

TOM: Snorted.

squeaked a cheery affirmative. Dale just sat and stared at the souffle that Monty put on his plate.

CROW: It was moving.

"Eat up, Dale!" exclaimed Monty. "I used the best cheese I could find this morning.

JOEL: Great -- lunch came courtesy of the dumpster behind the supermarket.

I believe it'll be pretty good, if I say so meself."

CROW: Yeah, well, your standards aren't something people shoot for unless they're aiming to kill.

"I'm not too hungry, Monty." From the way he pushed it away, Gadget could tell that he probably had done the same at breakfast.

TOM: What? She's the Jane Goodall of chipmunks?

She decided to give it a go.

CROW: The souffle?

"Come on, Dale. You need to keep up your strength if you're going to be there for Chip tomorrow." He just stared.

JOEL: [Dale] You are completely in outer space, aren't you?

Gadget looked at Monterey and shrugged.

JOEL: [Gadget] Well, that was all the effort I care to give.

He shook his head; the message was clear.

TOM: [Monterey] I don't understand.

Dale would eat in his own time. Eventually, Dale got up from the table and sat in front of the TV.

TOM: Man, it's starting to turn into one of the trips to your Aunt Ruth's house.

Flipping on the TV, the others saw that the news was on.

CROW: Oh good. Something cheerful and fun to pick their spirits up.

"This is Stan Blather. Today in the news,

TOM: [Stan Blather] Chip died in surgery.

a robbery and arson suspect was just apprehended. Officer Muldoon, of our city's fine police squad,

CROW: Who are so incredibly fine that two chipmunks, two mice, and a fly wind up solving ninety percent of their major cases.

is here to tell about the exciting case. Officer?"

JOEL: [Muldoon] Stan?

Gadget watched as the familiar officer told of the harrowing capture and near escape.

JOEL: I can just barely stand the excitement of it all, yeah.

She watched on in fascination as they showed a clip of the burned warehouse. "Golly," she said.

TOM: [Gadget] That looks like fun!

"I wonder what else we've missed in the world of crime fighting."

CROW: The fashion show.

"I'll bet that we could have stopped that fire," said Dale.

TOM: [Dale] It would be hard to use the extinguishers, but still.

"Chip will be awfully disappointed that we couldn't have taken that case."

TOM: Along with your readers.

CROW: [Dale] We need to be spanked.

Abruptly, he started crying. "I don't want Chip to die!" he wailed.

JOEL: Ah, there we go; that shipment of angst finally arrived.

Gadget ran to him. "Chip won't die, Dale!

TOM: [Gadget] Only over his dead body!

That's just your craziness talking.

CROW: Blame it on Dale's mental illness, Gadget. Smooth.

We won't let him die. O-k?"

TOM: [Gadget] We'll sacrifice nine black puppies to Hecate...

Dale seemed to calm down a bit after Gadget hugged him. His crying slowed to hiccups, and finally stopped.

TOM: Because his breathing stopped, but oh well.

"O-k, I'm better now." He wiped his eyes with the back of a hand.

TOM: [Monty] What a fem.

"Do you want to go back with me and see if the doctor has finished with the operation?"

JOEL: [Gadget] They might have leftovers.

Dale shook his head. "I guess you and Monty are right; I'd better stay here and get some food and rest. Actually, I'm really hungry."

Gadget smiled. "Of course you are.

JOEL: Poor sap....

Well, I'm going to head back down there. I think I'll take the Ranger plane, if you don't mind."

CROW: The Rangers have time-share on the vehicles now?

She headed out the door.

Another hour later, Dr. O'Connor emerged.

TOM: What's he doing at the Ranger Headquarters?

He looked dead tired,

JOEL: Tired of looking at his dead patients....

as did his nurses.

CROW: They were the ones who had to haul the corpses to the trash compacter.

"There was a lot of bleeding this time," he told Gadget. "That took us a while to stop.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] The heart just kept on beating and beating--

And then there was the infection . . . that doesn't even count the stitches."

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Man, this stuff is a lot harder than that mail-order PhD place told me it would be!

He paused and shook his head. "Did he do much tossing and turning while he was asleep?"

CROW: Could you specify a time frame, please?

Gadget tried to remember. "I think that he did one night. He was having a nightmare of some kind-"

TOM: [Chip, drowsily] Punishment -- marriage -- Julie Bihn....

"I thought so." Dr. O'Connor sighed. "It was a mess. Fortunately for Chip, I believe we fixed all the problems.

[Everyone snorts.]

CROW: I'd feel more confident if the operation was preformed by Dr. Demento.

You can see him now, if you wish." He

JOEL: Held up a moist ziplock bag--

motioned toward the now open door. Gadget nodded shakily and stepped inside.

JOEL: It smelled really, really bad.

"Oh, my poor Chip," she murmured. He was still wearing that horrible oxygen mask.

CROW: It was from the Darth Vader line of medical wear.

Gadget stroked his face softly. She turned to where the doctor was still standing. "When will he come out from under the sedatives?"

TOM: You know guys, it's disturbing when you realize that this fanfic has had more drug use than "Pulp Fiction".

The doctor thought for a moment.

CROW: Smoke filled the room.

"In about an hour or two. If he's not awake in three hours, come and get me. That will signify a problem."

JOEL: [Gadget] You're completely winging this, aren't you?

He gave Gadget a quick smile

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Damn straight!

and walked away. Gadget sat down in the chair once more.

An hour and a half later,

CROW: Nothing happened.

Chip stirred. Blinking his eyes open, he saw Gadget with the washcloth.

TOM: It was momentarily confusing, as the lingering dream had Gadget with a whip.

"Gadget?"

She smiled softly. "Hey. How're you feeling?"

CROW: [Chip] Like crap.

He shifted, then thought better of it. "I'm not sure. I'm kinda numb."

JOEL: Ah, he's suffering from a boredom overdose.

CROW: [sighing] I think it's contagious.

She nodded. "The doctor came by a few minutes ago and said that you probably would be for a while. Just stay still."

TOM: I doubt he was about to leap up and dance the lambada, Gadget.

"Where is everybody else?"

JOEL: [Gadget] Getting the wake ready.

"At home. Dale stayed all night,

TOM: At home?

and he's getting some sleep. Monty is going to stay with you tonight.

CROW: [Chip] Well, aren't I Mr. Popular?

We're all making sure that you're being well taken care of." She took his hands in hers and blushed. Chip smiled weakly.

TOM: [Chip] God, she's acting like my mother....

CROW: Because in this hospital, they can't trust the staff.

"So, I'm going to be all right?"

TOM: [Gadget] Yep; once they saw you in half and throw your left side away.

Gadget nodded. "Of course. You just had a close call." Gadget then went on to explain what had happened.

JOEL: [Gadget] You had a close call.

She smiled. "We all knew you would pull through."

JOEL: [Gadget] Despite what Dr. O'Connor kept saying.

Chip was silent for a moment. "So, Dale stayed all night?"

CROW: Tomorrow he'll work on the "sit" command.

"Yeah. He was really worried about you."

"Have you told him?"

TOM: That he was really worried about Chip? What?

Gadget blushed again. "Well, no. But I think that Monty is going to explain it when we're not there. He thinks that he'll be mad, but that he'll get over it."

TOM: Monty and Dale?

JOEL: Dale and Dr. O'Connor?

CROW: Dr. O'Connor and Mitchell?

"That's Dale, alright. Slow to thought, quick to temper.

JOEL: [Chip] Why I picked such a lame excuse for a best friend I'll never know!

Inside, though, he'll realize that it's the right thing."

TOM: To blow up and spout off?

Chip squeezed her hands. "Like I did."

Gadget stared into his eyes.

CROW: [Gadget] Is that your natural eye color?

She leaned forward; the kiss was the sweetest thing that she had ever felt.

CROW: Uh, did they ever take off his oxygen mask?

JOEL: No. Why?

Suddenly, the pair felt eyes on them.

TOM: [nurse] Oops! Sorry -- tripped as I was walking this jar down to the organ transplant room....

They broke apart and looked up.

JOEL: It was a brief affair....

Dale stood in the doorway, his eyes wide.

CROW: [Dale] Someone replaced my eyedrops with Crazy Glue.

"Dale- " Chip began.

Dale put out his hands.

CROW: [Dale] All right, Chip -- hustlin' da broads already! Gimme ten, bro! You da man!

"Hey, uh, don't mind me. I'll just get in the way, as usual."

TOM: It's his God-given gift, all right.

He turned and ran out of the room.

JOEL: [Dale] Rikki Lake is on!

"Oh, no," groaned Chip.

"I'll talk to him," said Gadget. She started to get up, but Chip's persistent hands caught her.

JOEL: [Chip] Forget the loser -- let's love!

"Just let him cool down for a while," he cautioned. "He's likely to just blow up and be unreasonable.

TOM: He's unstable, anyway.

The best bet is to just let it go for about a day.

CROW: [Chip] He forgets things quick.

Then he'll calm down and be able to be confronted. Until then, just pretend that it didn't happen."

JOEL: Denial. The cornerstone of all successful consoling.

Gadget sat back down, not knowing what to say. A few minutes later, Monterey walked in.

JOEL: [Monty] Well, you two are certainly havin' yerselves a time!

"Have you seen Dale?"

TOM: [Gadget] Well, duh, we've been on the same team for years.

Gadget and Chip looked at each other.

CROW: [Chip] Who tells him you're pregnant?

"Monty, I thought that you were going to talk to him," said Gadget. Monty looked taken aback.

TOM: [Monty] I did. We talked about how much Gadget loves Dale... oh, wait. It's Chip, you love -- dang it! I can never tell these chipmunks apart!

"I was going to, but he was insistent on coming and seeing Chip for a while.

CROW: [Monty] He was hoping to get here in time to watch the surgery. Odd lad.

Why? What happened?"

"Dale walked in at a bad time," explained Chip.

JOEL: [Chip] He saw us putting the gifts under the tree.

"Now he's off somewhere pouting. He needs to watch his temper.

TOM: [Chip] It's not housebroken and we're guests here.

Things like that are what could tear our team apart."

CROW: My money's on the fanfic authors.

He started to sit up, but the sudden shock of pain kept him from propping himself all the way up.

"Now, Chip, you know how you would feel if you walked in on Dale and me," Gadget said softly.

TOM: [Gadget] Goin' at it in wild, passionate, monkey-love... oh! Not that we've done anything like that at all during the time you've been away. Really. Honest.

"I wouldn't be too critical. He did lose his temper, but he'll calm down. He always does!"

Dale walked up and down the length of the park. He wiped his tears away with one hand. The anger overwhelmed him. First, he thought that Chip was dying. Then,

CROW: Chip had the nerve to live! How rude!

he walked in on his best friend kissing the girl that he loved! Of course, he told himself, Chip loved her too. However, that part of his inner dialogue didn't register.

TOM: It was forced to wait in the mile-long on-site registration line.

JOEL: Always pre-register if you can....

All he could feel was fury and bitterness welling up inside. At least Chip was in the clear. That soothed him somewhat, but then he remembered walking in and seeing Gadget lean down and kiss Chip!

CROW: He wanted to kiss Chip!

Why Chip? he asked himself.

JOEL: Because he's the only other chipmunk in the city?

He was the funny one!

TOM: Chip was?

CROW: Uhm, no.

Chip didn't have near the sense of humor that he had. Also, Chip had no sense of entertainment. Gadget would get bored! he told himself.

JOEL: You mean she's not already?

He walked around the park a few more times, venting his frustration.

CROW: Beating the crap out of the smaller animals.

Sure, Chip was the smart one, but that wasn't a good reason for Gadget to prefer Chip over him!

JOEL: Maybe because Chip doesn't have a nose the size of Neptune.

As he wandered around aimlessly, he then began to realize what was truly bothering him.

CROW: The ham he had found in the back of the fridge, but ate anyway.

It was the fact that Chip or Gadget had not told him about their current status.

JOEL: They give Dale daily updates?

He felt betrayed.

TOM: He saw the wisdom of Benedict Arnold.

Suddenly, the stress of the past few days overwhelmed him. Dale sat down, hugged his knees to his chest, and cried.

CROW: Wow, someone is actually crying more often than Gadget!

That night, Chip lay wide awake in the hospital bed.

JOEL: Someone had mistakenly hooked his IV up to the espresso machine.

Monterey Jack was snoring softly in the chair beside him. His thoughts kept returning back to Dale.

TOM: The dead weight of the team.

Zipper had come in telling them that Dale had returned home, but had refused to speak to Gadget and went straight to his room.

CROW: [Eric Idle] Now I've got to get into the fish tank and sing!

He knew that he had hurt Dale's feelings, but Chip had feelings, too.

JOEL: Take one rationalization and deny everything in the morning.

He couldn't stifle his own for his friend's sake; not when it was as important as his love for Gadget.

CROW: Yeah, why care about Deadbeat Dale?

He was about to roll over, but he remembered his stitches. He sighed as he tried to relax. There was nothing more that he hated than to be inactive for long periods of time.

TOM: Although having his legs waxed ran a close second.

Taking a deep breath, he winced.

JOEL: [Chip] Living hurts.

CROW: We know it so well.

The pain still had not faded. Of course, the doctor told him that it would take three, maybe four weeks for the burn to heal completely.

TOM: But the doctor also told Chip that Australia was inhabited by clones of Elvis Presley, so Chip had his doubts.

Chip had moaned; to be trapped inside without working for a month was terrifying.

JOEL: I guess the Rangers don't offer workmans comp.

He then smiled, thinking of Gadget. At least she would be wonderful company.

CROW: If you know what I mean....

A frown creased his brow as he remembered Dale and his reaction to Chip and Gadget.

TOM: [Dale] Nowak says you guys can't have babies, so there!

Tears began to well up in his eyes. Although no one could see him,

CROW: He's wearing swim fins and a diaper?!

Chip embarrassedly wiped the salty drops away from his cheeks. Chip truly loved Dale as a brother, the brother he never had.

JOEL: Then he wouldn't know what it's like to love a brother, but oh well.

And now, Dale was trying to compromise that bond by being unreasonable.

TOM: By acting human, right.

CROW: Chip learned about emotions from Mr. Spock.

Of course, Chip supposed, he was almost as much to blame as Dale. Gadget was coming between them.

JOEL: Then wouldn't Gadget be the one to blame?

As much as he hated it, Gadget was his new priority. He gave a sigh and kept trying to go to sleep.

CROW: He wondered if shutting his eyes would help.

The next day, the doctor breezily gave Chip a checkup.

TOM: [Chip] Please, not another body cavity search....

"Well, Chip, it looks like you're finally going to be o-k."

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] Once we kill you, your health problems will be solved.

Chip grinned. "So, does that mean that I get to go home?"

The doctor shook his head. "Sorry, but we need to keep you for a few days.

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] We have some interns who need to brush up on their cadaver studies.

For observations, and all. We just want to keep an eye on you." Dr. O'Connor left the room.

TOM: The doctor has clairvoyance, I guess.

Chip's grin faded. Monterey gave him a nudge.

JOEL: Chip fell out of the bed and hit the floor, popping his stitches open and spilling his heart and lungs out in a bloody heap.

CROW: Good action sequence!

"Don't worry, Chipper, me lad. You'll be outa here in two shakes of a dingo's tail!"

"Sure Monty. Whatever you say."

CROW: [Chip] Just spare me your redneck catchphrases.

Chip's downcast expression made Monty's heart ache.

JOEL: Oh great -- now Monty is falling in love with Chip!

TOM: All we need is Caprice and we'll have "The Days of Our Lives".

He knew that Chip wanted to get out of this place so that he could be with Gadget. He also knew that Chip was dying to get back

CROW: Ha ha -- little hospital joke.

to cases as well. He just patted Chip on the shoulder and hurried after the doctor.

TOM: [Monty] He's not dead yet! Can you fix that?

Chip was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even notice.

"Hey, doc!" he called.

JOEL: He left the room, Chip.

Dr. O'Connor turned and smiled.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] Do I know you?

"Yes? What can I do for you?"

Monterey puffed to a stop. "Uh, are you sure that Chip needs to stay for a few days? I mean, he really wants to go home.

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] He needs to be monitored--

TOM: [Monty] His insurance company won't foot any more bills.

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Have him out of this building in twenty minutes.

He's been here for three days already and he's getting restless."

JOEL: [Monty] He wants new wallpaper.

The doctor paused and thought for a moment. "Well, I'm not sure. He needs to stay here at least another night. He still has a chance of going into shock from the surgery.

CROW: [Dr. O'Connor] Or my ineptitude.

I mean, for all I know, he may be in shock, and we just don't realize it.

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] We really aren't very good at this "medical treatment" thing.

It's very difficult to tell with chipmunks.

JOEL: Oh, like if that isn't the standard cop-out for doctors these days....

But, yes, after tomorrow, I don't see why Chip can't go home- that is, if there are no more complications."

TOM: [Old Guy from "Cave Dwellers"] It is everything... and nothing.

On that note, Dr. O'Connor hurried away as a nurse began calling his name.

JOEL: As a curse.

Monty gave a little smile and went to tell Chip the news and to call Gadget.

TOM: Why should Chip call Gadget?

CROW: Probably needs her to secretly airlift him out, so they don't have to pay the bill.

Back at headquarters, Gadget smiled in relief at Monterey's phone call.

CROW: There was a lot of heavy breathing, but she sort of enjoyed it.

"Hey, Zip! Monty said that Chip may get to come home tomorrow!"

TOM: [Gadget] In a bodybag!

"Hooray!" Zipper squeaked.

CROW: [Zipper] I'll tell the maggots!

He buzzed away to tell Dale.

Gadget smiled to herself. When Chip came home, everything would be perfect.

JOEL: Gadget lives a hopelessly blind, idyllic life of fantasy and illusion.

Suddenly, she heard a crash, and Zipper came flying very fast (even for him!) around the corner from Dale's room. Gadget sighed. Well, maybe not exactly perfect. Dale still hadn't calmed down.

CROW: It's been years and he's still sore that "Barney Miller" was canceled.

She looked questioningly at Zipper. He just shrugged dramatically and shook his head. Gadget sighed again and went over to the couch. She began to wonder if Dale would ever talk to them again.

TOM: It was a glimmer of hope--

She wasn't sure if Dale loved her or not, or if he was just jealous. At any rate, she loved Chip and that was that.

JOEL: Dale could drop dead for all she cared.

She set her resolve.

TOM: She was going to a dental hygienist.

No one was going to tear them apart- not after all that they had been through. She finally sank down on the cushions. Tears began to well up in her eyes. The team was falling apart without Dale.

TOM: Who would they blame their mistakes on?

Well, maybe not, but they were certainly stressed out about it. That just couldn't be healthy for future teamwork.

TOM: [sarcasm sequencer] Noooo....

She turned to Zipper. "Hey, Zipper?

CROW: [Gadget] Would you stop laying your eggs in the jelly?

Do you think that you could keep house?

JOEL: Zipper really doesn't get much respect anymore.

I'm going to go see Chip. If Monty gets back or something,

JOEL: As in, he doesn't get back.

tell him where I've gone, o-k?"

Zipper squeaked an positive answer.

CROW: [Zipper] Ditching the team to make-out with Chip. Got it.

Gadget grabbed her goggles and hurried out of the house. On the way to the hospital, she started thinking again.

TOM: [Gadget] I should just build my own stomach pump; be cheaper in the long run.

She hoped that Chip was resting and not worrying about this conflict that had erupted.

JOEL: Why? It's not like Chip and Dale have been as close as brothers or anything.

As she neared the hospital, she was forced to wipe at her eyes again.

CROW: [Gadget] Damn pigeons.

Why was she so sensitive all of a sudden?

JOEL: Normally her heart was a rough chunk of stone.

She laughed through her tears- it must be love, she mused.

TOM: Or expired medication.

She hugged herself before she entered the building,

CROW: Hoping whoever groped at her this time had their shots.

pretending that it was Chip's arms encircling her instead of her own. She giggled at her silliness.

TOM: [Gadget] Chip doesn't have arms!

She went on through the ventilation and into the busy (as usual) hospital.

TOM: I guess it would be bad for a hospital to be dead quiet, yeah. Hah!

She made her way to Chip's room, slowly but surely.

CROW: Making her way around Dr. O'Connor's latest patients from a long line of failed experiments.

As she entered, Monty jumped up to greet her and Chip smiled, still weak.

JOEL: [Chip] Great. I have to endure the smell of overalls that have six-year old 15W motor oil stains.

"Hey, Gadge!" Monterey said loudly, as was characteristic of the large mouse.

TOM: Since when?

Gadget threw him a look bordering on a glare. "Hey, don't call me that!" she exclaimed.

CROW: Huh?

TOM: This is new....

She smiled at Chip. "How are you feeling?"

JOEL: [Chip] With my nerve endings, I suppose.

Chip shrugged, and made a face. "All right, I guess. I still don't feel all that great, though."

TOM: So why would he be feeling all right?

Gadget smiled sympathetically as she made her way over to his bedside. She turned to Monterey Jack. "Monty? Could you-"

JOEL: [Gadget] Stop looking at me like that?

"Oh! Sure, luv. I was going to go on home, anyway." As he passed by her, he gently took hold of her arm and bent down to whisper in her ear.

CROW: [Monty] Twenty grand. Tonight. Or the chipmunk here dies.

"Hey, be easy with him. He's not having a good day." Gadget nodded, her head down.

CROW: [Monty] He just learned what Soyent Green is made from.

Chip watched Monterey's back as he left.

TOM: [Chip] Whoa -- Monty got back.

He turned his head slightly to face Gadget. "How's Dale?" he asked softly.

Gadget didn't exactly look at him. "Well, he's still pretty upset. He hasn't spoken a word to me, and today he threw something at Zipper. I think it was a comic book." It sounded so ridiculous that the two began to laugh.

CROW: Uh, Ha?

After a minute, Chip was gasping for breath. "Oh, Chip! Are you o-k?"

JOEL: Hey, he's Col. Glen Manning now!

Chip kept laughing, only not as hard. "Oh, I'm fine. I just haven't laughed in forever!

JOEL: There really hasn't been any reason to.

I've really missed it." He paused and looked meaningfully at her. "I've really missed you."

TOM: [Chip] Laughing at you, I mean.

Gadget blushed. "Oh, Chip . . ."

"No, really." Chip was very serious now. He reached for her hands and pulled her toward the hospital bed.

TOM: Wow!

CROW: No time like the present, eh Chip?

She sat down next to him. "Gadget, you don't know how long I've been wanting to tell you that I love you, and how long that I've wished for the same words to come from you. And now, they have."

They stared into each others eyes for a long moment.

JOEL: [Gadget] I didn't understand a single thing you just said.

"I love you, Chip," Gadget breathed.

Chip beamed at her.

JOEL: [Gadget] But only as a brother.

TOM: Oooo....

CROW: That'll kill your joy real quick....

"I've been waiting for that for a long time, Gadget. I love you, too." He extended his hand and touched her blonde hair with a careful hand, almost not believing it.

TOM: [Chip] Your roots are black!

Of course Gadget had told him a few days ago that she loved him,

TOM: But, as usual, he really hadn't been listening to her; she rarely had anything of importance to say.

but now it just seemed more special, more real. They sat there for many long minutes, not realizing how much time was slipping away.

CROW: Man, they're just naturals at this romance thing, aren't they? Just sitting and staring like that.

Suddenly, Chip's stomach growled, breaking the moment. The pair began laughing again.

JOEL: In came the nice rodents in white coats to put the straightjackets on--

"I don't guess that I've even eaten since breakfast.

TOM: Uh, okay. Nobody's forcing you to guess, you know.

I didn't really eat much lunch." He made a face.

CROW: He's good at that.

"I wouldn't eat any of this hospital food if I were you," he cautioned. "It's worse than Dale's cooking."

They laughed for about five seconds until they realized what Chip had said.

JOEL: And how incredibly lame it was.

Silence encompassed them again. Gadget looked down at her lap. "What are we going to do about him, Chip?"

TOM: [Chip] Dump the driftwood.

Chip sank back into his pillows. "I just don't know.

CROW: [Chip] It's not like I ever had to make a decision before, you know!

I didn't sleep at all last night worrying about him. I don't have a single idea of how to handle him anymore." Gadget caressed his hands.

"Don't worry, Chip. It'll all work out." But she wasn't so sure.

CROW: Swell -- she's turning into Dr. O'Connor now.

TOM: Come on, let's go.

[They exit the theater.]

[1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G]

[CROW, TOM, and GYPSY are all lined up at the counter. All seem reserved and depressed. While TOM and CROW shake their heads slowly, GYPSY merely stares blankly ahead -- which isn't too uncommon, really.]

MAGIC VOICE: Dr. Doolittle, telephone. Dr Doolittle, telephone, please.

CROW: I just can't believe it. Joel might--

TOM: Don't you say it, Crow! Don't even think it! Joel's a fighter! He'll pull through, you just wait and see!

CROW: [sniffling] I know, I know, Tom... but still... I mean, what if he dies?!

TOM: I told you not to say that! Joel hasn't met the fanfic yet that can break his will so bad that he just ups and dies.

MAGIC VOICE: Dr. Giggles to the Emergency Ward, Dr. Giggles to the Emergency Ward, please.

CROW: But he's only human, Tom -- not a robot like you and me and Gypsy here! He's frail, and weak, and in need of protection from mean, nasty fanfics that hurt cute little animals and then put them under the care of some Freddy Krueger wanna-be!

GYPSY: I--

TOM: [interrupting] Crow, fretting over it won't help! We... we have to be strong. like Joel.

CROW: You mean the Joel who's in intensive care because he's weak and dying?

TOM: D'oh!

MAGIC VOICE: Dr. Demento, to post-ops, please. Dr. Demento, to post-ops.

GYPSY: I--

CROW: Well I just wish he would get all better. [sniff] I miss the little bejumpsuited guy. Even his wafting trail of human odors.

TOM: ...I wouldn't go that far, personally.

MAGIC VOICE: Dr. O'Connor, your copy of "Live Organ Transplants for Dummies" has arrived at the front desk. Dr. O'Connor to the front desk, please.

[Pause.]

CROW: Gypsy, what do you think?

GYPSY: I love him.

CROW & TOM: What?!?

CROW: You mean you don't love me?! What a jip!

TOM: Hey, pin-beak, if anyone has a right to be upset, it's me! Why would Gypsy care about a gold-plated, basket-head cretin like you?

CROW: Oh, like you're such a big deal, Mr. Nothing-In-My-Head! You're arms don't even work!

TOM: Yeah, well, neither do yours!

[They continue in this manner for a few seconds, until JOEL walks over behind them.]

JOEL: Hey guys. What are you quarreling about now?

[The bots turn to JOEL with surprise.]

TOM: Wha-- you're alive!

CROW: Nuts! Now my chances with Gypsy are even smaller! Why couldn't you have curled up and died like every one of your race is fated to?!

JOEL: Whoa, slow down, guys. First, why did you think I was going to die?

TOM: Well, all humans die, Joel. You said so yourself.

JOEL: I mean, why did you think I was going to die today?

TOM: Oh. Well, when we got out of the theater you said you needed to go die now.

JOEL: I did? [he thinks back] Oh -- well, I was mumbling too much, I guess. I said I needed to go "lie down", Tom.

TOM: ...oh.

CROW: Who cares? Now that you're alive, Gypsy is going to confess her love for you, shutting me out into the cold darkness of isolation forever!

[JOEL seems a bit taken aback.]

JOEL: The hell?

GYPSY: What? I don't love Joel. Aside from as a brother, of course.

[JOEL looks relieved.]

TOM: But you said, 'I love him', Gypsy, remember? After Crow asked you what you thought?

GYPSY: Oh. I thought we were talking about Richard Basehart.

CROW & TOM: Arrgggghhhh....

[Commercial light starts to flash.]

MAGIC VOICE: Security to the operating room -- Dr. Forrestor is preforming vivisection against patient's wills again. Security to the operating room, please.

JOEL: We'll be right back, here at the Happy Home for the Fanfics with Delusions of Grandeur.

[Smiling, JOEL swats the flasher.]

[JOEL stands in the SOL deck, a dead, gloomy expression on his face as he holds a phone to his ear. A male VOICE, obviously the guy on the other side of the phone, is talking:]

VOICE: Friendship? Love? Will the flowers from your mourning friends make your grave warmer?

JOEL: Isn't this the Negativity Hotline?

VOICE: Yes. Your point?

JOEL: Uh...actually, I was hoping for some help in making some friends feel better about life.

VOICE: Oh. You want the Anti-Negativity hotline. We're here to depress people who are feeling too happy.

JOEL: Uh-huh. [Realization] Hey, is that you, Nowak?

[FANFIC SIGN. Pandemonium. J&TB enter the theater]

TOM: I can't believe there's more to this.

The next morning, Monterey Jack came in to find Gadget snuggled next to Chip on top of the covers of his bed.

JOEL: Compromising? Nah.

He smiled; they really did make a wonderful couple. Too bad Dale didn't realize it.

CROW: [Monty] Mate, Chip an' Gadget make a better couple than you an' Gadget. Can't you see that?

TOM: [Chip] Selfish bastard.

He quietly went to the small window and pulled the curtains back to let in the early morning sunshine. Gadget stretched and yawned.

TOM: There's an awful lot of yawning in this story, isn't there?

JOEL: You're surprised?

TOM: No, just saying...

She turned and jumped, startled at Monty's presence.

CROW: [Gadget] Hi, Monty (tee-hee)! Nothing compromising, no, no...

"Monty!" she whispered, careful not to wake Chip.

TOM: If she's whispering, why the exclamation point?

"I didn't expect you so early."

CROW: [Gadget] I was just, uh, sleeping on top of Chip.

JOEL: She was on top of the covers.

CROW: Excuse me for trying to insert some drama.

She pulled herself gingerly off of the bed. She joined him on the other side of the room, the farthest they could get from Chip.

TOM: Who was getting ripe.

"How's Dale doing?" Monty gave a slight shake of his head. "I'm not sure, luv. He actually came out of his room for a while

TOM: [Monty] When I set the fire.

and ate some of my cheese flapjacks.

CROW: [Gadget] Attempted suicide, did he?

He may be comin' out of his funk. Slowly, but comin' out of it."

TOM: 'Slowly.' That's the word that describes the story.

Gadget still looked a bit depressed. "Don't worry, Gadget. He'll be right as rain once he sees how happy you two are together.

[Stunned silence]

JOEL: What the....

TOM: You know, Monterey has said some stupid things in his life, but....

This has been coming for a long time, and nobody's realized it 'till now."

CROW: Except for half the people who watched the show.

He gave Gadget a hug. "I'm proud of you, you know?"

TOM: For what? Gadget's done less in this story than in Episode 1 of 'To the Rescue!'

JOEL: Didn't she first show up in Episode 3?

TOM: Exactly!

Gadget smiled against the bigger mouse's chest. She squeezed him gently. "Thanks, Monterey. You always did know the right thing to say."

CROW: [Gadget] Like that comment about how happy Dale will be to see how happy Chip and I are together. I'm going to have to make sure I kiss Chip right in front of Dale, so he can see how happy we are.

Monty smiled, remembering his promise to Gewgaw, Gadget's father.

TOM: Geegaw, actually, but we'll let that pass.

He would always take care of Gadget, just as a father would.

JOEL: One of those fathers on the lam for failure to pay child support.

He wrapped his massive arms around her. "I just do what I can, luv."

TOM: [Gadget] And thanks for trying.

At that moment, Chip roused from his deep sleep. "Monty?" His voice was weak and cracked from the early morning hour. "Gadget?"

They went over to him. "Mornin', Chipper. Glad to see you awake!" exclaimed Monterey.

JOEL: [Monty] And in such pain.

"How do you feel today?" asked Gadget.

JOEL: [Chip] I couldn't breath all night...like there was some weight on my chest...

Chip stretched slightly, his unused muscles in his arms and legs tightening. "O-k, I guess. Considering I've just had two surgeries in the matter of days, I assume that I'm doing pretty good." He gave them a vague smile, then turned serious. "How are things back home?"

CROW: [Monty] Dale hates you.

Monty fidgeted and Gadget looked flustered. "Well, Dale's taking it hard, as you knew. But, we think that he'll be ok in a few days. It'll just take him a while to get used to the fact that . . . well, you know." Gadget blushed in the presence of Monterey Jack. Thankfully, Chip understood.

TOM: He ain't a detective for nothing, you know.

"Well, maybe I can go home today and everything will get back to normal."

"Yes, I believe you can." They turned to see Dr. O'Connor enter the room with a clipboard. "All your tests seem to be all right.

JOEL: [Dr. O'Connor] The other students are ticked that you blew the grade curve.

It appears that you can fully recuperate in the comfort of your own home."

CROW: Well, consider the source.

It was all Chip could do to keep from cheering. He was tired of being cooped up in such a tiny room, and the antiseptic smells were making him a little nauseous.

TOM: Not even counting the piles of used bedpans in the corner.

Gadget took his hand and gave it a loving squeeze. The doctor told them about all the checking out technicalities and said that they would send a wheelchair right away so that they could leave as soon as possible. Monty gave a wide Aussie grin

JOEL: "Aussie grin"?

and left to go fill out the paper work with Dr. O'Connor.

CROW: [Monty] What's this bit about 'The Hospital disavows all work by Doctor O'Connor?'

This left Chip and Gadget alone again.

JOEL: Dale's off sulking, still, and Zipper is stealing the show, as usual.

"So, how did you sleep last night?" asked Chip. He remembered waking up once at about three in the morning and feeling Gadget's warm body against his. It was the single most comforting feeling that he had ever experienced.

JOEL: Wouldn't waking up with a woman in your bed be more exciting than comforting?

Gadget reddened at his comment. "Well, uh, I slept pretty good, thank you. And you?"

TOM: Well, Gadget. Slept well.

Chip smiled broadly. "Great. I slept great." He stretched again. "However, I can't wait 'till I can sleep in my own bed in my own house."

JOEL: [Chip] With you, but I guess that goes without saying.

He sighed contentedly. "And I can't wait 'till I can get some time alone with you."

CROW: Say no more, wink-wink.

This time, Gadget didn't blush. Instead, she leaned forward, kissed him, and looked him straight in the eyes. "Me, too."

TOM: [Gadget] I can't wait until I'm alone with me too.

"Well, we're home, Chip me lad," exclaimed Monterey, helping him out of the Ranger plane.

JOEL: Well, that was a fast flight.

TOM: Can't be NorthWest, then.

He gently carried him inside to the couch. Chip settled back, still in pain, but incredibly happy to be home- and to be able to wear his old familiar bomber jacket again.

CROW: Joel, do you think anyone will ever write a Rescue Ranger fanfic where all the characters move under their own power for the whole story?

JOEL: No.

Gadget sat down, staying very close to him. "Well, sorry we don't have a welcome home party, but-"

TOM: [Gadget] You're not welcome here.

Gadget broke off, looking up as Dale suddenly appeared in the doorway.

[TOM whistles the 'Fistful of Dollars' trill.]

Dale took a step forward and stopped. "Chip, can, uh, I talk to you for a minute?"

CROW: [Chip] NO! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE DIALOG!

Chip looked around at the others. "Uh, sure. Yeah. Well, could you guys- "

TOM: Do you suppose there's a chance that Dale will reveal he's in love with Chip?

JOEL: No, that would be unexpected.

Gadget took the hint and led Monterey Jack out of the room. "We'll give you guys some privacy." Zipper buzzed away behind them.

CROW: Who said that?

Dale slowly sat down beside Chip on the couch.

TOM: Slowly.

The two chipmunks didn't look at each other for a few minutes. Chip was

TOM: Slowly.

embarrassed. He

TOM: Slowly.

felt as if he had double-crossed his best friend instead of merely following his heart. Then, Dale began speaking.

TOM: Slowly.

"I've been thinking

TOM: Slowly.

about this, Chip." Chip winced at the serious tone in Dale's voice. It wasn't often that one heard it, but when you did, you listened.

JOEL: Dale is really E.F. Hutton, I guess.

"I've finally come to the conclusion that I simply can't stay here with you and Gadget being together."

JOEL: [Chip] Okay. Bye!

CROW: [Monty] G'bye!

TOM: [Gadget] Don't slam the door!

CROW: [Zipper] Bzz bzz Bzzzt!

Chip's mouth dropped as he finally turned to look at Dale. "What do you think you're doing?" he yelled.

CROW: Uh, leaving?

Dale looked at him, startled. "Dale, you're my best friend.

TOM: Except for Gadget.

There shouldn't be anything to come between us; not even Gadget. O-k? Look, you're the only family that I've got. You can't run out on me now. Besides, where would you go?"

CROW: I think they handled this a lot better in "The Creeping Terror."

Dale shrugged uncomfortably. "I don't know. But, I don't want to be here when I'm not wanted." He turned away from Chip again.

TOM: So much for Monterey's "He'll be happy when he sees how happy you are without him" theory.

Chip punched Dale weakly in the arm.

CROW: Dale punched Chip strongly in the face.

"You must be crazy. You know that I love Gadget! You also know that I love you. Dale, you'll always be wanted.

JOEL: [Chip] This is no statute of limitations for your crime.

If not by anyone else, you'll be wanted by me. You- you're like my brother, Dale! And brothers don't run out on their brother."

CROW: Sure they do.

Dale had looked as if he was going to agree with Chip, but at this statement, his face turned stony. "But they can betray them right?"

TOM: All the time.

Chip slapped his forehead.

JOEL: Dale's, I hope.

"Dale, you just don't understand, do you?

CROW: Oh, that's a first.

I didn't mean to make you mad. But I couldn't ignore my feelings- not for you, not for anybody. I know that you wouldn't hesitate telling the one person that you truly love that you love them!"

Dale squirmed uncomfortably. "Well . . ."

TOM: [Dale] That is a major subplot in about three quarters of the stories about us, actually.

"Are you starting to comprehend?" Chip was trying his best to be patient.

CROW: But wasn't he trying to get out of the hospital so he wouldn't be a patient?

Dale shrugged again.

JOEL: Yes, Dale really is stupid.

Chip patted him on the arm. "Please, just think about it for a while. And don't even THINK about leaving."

CROW: Think about it, but don't think about it. Chip's been taking lessons from O'Connor.

He finally smiled. "We'd have to track you down,

TOM: [Chip] And kill you. You know too much.

and I don't think that the doctor would be too happy with me if I had to run out and search for you in the Ranger plane."

JOEL: Of course, if he were in the plane, he wouldn't be running.

Dale tried not to smile, but it was useless. He just couldn't be somber for too long!

TOM: I think he's just not smart enough.

Chip just grinned at his teammate. "Thanks, pal."

"For what?" asked Dale.

CROW: [Chip] Reminding me of my superiority.

"Just for helping me see what's important to me!" He leaned over and gave Dale a feeble hug. "I love you, you know?"

Dale laughed. "I know. I love you too, bro."

JOEL: I love you, Crow!

TOM: I love you, Joel!

CROW: I love you, Tom!

JOEL: I love you, Tom!

TOM: I love you, Crow!

CROW: I love you, Joel!

[sobbing]

JOEL: Well...it's heartwarming.

From the doorway, Monty and Gadget smiled silently, unbeknownst to the two embracing chipmunks.

TOM: Ah, the peeping motif from "Dark Savior."

Monterey gave her the thumbs up sign. Gadget beamed.

CROW: Back to the Enterprise, her work on this backward planet completed.

It was good to see the two being friends again. Now, maybe things would get back to normal.

TOM: You mean, something might happen?

CROW: There's only 1700 words left; don't get your hopes up.

The next day, Monterey Jack woke Gadget up early. "The boys ain't up yet, and I need your help."

CROW: Geeze, Monty spends more time in Gadget's room than Gadget.

Gadget nodded sleepily. "What are you thinking of?"

"I'll explain later. Get ready and we'll get to work."

TOM: [Gadget] Thanks, Monty. First you wake me up, then you won't tell me why. You're the housemate everyone dreams of.

Gadget quickly got dressed and brushed out her long hair. She joined Monty and Zipper, who were sitting on their knees in the living room.

JOEL: "Sitting on their knees?"

TOM: I'm guessing a weird spell check error.

"So, what's up?" Monty turned

CROW: First he wakes her up, then he refuses to tell her why, and now he asks her what's up?

from his position on the floor. "We're making a banner for Chip and Dale. It's kinda a 'welcome home' and a 'we're glad you're friends again' present."

TOM: [Gadget] Uh, are we?

"Great! What can I do to help?"

JOEL: See? Gadget now knows why Monty woke her up. Conflicts are being resolved, the plot's -

TOM: Stuff it, Joel!

Monty and Zipper looked uneasily at each other. "Well, Gadget luv, we were hopin' that you could help us hang it up." He motioned to the banner. "It's almost done, you see."

TOM: And for this, you wake up a woman who hasn't slept well for a week.

CROW: Monterey has had better days.

Gadget's face fell, but soon brightened. "Sure, Monty. Hey, can I wake the guys up when we're ready?"

TOM: [Gadget] It's about time I got to wake someone up, right?

Monty shrugged. "I guess so. Oh, I've got some cheese oatmeal for you, if you want. I know the boys don't like it."

"Oh, uh, no, uh, that's really o-k, Monty. But thanks, anyway." Gadget edged off to turn on the TV. The early morning news was on. "Oops, I don't think that Chip will want to see this-"

CROW: [Gadget] They're showing the swimsuit special--

"See what?"

JOEL: Bonkers?

Gadget whirled around to see a groggy Chip leaning on the doorframe. "Chip!"

she scolded. "What are you doing out of bed? You shouldn't be running around."

CROW: [Chip] I guess you better escort me back to bed, heh heh...

Chip smiled weakly and made his way slowly

TOM: Slowly!

into the living room, finding a comfortable seat on the couch. "Hey, don't worry about me. And don't worry about me watching the news." He gave a chuckle. "I can compare how everyone holds up without us."

TOM: [Stan Blather] Crime has dropped to an unseasonable low. "The rodents have stopped getting in our way," Sergeant Spinelli was heard to comment--

Gadget made her way over to him. "Do you usually get up this early?"

Chip shrugged. "Yeah, sometimes.

CROW: Wait. My parser just locked up. I heard them say, "Do you usually get up this early?" -- "Yeah, sometimes."

TOM: Mine too.

JOEL: No, they actually said that.

[Pause]

CROW: Why, Joel? Why did they say that?

JOEL: I... don't know.

Usually it's because I go run some laps around the park. This morning, I think it's just because I didn't sleep very good last night, that's all."

Gadget's face took on a concerned expression. "Are you all right?"

TOM: I think that was the best "Chip, how do you feel?" scene yet.

JOEL: I thought it lacked conviction.

CROW: Someone should be convicted for writing this.

Chip nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Too tired to sleep, I think."

TOM: [Dubiously] Uh-huh.

"Well, Chip, you almost ruined my surprise for you and Dale!"

JOEL: [Dale] You have a twin sister with loose morals who likes chipmunks?

CROW: Well, she likes older men, anyway....

"Huh?"

Monty held up a corner of the banner. "This is for you and Dale." Gadget ran over to help him, and Zipper lifted the middle of the huge sign. Together, they hung it up with tacks. It read: Welcome Home and Congratulations!

TOM: Yes, I can see why they had to wake up Gadget, the resident mechanical genius, in order to hang the banner. Yes indeed.

"'Congratulations' for what, Monty?" Chip was puzzled.

CROW: Surviving a plot-free story?

"For becomin' friends again, pally!" He grinned, his mustache quivering.

TOM: Uh... did Monty just snap and is about to go postal or something?

"We've been worrying about you two."

JOEL: Crow, remember the story you were writing earlier?

CROW: Yes?

JOEL: Can I read it?

"Wow, you guys. This is really special." Chip tried to stand up, but just couldn't gather the strength. He just eased back into the cushions nonchalantly, trying to act like he didn't feel any pain. Unfortunately, Monty perceived the discomfort.

"Are you all right, Chipper?"

CROW: I think this "Chip, how are you?" scene is much better than the last one.

TOM: Yeah, I agree.

JOEL: It's hard to choose -- they're all so good!

Chip tried to smile, but his mouth wouldn't form the expression very realistically. "I- I'm sure I'll be o-k, Monty. It's just a slight case of fatigue, that's all." Gadget sat down next to him and began to rub his back.

TOM: Wait. He eases back into the cushions, and then Gadget sits next to him, and she rubs his back? I mean, isn't the couch in the way?

"Perhaps you'd better go back to bed, Chip. You shouldn't be up, anyway," she admonished.

JOEL: [Chip] Geeze, Gadget -- I turn you on like nobody's business...

Chip looked slightly ashamed. "I guess you're right, Gadget, but . . . well, I just- I'm just tired of staying in bed all the time. I want to get up and walk around, run my laps, look for new cases. I'm just, bored, I guess."

TOM: [Gadget] Hmm...you're bored with staying in bed. If only I could think of something that would make being in bed more interesting for you...

She nodded. "I know. But you have to rest so that you can get better, 'cause if you don't, then you'll never be able to get out of bed. I mean, you won't get better, and you won't get to go out and look for cases and-"

JOEL: Do you think that was Gadget-babble, or just typical dialog for the story?

"O-k, Gadget, that's enough." Chip laughed. "I get the point." He shakily stood up. "I guess I will go back to bed." He winked at Monty.

TOM: Wow -- Chip's making the rounds.

"Doctor's orders, and all that." Gadget slowly

ALL: SLOWLY!

helped Chip back to his room. Dale was still snoring loudly on the top bunk. She carefully eased him down onto the soft mattress. Chip gave her a pained smile.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

CROW: LET ME KILL HIM! LET ME KILL HIM SO PEOPLE WILL STOP ASKING HOW HE IS!

TOM: Tch!

Chip shook his head yes. "Yeah, I'll be fine. You're right; I guess I do need to rest for a while longer, huh?"

JOEL: That could be why everyone's been saying that. Over and over.

Gadget smiled sweetly. "Uh-huh. Now, you just lay back and relax." She gently pushed him down and covered him with his blanket. "I'll bring you some breakfast." Gadget sighed. "Will cereal do? Monty made cheese oatmeal."

CROW: Joel, why do they let Monterey cook if they don't like his food?

JOEL: Because bad food is funnier than good food.

Dale groaned in his sleep. Chip laughed. "Anything but cheese oatmeal." He paused as they glanced at the top bunk. "And I think that Dale will agree with me."

TOM: [Chip] Because I'll beat him senseless if he doesn't.

Gadget grinned. "Sure thing. I'll bring you a bowl in a minute." She sailed out of the room. Chip lay back and chuckled. Maybe there was something to this invalid business after all.

CROW: Having hot chicks at his "beckon call," for example.

When Gadget entered the room next, Dale was up and stretching. "Good morning, Dale!" she said, cheerfully.

"G' mornin'," he mumbled, still half asleep. "What's in the bowl?"

CROW: Is it a bedpan?

JOEL: Oh, hush.

Gadget glanced down. "It's Chip's breakfast."

TOM: Well, Crow might be right; it could be Chip's previous breakfast--

She looked over at him in his bunk. "Sleeping again, I see." Sure enough, Chip was fast asleep. The doctors had told them that he would sleep a lot in the next few days while his body tried to heal itself.

CROW: Trying to repair all of Dr. O'Connor's "oopsies."

She smiled, not even realizing she was.

JOEL: Unconsciousness turns her on.

Dale caught her dreamy look and his cheeks brightened. She snapped back to reality and tried to apologize. "Look, Dale, this thing between me and Chip-"

Dale just shook his head.

TOM: [Dale] I finally realized seeing you and Chip eating face makes me feel real good about myself.

"Hey, I'm sorry about how I acted. It was really stupid of me."

JOEL: Now that line really sums up the total of Dale's existence.

"Dale, I just want you to know that I don't care for you less than Chip. Just- well, I don't know. It's not the same. You know?"

TOM: [Gadget] Chip gets me hot.

Dale reluctantly nodded. "I know. I'm sorry, Gadget." Suddenly, he perked up. "Hey, what is for breakfast?"

Gadget's face fell. "You won't be very happy."

CROW: [Dale] I'm used to it.

JOEL: [Dale] I was in "Under the Bridge", ya know.

"Cheese oatmeal again, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Cereal for me, too, then." He stumbled sleepily out of the room. Gadget just shook her head and crouched next to Chip's bed.

TOM: "Oh poor Chip," she then said.

JOEL: "Are you okay or dead?"

CROW: "Oh, for you my heart bled!"

"Chip?" she whispered. No response. "Chip?" she said, a little louder this time. Still nothing. Then, a soft snore. She giggled. She didn't know that Chip snored.

JOEL: She's done practically nothing in the entire story but watch Chip sleep and she hasn't noticed he snores. Right.

She carefully stroked his cheek, feeling the softness of his fur beneath her fingertips. The dreamy look returned. Her imagination wandered, unbidden. What was in the future for them together?

CROW: Better stories, I hope.

Would this thing progress?

TOM: Would this scene ever end?

She knew that she had loved Chip for sometime (even though she had refused to admit it to herself and to others), and that he loved her equally. Chip sighed quietly, breaking her thoughts. His eyelids fluttered, but didn't open entirely. She checked his pulse, almost as an afterthought, but found nothing unusual- merely an affect of the anesthesia still in his system. She returned to her daydreaming. Marriage? Kids?

JOEL: Soundproofed playroom?

Who knew what could happen? In her own little world, Gadget began weaving fantasies of her new life with Chip.

CROW: All of which were more interesting than the story.

"Gadget?"

Gadget bolted upright, jerked out of her sleep. She had fallen asleep on the floor next to Chip's bed.

JOEL: Say, she never laid down. That means she fell asleep crouching next to a bed and hit the floor without waking up.

Almost hitting her head on the night stand, she pulled herself into a sitting position and yawned. "What time is it?"

Chip himself yawned before answering.

[JOEL yawns]

[CROW yawns]

[TOM yawns]

[MAGIC VOICE yawns]

[A RUSSIAN DOG in a passing biosatellite yawns]

"I think that it's time for lunch. I smell cheese."

TOM: Since Monty makes cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, how can you tell?

They laughed together. Chip brushed a small ball of dust out of Gadget's hair. "I think that I need to sweep in here."

Gadget sneezed to reiterate his point. "Yeah, I think that you're right." She began swiping at the dust that lightly covered her purple coveralls. "Dale will never do it."

JOEL: See -- more drama! Will Dale sweep? Will Chip sweep?

"Gadget? Chipper? I've got lunch ready," called Monty.

Gadget stood all the way up and sighed. "Are you hungry? I can bring you something," she offered.

Chip shrugged. "Not particularly, but I probably need to eat something." He motioned to the soggy cereal on the nightstand. They laughed again.

TOM: The characters just came alive for me. I can understand why a bowl of soggy cereal would be amusing to them.

"Well, stay awake, this time!" she chided playfully. She left the room and came back with two steaming bowls of cheese chowder. "I think that Monty's overly happy about me fixing that pressure cooker. I swear, if I have anymore cheese chowder after this bowl, I think I'll be sick."

JOEL: One bowl is all it takes, all right.

She handed a bowl to Chip and kept the other for herself. They sipped the hot cheesy goo silently for a few minutes, savoring the richness of the cheese and the importance of each other's company. Gadget looked up from her bowl and gazed at Chip. He returned her gaze after realizing that she was staring at him. He smiled questioningly.

CROW: Just two hundred eighty seven more words to avoid having something happen.

"What?" he asked.

Gadget's face turned a brilliant shade of crimson. "Oh, uh, I was just-" She broke off, knowing that she just couldn't lie to the one she loved. "I was just looking at you." She blushed yet another shade at the surprise in his eyes. Chip reached out and took her hand with his free one. "Gadget, I'm still reeling from the fact that you love me. I'm sorry if I don't seem like I understand, but I want you to know that I've done the same thing to you, time and time again." Gadget turned away. "Gadget? What's wrong?"

TOM: [Gadget] I just realized you disgust me.

CROW: One hundred eighty five.

"It's just that I never really recognized your, AH, advances."

CROW: Joel, can I pretend that Gadget is talking about Chip's private parts?

JOEL: No.

TOM: I second the motion.

CROW: [grumbling] Stupid democracy....

Then she corrected herself. "Or more correctly,

TOM: [mailman] If I don't get this certain box to a certain place at a certain time, we're talking certain disaster.

JOEL: [Baloo] You certain?

TOM: [mailman] Certainly,

I never took advantage of them." She turned back to Chip. "Actually, I did see them; not clearly at first,

JOEL: [Gadget] I hadn't cleaned my contacts for two years.

but then I soon got the message.

CROW: [Gadget, backtracked] I... buried... Paul....

I held back- I didn't want to hurt Dale's feelings." She gave Chip a small smile. "And now that the Dale episode is over, I guess we can get on with our relationship."

TOM: [Gadget] And forget about that loser.

CROW: One hundred eight.

Chip's face was positively glowing at this torrent of words. The lady he had loved and pined over for so long was finally realizing his love for her- and her own love for him. He gently squeezed her hand. She squeezed back and simply stared into his eyes. Although she didn't believe in the telling of fortunes (even after the incident with Cassandra, the fortune-telling gypsy moth),

CROW: She'd have to be pretty dumb not to after that episode.

she knew that she could see their future and fortunes together in Chip's dark brown eyes.

TOM: Or was it just an eye booger?

They leaned toward each other and shared a single, breathtaking kiss. A new adventure into the most uncharted of territories had just begun.

CROW: I'm guessing that would be Gadget's private parts.

The End

[ALL applaud]

All characters featured in this work are the property of Disney. No copyright laws were meant to be violated.

JOEL: But I did it anyway.

Any semblance to any other work (fan fiction or otherwise) about the Rescue Rangers is purely coincidental.

TOM: They usually have plots, after all.

Build Your Free Home PageVisit other great pages on:FamilyFamily

[Door sequence runs in reverse. On the bridge, J&TB stand around, anxious with anticipation.]

MAGIC VOICE: At the sound of the tone the time will be 10:23 and 15 seconds.

TOM: [Excited] I can't wait--

CROW: Hush! Shh!

[A heartbeat later, a tone sounds. The guys cavort happily and cheer. The MADs' light begins flashing.]

MAGIC VOICE: At the sound of the tone the time will be 10:23 and 30 seconds.

[GIZMONICS: DOCTOR FORRESTER's face fills most of the screen as he stares at us in dumbfounded disbelief. FRANK is visible in the background, jaw slack]

DR.F: What are you doing?

[SOL]

JOEL: Oh, hi, Doctor F. After reading that story, it just feels so good to be alive that even trivial, foolish things are a source of endless amusement!

CROW: Hey guys! I'll get some model paint, so we can watch it dry! You want enamel or acrylic?

TOM: Oh, enamel, definitely. Because it dries more...

ALL: SLOWLY!

[Laughter ensues.]

MAGIC VOICE: At the sound of the tone the time will be 10:24 precisely.

[J&TBs hush one another. At the tone, another celebration explodes. GYPSY appears, stage left, pushing a cart with squares of Astroturf piled up.]

GYPSY: I'm sorry, guys, I couldn't find any grass. Will this fake stuff do?

JOEL: Well, the idea was to watch it grow.

TOM: Hey, maybe watching Astroturf not grow would be even more fun!

[GIZMONICS]

DR.F: What have I done?

[SOL]

[GYPSY addresses the camera while J&TB stare at the Astroturf and giggle.]

GYPSY: Offhand, I'd say that you gave Joel a welcome respite from information overload. A cure for overstimulation and boredom. An ineffable story which, like Nirvana, can only be defined in negatives. No plot. No action. No clever dialog. No serious grammar errors. I think Joel, Tom, and Crow are well on their way to eliminating all desire for the illusions of this world. Three Buddhas will soon emerge from these chrysalises.

[GIZMONICS]

FRANK: We just have to send them another story.

DR.F: No, Frank, there's no way we can get them back into the theater.

[SOL]

[GYPSY watches through the next exchange]

TOM: Check it out! It's curling a little in the air flow.

JOEL: Gypsy, could you maybe find us a talking clock that only updates once a minute? Every fifteen seconds is a little too exciting.

[GIZMONICS]

[FRANK and FORRESTOR look on with frustration. JOHN enters from the side, holding a coffee mug and munching on a Rice Krispie Treat. He looks at the camera.]

JOHN: What's with them?

FRANK: The experiment didn't wor--

[FORRESTOR stomps on FRANK'S foot forcefully.]

FRANK: OW!

DR. F: What Frank meant to say is that they're just a tad too "at one with the world" right now. All I have to do is just pop them back into a state of cat-like nervous fear and paranoia.

JOHN: Oh, that reminds me. [he holds up the coffee mug, revealing that the bottom has been eaten through.] We're out of coffee.

[FORRESTOR does a take.]

DR. F: John, you're a genius!

JOHN: Your point?

DR. F: [ignoring JOHN] Frank! Get another batch of coffee ready! By the time next week rolls around, it'll make a perfect spice for their food supply....

[He cackles madly as he and FRANK head off.]

DR. F: [O.S.] Oh, and as long as you're there, John, be useful and push the button, hmm?

JOHN: [sighing] Marvin was so right. "Ten billion logic functions, maybe more..."

---FWOOSH!---

JOHN: [V.O.] "...they make me pick the paper off the floor."

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] copyright 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip, Dale, Monterey Jack, Gadget, and Zipper are owned by Disney. "Caretaker" and all original characters from it are [c] copyrighted by Rachel S. Helvey. John Nowak is [c] copyrighted by himself, as if you couldn't guess. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is not, in any way, shape, or form, a personal attack on Rachel Helvey, who also offered this one up to be MiSTed ("Hmm... a trend is developing...."). This MiSTing is [c] copyright 1998-1999 by John Nowak and Matt Plotecher.

"Oh, don't worry," said Dr. O'Connor, breezily. "We don't let Nurse Mitchell do anything big. We just let him handle small jobs.

Dale goes nuts! MSTed

By John Nowak and Matt Plotecher

Original Work by Jennifer Francine Davis & Tamera Liberto

[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G]

[SOL]

[Joel stands behind the counter, with a clipboard and pencil in hand, the bots flanking him. Joel doesn't notice that Cambot is rolling right away, as he appears to be reading from the thick sheaves of paper attached to the clipboard.]

JOEL: [a bit drably] ...and last month we've used about 43 paper clips, 28 rubber bands, and 1,238 jars of pigs knuckles.

[GIZMONICS]

[John is standing behind the control panel, with a pen computer. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank aren't around at the moment.]

JOHN: [Looks up with an expression of disdain.] "About."

[SOL]

JOEL: [With restrained sarcasm] We will capture better metrics going forward.

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: [noting something down] And what, dare I ask, was with all the pigs knuckles?

[SOL]

JOEL: Uh, well, we'd really rather not say.

CROW: Yeah -- some things are better left unsaid.

TOM: [a bit startled] Oh, hey guys, we're on!

[Joel waves to us briefly]

JOEL: Hey everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson and these are, by force of circumstances, my faithful companions, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. We're a little busy right now, as we're going through a highly-detailed inventory.

CROW: [insulted] Highly-intrusive, you mean. The voyeur down there wanted to know how many cases of Valvoline motor oil I'd drunk!

JOEL: It's just part of the normal census, buddy.

TOM: Come on, Joel, how many times before today have been asked the precise number of corn kernels you've eaten in popped form?

[Joel seriously considers this.]

JOEL: Well...

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: [slightly annoyed] Can we get back to the topic on hand please? Now, moving on to oxygen consumption divided into groups of no more than 53 molecules--

[SOL]

[Commerical sign starts to flash.]

JOEL: [resigned] As much as I hate to admit it, we'll be right back.

[He swats the flasher.]

[Commercials. Rah.]

[SOL]

JOEL: [To TOM] Tom, do you think this metrics program is designed to quash my usual chipper personality and replace it with the dry, caustic wit found only in ancient Sparta, totalitarian dictatorships, and highly-paid technical professionals?

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: [Shrugs] Can't blame me for trying. [He flips the pen computer away like a Frisbee, causing an off screen loud crash and cat's howl of outrage.] Got him. Doctor Forrester and TV's Frank are going to a team-building exercise in Orlando, Florida today, so they asked me to send you the experiment.

[SOL]

[Joel & the bots stare at the screen briefly.]

JOEL: Uh... you know, John, I think you're underestimating the importance of metrics in a modern business.

TOM: Exactly, Joel. Why, if we don't know where we are, how can we tell if we're improving?

CROW: You bet, guys! We all want to reach SEI/CMM Level 2, don't we?

TOM: I'll go recount those paper clips - "almost forty three" just isn't good enough for a program of such importance.

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: [Holding a tape clearly labeled "The Red Balloon."] I haven't had a chance to see this yet, but --

[SOL]

JOEL: "The Red Balloon?"

CROW: Hey... I like that one.

[Gypsy enters from the side.]

GYPSY: Can I watch too?

TOM: [Clearly doubtful] Not to rain on anyone's parade, but ... that is the French 1956 short directed and written by Albert Lamorisse, right John?

CROW: Tom, it's not like Robert L. Lippert made a film called "The Red Balloon."

JOEL: [Doubtful] Or ... did he?

[Everyone stares at the camera suspiciously.]

[GIZMONICS]

[JOHN reads the back of the tape.]

JOHN: French, 1956, Color, starring Pascal Lamorisse and Sabine Lamorisse

[SOL]

GYPSY: [Innocently] Isn't it an amazing coincidence that the two leads have the same last name as the director/writer?

JOEL: You've probably seen it, John. There's this bit at the end where the kid is lifted into the air by the other balloons --

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: Hey, I remember this now. I saw it when I was a kid.

[SOL]

TOM: [Stunned] You were once a child?

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: Yes, well ... sort of. [Voice hushed] "The Red Balloon." I remember. I remember. Oh, God, what if his hand slips?

[SOL]

JOEL: [Shaken] Uhm... maybe the balloons held onto him with their strings?

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: [Sobbing] Why did you have to say that?

[SOL]

JOEL: Huh?

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: Don't you see? It's a story of persecution, of murder, of revenge.

[SOL]

JOEL: Revenge?

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: All those other balloons grab the child because he failed to defend the red balloon and lift him skyward. Oh, yes, he's happy then, but soon his joy will turn into fear as the earth recedes below him!

[SOL]

JOEL: Uhm, well--

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: Higher, higher, ever higher, gasping like a landed fish as the air thins and he fights desperately for oxygen! At 19,000 meters, fluids begin to boil away from his body! Tears freeze on his frostbitten face, as blood drips from his ears and eyes. Struggling at first to get down, and then to release the balloons so he can plummet to a kinder death. But the balloons hold him, relentless, merciless in their tentacular grasp as his lips turn blue! His struggles with frostbitten fingers become more and more feeble as his strength fails him and finally, mercifully, suffocation brings an end to his torment. Not to mention the obvious symbolism of Communist domination of the earth in the image of a red balloon destroyed and reborn --

[SOL]

JOEL: [uncertainly] Uhm... you really did write "Under the Bridge," didn't you?

[GIZMONICS]

JOHN: [Now in tears] Don't worry, guys - I won't send this to you. Even though I'm a software tester, I can't do it! I'll send you a fanfic instead.

[SOL]

[Long pause.]

TOM: Good one, Joel.

JOEL: Urhm... oops.

GYPSY: Uh, hope you guys don't mind, but I've got some, uh, important stuff to do, so I guess I can't read it with you after all. [Exits, quickly]

CROW: [thoughtfully] John must've seen the Director's Cut.

[Lights and Buzzers and Chaos, oh my!]

ALL: Arrrrrgghhh! We've got fanfic sign!

[As Cambot descends down the passageway, in the background, we hear the beginning of Nena's song "99 Luftballoons."]

[ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... ]

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater.]

TOM: ...and I just want you to know, Joel, that I blame you for this at the outset.

JOEL: Well, geez, how was I know to that a remake had been made by Wes Craven and Joseph McCarthy?

CROW: Speaking of wacky duos, I'm going to take a wild guess and bet that this is another Chip n' Dale's Rescue Ranger 'fic.

"Dale goes nuts!"

CROW: Well, whattya know?

TOM: The title masterfully evokes a kind of free-wheeling goofy attitude... kill me.

by Jennifer Francine Davis & Tamera Liberto

The following fanfic may be unsuitable for younger viewers

JOEL: Or readers, as the case may be.

so please be aware of the fact there might be some things in this fic that might not agree with most of you but who cares?

JOEL: Well... kind of a refreshing chance of pace from "we hope you like it!"

TOM: Yeah. "You might not like this, but you can sit and spin for all we care."

CROW: Wonder if this means moral indignation or visceral disgust?

Foxglove cannot believe the situation she got herself into.

JOEL: [Foxglove] One episode of a cartoon series in 1991 and I'm still getting sucked into fanfics.

According to the contest of Miss Batty 1992 that she joined*entered*, the winner *with her winning after several grueling tests

CROW: What kind of grueling tests do beauty contests involve?

JOEL: Swimsuits, spelling 'dog'...

she won...but now for the final achievement she must marry the wealthy lizard sponsoring this tournament in order to get the coveted title.

CROW: Oh, that must be the endurance test.

JOEL: Do you guys think we got sent Part 2 by mistake?

TOM: Maybe. Don't tell the Mads or they'll find it.

Scene-fades in to Ranger HQs as Foxy is telling Dale the bad news.

Foxy:...So that's it...I have to marry this wealthy lizard or I don't get my title as Miss Batty.

CROW: [Dale] Can't you just sleep with the judges like everyone else?

JOEL: Would you really want a title of "Miss Batty" that badly, anyway?

Dale:Gee, that is horrible. Is there anything we can do gang?

Gadget:Golly! Sorry, Dale; I would like to help you guys come up with a plan, but Jimmy(Hitrat) has been acting very strange lately...

TOM: [Gadget] Winning that essay contest has really gone to his head.

CROW: Who's Jimmy(Hitrat)?

Monty:What's bugging the blighter, Gadget luv?

CROW: Shouldn't that be "What's bloomin' buggin' the blimey blighter, babe?"

Gadget:I don't know.

ALL: THIRD BASE!

That's why I have kept him in a solitary confinement cell

TOM: Let's just take a moment to let that line fully sink in, shall we?

[pause]

TOM: All done? Good; let's continue.

& uh....besides Monty...

[Gadget whispers something to Monty's ear she'd rather not let Dale,Zipper and Foxy know about]

CROW: How long does she think she can keep the reactor leak a secret?

Monty:Tooraloo! Are you sure about that?

Gadget:[nodding] It's not a very pretty picture.

JOEL: Most works by Picasso aren't supposed to be, no.&#8217; TOM: You know, I think that the other people in the room might be just a tiny bit curious by now.

Airborn:I think I have an idea, seeing that the boss is has gone thoroughly coocoo.

TOM: [Airborn] Let's mutiny and make me leader!

Foxy has to marry that lizard, right?

CROW: Who's Airborn? And shouldn't that be 'Airborne?'

JOEL: Maybe he was born while his mother was in flight.

TOM: Then shouldn't his name be 'Omelet?'

Foxy:But, Davy! I don 't want to!

TOM: [Goliath] But Davy, if the voices in your head are really God, you have to kill the Evil Ones.

CROW: Who's Davy?

Airborn:Who said you had to?

JOEL: Uh, you just did.

I say we slip that rich green dope a faker Foxy.

TOM: The preceeding line was brought to you by your local drug dealer.

Gadget:You mean guise one of us as Foxglove? Like I said, I can 't.

JOEL: [Gadget] Well, don't want to, really.

TOM: Is 'guise' a verb?

I still need more tests on Jimmy.

CROW: [Gadget] He's got that GED exam next week.

Airborn:[thinking up for a ploy] Which one of us here has exactly the same height,weight& etc,etc,&whatever

JOEL: I'm guessing the authors meant to put actual nouns here and forgot.

as Foxglove, huh? Chipper is.

TOM: Uh, what, exactly, is the point of marrying the lizard to Chip instead of Foxglove?

Chip:ME!? Are you crazy!? I don 't look a thing like a female.

CROW: [Chip] I sound like one, sure, but....

JOEL: And why Chip instead of Dale?

Besides I didn 't do so hot the day we saved Tami and Bink from Fat Cat 's gang.

TOM: Gasp! An actual reference to characters from the show!

JOEL: What -- you object to new characters in fanfic?

TOM: Not in principle, but it would be kind of neat to know who these guys are.

Airborn:Because you yahoos did not have the right technology.

TOM: And now Yahoo! owns half the Internet.

[Airborn looks meaningfully at Gadget]

Gadget:[blushes] Opps.

TOM: Oh-kay; we now have someone with better technology than Gadget. That's worth five points on the Mary Sue Litmus Test.

CROW: He's also shown all the leadership to date -- that bumps it up to ten.

JOEL: C'mon, guys, it's too early to tell.

BOTS: [Snort disdainfully.]

Airborn:And Roger,Sean and George do.

CROW: Who are Roger, Sean, and George?

TOM: Besides a 007 reunion?

They have everything to make Chip look like Foxglove.

TOM: [Airborn] A batman costume and Pepto-Bismo.

Chip:Wait a second here Foxy just WHY do you have to marry this lizard?

Dale:HEY! Are you coming down on Foxy, huh?

CROW: [Dale] How dare you insult my love by asking a completely appropriate question that might prevent her from having to go through this wretched ordeal! You cad!!

[Dale grabs Chip and the two start a melay]

JOEL: [falsetto] Melay relay felay-boo....

CROW: Melay?

[a beeper goes off in Gadget 's pocket]

TOM: [Gadget] Oh, golly, it's a good thing I got this mouse-sized numeric pager from the Mouse Telecommunications Company and plenty of mouse money to pay the service charges!

Gadget:Oh golly, Jimmy is up to something again.

TOM: [Gadget] I wonder why he paged me to let me know.

CROW: Like what? In a solitary confinement cell the only thing he could be up to is consciousness.

I better go check on him.

Airborn:You do that,

JOEL: [Airborn] Who needs you canonical deadbeats anyway?

go on Gadget--

TOM: [Airborn] And forget the love which we once shared [TOM sobs]! Just go!

Monty,Foxy,Zipper and myself

CROW: [Tense] Monty, Foxy, Zipper, and I.

will make sure Buster Douglas & Riddick Bowe here

CROW: Now we've got Buster, Douglas, and Riddick Bowe. Who are these people?

JOEL: They're boxers-

CROW: I know, but I'm on a roll here.

don 't have a major PPV.

JOEL: [singing] You down with PPV?

BOTS: [singing] Yeah, you know me!

JOEL: [singing] You down with PPV?

BOTS: [singing] Yeah, you know me!

[Gadget EXITS]

[Airborn seperates Chip & Dale]

JOEL: [Mole] But it doesn't say how far apart to seperate 'em!

Airborn:[contining]

CROW: Contining?

Back off! I 'm the Don King around here, without the hair of course... and more feathers...

JOEL: [Airborn] But the same good ol' American greed.

Foxglove:Please Dale, let me tell everyone how this started...

CROW: [Foxglove] My dad had slipped my mom a Spanish Fly, and well....

[fade to black as Foxy explains to the group how this all came to be and fade from black]

TOM: So... if this was an episode the screen would be black and silent for about five minutes or so?

JOEL: Roughly.

CROW: Hey, it's still better than any episode of "Kindred: The Embraced."

Foxy:[continuing]

CROW: Not to be confused with Airborn, who was still contining, of course.

That 's when I came over here looking from help from you-my friends.

CROW: [Foxglove] What the hell was I thinking?

I do hope Hitrat[Jimmy] is all right too.

CROW: Is Hitrat[Jimmy] the same guy as Jimmy(Hitrat)?

Chip:He will be. He is a trooper, and a survivor.

TOM: He's entered in "Survivor: The Biggest Oak Tree in Central Park."

[Gadget ENTERS A shocked expression is on her face.]

CROW: [Gadget] Never stick your tail in a wall socket....

Monty:What happened, l...

Gadget:Monty, please don 't ask, please?

JOEL: It's not like they're supposed to be a team or anything.

Monty:Uh, sure thing Gadget.

Dale:Wow! It must be something.

TOM: With sharp analytical skills like this, is there any wonder why Dale is the brain of the team?

[GADGET narrows her eyes at DALE.]

TOM: [Gadget] I vill crush you.

Gadget:[coldly]You have no earthly idea. I 'm going to take a nap.

JOEL: Then how serious can it possibly be?

CROW: Joel, it's probably just Biff[Boff], "Ba-Ba" Louie the Lamb, and Rootie the Wonder Mole up to their usual hilarious antics.

TOM: I see you're entering into the spirit of this fanfic.

I 'm exhausted. If anyone asks, or tries to attempt to get Jimmy out...I 'll hurt you. I mean it.

TOM: This isn't Gadget -- this is the Captain of the Prison Guard!

CROW: This makes two fanfics where she's into bondage -

TOM: Shut up! She is not!

Later all!

[Gadget procedes as smiles walking out]

Dale:Uhhhhhh...

CROW: Even Dale isn't quite sure what that line meant.

Gadget:Yes, I mean it Dale. Do not try my patience, please.

TOM: [Gadget] Don't make me get medieval on your--

[Gadget finally EXITS to her room for a nice long nap]

JOEL: Thinking wears her out, I guess.

CROW: She is blonde, after all.

Airborn:She is serious... that 's scary. Gadget isn 't letting me see Jim, and I 'm his best friend since Kindergarten, so that 's saying something.

CROW: At last -- a description of the new characters!

TOM: What -- two people we've never heard about before are childhood friends?

CROW: At this point I'll take what I can get.

Foxy, you want our help, you got it.

JOEL: Crow, you can add that second five-point penalty.

But just remember this:

CROW: [Airborn] I'm Coo-koo for Coco Puffs!

Chip impersonation of you is a very very serious risk.

JOEL: Especially if he tries to fly.

Foxglove:Why is that, Davy?

CROW: [Goliath] God told me Chip failed drama class.

Airborn:If we try to clone you

TOM: Clone her? I thought Chip was going to be disguised as her!

there maybe side effects... but Sean and Rog are setting it down in permanent form.

JOEL: Well, at least the side effects will be permanent.

If not that then the impersonation will work & then during the course of the wedding it might wear of off Chip, getting everyone angry.

TOM: Or a spot on Jerry Springer.

Chip may suffer side effects.

[Chip groans]

Chip:I don 't feel so good...

CROW: [Chip] My role's been usurped by someone I've never heard of before.

Airborn:[to Chip]Oh come on, tough it out kid.

TOM: [Airborn] You're only going to have your sex changed.

Foxglove:What side effects are there?

Airborn:No idea,

TOM: Nice of you to volunteer Chip, then.

our three beloved crack team of experts don 't even know.

JOEL: They aren't very good experts, then.

That 's why we need plenty o ' time.

TOM: Big o' blocks o' buttery time.

When is the wedding? There 's the question of the millennium...

JOEL: Actually, I'd rate it somewhere between "Is there life on Mars?" and "Where's the remote?"

Foxglove:48 hours from now.

CROW: Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte are the ring-bearers.

Airborn:Damn. Why such short notice?

Foxglove: The " " Miss Batty pageant ' ' was put together quickly.

TOM: [Airborn] That's nice to know. Now do you mind answering my question?

Monty:Still, that should give you time and all. Like to get to know this Lizard and such.

TOM: [Monty] Sorry, guys - I 'aven't been listenin' t' the plot so far, an' I didn't realize that we're gonna replace Foxglove with Chip, so it don't matter if she knows the lizard or not.

JOEL: You think they mean Wart?

CROW: A character actually from the series? Whatever for?

[Thaddues P. Wellington a tall and slender rich lizard wearing a blue fancy suit with combed back slicked hair and a moniclue

TOM: Moniclue?

over his left eye and his arms are behind his back ENTERS the tree]

TOM: So he's ENTERED, then.

CROW: How did he open the door with his arms behind his back?

Wellington:You need not Mister Colby;

CROW: Now who's Colby?

TOM: I'm guessing Monty; cheese names and all.

JOEL: Monty's gotta really be from Wisconsin, then.

CROW: Maybe Mike would know....

JOEL: Who?

I am here. Well, what a bunch of ragamuffins!

CROW: Wellington has a "beef" with our heroes.

However, I see a beautiful dandelion amongst the weeds.

TOM: But... a dandelion is a weed!

[Wellintong kisses Foxy 's wing]

Foxglove:Uhh... thank you...

JOEL: I suppose we should be happy that for once Gadget is not the target of the oily lust of a villain.

TOM: You always manage to look on the bright side, and that's what I like about you.

CROW: Kiss-up.

Dale:Hey you! Why I oughta...

Thad:Wendell!

[Wendell a huge over grown Mongoose in white dress shirt, grey pants and red suspends ENTERS]

JOEL: You'd think a vigilante group would at least keep their front door locked.

CROW: It's 'suspends' of disbelief! Hah!

Wendell: Yo! You wanted something, boss?

Thad: Get this Chip-punk out my sight.

TOM: [Dale] Uh, hello, reference desk? This is our place and you came in unannounced.

Airborn:Back off, scum bucket!

JOEL: I'm just in awe of how well the authors has captured the pacing and dialog of a 1990s Disney cartoon.

Wendell: Well well well David Sanders

CROW: Col. Sanders?

haven 't seen youse since the Giants-Eagles game of 1991... you lousy cheater!

Airborn:Look Banks, you knew full well that play was mine and I scored right, you just are way too slow for me.

TOM: [Nervously] So...they're football players now?

JOEL: Considering birds have hollow bones, I'd call it evoloutionary culling in action.

Wendell:Yeah, well, the Ref shouldn 't have used instant reply

CROW: Games are easier to win without fair rules, I suppose.

you scrawny feather- duster...

Airborn:I 'll show you feather-duster, snake-killer...

JOEL: So Wendell is a Green Beret?

TOM: I think that's "Snake-biter."

[Chip clears his throat]

Chip:Can you two settle this less violently?

TOM: Wasn't he just pounding on Dale two minutes ago?

JOEL: Hey -- maybe it was ironic humor!

CROW: We can hope.

Thad:*yawns* For once Oakmount

CROW: Think he's implying that Dale is attracted to trees?

JOEL: Thank you, Crow. Now I'll never read that suggested surname again without an unbidden mental image accompanying it.

your common friend has a good valid point...

JOEL: On the top of his head.

what a rarity.

Dale:HEY! That 's my best friend.

CROW: [Dale] Which is why we beat the snot out of each other every other episode.

Thad:Well then I guess that 's where they paraphrase the line of "Monkey See-Monkey Do ". I won 't cause anymore trouble.

TOM: Thad is the cooperative villain; "Okay, you win."

Wendell, enough. I know you Rescue Rangers...

CROW: Oh I see now -- they gave him a key for the door.

& I know you Mr.Sanders will send in your Springhare(Sean), Kangaroo(George) & Fox(Roger)

CROW: [Boris] Moose(Bullwinkle) and squirrel(Rocky)!

to copy my fiancee through Mr.Maplewood...

JOEL: Chip's a Xerox machine?

A warning to you good sir, if you so happen to go with that deed I will have no choice but to have the police on you for disturbing the peace,

JOEL: How, exactly, is making Chip look like Foxglove disturbing the peace?

Breaking & entering through Mr.Maplewood as Foxglove,

TOM: Is he suggesting that Airborn, disguised as Foxglove, is going to break open Chip and crawl inside?

CROW: Well, I can see how that would be illegal.

and for violating contest rules which are protected by official law...is that clear?

TOM: Beauty pageant rules automatically become the law of the land, you know.

JOEL: Well, if Foxglove signed a contract where she said she wouldn't be duplicated on a molecular level--

Airborn:Uh I was clear on the "I know" part but you lost me after that.

JOEL: Well, it's easy to do.

Thad:Odds botkins!

TOM: Gadzooks!

JOEL: Wowzers!

CROW: Gee-Oseph!

TOM: Is a 'botkin' one of my relatives?

Bah, let 's go Wendell...fools. That was your last warning.

JOEL: Nothing like a flat threat from an overstuffed lizard to make you quiver in your boots, all right.

Good day gentlemen & I use that term very loosely.

*Thad walks out & as Wendell follows glaring at Airborn*

TOM: [Thad] Must go knock Boney for jolly old six...

Monty:That guy has some nerve.

Chip:Yeah and a load of brass too.

CROW: [Chip] It's his favorite alloy.

Dale:He 's gonna loose that brass once I get him,

JOEL: [Dale] I'll lend him my crescent wrench.

I say we help the guys on the duplicated machine!

TOM: Why not the original machine?

Airborn:Sounds good to me, the more we help them the faster this will work.

CROW: Hey, that line actually made sense!

Chip:Didn 't you guys hear his warning?

TOM: [Airborn] The one about illegally copying prerecorded VHS tapes? C'mon, who listens to that?

Airborn:Chip, just because he threatened to bring down the law on us does not nessicarily mean we should not crash that wedding.

JOEL: [Muffled "Radio Voice"] One Adam-Twelve, chipmunk transformation into female bat in progress.

Dale:I thought you didn 't hear that part after "I know".

Airborn:Dale...I was being sarcastic & funny.

CROW: Well, sarcastic anyway.

Lighten up bro.

CROW: He's right -- I really should try to enjoy this more.

Chip:Yeah we should help Foxy-wait a minute where is she?

Monty:Right here a second a ago mates.

JOEL: Is the Pottsylvania Creeper smiling?

Dale:That does it! Wellington has gone too far now.....it 's personal!

CROW: Starring Michael Caine!

*screams angrily running away from HQ*

JOEL: Wait-- Dale freaks out because Foxglove quietly slipped away?

TOM: He never recovered from when she was Late for Breakfast.

Chip:Dale! Stop!

Monty:Come back Mate!

JOEL: Maybe you guys should be moving after him?

Airborn:Great now he is gone too!

CROW: I love this; a teammate runs off insane, but nobody thinks to try and go after him. What great interpersonal dynamics on display.

Guys I 'm wondering something since when did ya have to marry someone to be a contest winner?

TOM: Airborn apparently never heard about "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?"

CROW: Lucky him.

JOEL: They did say this fanfic takes place in 1992.

Monty:No idea mate but something about Thad & Wendell looked awfully familiar....

CROW: [Monty] Say, I can see from here Dale's about to be run over by a garbage truck. Huh.

TOM: [Chip] Interesting.

JOEL: [Airborn] Well, you can pretty much let crazy folks run rampant unsupervised; let's work on some more exposition.

Chip:Rat Capone 's hoods? Sugar Ray Lizard &Arnold Mousenegger?

TOM: [Chip] Sure, I've seen them both several times and was even held captive by them for a period of time, but you can't expect me to keep track of every villain that oppresses me.

Airborn:Nah SRL has a raspy voice

CROW: Single Reflex Lens? What?

& he ain 't from London.

JOEL: And Thad is supposed to be?

Arnold is not a mongoose

CROW: Wow, Airborn is just blowing me away with his dazzling deductions, here.

TOM: [Airborn] And let's just forget the fact that I recognized Wendell when he came in, shall we?

and that ain 't no costume either. Besides why would Rat Capone send his henchmen to do a job like this?

JOEL: Because that's what henchmen do?

Chip:Maybe you should answer the question of marrying someone to be a contest winner then Dave.

TOM: [Dave] I'm sorry, Hal, but I can't do that....

Airborn:Too see if they can prove themselves as housewifes?

JOEL: No, then they'd have to be kept barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

TOM: Well, Foxglove is already barefoot....

Monty:Maybe Wellington is looking for more....

Airborn:Doesn 't matter.

TOM: [Airborn] Damn canonical characters always trying to contribute to the solution of a problem....

Foxy is missing, Dale just snapped, Gadget is snoozing & on a verge of a nervous breakdown

CROW: [Jim Davis] Breakdown? Maybe. Nervous? No.

& God knows what 's plaguing Jim.

CROW: [Goliath] Maybe you should ask Him, Davy.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

JOEL: This line was added for those readers lucky enough to miss the first half of this fanfic. And now, we return to our story.

*Just outside the city limits*

CROW: James Earl Jones throttles his agent.

Thad:As I suspected they fell right into my trap Wendell...now we have them. I have always wanted to see the downfall of the Rescue Rangers...

CROW: Why?

who knows

TOM: [Thad] Any of the characters in this story?

why with that bird out of the way your Giants can win the Super Bowl again.

TOM: Oh, Airborn is really a Raven, then.

Wendell:Yeah...if this plan goes according boss.

JOEL: Wendell was taught English by Crackhead Joe, I hear tell.

Thad:Oh it will my friend, it very well will.

CROW: [Dr. Suess] And if it involves a ball with berrys, bells, and bills, then it'll be a Very Well Will Berry Bell Bill Ball!

TOM: Time to go, guys.

[They exit the theater.]

[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G]

[SOL]

[Crow is behind the puppet stage, to the left, while off to the right resides trusty stage hand Joel. Next to him is an easel, holding several large cards, the current top one reading, "Rescue Ranger Employee Inflation." Throughout this segment, Crow speaks in his trademarked Peter Graves voice.]

CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves for A&E, here with a documentary about the obscenely obese roster list that the Rangers currently have, and how such a state came to be.

[Joel moves the title card, revealing a graph with a single line, wavering near the middle, then plunging into the depths of the abyss, which has been drawn in at the bottom of the graph expressly for this very purpose.]

CROW: Economic experts all agree that the true source of the Rangers current woes started as a direct result of Black Monday, when all the stocks crashed hard, scaring away many investors from such growth companies like the Rescue Rangers. Even after the Ranger stock climbed free of the threat of bankruptcy, many investors were frightened enough to demand a new leader.

[Joel removes the graph; the next card is a blown-up photo of an outline of a bird with a large question mark within.]

CROW: Enter Airborn, an previously unknown bird who quickly gained favor with the majority of the board members thanks to his spiffy little number, "As a bird of the blue sky, I'll teach the stocks to fly high." Having very little intelligence themselves, the board members were easily swayed, and soon forced veteran Ranger Chip to resign his position as leader, and forced him to the subservient role of "Test Subject for Experimental Bat Cloning," a move which Airborn would constantly attempt to use to rid himself of his only competitor for power over the next several years.

[The next card Joel shows us depicts numerous more animals in silhouette. The overall impression is beginning to become ominous, as the lights are starting to slowly dim....]

CROW: In order to fully entrench himself in power, Airborn quickly used his new authoritative power to place various trusted "lieutenants" in key positions throughout the Ranger's power structure, quickly giving him total control over the entire franchise and completely breaking the last hopes of free reign within the largest oak tree in central park.

[As the lights continue to dim, it becomes difficult to see the next card that Joel reveals to us, but a helpful, lone spotlight -- a deep and disturbing blood red in color -- shines directly on the card, lighting it up in all it's infernal glory. It consists of a power pyramid structure shown with the various silhouettes that we've already seen, all of which comprise almost the entire pyramid, expect for the original rangers, scattered about the bottom tier, completely ineffectual to the overall design (side note; Zipper isn't even shown). And this is probably just a trick of the light, but Crow's eyes seem to be glowing an eerie green. Odd.]

CROW: Now with Airborn in firm control of the entire Ranger organization, he had the total power and disposal of the Ranger's elite fighting forces acting as his own private army, as well as the respect and trust that the Rescue Ranger's name conveys to hide his ulterior motives. He could now perform illegal search and seizures, crooked bake sales, and shady bingo games, and none dare stop him.

[Joel reveals the last card, another black silhouette outline of a bird (apparently a crow) against a white background. Come to think of it, it looks suspiciously like the movie poster for the movie "The Omen II."]

CROW: It was only a matter of time before Airborn would soon enact his master plan for world domination, beginning with the enslavement of the insect population, then moving on to birds, fish, and sponges, before finally tackling humans and ruling the world.

[Lights suddenly return to normal. The green cast is no longer apparent in Crow's eyes. The commercial light begins to flash.]

CROW: I'm Peter Graves for A&E. Thank you, and all hail King Airborn.

[Joel silently swats the flasher]

[Commercials]

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater.]

*RR Research Lab

TOM: It's nice to know that two chipmunks, two mice, and a fly have the resources to endow a research lab.

Sean(the Springhare) & George(The Kangaroo)

TOM: [Sean] Tell me about the rabbits, George....

CROW: Okay, wait -- a lab used by rodents is holding a rabbit and a kangaroo. Are all animals in the world the same size, here?

JOEL: Do you suppose that Sean gets jealous because his article isn't capitalized?

are finalizing the finishing touches on the facade machine that will make Chip into a faker Foxglove*

CROW: [annoucer] Yes, thanks to years of research at Bell Labs, scientists perfected the lost art of transforming a chipmunk into a bat.

George:Got it calibrated right?

JOEL: Check the printout with the screen image.

Sean:Yes, this facade machine is all ready for testing

CROW: Oh, it's the machine that makes sets for Roger Corman.

that is to say if Owen & Roger are already to go..

*A musclar orange cat & a British fox enter the lab*

JOEL: Thanks to the aid of a crowbar.

Roger:Is the machine ready?

George:Yep. Just needs the inf.

TOM: That's one of the files used during set-up.

from you blokes & we can make this test mayhaps a successful once.

CROW: [George] Or just blow a crater in the ground the size of Manhattan. What the hell.

Owen:This won 't hurt, won 't it?

JOEL: It is, yes.

Sean:No not really.

TOM: [Sean] Trust me. [Evil titter.]

This is just a minmuin test

TOM: [Sean] Whatever the hell that is....

so we can use it on full power. Let 's begin.

*George sits down to operate the main computer of the machine*

*Sean sits at the operations table*

CROW: The fun starts when he finds out his doctor is Dr. O'Connor!

TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] This is not dangerous, unless it's immediately fatal.

Sean:I 'm turning on the machine now & collecting Owen 's data....*(in the back ground music you can hear Owen Hart 's second WWF theme song)*

TOM: And if you haven't heard it, you haven't missed anything.

*Airborn enters the lab but he remains in the shadows lurking unnoticed to the others*

CROW: [Airborn] I'm not skulking for any particular reason, just so you know. These are my friends.

Sean:Allright I got.

TOM: [Sean] Moves I. Haven't used yet.

Step onto the platform, Roger.

JOEL: [Sean] We'll blast your molecules over a three-mile radius yet.

*Roger proceeds to step onto the platform &George types in the data received from Owen to turn Roger into a faker Owen*

Roger:(as Owen) Wow! I feel different!

CROW: [Roger] Like I've been tampering in God's domain!

Jee Owen, taxi like diamond & big blue baggy pants?

Owen:Hey hey don 't knock it Roger. I 'm my own taylor.

JOEL: Elizabeth Taylor? I thought Dale had those fantasies.

TOM: [singing] I'm my own grandpa....

I think it worked.

[Airborn steps out of the shadows]

JOEL: Who knows what recipes lurk in the hearts of chefs? The San Deigo Chicken knows!

Airborn:What a bunch of dummies you guys are

TOM: I'm guessing the Rangers really miss Chip's kinder, gentler leadership style.

what good will it do us if we did not record the data from Foxy?

Sean:Once again Airborn you fail to realize the important facts, George?

JOEL: I think I like Sean.

George:I believe & no offence sir but we already recorded Foxy 's info.

CROW: Notice that George wants to make sure he keeps this job.

We got everyone 's already, we just needed to add Owen 's today for testing.

Airborn:None taken Rooz.

TOM: Wasn't she on "Night Court?"

So your telling me you got everyone 's DNA in that computer?

JOEL: Medical ethics? What medical ethics?

Sean:Everyone that 's from the Rescue Rangers.

CROW: Going by all the fanfics out there, that's half the planet.

Airborn:Well I guess I 'm the dummy then...

ALL: [Cheers and whistles]

that 's something else. Why didn 't you McBojo 's tell me before?

TOM: [Sean] We despise you.

CROW: [George] Uh, no offense, sir. [Makes butt-kissing sounds]

George:Uh well because you never asked us.

JOEL: The true sign of a born leader.

Owen:One thing about us mammals you got to admit we are very more better knowledgeable to the situation then you birds.

CROW: Owen's skipping his medication again, I see.

[Foxy flies into the lab via an open window & observes from the shadows]

JOEL: Since labortories are all so dark and poorly illuminated.

TOM: [Foxglove] If it's cool for one person to sneak into a lab, it's twice as cool for two people to do it.

Airborn:Okay Owen you got me there. Just becareful when you are resurrected as a bird & me as a cat.

TOM: [Airborn] 'Cause it'd be kinda wacky.

**As Airborn & Owen cogitate

CROW: [Airborn] Be gentle with me -- it's my first time.

George & Sean reverse Roger back to normal**

Roger:So. When do we facade Chip into Foxy?

Foxglove:Never...

TOM: [Foxglove] Uh, Nevermore. My line is 'Nevermore.'

*The depressed bat sadly walks in view*

CROW: [Foxglove] Do I haveta be in this fanfic?

Airborn,Owen,Roger,Sean&George:WHAT?

JOEL: [John, Paul, Ringo and George] HELP!

Airborn:You can 't do this. Weddings are a very important thing in your life.

CROW: [Airborn] Which is why we want Chip to marry a villain so you can win a beauty pageant.

Sean:Foxy, weddings are not made

TOM: They are synthesized.

they are bonds between two people

CROW: No, that's the wedding night.

who loved for a long time and are ready for that very commitment.

JOEL: Not counting the traditional Southern Shotgun Wedding, of course.

George:You 've got to stop & think about the most important decision in your life,

TOM: [George] Mac or PC?

whether or not you agree to this lie.

CROW: So he's saying marriage is a lie?

JOEL: Pretty accurate.

Roger:Foxglove...all this we may say to you might not be important to others

CROW: Who have half a brain.

but you are a special person in all our lives.

JOEL: Just like the other 53,289 members of the Rangers are special to us.

We care about you & love you no matter what.

TOM: [Roger] Even if you are rock-stupid.

What is important is how we do things in life.

JOEL: [Roger] Like how you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Weddings are things not to be jumped into like this.

CROW: Hey Roger, ever been to Vegas?

Foxglove:Guys I appreciate all of your concern...

JOEL: [Foxglove] But who are you?

but this is something I have to do..so I can satisfy Thad

ALL: Sayyyy....

& he can finally leave Dale,I& you guys alone.

TOM: "If I marry him, he'll leave me alone." You know, that line says so much about marriage in general....

Owen:But that means you will give into him,

JOEL: Marriage usually does.

TOM: There's that nifty "obey" clause in the vows, after all.

forget everything you did for us Foxy,

CROW: Which is embarrasingly easy.

not realizing the truth, standing for you principals

JOEL: And you school janitors.

and giving into a shallow bully such as Wellington.

TOM: Geez, even the characters themselves don't think much of the authors' villain.

JOEL: Well, the field of Waterloo remembers his valor.

TOM: That's 'Marathon.'

That is just not right, you 've got to boycott this wedding Foxy even if it means giving up Miss Batty of the year.

CROW: [Foxglove] Hey, I worked hard to get this far in the pageant! I had to prance around in revealing swimwear and spell 'ogd'!!

Foxglove:By sending in a facade me Owen?

TOM: Well, no, he said "boycott," not "inflitrate."

Then your words are empty.

JOEL: [Owen] No, just my head.

I 'm very sorry but I must do this decision alone whether if it means humbling myself.

TOM: I have to admit, marrying someone you detest to win a beauty pageant is pretty humbling.

CROW: "Dumb" is the word I was thinking of.

No offense Owen I know you & the rest care about & love me but as Airborn said there are risks....

TOM: In-laws....

JOEL: Children....

CROW: Kissing....

maybe not physically but mental.

JOEL: [Sean] Then you should be immune.

Now you all understand why I have to do this.

ALL: [flatly] To win a beauty pageant.

TOM: Right up there with Save the Whales, all right.

*hugs each of them & gives Owen a small kiss on the check, running out crying*

Airborn:Wow. I 'm flabbergasted...

JOEL: [Airborn] An canonical character grew a backbone and pointed out how inane this plot really is.

Sean:I 'm squechled....

JOEL: [Mick Jagger] I'm in tatters!

CROW: I'm confused. Isn't Foxglove doing the smart thing here?

bah! *slams his fist in the machine*

Roger:I 'm very puzzled.

JOEL: Let's allow this one to slide.

George:I have computer pan hands...owie.

TOM: ...the hell?

CROW: I've heard of loadpan hands, sure, but....

Owen:If you guys only knew how I 'M feeling...

JOEL: [Owen] Let me try saying it in a song....

Airborn:We get the general idea Owen.

JOEL: [Airborn] Foxglove's handling this like a responsible adult. This sucks.

*Wendell enters in the lab*

TOM: Clear evidence that the new Rescue Rangers have missed the point of an "open door policy."

CROW: So the only person who doesn't sneak in is a villain?

Wendell:Yo Sanders!

Airborn:Hey Banks this area is authorized only.

JOEL: [Airborn] Which is why we keep it unlocked, unguarded, and unalarmed.

Take a hike.

TOM: [Airborn] In Minnesota in the spring. It'll do you good.

Wendell:Just want to invites youse to the Boss ' mansion...he wishes a word with yas.

CROW: [Airborn] If it's "Wassup," I'll gouge his eyeballs out.

Airborn:*sighs* okay okay...well gentlemen I can see we will have to continue this discussion later. TA!

ALL: DA!

*the two arrive at Mr.Wellington 's plush mansion*

CROW: [Airborn] So... why'd he'd get a stuffed mansion instead of a real one?

Wendell:*points to the other end of the pool side sitting down with two chameleons in very small bikinis*

TOM: Female, I hope.

Over there.

Airborn:Why don 't I just fly over there...it will be a lot less further.

TOM: Well, actually, it's the same distance unless you go over an obstruc-

CROW: Shut up.

*Airborns flies over to where Wellington is*

Thad:Well glad you could join us Mr.Sanders can I get you anything?

TOM: [Thad] A life, perhaps?

Airborn:Trout. Ice tea.

Thad:Very well. Dennis!

JOEL: The Menace?

Dennis the butler:

TOM: No relation to Sam the Butcher.

Yes sir?

Thad:Bring Mr.Sanders rainbow trout & lemon spiced tea.

Dennis:Yes sir. Very good sir

*Dennis proceeds off to get the items requested*

Airborn:Why am I here?

CROW: [beatnik poet] Why are any of us here?

TOM: To show up the canonical cast?

Thad:First answer.

TOM: [Airborn] Answer what?

Very encouragable I see.

JOEL: [Thad] You're a worthy adversary to ask an obvious question.

The answer-I 'm going to give you Rescue Rangers a sporting chance.

CROW: Great. Another remake of "The Most Dangerous Game."

If you can act like proper lady & gentlemen I shall invite you to the wedding

JOEL: [Thad] Where you're then free to act as uncouth as possible.

& then afterward annul the wedding so Mr.Oakmount & Foxy live happily ever after.

TOM: I guess it really *is* a fanfic adaptation of "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?"

Airborn:This sounds disconcerting......

CROW: We hear ya, pal.

Thad:Mr.Sanders I 'm not a disporting lizard. I give everyone equal opportunities.

TOM: At what, precisely?

Airborn:Such as life.

Thad:Ha ha ha. You amuse me Mr.Sanders.

CROW: [Thad] I'm going to kill you last.

So I make you the best man, I request however though that this be a proper marriage I request that Mr.Colby be the father of the bride ,

[Everyone titters.]

JOEL: He'd better find Foxglove's mom quick then, and get to work!

Miss Hackwrench as the bride 's maid & Mr.Groundchuck

ALL: Groundchuck???

CROW: That's not a name-- that's something you buy at the deli for one forty-nine a pound!

as the Minister. I will also have a blond female southern duck to sing at the wedding-

JOEL: Shirly the Loon?

TOM: No, she's from southern California.

Ms Trixie Tailfeather.

Airborn:Well okay....but Jim can 't.

Thad:Mr.Groundchuck can 't...why not?

TOM: [Airborn] He's not a clergyman.

Airborn:Um he has come down...

TOM: [Airborn] In the world, rooting through dumpsters for gifts for friends.

*looks at his watch....the lavender emergency light takes over the whole watch screen goes off flashing back & forth*

CROW: [Airborn] Oops, time for my lavender pill.

((Oh son of a bitch...not now Gadget

TOM: [Gadget] I'm a female mouse, not a male dog, thank you very much.

....I 'm busy))

Thad:Mr.Sanders is something that matter? What is wrong with Mr.Groundchuck?

CROW: [Airborn] Pick a trait.

Airborn:*nonchalantly slams the watch to shut it off & looks at Wellington with a spooked look on his face*

JOEL: A masterful job of remaining inconspicuous, yeah.

TOM: Where does a bird wear a watch?

He uh went to his family reunion won 't be back for days.

TOM: [Airborn] They're trying to prove in court that he isn't theirs.

Thad:Oh...I see. I will just get something else then.

CROW: Sure, ministers come a dime a dozen.

But you, Miss Hackwrench &Mr.Colby except?

TOM: Shouldn't Airborn here check with them, first?

Airborn:Yeah we do....

TOM: I guess not.

*Dennis returns with the trout & tea*

Thad:Excellent. Enjoy your meal as well.

*Sanders begins to eat & drink as the scene fades out*

TOM: [Thad] I offer him something to drink and he orders lunch. Pig.

*Airborn returns to HQ to explain everything*

JOEL: [Airborn] I had a rainbow trout and a lemon spiced tea--

Airborn:We are invited.

CROW: [Airborn] And I haven't a thing to wear!

Now Gadget what hell was the emergency you flashed on my watch?

TOM: [Airborn] You know, the emergency I completely ignored?

CROW: I get the impression that this place runs more like a Frat House than a rescue organization.

Chip:On all our watches?

JOEL: [Monty] Wait-- we have watches?

Gadget:Big big trouble guys.

TOM: [Gadget] In Little Little China.

Jimmy is gone from his cell!

JOEL: Houdini paid a visit.

Airborn:Aw shit...now we are gonna get it.

CROW: [Airborn] He's an old friend of mine, and I have no idea what's wrong with him, but I'm scared anyway.

Monty:Our asses are in serious crap now.

CROW: Well, use toliet seats from now on.

Gadget:Golly what can we do...

TOM: [Gadget] At least I can keep in character, Monty.

Airborn:There is only one person desperate enough not to mention crazy enough to take Jim.....

ALL: Mitchell!

Chip:Yeah & did you get anything else from Wellington, Dave?

Airborn:Only that he is gonna have a southern female karoke duck singer...

ALL: [singing] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

that 's it! I know what drove Hitrat over the edge like this!

CROW: [Airborn] That damn "The Turdy Point Buck" song!

That female blond duck from the &Duxorist; Daffy Duck abandoned her but Jim stayed around to keep her company..

JOEL: Despite the restraining order.

Gadget:But that was in the mid 80 's Airborn.

Airborn:That 's why the separation was too harsh on him Gadget....

TOM: Breaking up was a lot harder during the Reagan administration, you know.

god knows what happens...

JOEL: Oh, Airborn's found religion.

Oh dammit.

CROW: Janet.

Dale has Jim...

Gadget:Golly....how do you figure that Airborn?

Airborn:Gadget who else what attempt that kinda stunt.....

JOEL: Any of the 5,624 villains you guys have put behind bars?

Monty:Crickey...

TOM: [Monty] Please excuse my earlier string of obscenities. I have a new voice actor now and everything's going to be okay.

Airborn:We have to stop that wedding proto..& we got 3 hours to get their too,

[Everyone chuckles merrily.]

TOM: Ah, homynyms.

let 's get ready guys!

Chip:But what about Hitrat?

CROW: You mean Jimmy(Hitrat) or Hitrat[Jimmy]?

Airborn:Well will have to find him & Dale later right now we gotta get to the church on time.

TOM: [Chip] And it's certainly not like there could be a connection. When I was running things we'd never miss something that obvious.

Scene fades out...

The Wellington estate where the backyard is transformed

ALL: [singing] Transformers! More than meets the eye!

into a luxiours wedding where police are disguised as caterers

Wellington is talking to them

Thad:They are tresspassing..after the wedding is over. Arrest them.

TOM: [Thad] Even though I invited them.

*All nod*

JOEL: I have to admit, I really like how the authors are staying true to Zipper's character.

TOM: Maybe Foxglove's depression sent her on an eating binge that claimed his life.

Meanwhile Gadget has found Foxy in the back

Gadget:Hey there you are!

Foxy:Oh Gadget I don 't know if I want to go through with this or not. My dignity will be destroyed, I really can't lose my sanity much worse.

JOEL: Pretty much par for any wedding, really.

Gadget:Foxglove after the things I 've seen in the last few days sanity is the least bit of thing to worry about, well okay I 'm wrong.

JOEL: [Gadget] I just never know what to say at weddings.

TOM: What about "Congratulations?"

CROW: Or at least, "My condolences."

Look don 't worry about it, Wellington will annul the wedding after you two are married.

TOM: [Gadget] And I trust him, because... uh....

Foxglove:That 's great news. Maybe I won 't even have to kiss him

Just outside that room Dale looks on with binoculars

CROW: Dale is a practiced voyeur, as we all know.

Dale:We will see about that, won 't we Jim?

TOM: So... he wants Foxglove to kiss Thad?

No no! Not now you do that when the wedding singer begins the karoke.

JOEL: Thanks to years of Japanese monster movies, Dale has honed his oral skills to a snowball's edge.

Lets move.

CROW: [Dale] To the big, big city.

Gadget & Foxglove move towards the outer hall as Dale & Hitrat move out of sight.

TOM: [Dale] Keep running! We'll escape this fanfic yet....

The wedding proceeds as Owen starts playing the church organ....

TOM: [Owen] Everyone, sing! Take me out to the ball game....

Wellington & Airborn stand at the alter.

JOEL: [Preacher] Would you two mind moving your checkers game elsewhere?

Two children mice walk down as one drops flower petals & the other one carries the rings on a pillow.

CROW: Where does a bat wear a ring?

numerous females walk down the isle as brides ' maids carrying bouquets of expensive flowers.

CROW: Strangely, a lot of lilacs are present. Hmm.

Airborn has his watch set for Squal Richard 's slam team

CROW: Who is Squal Richard, and what, pray tell, is this mysterious slam team?

TOM: Maybe it's an AM radio watch and he's listening to some old-time radio show?

on stand by...Then Gadget comes out followed by Monterey Jack escorting Foxy down the isle. Foxy is a bit nervous.

JOEL: She's finally starting to think this may be going a bit overboard to win a pageant.

They stop at the alter

CROW: Ha! Get it? Foxglove wouldn't let them transform Chip, so they stopped at the alter... uh... excuse me, I have to go kill myself.

& the Priest begins....

TOM: [Priest] I command you, beings of filth and preversion, to leave this place and never return!

Priest:We will begin by our karoke singer Miss Trixie Tailfeather singing

TOM: "How Can You Believe Me When I Said I Loved You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?"

CROW: And yes, that is an actual song title, ladies and gentlemen.

praises & glory to the happy couple.

JOEL: [Trixie] Here's one for all the abandoners in the house.

The crowd applauds as the female southern blond duck

[Everyone ducks.]

who is wearing a red low cut dress approaches the stages & begins singing.

ALL: [Trixie]
Does... your... chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
If your mother says don't chew it do you swallow it in spite?
Can you catch it on your tonsils?
Can you heave it left and right?

Trixie:We are all here today to celebrate this grand wedding so...*slow beat kinda strange rhythm*

JOEL: Mark Snow is employed.

(Trixie starts to sing Karoke style) congrats to the happy couple...hope ya 'lls kinfolk are happy too.....

TOM: [kinfolk] Shore 'nough!

Unnoticed to everyone Hitrat walks down the stairs only seen by Trixie. Hitrat starts to sexily rubbing his body down & taking off his clothes in front of her.

CROW: Ugh, remind me to never hire Hugh Hefner as a wedding planner.

Trixie loses her composer

JOEL: Mark Snow, remember.

& mind and continues singing.

Trixie:Uhhh...uhh...Taking off his shirt...letting his pants down...not wearing any underwear..*she is sweating heavily now*

TOM: A prime indicator that she's about to vomit.

JOEL: She can get in line.

Hitrat is completely nude(this scene is not entirely shown due to the censorboard,

ALL: Thank you, Network Standards and Practices.

just only his upper body) & Gadget sees Hitrat too

TOM: So, he's "only seen by Trixie" strictly in the metaphorical sense, then.

& sighs thinking ((maybe I shouldn 't of rejected him...))

JOEL: Yep, that's Gadget all right.

TOM: Shouldn't it be the pageant contestants who are obsessed about bodies?

CROW: Or serial-killers.

Trixie stops & her & Gadget make a b-line for Hitrat taking him upstairs

JOEL: The best rafters for lynchings are in the attic, after all.

as the crowd wonders what is going on.

TOM: The same thing happened with the audience for "Alien 3."

Priest:Uh perhaps we should forget the sing part & move on with the wedding..ahem..*clears his throat*

CROW: Shouldn't Dale, Monty, and Chip be trying to get past the guards at the gate using a wheelbarrow, a cloak, and a lantern?

Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to join this lizard & this bat into holy matrimony.

TOM: And unholy physical form.

Who givith this beautiful bride?

JOEL: He's making it up as he goes along.

Monty:I givith.

JOEL: Up.

Priest:Very well we shall continue. Be there anyone here who wises these 2 not to be wed speak now or forever hold their peace.

Dale:Stop!

ALL: [singing] In the name of love!

Foxy I just found out this thing is a phony. Miss Batty of the year is not real.

TOM: He found this out lying down in a field with binoculars, you know.

Foxglove:Are you sure about this?

Dale:Yeah he even got police to arrest us Rescue Rangers.

JOEL: That's great proof, there, Dale.

Thad:Allright fine you got me but they will get you!

TOM: [Thad] Communists are everywhere!

Officers! Arrest these trespassers!

Squal:Nothing doing boyo.

Thad:What?

Squal:As you can plainly see my Slam Team told those "doughnut eaters" to leave.

TOM: And since the police have absolutely no powers to enforce the law, they followed the orders of a civilian.

You however are under arrest Wellington for having a phony contest trying to falsely be protected by the law.

CROW: The last great paradox of Zeno.

That 's a very bad felony.

Thad:Allright I will go quietly but this is not the end of me you hear!

Wendell:What about me?

Airborn:Well Banks seeing as how you cooperated

CROW: [Wendell] I did?

the judge show should leniency in your case but I 'd watch it. Com.

TOM: Watch it.com for all your .com needs!

Paul Tailiguebu might not like this.

CROW: You know the drill folks -- play along at home!

Wendell:Yeah yeah I know.

CROW: At least someone does.

Slam team takes the two away...scene fades out.

JOEL: Did anyone actually do anything illegal at any time during this fanfic?

TOM: Does writing it count?

Next scene Foxy is on the church crying at midnight while Dale tries to comfort her

CROW: [Dale] So your husband left you at the alter, huh? Well... good! Hah-ha! Serves you right for dumpin' me! Jolly good! Jolly good! Nyah nyah nyah -- hope it hurts 'till the day you die!

Dale:Foxy don 't cry honey you will always be Miss Batty of the year to me.

JOEL: [Dale] You're crazier than a--

Foxglove:But Dale I always wanted something good in my life to prove I 'm a somebody.

TOM: [Foxglove] Marrying someone I hate seemed like a good way to go about it.

You guys though did nothing wrong-It 's me I always fail you.

JOEL: Well, she did show the only intelligence in this fanfic when she stopped them from turning Chip into a duplicate of her.

TOM: You're forgetting how Sean kept insulting Airborn.

CROW: And, of course, Zipper's key role in uncovering the whole scam.

I 'll never ever be successful...

JOEL: ...at anything in particular here, or are we just shooting for vague?

just a dried up old bat...Dale you don 't deserve me...I 'm no good for you. You better find somebody else.

CROW: [Dale] Okay. Bye!

Dale:Foxy. I will not. The day I met you my heart always was yours you know you brought such great happiness to me, I will never forget that or you. You are special to me Foxglove you bright up my day when I 'm feeling down.

TOM: That's almost a pop song.

Foxglove:But look at us both...we are both clumsy..& we never get anything right.

JOEL: [Dale] So you're saying we shouldn't reproduce?

Dale:That 's not important Foxy, sure life isn 't always peachy keen but I like to think I love my life & I love you.

CROW: [Dale] I don't, of course, but--

Yes, we are clumsy but who isn 't

TOM: Well, most people, actually.

our hearts are the most important thing

CROW: Joel, if you could only have one working organ, which would you choose?

JOEL: Let me get back to you on that one.

Foxy our love for each other is important we enjoy a good laugh, cry & all the things we do that we do in live. I 'm clumsy,silly & danged proud of it.

TOM: I think some people just shouldn't have self-esteem. What do you think?

Foxy:I guess I can be happy knowing I have a sweet cute good looking chipmunk with me all the time maybe someday we can get married?

TOM: [Foxglove] You know any?

Dale:Yeah but for now Rescue Rangers are always needed to solve those crimes!

JOEL: Dale has the heart of a true romantic.

TOM: [Foxglove] Will you marry me?

CROW: [Dale] Yeah, later.

TOM: [Foxglove] That lizard's starting to look pretty good to me right now.

Are you with me?

Foxy:Zowie! You bettter believe I am!

TOM: Conversely, some people should have higher self-esteem. Dump this loser, Foxglove!

*grabs him & gives him a big wet one on the lips*

TOM: Joel, what exactly is the attraction to exchanging saliva with another human?

JOEL: Uhhh... well....

Epilogue-------

It is the next day in Gadget 's workshop & Hitrat is coming around...

TOM: Hope it's not like "Frankenhooker."

Hitrat:*groggily*What...what.....what happened to me?

Gadget:Up already sleepy head? *kisses him*

TOM: Didn't Gadget say she dumped him while he was dancing naked at a wedding?

Hitrat:Yeah what 's going on I just went through this crazy dream.

JOEL: [Hitrat] My head flew off and a bunch of kids used it as an eraser.

Gadget:*smirking big time* I 'll say...

CROW: How would she know what dream he had?

Hitrat:What?

Gadget:Uh nothing want me to make you some breakfast?

TOM: Another great example of why Gadget is the idol of females across the globe.

Hitrat:Yes please.

Gadget:Ok I 'll be back in a flash!

JOEL: This is after Gadget watched that film about Home Economics, you see.

Gadget kisses him again on the lips this time and walks to the kitchen as Squal & Airborn enter.

JOEL: That should read Squal [unidentifiable species] and Airborn [some bird].

Airborn:You okay Jim?

Hitrat:Sort of David...

TOM: Sort of Solomon....

wow that was something else.

Squal:You mean you don 't remember?

Hitrat:Remember what?

JOEL: [Hitrat] I didn't even get dialogue until the story was over.

Airborn:Uh nevermind Squal, I think it 's best not to let Jim here know the um ahem "naked truth".

CROW: It'll mentally scar anyone, I agree.

Hitrat:Great bradshaw you guys are full of it...

Airborn&Squal:*looks at each other* HE KNOWS!

CROW: He likes it! Hey Mikey!

Scene fades out again.

THE END

Cast

Airborn Sanders-Lorenzo Music

JOEL: He rehearsed for the role by lobbing belt sanders through the window.

Dale Oakmount-Corey Burton

Foxglove-Debra Walley

CROW: Forutnately, Deborah Walley won't have her actual name associated with this.

Gadget Hackwrench/Chip Maplewood-Tress Macneille

Monterey Jack/Dennis the Butler-Jim Cummings

Squal Richards-Mike Liberto

TOM: Say, he has the same last name as one of the writers.

CROW: Another amazing coincidence.

Thaddeus P. Wellington-Rob Paulsen

JOEL: Great -- the role of Thad was played by Pinky.

Wendell Banks-Mark Bravaro

Sean Remington-Sean Connery

George Roozenby-George Lazenby

Roger Foxx-Roger Moore

JOEL: Man, and I thought "Bullseye!" was the low point in Moore's career....

CROW: I'm just impressed with creativity put into their first names.

Owen Calhoun-Chris Benoit

Trixie Tailfeather-B.J. Ward

and of course...

TOM: Jerry Mathers, as the Beaver.

[They start to leave, although Crow lags behind.]

Hitrat(Jim Groundchuck)-N.Liberto

CROW: Who's Hitrat(Jim Groundchuck)?

[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G]

[SOL]

[Joel and the Bots enter from the left, apparently in the middle of some discussion.]

TOM: ...doesn't make a difference, Joel. When the cast list hits critical mass like that, you've got to restructure your organization.

CROW: Wait a minute, Tom. Isn't "restructure" Latin for "layoffs?"

TOM: Exactly. I mean, okay, let's look at the final analysis of the fanfic in terms of the contributions made by the original cast; Chip did nothing. Gadget did nothing. Zipper... well, that's a given, but for the rest, they have no use or purpose being on the Ranger's payroll.

JOEL: Well, they did found the whole team in the first place, Tom.

TOM: [scoffs] Like that means anything in today's volatile economic management styles. I mean, let's get down to brass tacks, guys -- what right, beyond the trivial fact that they're the stars of the series, do the original cast have to be part of this new, hipper, trendier, faddish crew? Chip is reduced to the role of being volunteered for untested genetic mutations, Gadget is the personal nurse and jailer of some apparent nutcase, Monterey makes comments low in profundity while high in profanity, and Dale merely unleashes an original character at the end. All the real work was handled by Airborn and his cronies.

JOEL: So your brilliant strategy is to cast off the founders of the company, revoke their pensions, renege on their severance pay, and basically confiscate all of their personal gear as now being company property?

TOM: I prefer the term "infrastructure overhaul."

CROW: Say Tom, I don't suppose you ever heard of the phrase, "Too many chiefs, not enough braves?"

TOM: What does Kansas City and Atlanta have to do with it?

[The red light starts to flash]

JOEL: Oh, speaking of the corporate world of wonder and finance, looks like John's calling.

[He swats the flasher.]

[GIZMONICS]

[Frank and Dr. Forrester are in the foreground. John is nowhere to be seen.]

FORRESTOR: Oh, hello, Joel. I hope I interrupted something important and dear to you.

[SOL]

JOEL: Hey, I thought you guys were at a sweatshop--

CROW: Workshop.

JOEL: --Whatever -- down in Florida.

[GIZMONICS]

FORRESTOR: Yes, well, we were, but we left early once we took complete and

unrestrained, primal, carnal advantage of the continental

breakfast.

FRANK: [holds up a large bag -- well, tablecloth folded over, really -- stuffed with powered doughnuts.] We also have bagels, assorted jams, and bacon stashed in the trailer.

FORRESTOR: So, once we drained the pitchers of every last vestige of O.J. and cleared the platters to all but paltry pastry crumbs, we headed out. Not much sense sticking around when the free stuff is gone.

[Frank wordlessly looks offscreen and tosses the sack in that direction.]

FRANK: Hey John, think fast--

[He barely finishes before a muffled whump of impact is heard, followed by a spectacular crashing as the camera shakes slightly.]

FRANK: [nodding] Got 'im.

FORRESTOR: [sighing] Frank, would you stop teasing the GUI monkey and just push the button?

FRANK: [proudly] Can do, Steverio.

[He reaches over and pushes the button]

---FWOOSH!---

FRANK: [V.O.] Hey, isn't that "The Red Balloon?"

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] copyright 199X-2000 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip, Dale, Monterey Jack, Gadget, and Zipper are owned by Disney. "Dale Goes Nuts!" is copyrighted [c] Jennifer Francine Davis & Tamera Liberto, and all original characters from it are [c] copyrighted by their respective creators. John Nowak is [c] copyrighted by himself, as if you couldn't guess. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is not, in any way, shape, or form, a personal attack on either Jennifer Francine Davis or Tamera Liberto, who were kind enough to offer this one up to be MiSTed. This MiSTing is [c] copyright 2001 by John Nowak and Matt Plotecher

Owen: One thing about us mammals you got to admit we are very more better knowledgeable to the situation then you birds.